A/N: Emily: Spent the day at London Zoo studying conservation, so becoming a zoo keeper now! Oooh want to feed the penguins!
George: Can you be fed to the lions?
Emily: Shut up!
Disclaimer: I know nothing!
Chapter Twelve – Sobering up
"Couldn't we have taken the bus?" Slurred George as Kalin tried to stop him falling off the horse for the ninth time.
"Remind me again why he has to be on my horse and not yours." Grumbled Kalin.
Legolas grinned as George tried to plant a kiss on Kalin nose. "Perks of being King I suppose."
"Toilet stop!" George yelled.
"Again? You went about ten minute ago!"
"Toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet!"
"This is useless; we are never going to get back to Mirkwood at this rate."
"Maybe we should get him detoxed?" Suggested Kalin.
"We could make a stop at Lorien."
"I was hoping you wouldn't say that, I still owe Haldir for that bet."
"The sooner George sobers up, the sooner we can go home where you can see how your wife is." Reasoned Legolas.
"Oh alright but I'm expecting reimbursements for this trip!"
"George! We're going to Lorien, get out of that bush!"
……
"Valar I'm bored!" Sighed Ellette.
"Look it won't be long now, your Ada has till dusk to give himself up, if he doesn't you will never be bored again." 'Reassured' Gelfhorn.
"Well aren't you the cheerful one today."
"I have no reason to be cheerful; do you think I enjoy killing elflings?"
"I'm not an elfling!" Roared Ellette suddenly.
"Where did that come from!"
"Sorry, I don't know what came over me. Wow that was kinda freaky wasn't it?"
"Please don't do it again, I'm feeling rather vulnerable today."
"Sorry." Ellette apologised again. "So…um have you decided how you are going to kill me if my Ada doesn't turn up which, for the record, he will and when he does he'll kill you?"
Gelfhorn gulped slightly, "I haven't really thought about it, any preferences?"
"Well I would like it quick, oh and I would like my dead body to be recognisable so no going psycho on the face! So I suppose the old fashion knife to the throat will do, but do be careful not to get blood on the dress."
"Is it silk because blood can be awfully stubborn to get out of silk?"
"Yes it is."
"Then I shall be extra careful."
"Brilliant."
"Do I get to choose what music I die to?"
"I am hardly going to invite an Elvish band to play am I!" Snapped Gelfhorn.
"Calm down…look in my bag, you will find a strange round thing in it."
"What this!" Gelfhorn held up a strange object.
"No that's a Frisbee! It has buttons on it."
"This?" Gelfhorn held up a walkman.
"That's it, it was my mum's. Now what shall I have playing…um…something ironic I feel."
"Aren't you a little creeped out?"
"Nope, why waste the final hours of my life screaming, crying and losing any shred of dignity I have left."
"But…"
"No! I am a princess and I will go out in style!"
……
"Back so soon? And there was me thinking you had left without paying!" Greeted Haldir.
"Um…you couldn't put it on my tab could you?" Asked Kalin hopefully.
Haldir just laughed at him.
"You seem a lot happier since the last time we saw you." Observed Legolas.
"Yes well, Boromir and I…"
"Boz!" Interrupted George excitedly.
"He is in out talen, he would be delighted to see you." Informed Haldir quickly before the drunken George had time to run off in any direction he wanted to.
"Schoooom!" And George was off
"Anyway, Boromir and I had a bit of a breakthrough with Faramir, seems like he doesn't mind being an Uncle after all."
"What changed his mind?"
"He is in love again."
"Oh."
"So we are looking up on adopting a child, its all rather exciting. Speaking of babies, I believe congratulations are in order Kalin."
"How did you know!"
"It seems Amaria got sick of waiting for you, she arrived in Lorien just after you left here."
"Bollocks!"
"Kalin!" Reprimanded Haldir.
"She's going to kill me."
"Why?"
"Well, when I said that she didn't mind me going, what I really meant to say was, she didn't mind because she didn't actually know."
"Kalin!" Yelled Legolas.
"Kalin!" A female voice screeched.
"Please don't let her castrate me!" Pleaded Kalin.
"You're on your own mate."
"Well farewell dear friends, it was nice knowing you." Kalin slunk off to face his 'doom'.
……
"George?" Boromir looked up from his desk and looked at the door. A familiar whistling could be heard from the other side of it.
"Are you going to let me in?" A voice called out.
"George!" Boromir leapt up, ran to the door, flung it open and grabbed George pulling him into a tight hug. "Where the hell have to been?"
"In the cave with the whoosh and the schoom and the dark with the lack of light and the monkey, my monkey!"
"Are you drunk?"
"Drunk is an illusion."
"Hmmm…" Boromir fetched a glass of an odd brown liquid. "Here drink this."
"Is it alcoholic?"
"Yes." Lied Boromir
"Oooh goody." After one sip George began to shake violently. "Ah! Death befalls me!"
"You are not dying, you are detoxing."
"Blood being stripped of toxins! No! My toxins! You can't have them..."
"You'll be sober in a matter of minutes." Explained Boromir trying not to laugh as he watched George try and fail to open the drinks cabinet.
"Sober! I haven't been sober in eighteen years! Ah! George let out a squeak.
"What now?"
"My liver feels clean!"
"That's a good thing."
"No not good thing, bad thing, make me dirty!"
"Perhaps you should sit down."
"Why are you going to steal my legs now?"
"Now you are being ridiculous…" Boromir pointed out.
"Ahhhhhh!"
"Calm down!"
"My brain, it can think! No thinking, thinking hurts me…I need a drink." Stupidly George took another sip of the brown liquid. "Noooooooooooooooo!"
……
"Did you hear that?" Legolas asked Haldir.
"Sounds like George has sobered up."
"This could be very bad; as much as I have missed him I am just starting to remember how annoying he could be!" Legolas sighed as he watched the sun set over Middle-earth.
……
"Legolas' time is up!" Cried Gelfhorn.
"No! Maybe he is stuck in traffic; he wouldn't just leave me here!"
"I'm afraid it is time for your big exit." Gelfhorn hauled Ellette out of the chair snapping her bonds.
"Ouch! You could be a little gentler!"
"All I wanted was to be loved." Gelfhorn was in hysterics now.
"Yeesh, it's always about you! Argh! You really are a pricktilious prick." Gelfhorn was not listening as Ellette continued to rant on. "You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, and a mean, dirty, stinking, snivelling, sneaky, no-good son-of-a-bitch!"
"If I was you I would shut up." Gelfhorn held Ellette close to the edge of the balcony with a knife pressed to her throat. "Look down and face your end."
"Well really! You didn't even set up my music!"
Gelfhorn slowly began to draw blood from Ellette's neck, "I think I am doing Middle-earth a service, if you had remained alive I would have had to feel sorry for the stupid elf that ever fell in love with you!"
"That would be me!" A cloaked figure jumped out of the shadows.
……
A/N: Emily: Oooh…that was exciting.
George: Sober my arse! Never!
Emily: Here are the thank yous:
Lil Smartass – You have really mastered annoyance haven't you!
Princess Shadowcat – Yes yes I am proud of my triplets! George is out of Moria now…but is still as annoying as ever.
Angel's Heart Demon's Mind – Don't give him anymore alcohol! He is on a strict detox!
Poolbum – I am off sugar! These weird sugary snake sweet things tried to kill me!
Limpet666 – Keep the Sean Connery thing up its funny! Um…Kai will shave! Hmmm…I'll go with that!