A/N: Emily: Wootka! Kingdom of Heaven five times in a week! Go me. "How can you be in hell when you are in my heart?" That line makes me cry every time!

George: I am beginning to believe that you are actually weirder than I was first led to believe.

Emily: Probably not a good idea to tell you that I'm seeing it again on Wednesday and Friday then!

Disclaimer: All right Tolkien! Just a few more chapters and you can have Legolas back!

Chapter Fourteen – Explosivo!

"What the…" Legolas burst into the room. "Why the hell are you kissing my son Kai!" He yelled.

Kai pulled away. "No I'm…Oh crap…hello Pierre…um…how are you?"

"Fine…just fine Kai."

"So…"

"You're dead!" Yelled Legolas.

Kai seeing Legolas lunge at him quickly jumped out the way knocking over a random candle and made for the window swiftly followed by Legolas.

"What's going on!" Xavier ran into the room.

"Um…I think I might be gay." Answered Pierre touching his lips slightly.

"Oh right."

……

"Kai! Get back here now!" Legolas followed the darkling elf into the courtyard.

"Only if you promise not to kill me." Kai called back.

"If I promised I would be lying!"

"I'll just keep running then!"

"Yeah you do that!"

Kai ran into the stables and went smack bang into a confused looking George.

"Hey Kai, fancy seeing you here." Greeted George inanely.

"Can't stop." Kai headed towards the other doors and pulled on them frantically.

"Why are these locked?" Yelped Kai.

"Ah yes about that…"

"Kai!" Legolas stormed into the stables.

……

"So how did you work that one out?" Asked Xavier.

"Kai just kissed me."

"Kai isn't here. Are you feeling all right maybe you should lie down."

"He kissed me." Babbled Pierre dreamily.

"Maybe you were hallucinating?"

"Of all the things to hallucinate why would I choose Kai kissing me!"

"Suppressed desires?"

"See I'm gay!"

"Maybe you had a seizure?"

"What!"

"Or a coma, yeah you went into a coma and thought Kai kissed you and then you woke up…"

"Um Xavier…"

"…and I appeared, and then…"

"Xavier!"

"What?"

"The talen is on fire!"

……

"Hi Legolas, now really isn't a good time for me to be disembowelled but I could probably fit you in some time next week."

"I told you to stay away from Mirkwood Kai!"

"Yeah and I did…but then I kinda came back."

Legolas slowly made his way towards Kai.

"Stupid thingy not working." Mumbled George in the background.

"Why couldn't you just stay away!"

"Um Legolas now would be a good time to DUCK!" Yelped Kai as he dropped to the floor.

Legolas ducked instinctively and narrowly dodged a flying light sabre that cut its way through the stable door.

"Hey it works!" Cheered George stepping over Kai and running after the light sabre. Kai taking the chance to run swiftly followed after him.

"Are you following me?" Asked George warily.

"No I'm running for my life!"

"I know hide here!" George 'helpfully' pushed Kai into a nearby lake. "Swim for your life!"

Not really having much choice in the matter Kai began to swim across to the other side of the lake.

"What is he doing!" Legolas asked when he caught George up.

"Dunno, he decided to go for a swim, I always knew he was a strange one. Now where did that light sabre go?"

Legolas, deciding that getting wet and looking like a drowned rat really was not the look he was going for this summer, decided to make his way around the lake.

Kai finally reaching the other side dragged himself out and made a dash for the forest. He kept running hoping that Legolas had given up on chasing him. He reached a clearing and sat clumsily on a log.

"Kai?"

Kai looked up to see a confused Ellette staring at him.

"Oh…hey…I don't suppose you would have a towel on you?"

"Um…no…are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah fine, you?"

"Oh great…I mean it's not like the love of my life rescues me, buggers off then turns up all wet in a see through shirt looking all damn sexy!"

"Stupid light sabre!" Yelled George running past.

"Ellette…"

"Answer me this…what did you mean when you said, you were no good for me?"

"You deserve better, I'm a nobody…"

"You are the commander of the Mirkwood army, you are not nobody!"

"But I'm worthless! Just like Legolas said…I'm worthless…I've always tried to be somebody…I guess I should have been more specific." Kai added with a small smile.

"Worthless! Ada called you worthless! That's why you left isn't it!" Before Kai had the chance to answer Ellette continued to rant. "I don't believe him, why would he say something so hurtful!"

Kai got up and walked towards Ellette. "He had his reasons."

"And your reasons?"

"For what?"

"For not telling me how you feel!"

"Ellette I can't…"

"Maybe Ada was right maybe you are worthless." Ellette turned and began to walk away.

Knowing that this was his final chance Kai did what he was renowned for being very good at; he grabbed Ellette and kissed her.

"Kai! Stop kissing my children!" Yelled Legolas.

"Huh?" Spluttered Ellette still in shock and trying not to swoon for the fact that Kai had just kissed her!

"First Pierre and now Ellette! Maybe I should lock Xavier up for his own safety!"

"You kissed Pierre!" Screeched Ellette.

"Now that was an accident!"

"How do accidentally kiss Pierre!"

"I thought he was you."

"You what!"

"It's not as bad as it sounds!"

"Nevermind that, I want to know what the hell you are doing in Mirkwood when I specifically told you to stay away!" Roared Legolas.

"Wow he's in a bad mood." Commented George as he ran past again.

"Look I don't want any trouble I just...I'll just leave now and…" Ellette sent Kai a glare. "Actually I want to stay in Mirkwood because…well…because…I am in love with your daughter."

"Shit!" Yelped George.

"You are in love with me!" Gasped Ellette not expecting Kai actually to say it.

Kai nodded.

"I have lost count of the number of times you have claimed to be in love Kai." Warned Legolas. "You are to stay away from my daughter!"

"Look I know what you are thinking but…"

"No Kai you have no idea what I am thinking, would you like to find out!" Threatened Legolas.

"Ada!"

"Look I may not go down in history but I will go down on your daughter!" Yelled Kai. Legolas looked at Kai in horror, George burst out laughing and Ellette turned a strange pink colour. "Did I just say that out loud?"

George nodded.

"Ah right well um…what I meant to say is that I may not be some great warrior, or poet or a perfect knight in shining armour but I love your daughter!"

"But you are a knight in shining armour! You saved my life." Cried Ellette." Ada, it was Kai that came and rescued me from Gelfhorn, if it was not for him I would be dead!"

"You saved her?" Asked Legolas turning to Kai.

"I more of happened to stumble into the right place and trip Gelfhorn up but yeah I suppose I did save her."

Before Kai could leap back Legolas grabbed Kai and pulled him into a fierce hug.

"Um Legolas…I really am not trying to work my way through your family." Mumbled Kai.

"Yes this is a little intimate isn't it?" Commented Legolas before letting go of Kai.

"So…you are not going to kill me?"

"No."

"And you will let me court Ellette?"

"Kai…your track record…I'm supposed to look after my children not hand them over to Mirkwood's most prolific lover."

"Emily wouldn't mind." George stepped back into the clearing.

"Excuse me?" Legolas turned to him with a shadow of sadness in his eyes.

"Emily would let Ellette and Kai be together, I know she would, I can feel it." George turned the light sabre off and sat down on the log. "She always thought Kai would have made a brilliant husband, she once said he was the second only to one. That one being you by the way Legolas. If anyone was to be perfect for Kai it would be Ellette, she really is Emily's daughter."

"Don't you just hate it when George manages to be intellectual?" Asked Kai randomly.

"Ada?" Ellette looked at Legolas who was staring off into the distance.

"I can see Xavier and Pierre, they are running towards us."

"Ada!" Cried the brothers.

"What is it?"

"Um…well…"

"What!"

Legolas' question was answered by a huge explosion from the heart of Mirkwood.

……

"Well you would get us lost!" Sighed Amaria.

"I can assure you we are not lost, just maybe locationally challenged." Commented Kalin. He looked around, he was certain that he should be able to see the great forest of Mirkwood by now. All he could see was…'what is that?' Kalin thought. 'It looks like…smoke…no wait it is smoke…' "Mirkwood is on fire!" Yelped Kalin spurring his horse on.

……

A/N: George: Wow, we blew Mirkwood up!

Emily: We also blew out cast up! Oh well we shall just have to see who survives! Here are thank yous:

Orangeblossom07 – Oooooh I love Kingdom of Heaven too! You could probably guess that already though! Glad you liked the cliffy, he he we thought it was the perfect way to end that chapter!

Limpet666 – I know! Kai is managing to behave himself! What is Middle-earth coming to! What they need is a reappearance from a certain teenage girl! Oh one quick question…would you like to be in my film!

Billie Joe's Mistress – Yay mass knightage! George's beard is still there! I need more support! And yes I am aware of how much you love Kai, I dread to think what you two get up to in your dreams.

Poolbum – George is worried that I'll attack him with a razor now! I say poor Kai, he never gets anything right!

Princess Shadowcat – When you say weird do you mean, lovey dovey sickening sap weird or do you mean singing fish and blue Inuits weird! I'm hoping the latter! The world could do with more singing fish…or perhaps singing dolphins…hmmm…