Return

by SeSeesaw

Sam returns. Sequel to Renew.

Return

By SeSeesaw

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DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This was written for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the author.

SEQUEL: to onwards and upwards, forward and back, homeward and renew.

RATING: PG-13, little bit of swearing and implied sex

AUTHORS NOTES: Want to thank any and all for the feedback. You'd probable understand the story better if you read the other parts. Huge thanks to Karrie-Beth and Katianna (the queen of comas) for such speedy beta work, couldn't have done it without you. Anyhow this is the last in this series. Hope you enjoyed.

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"Can I go now."

Janet gave an exasperated sigh,

"One more minute. You know, I remember a time when you had patience."

Sam gave a cheeky grin.

"You know me Jan, places to go people to see."

"Well you can hardly be in a hurry to get home now can you?"

"No, and I know what you're going to say but I've been too busy. I've got a lot to make… ah…. catch up on."

"Come on Sam it's been two weeks, you can at least give yourself the time to look for a flat."

Sam rolled down her sleeve and hopped off the bed.

"How long are you going to live in some grotty motel? At least stay on base Sam."

"It'll only be for a little while Janet and I'll rather live away from the military for a while."

Janet hummed, she wasn't happy; Sam was spending far too much time on everyone but herself. It wasn't that long ago that she had been in a coma. Janet knew for a fact that Sam had worked 30 hours solid and if it wasn't for the fact that Janet knew Sam wouldn't sleep on base she wouldn't be letting her drive. It was time to have it out with Sam, she had enough of her self-sacrificing guilt bullshit but before Janet got to open her mouth Daniel jogged into the room. Both women turned to look at him. He was bent over slightly trying to catch his breath and he was puffing and panting heavily.

"Taking up jogging Daniel?" Janet asked cheekily.

"Very… funny… Janet." He managed to pant out.

Sam was edging slowly towards the door but Janet pinned her to the spot with a glare. Trying to detract attention from herself Sam asked Daniel.

"When did you get back Daniel? I thought you were off on a archaeological trip."

More composed now Daniel could answer her without pausing for breath.

"Just got back about an hour ago."

Janet, her curiosity peeked couldn't help but ask,

"Why the hurry Daniel?" He turned to her his eyes flicked to Sam and then quickly away again.

"Just wondering if you've seen Jack?"

She saw Sam stiffen but she didn't speak so Janet did,

"Jack's on base? What for?"

"Ah I think that he was getting a little bored at home, Hammond offered him some part time job with the new recruits."

She chuckled,

"Can't believe that he lasted this long with nothing to do."

"No me neither, he left me a message saying he'd be around today."

"Well I haven't seen him. Didn't even hear the nurses gossiping about him being here and you know what they're like."

"Oh, well maybe he's not in yet."

Daniel turned to Sam who had remained silent the entire time.

"How about you Sam have you seen him?"

"Ah no, haven't seen a bit of him, can I go now Janet."

"I guess so Sam but I want to talk about you living situation tomorrow."

"I think I'm going to be busy…."

"Appp.. I don't want to hear it Sam. We ARE going to talk."

Sam nodded once and made a hasty exit from the infirmary. Both Daniel and Janet's eyes followed her retreating back.

"Is Jack really on base?"

"Well unless he was lying on the message but it really didn't sound like it. That wasn't actually the only message he left."

That was odd Janet had known Jack for a while now, he wasn't the talkative type of person. She could only imagine he was worse on the phone.

"You remember I told you, just before I left for the dig, that he rang to find out about her."

She nodded remembering her surprise on finding that he already knew Sam was on earth and that he was willing to show that he cared.

"He wanted to know where she was too, only I didn't know at the time except that she stayed on base a lot. I was meant to call him back with her address but I kinda lost track with research for my mission."

Daniel wore a guilty face, it was not unusual for him to get caught up in his work.

"I'm sure he'd understand Daniel. I can't say that this is the first time."

"I'm not so sure Janet there must be at least 9 messages from Jack on my phone. He really wanted to know where she was. He got kinda scary in the last few."

"Well if I see him I'll be sure to send him your way."

"Yeah, I'll look forward to that. How's Sam doing anyway?"

Janet was glad he had changed the subject, it was unfortunate that it wasn't to a happier topic.

"I don't really know, she goes out of her way to help others but if you try to do anything for her she pulls away."

Janet dropped onto the bed that Sam previously occupied and resisted the urge to lie down and sleep for at least a week.

"It's like she's trying to prove her friendship to us but won't let anyone get near her in case she gets hurt."

"Yeah, she's been acting the same around me, Teal'c and Jonas too."

"I can't even get her to start looking at places to move to. I think she's trying to punish herself for failing us."

Daniel dropped down next to her and placed a comforting hand over hers.

"We failed her didn't we Daniel. Looking back on it now, she was so lonely Daniel. And so hurt after Jack all but left and I never saw it. I never spoke to her properly about it, I let her brush it a side like she does with everything else. She must have been feeling so low to feel that Black Ops. was better then staying here." Janet's voice cracked and she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat.

Daniel gathered her in his arms and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"I know Janet I've had the same conversation with myself."

"You think Jack wants to talk to her or shout at her?"

"A bit of both if I know Jack."

"Do you think it'll get better if they talk, just to get it all out. Even if they never speak to each other again."

"I don't think it could make it any worse."

Janet pulled herself from his arms remembering that they were in a very public place.

"She won't go to see him. I tried talking her into it but she just keeps saying that he's happy and he doesn't need her in his life anymore."

"You think you could find two more stubborn people if you tried."

"I shudder at the though Daniel."

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Jack peered out the window and out onto a huge stone ring that most people on the planet didn't know existed. He felt comfortable being back, like pulling on his favourite leather jacket. He was waiting for General Hammond, they were interrupt from their meeting by a call on the red phone and Jack had stepped outside. He could come back here, to his second home. The General had offered him a job training some of the newer recruits in the finer details about Stargate travel. Since there wasn't a lot of new recruits it would be a part time job giving him plenty of time to be with his son. But his son wasn't always with him and the days that he was with his mother Jack had a large empty home and very little to do. There was only so much gardening that Jack could take and only so many times he could play himself in chess. So coming back would be good, coming back would be a good idea. But it was a double edged sword, if he came back he would see Sam and, although his heart raced at the thought of seeing her, his head very loudly pointed out that he was angry with that women. That she had left him and that he DID NOT want to see her. He heard the door of the General's office open and turned to face him.

"I'm sorry about that Jack."

"Ah when duty calls sir."

"Indeed Colonel."

"Retired" Jack automatically insert before the thought it might sound rude to his former CO crossed his mind.

"So any thoughts on the job son?"

"I appreciate the offer sir, I'm just not so certain if I…."

"Don't say anything yet, give it some thought and get back to me when you can."

"I think I'll take you up on that offer sir."

"Well I hope to see you in a couple of days. I trust you still remember the way out."

"Not quite senile yet sir."

The General smiled and gave a small nod as Jack exited the room. His body went into automatic as he strolled through the grey corridors of the underground facility. He was tempted to go to Carter's corridor, he was tempted to barge into her lab and demand to know why she left with Ben when she told him that she would always love him. He was tempted to do a lot more then that but a decade or two in the military instilled more discipline then that. He wondered if Daniel had returned from what ever sand covered planet had caught his attention this time. He winced at the number of messages he left on his voicemail but it had been over the course of 2 weeks and he was getting more than a little frustrated. He didn't bother going looking for him though, Daniel would ring him when he got back, probably to check he hadn't been taken over my an alien life form. As he made his way to exit he got the feeling he would be back here. The job he was being offered did sound perfect and if leaving Daniel 20 messages on his voicemail was a sign that he had too much time on his hands he didn't know what was.

&&&

The sudden down pour of rain meant that Jack was forced to drive annoyingly slow. His wipers were working over time and the drum of rain on the roof was treating to drown out the radio. The taillights of a parked car caught his attention, some poor soul it seemed had broken down. Jack slowed as he approached the car debating whether he had the energy to be a knight in shining armour. Beside for all he knew the owner of the car could simply be on the phone. By now Jack was along side the car and could make it out through the rain. He blinked in surprise. It was a VERY distinct car and as he watched a tall, slim figure slammed the door shut and kicked the wheel rather viciously. Without telling his body to do so he pulled his truck over and had one foot out the door before his brain kicked in. The figure of Dr. Samantha Carter was quickly disappearing into the murky night. Jack braced himself and then shouted,

"Carter?"

The figure froze and then turned slowly. Jack watched as she stared then raised her hand to her eyes to see more clearly, obviously surprised to see him here. He could empathise.

"You need a lift?"

"Sir, is that you?"

"Yeah, Carter. You need a lift or is the drowned rat look in this season."

The surprised look remained on her face but he could sense her getting weary by the way her body stiffened and how her hand began to play with the end of her sleeve.

"I'm…I'm just around the corner it's fine thanks sir."

"You can't walk in this, Carter, you'll catch your death."

She still remained undecided and Jack decided to be unfair.

"Get in the car Carter."

She obeyed like he knew she would.

Jack pulled back out onto the road and continued on his journey. The atmosphere in the car was tense and neither spoke, the only noise being the quite babble of the radio and the pitter-patter of the rain. They drove on for five minutes in silence until Sam broke into the silent argument he was having over if he should speak or not.

"It's just up here on the left sir."

Jack cruised through the junction and continued onwards.

"Sir that was my turn off."

"It wasn't mine" he countered.

"Well if I'd know this was an express journey I won't have gotten it."

Jack couldn't help it, he chuckled, while Sam glared at him.

"Bit late now Carter"

"You're really not going to drop me home."

"Nope."

"Then where are we going?"

"Home."

From the corner of his eye he saw Sam stare at him suspiciously but she said no more. The rest of the journey was made in silence. Not long later Jack pulled up outside his house and killed the engine. Still in silence they climbed out of the truck and made their way into Jack's home. Jack hung his jacket in the hall and then headed to his sitting room to start a fire to chase away the chill that his wet clothes caused. He turned but Sam hadn't followed him. He returned to the hall and found her standing by his front door arms wrapped around her, he hoped to try and warm herself and not in fear.

"Come on Carter you're wet through."

She didn't move, just stood there staring at him. Doing what he did best Jack took action, walking across to her to slip her water sodden jacket from her shoulders. Moving her into the sitting room to stand in front of the fire he left to find her some dry clothes. He changed into some dry sweats and a warm sweater grabbed his hockey jersey and a pair of shorts for Sam to wear and made his way back to where he left her. She was still exactly where he had positioned her. Giving her the change of clothes he gave her a small shove in the direction of the door.

"Go change Carter, I'll make some coffee."

He watched her leave, her movements mechanical and stiff. He headed to the kitchen and spent the next few moments making coffee. He knew exactly how Sam took her coffee but he didn't know for the life of him when that had happened. When he slowly walked back to the sitting room Sam was once again stood in front of the fire but now she was dressed in the jersey and shorts. She looked lost in his large jersey and only the end of the shorts peaked out from under it. A large expanse of long shapely leg was on show and the fact that the jersey was long made it very easy to imagine that it was all she had on. A pain in his hand distracted him, he had split coffee on his hand and he cursed silently and moved to put the mugs down. Sam smiled weakly at him and Jack made a hasty retreat to run his hand under the cold tap.

He couldn't believe he was so stupid but he hadn't really been prepared for the sight of Sam Carter that could have come right out of one of his fantasies. Slightly more composed now he cautiously made his way back into the room drying his hand on a towel. Sam had moved again, she was now curled up on his couch with a mug clasped in both her hands. She was staring absently into the fire and Jack watched the light dance across her face for a few moments.

He watched as a drop of water fell from her hair and slid down her jaw. She didn't seem to notice the rainwater forming wet patches on the shoulders of the jersey. Sam either didn't notice or didn't care. Jack padded across to her and knelt down. Her gaze flicked from the fire to his face and remained there. Leaning forward he raised the towel he had in is hand and slowly began to use it to rub her hair dry. It was such a simple act but it felt like one of the most intimate moments of his life. He pulled away and his hands came to rest on her knees. Her eyes held his, still pinning him in place. She whispered something but Jack couldn't hear so he leaned forward silently and she repeated herself.

"I'm sorry."

He was shocked; it was one of the last things he had expected to hear her say. Unaware of the effect her words had on him she continued on in a quite but steady voice.

"I was scared and I ran away. I'm sorry."

Still Jack couldn't muster a reply.

"I didn't want to hurt any more. I'm so sorry."

Jack stood and looked down on Sam and suddenly he felt completely drained.

"Time for bed Sam."

She looked up at that and he held out his hand. He watched as she raised her small hand and slipped it into his. He pulled her up and then still holding her hand lead her to his bedroom. Walking to the bed he pulled back the covers and pushed her until she sat down.

"Get in Carter."

Her brow creased and at last she spoke.

"But this is your bed."

"I know." His reply obviously frustrating her.

She did however pull her legs onto the bed and pulled the covers over her. Jack pulled the curtains shut, flicked on the bedside lamp and then walked to the door to turn off the main light. Sam settled further into the bed until only her head was still visible. Jack felt so tired, the past year of his life suddenly seeming to catch up on him and maybe because he was tired, or maybe it was because when it came to Sam he lost all sense of reason, but he didn't leave. Instead he flicked off the light and made his way back to the bed. He climbed into the opposite side of the bed hearing Sam nervously squeak.

"Sir!"

"I'm not going to do anything Sam I just want to go to sleep."

She didn't answer nor did she run screaming from the bed so he figured it was good sign. He turned off the bedside lamp and rolled onto his side. He could hear Sam's gentle breathing and could catch the delicate smell of her hair and just to prove that he really was losing his mind he slid over in the bed. Gently he slid his hands around her waist. Sam's body stiffened under his touch but he ignored it. He gently pulled her back until she was pressed against his chest.

"Shhh Sam, just go to sleep." He soothed.

He felt her relax against him and listened as her breathing deepened and she slipped into sleep. Jack inhaled deeply and buried his head in Sam's hair. God! If he could finish every day like this he would be a happy man. Dropping a chaste kiss on her neck he let himself sleep, for once content with how a day had ended.

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Sam woke slowly. She felt incredibly warm and safe and she took a moment to bask in the feeling. A strong arm was wrapped possessively around her waist and a warm breath tickled the hair at the back of her neck. She never imagined this would be how her day would end but she would gladly give her right arm if everyday could end like this. Jack muttered something incoherent in his sleep, pulling her closer and wedging a knee between her legs. Sam lay still for a few more minuets ingraining the moment in her memory.

Gentle light was seeping through the curtains and she could hear the faint tinkle of bird song. She figured it must be early. She wiggled a little but Jack's grip remained firm. This might be hard to do. She eventually managed to inch her way around until she was facing the sleeping Colonel. He was sleeping deeply and Sam took the opportunity to gently run her fingers across his cheek to his jaw in a soft caress. She still didn't know why he brought her here; she didn't even want to hazard a guess at the few choice words that he no doubt had reserved for her. She could do without hearing them too, the past year was hard enough without having to hear just what he thought of her now. She withdrew her hand from his face and racked her brain for an escape route. It didn't look as though Jack was going to release his grip any time soon and she had the feeling he'd wake if she tried to pry his fingers away, which left her stuck.

Then again he was sleeping very deeply and he was a man. She was loath to trick him like this but she'd hate to remain there until he woke. Slowly Sam raised her lips to Jack's and applied a gentle pressure, the pressure on her waist increased slightly but Sam continued with her plan. Bringing her hand to his shoulder she carefully rolled them both over until Jack lay on his back and Sam's upper body lay on his chest. Sam broke the gentle kiss and lay still to see if he would wake.

By her reasoning he should be awake. Colonel O'Neill never slept well, he was known to wake if the fire crackled too loudly but maybe that was the point. This wasn't Colonel O'Neill, this was Jack O'Neill and to her good fortune he slept like a log. Sam pushed herself up and out of Jack's grasp. She quickly removed herself from the bed and watched as he grunted, rolled over and threw his arm around the pillow she had occupied moments ago.

Thanking every higher power she could think of she crept from the room and to his sitting room to retrieve her clothes. Not wanting to try her luck she rooted her mobile phone from her jacket and threw her clothes over her arm. She would just wait outside for the taxi; there wouldn't be enough people up at this hour to be embarrassed by her attire. Just as she was reaching for the latch on the door a gruff voice spoke from behind her.

"We need to talk."

Damn how the hell had he woken up, she didn't turn around,

"We did talk."

He didn't reply and she couldn't hear any movement, her arm continued its journey to the latch. She slid it across and pulled the door open an inch before a large hand appeared over her shoulder and slammed the door forcefully.

"No, we didn't."

Sam gulped. He was standing very close to her and without looking at his face she could feel the anger radiate off him.

"I already apologised, I don't know what else to say."

He didn't reply nor did he remove his hand from the door. Sam was quite literately trapped. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity as every muscle in Sam's body stiffened in tension. The next minute she was being dragged down Jack's hall and through his sitting room pulled along by his vice like grip on her hand. So surprised was she by his quick movement she had dropped all her clothes and mobile at his front door. She watched his fluid movements as he turned a key in the back door and pulled it open. They came to an abrupt stop and Jack released her hand only to place both hands on her shoulders and turned her. Sam now stood in front of the ladder to his roof.

"Climb." He ordered.

"But I…"

"Climb" he repeated with a small shove causing Sam to step forward into the ladder.

He was deadly serious and so Sam began to climb the ladder, her mind a blur of confusion. She stepped onto the roof and her eyes fell on the familiar telescope.

She stepped towards it and felt oddly comforted by the consistency of it's presence when all her around changed. She heard the ladder rattle slightly as Jack's weight was removed from it and turned to face him. His face was a mask and he made no move away from where he stood. A cold breeze brought Sam's attention to the fact that the sun was not fully up and she was clad only in shorts and a jersey. She warped her arms around herself.

"What the hell are we doing up here, its too cold!"

"You're going to talk."

Sam recognised the feeling of panic that passed through her as she released her only escaped route was currently barred by an extremely angry Colonel. Her only other option was to leap from the roof, painful but an option still. Sam tried to think of anything to say that might pacify the Colonel but as she went to speak he once again interrupted.

"Aup… I'll ask the questions and you WILL answer."

She nodded her head seeing no other option. There was a pause before he began,

"Where's Ben?"

Sam averted her eyes from Jack's face at the mention of his name. She remembered her bitter feelings towards Ben when she heard he had left her and then the resignation that ultimately all the men in her life would leave.

"He didn't come back with me."

"He's still off world?"

Sam sighed, "Yes."

"Are you going back off world?"

His question drew her attention back to his face as she detected a touch of anxiousness in his voice.

"No. I'm back working in the labs at the SGC but I haven't been released for off world travel yet."

Annoyance flitted across his face, she knew she hadn't answered the questioned.

"I'm not going back to him."

She heard him release a breath but he only replied,

"Oh!"

Silence stretched between them and Sam in desperation asked,

"Are you going back? To the SGC, Daniel said you were offered a job."

He eyed her sceptically,

"Maybe."

Silence once again returned but this time Jack broke it.

"Why didn't you come to see me when you got back."

"I didn't think….."

"Do you have any idea how worried I was, Sam you told me you didn't want to be saved. I thought you

were gonna hurt yourself."

"I never meant to imply…"

"Yeah well you did. You think you can just walk into my life tell me that you want to die and then wander back out."

"No, I…"

"Because after the past year I've…"

"Will you shut up and let me answer your damn question."

She didn't mean to sound so harsh but she really didn't appreciate being interrupted.

Jack snapped his jaw shut and glared at her.

"I never meant to imply that I'd hurt myself. I'd never do that, I just. I was feeling low and then you just appeared. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I made you worry and I'm sorry that I left and I'm sorry I couldn't be the strong Major that you wanted but I won't go back. I wouldn't go back to feeling like that."

Sam closed her eyes and repeated to herself, I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

"Did you love him? Is that why you were depressed? Because you couldn't be with him."

Sam opened her eyes, she turned away from him and stared out at the brightening sky.

"I tried, I tried so hard to love him. I really needed to love him but I couldn't, not enough. I wasn't enough. It hurt that he sent me back, that he could let me go but I understand now, why he did it. He deserved more."

"So you didn't love him?" Jack pursued his question.

"He was my best friend, I did love him but not in the way you're asking."

"Why did you leave? The first time, why did you leave?"

Sam turned back to face him and his eyes searched eagerly for an answer.

"You wouldn't understand."

"I need to know why you left. I need to understand what we did wrong."

"It wasn't you Jack, any of you, it was just everything."

He took a step forward, his questions getting more desperate.

"Why didn't you talk to us, to me, how could you just leave?"

"I couldn't talk to you any of you."

"We're your friends Sam. I thought I was…"

"What?" She spat, her anger making an appearance.

"Closer then that? When was the last time we actually had a proper conversation before I left." She demanded.

"How the hell am I supposed to remember that, but we were friends Sam."

But she was on a roll on and ignored him.

"Months that's how long, you were too busy to even talk to me."

"I won't apologise for spending time with my son, Sam. I never will."

Her anger deflated again, God when did she get so emotional, this man drove her insane.

"I'm not asking you to apologise I don't mean it like that. You have a family and I understand that you have to spend time with them."

"Well then why didn't you come to me, any of us."

"Because you were all so busy, you all had lives and stuff to do and I didn't know how to explain."

"Explain what?"

"It doesn't matter now."

"Yes it does, it does to me. What wouldn't I understand."

Sam tried to turn away again but Jack caught her by the shoulder. The contact was fleeting but it succeeded in keeping her put.

"Everyone was moving on, everyone had someone in their lives and I just felt lost. I felt alone and before you say it I know that it was stupid and I know it's petty but everyone was moving on and I was stuck."

"Come on Carter, how could you think you were alone, how could you…"

"Because I was. Because I had no one. Mark lives hundreds of miles away and if I'm lucky I'll see him twice a year. Dad isn't the most reliable, Janet has Cassie, Teal'c has a family, even Jonas is dating someone and he's not even human. You got married and retired and Daniel, he was so busy getting back to life. And I understand why I'm not a priority , I shouldn't be a priority but it doesn't make a difference. It doesn't make it any less painful to understand that you're not important in anyone's life."

"Come on Carter, not important. Hell you've saved the world single-handed on more then one occasion." Jack cried loudly.

"My brain is important, but I want to be important. Just me, not what I can do or what I know, just me."

"And you thought that Black Ops. would do that for you." He scoffed.

"No of course not, but I couldn't stand by any more and watch everyone else be happy and not do anything. I had to at least try to change something and the only thing I had left was my job, so I changed it."

"But you just left Sam. You didn't say goodbye, didn't leave a note."

Sam sniffed and used her hand to wipe away the tears that escaped her eyes.

"You wouldn't let me go, none of you would."

"Didn't that tell you something Sam? Didn't that tell you that someone cared?"

"I couldn't stay. I couldn't stay and feel like that, feel so horribly alone for how long. The rest of my life."

"Fine lets just say for arguments sake that you were justified in leaving the first time but you came back Sam and you left again."

"I know."

"And what I told you, what I said didn't matter. You're after going on about wanting someone to care. I cared, I told you I cared and you still left. Why Sam?"

But she didn't reply, she was so tired, she felt emotionally drained. Jack took her by the shoulders again and shook her slightly to regain her attention.

"Why?" he implored.

"You didn't want me, not really. You just wanted me to stay and so you said it. You didn't mean it."

Jack stared at her slacked jaw.

"How could you not think I meant it Sam, when have I ever spoken about my feelings seriously and not meant it."

He was angry again, his fingers were digging into her shoulders. But if he could do angry so could she.

"You MARRIED someone else. What the hell was I supposed to believe, that you loved me and just happened to be marrying someone else." She was shouting, she knew she was shouting but she didn't care.

"But the second time, I wasn't married and you still went." Jack furiously pointed out.

"You didn't mean it!"

"I told you already that I…"

"NO! You didn't. If you meant that, if you really felt that, why would you marry someone else. Why would you only tell me when I'm about to leave. You just want your steady and reliable Carter to hang around and give you an ego boost from time to time. I told you, I wouldn't be someone's second best, I won't be in a relationship with someone out of pity."

Jack's shoulders slumped. He looked as though he'd been punched and in a quite voice he said,

"I know me marrying Nicole hurt you but you've got to understand.."

"Hurt me, you know it hurt me. The man I loved for 7 years, who I thought loved me, who I thought I mattered to declared he was getting married and retiring. I didn't even know you were seeing someone else. You don't know what it's like to find out you pinned so much hope and feeling to this one thing, this one person to find out it was all in your head. Something you've been fooling yourself with for years so that you wouldn't have to face up to how empty your life really is. You don't know what it felt like to sit there and watch you marry some else and finally, FINALLY, get how little you matter to anyone. You'd don't know, how could you know."

By now tears were streaming down her face and she wanted desperately to leave, to get away. She tried to push by him, try to get to the ladder but he wouldn't let her leave.

"I know what hurt is, I had to watch you walk away with another man as well Carter. I had to watch while you left me behind. You think it's easy for me the way you keep wafting in and out of my life, you think this is fun for me."

"I don't mean to."

"But you do and here you are again ready to wander back into my life."

"I wasn't trying to.."

"But you are here, aren't you trying to get back into my life."

"I wasn't trying to bother you. I was trying to leave. I AM trying to leave."

She tried to push by him. To brush off his arms. To get to the ladder.

"No."

Sam's head snapped up on hearing Jack's strangled voice. Pleading, it sounded as if he was pleading. He shook his head vigorously and this time repeated in a stronger voice.

"No."

She stopped struggling and watched as Jack closed his eyes and distractedly ran a hand through his hair. She was free to escape now but she was frozen to the spot, trapped by the look she had seen in his eyes before he blocked it off by closing them. He looked scared, panicked.

"I was wrong."

Her confession brought his eyes to her face again.

"I was wrong to leave, to betray my friends. To let them all down. I was selfish and I never meant to cause so much pain. You told me you were happy Jack that day in the park. You said you were happy so I left you alone. I've been trying to make it up to people, trying to be a better friend and I thought that if I left you alone it would take away the pain I caused. I was scared, I didn't want to feel like that any more and I ran away."

A hollow chuckle escaped her lips but she didn't recognise it as her own.

"What would my Dad say, a Carter running away from a problem."

Silence reigned but neither made a move to break it. Sam had nothing else to say, she didn't know what else to say. He didn't want her to go but she had no clue if he wanted her to stay. The sound of the front door of Jack's neighbour startled Sam and she looked away. The world flooded back around her and the little world that she and Jack seemed to exist in, created from their anger and pain, burst and Sam inhaled deeply. It was time to stop torturing each other over a past that couldn't be change.

"Friends, we were friends once apon a time right?"

Jack nodded his head.

"We can do that again right. We both made mistakes but we can still be friends."

She knew her voice was touched with desperation but she didn't care. Friends, she could do that if he was willing to try. Trying to control the tremble of her hand she raised it out to him.

He stared at her hand as if it was some bizarre custom he'd never seen. And then in a low demanding tone started,

"I deserve some happiness in my life. I DESERVE some love. I know I may have done some crappy things over the years but I gave up a lot to make sure people I don't know or care about were safe. I deserve to have a family, I deserve to rest. I have earned the right to what everyone else takes for granted."

"I know…." She didn't get further as a death glare from Jack clamped her mouth shut.

"Maybe I shouldn't have married Nicole. Maybe I shouldn't have waited so long to tell you how I felt but that doesn't mean I didn't mean it. And I get it, Sam, I get that you're scared to love me or any man since all the men in your life hurt you or leave or die. All 3 in some causes, and I understand that I'm on that list too. I'm not good with words and I might hurt you again, but never intentionally, I'll never leave you though Sam. You're closer to me than any one on any planet and you WILL love me. I deserve to be with some one who loves me so you will love me."

The arrogance of the man, Sam's mind fumed, her anger back with a vengeance.

"You can't tell me how to feel and you sure as hell can't tell me who to love…"

The rest of Sam's protests were muffled as Jack captured her lips with his in an urgent and demanding kiss. Sam melted into him as her hands moved to his shoulders pulling him nearer until she remembered her anger and started pushing him away. She managed to remove his lips from hers but only by inches.

"You will love me." He repeated

"You can't…." she took a step back but Jack followed her "just tell me…." Another step back and she felt the railing press into her back "how to feel and expect me……".

Jack was leaning into her pining her in place "to feel it." His lips were on hers again.

Hungry and demanding, causing her heart to pound and her brain to stop functioning. Breaking away for much needed oxygen she turned her face away to prevent another repeat performance. She had to bite back a moan as she felt his lips descend onto her neck and begin to caress her tender skin. Unbeknownst to her, her hands had some how made their way to his head and we're now treading through his hair.

"You" kiss "Love" kiss "Me" kiss.

Sam tired, she really tried to come up with a logical argument, to explain how she couldn't stand to be hurt any more but she only got as far as,

"You" before they were kissing once again.

She gasped as Jack's fingers made their way under her top and began to stroke her lower back. He growled in response. She had to get way, she had to stop. She pushed against him again and while he was momentarily distracted slipped from between him and the railing. She moved away until she was far enough away that he couldn't reach her. Both were breathing heavily. Jack's eyes stared at her intently, almost black with a mixture of fear and desire. He made a move towards her but she raised her hands to warn him off.

"Stop" she demanded firmly. He did, his eyes remained trained on her. His voice ruff with emotions when he spoke.

"I love you Sam. I've loved you for years. You were never my second best…."

"Shut up Jack." Her bluntness surprising him.

"I need to say this without you…. distracting me."

He opened his mouth but it was her turn now.

"No, just listen." She closed her eyes for a brief moment.

She listened to the day as it was slowly coming to life and her heart still pounding in her ears. Her skin tingling from his touch, her lips swollen. She could feel the corner of her lips tug upwards. Opening her eyes she was surprised to see Jack had taken a step closer without her noticing. She locked eyes with him. She had to decide now if she was willing to risk her heart on this man. She saw something flicker in his eyes, it was the closest thing she had ever seen in Jack's face to terror. She couldn't hurt him again, she couldn't leave him again either she didn't think she could take it.

"I love you." She said in a rush of breath "you and only you."

Time stood still as Jack blinked, shook his head and then blinked again. She heard him mutter.

"I can't believe that worked" before he scooped her up in his arms and held her tightly to him.

"I knew it." He whispered into her hair. And then lifting her off her feet he spun them both around he shouted.

"I knew she loved me!"

Sam saw the paperboy do a dramatic wobble on his bike and look around for the voice that startled him. Jack placed her back on the ground his grip loosing to let one hand escape and brush a bang from her eyes.

"Don't do that to me Carter, don't ever leave me again."

She grinned, she couldn't help it.

"I won't, I promise" and she sealed it with a kiss.

&&&

Jack's eyes flew open. Something had woken him. His hand automatically reached to the opposite side of the bed. There was nothing there. Jack felt a beat of panic until he heard the toilet flush down the hall. He hated feeling like that. He knew she wouldn't leave again but he still woke up in the middle of the night gripped with fear that he had dreamt it all, that she wasn't really there. He still woke if she left the bed and his arm even just to go to the bathroom. He listened to her progress through his home. He heard her go down stairs and then heard the quite din as the radio was turned on in the kitchen.

He smiled to himself, he loved when she was here. It was over two weeks since they had their 'talk' on the roof. Actually when Sam had eventually pried his hands from around her waist and dragged them away from his nosy neighbours they had actually talked a lot. He couldn't believe it, he Jack O'Neill had actually, openly talked about his feelings. They agreed to take it slowly, a goofy grin spread across his face, that plan hadn't lasted long which was probably his fault. He couldn't help it, it was liberating being able to touch her and kiss her that he took every available opportunity to do so which just kinda led onto other things. But he was definitely NOT complaining about that!

At one point they even agreed to spend some time apart, both still anxious they'd ruin things by rushing it. That wasn't very successful either. Jack had shown up at 4:00 in the morning on their second night apart and dragged her back to his place. It wasn't even about the sex, he just got jumpy when she wasn't around. Hell he had a right to be, she had disappeared twice and he wasn't letting her go now.

He sat up and swung his legs off the side of the bed and used his big toe to pick up his boxers. A wolfish grin spread over his face again as he remembered how they got there. He paid a trip to the bathroom and then made his way to the kitchen. He paused in the doorway and studied her for a moment. She was sitting at the kitchen table with a newspaper spread in front of her. She had a mug of coffee in one hand and a pen in the other. She was absently chewing the top of the pen all of her attention focussed on the paper. This was the third time he caught her looking at the house listings in the newspaper.

So far he had managed to either lose any paper she found anything of interest in and if she did remember any she liked he had managed to distract her. In fact she had only been to see one house which was too far from the base (and his house) for her to live. He walked into the kitchen dropping a kiss onto her forehead before heading for the caffeine. He sat down opposite her at the table.

"Whatca doin'?"

She looked up and treated him to a full-blown smile. He loved that.

"Looking for a place. Do you think 3 bedroom is too much? I know it's a bit excessive but it sounds perfect."

"Hmmm." He really didn't want her to go but he didn't know if he would be pushing it if he asked her to stay.

"There's a smaller place across town that sounds nice too."

Across town! He'd have to drive to see her, he really didn't want her that far away.

"Don't see what's wrong with here." He mumbled.

"Sorry?" she finally dragged her eyes from the paper.

So maybe he didn't mean to come out with it like that but he wasn't going to back out now that he'd started.

"I said I don't see what's wrong with here." He repeated.

"You live here."

"I know."

He could actually pinpoint the moment when Sam finally focused properly on the conversation and got what he was implying in his not so subtle way.

"Did you just ask me to move in?"

Jack didn't answer.

"But you're joking right……right? Cause we're meant to be taking this slowly and if you think about it we've only really been seeing each other for two weeks."

He decided she was definitely cute when she was flustered.

Jack tuned her out after that, he could sense babble mode when he heard it. He stood up and made his way around the table. She was still talking but he interrupted her mid-sentence by kissing her soundly.

"You'll just end up selling it when I ask you to move in later."

She was talking again, he wasn't listening again, he was watching her lips instead. When he got bored with just watching he interrupted her again by kissing her again. He would never get tired of doing that.

"I'll collect your stuff later when you're at work."

She just sat slack jaw at the table, he placed a kiss on the tip of her nose and wandered out of the kitchen. Making his way to the bathroom he striped and stepped into the shower. He was actually excited. The thought of Sam living with him caused a bubble of nervous energy to form in his stomach.

Jack couldn't believe he could have both Sam and Mike in his life and soon enough in his house. So engrossed was he in his own thoughts that he didn't hear the bathroom door open and then close or notice the blurred out line of the person moving on the other side of the shower. He turned when the shower door opened and was greeted by the sight of the very beautiful and very naked Sam Carter. She pulled the door shut after her and took a step forward.

She took another step forward into his personal space and under the shower spray. Jack's eyes followed the water slide across her throat and down between her breasts. She placed a finger under his chin and raised his eyes to meet hers.

"Love you."

He grinned and dropped his head so that his forehead rested against hers.

"Love you ." He replied with a kiss. "Now for our morning work out."

Sam giggled.

"Hope it's not 'find the soap'."

Jack's laughter joined hers.

"I'm sure we can find something more interesting to do." He said with a smug smile.

And just to prove he could he grabbed her by the waist and set about burning off all his excess energy.