Chapter twelve - Defence Against the Dark Arts, with Your Self-obsessed Host, Gilderoy Lockhart!
The next day Harry had Defense Against the Dark Arts third lesson with Gryffindors. That was bad enough news in itself, but what was worse was that Harry hadn't been paying attention to the announcements Dumbledore had made the night before, one of which was concerning their new Defence Professor. Had Harry been listening he would have heard who the professor was in advance, and so he could have taken action before hand concerning the professor: killing himself, for instance, would have been a good choice.
But, as it was, Harry was sitting in the Defence classroom along with the other Slytherin and glaring at the Gryffindors who were at the other side of the room in the traditional split when the professor walked in, held up Longbottom's copy of Travels with Trolls to show everyone his own, winking portrait on the front.
"Me," he said, pointing and winking as well. Many eye brows were raised, and, in the cases of any and all females in the room, dreamy sighs were given. "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile award - but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!"
He waited for a few laughs. The only ones forthcoming were from the lovestruck girls, all of whom were at the from of the respective sides of the room.
"I see you've all brought a complete set of my book - well done. I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about - just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in..."
When Lockhart had handed out the papers he returned to the from of the room and said, "You have thirty minutes. Start - now!"
Harry looked down at the test paper and it took all his self-control to not make a sound. The questions were ridiculous. All fifty-four of them had the words 'Gilderoy Lockhart' in them, and none of them were about defence. Suddenly an idea came to Harry's mind, and he started to answer the questions. They began like this:
1.What is Gilderoy Lockhart's Favourite colour?
I don't know, uh, tarten?
2.What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
Um, To develop his own range of mind controlling hair products?
3.What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?
Probably the fact he got away with writing fiction as fact and that he is now supposed to be teaching us Defence Against the Dark Art's, instead of giving us a ridiculous quiz about him and tiddly little facts that absolutely no one cares about.
Harry went on and on, answering every single question in a similar fashion, until he finally got to the last one.
54.When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday and what would his ideal gift be?
I don't know, why don't you ask his mother when his birthday is and then totally ignore his birthday like the rest of us?
Only minutes after Harry finished writing Lockhart collected in the papers and began flipping through them in front of the class.
"Tut, tut - hardly any of you remembered that my favourite colour is lilac. I say so in Year with a Yeti. And a few of you need to read Weekend with a Werewolf more carefully - I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples - though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey!"
Many eyes were rolled at Lockhart's last statement, and it seemed that for once the feelings between the two houses were mutual - the girls were in love with Lockhart and the boys thought he was one of the most idiotic, moronic and stupidest people in existence. The boys were probably the closest.
The grin on Lockhart's face that showed off everyone of his pearly white teeth faltered as he came to one test, which Harry assumed was his. He flipped it over and frowned, then looked up.
"Harry Potter, stay after class."
And that was it. People turned and stared at Harry, probably all wondering what he had put in his answers that had made Lockhart make the decision to keep him after class. Harry just smirked, and watched as Lockhart bent down behind his desk and lifted a large, covered cage onto it.
"Now - be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know that no harm can whilst I am here."
Harry suddenly felt an impending sense of doom at those words, and he began to wonder if it would be a better idea to get Lockhart out of the room first before whatever was in the cage was revealed. They would undoubtedly be a lot safer that way.
"All I ask is that you remain calm. I must ask you not to scream, it might provoke."
Harry suddenly felt like bursting into laughter. He could tell that this class was going to be pointless and a waste of time.
"Yes, Lockhart said dramatically. "Freshly caught Cornish pixies."
Several gasps came from the girls in the room whilst al the boys tried not to laugh. Finnigan didn't manage to control himself as well as the Slytherins, or even the Gryffindors. He let out a snort of laughter that even Lockhart could not have mistaken for a cry of fear, and that was saying something. Harry could, for once, agree with muggle-loving Gryffindor.
It was almost enough to make Harry smile, the fact that Lockhart had said they would be facing the foulest creatures known to wizardkind. Pixies were hardly foul. In fact, from what Harry knew, they just liked to play tricks on people.
"Yes?" Lockhart smiled at Finnigan.
"Well they're not - they're not very - dangerous are they?" Finnigan just choked out.
"Don't be so sure! Devilish tricky little blighters they can be!"
Harry suddenly felt as if the impending doom he had felt earlier was about to be justified, so he stuck his hand in the air.
"Professor, may I go to the bathroom?"
Lockhart nodded, but told him to hurry back, as he would miss the best part. Harry hurried past the cage of electric blue pixies and out of the room. He had no intention of getting back in quickly. He could just imagaine what would happen: Lockhart was going to release the pixies, he guessed, and from what he had seen already, Lockhart would be unable to deal with it.
Several minutes later the class ended and everyone fled the classroom just as Harry was returning. It looked like Harry's suspicions had been correct. Lockhart came out last and he shut the door quickly behind him. See Harry stabnding there with a raised eyebrow, he tried to look as if he hadn't been fased by straightening his robes and smiling widely.
"Mr Potter, I believe I wanted to see you after class."
Harry nodded at the professors words.
"Very well, come to my office, it will be easier to talk there."
Once in Lockhart's office, just a few doors down from his classroom, Harry sat down in the chair that was placed in front of the desk in there, feeling suddenly slightly perturbed at being surrounded by so many pictures of Lockhart, all smiling merrily and waving cheerfully.
"Ah, Harry, Harry, Harry," Lockhart said, shaking his head sadly as soon as he had sat down. "I am truly disappointed in the way that you answered the questions on my quiz, though nothing to be shocked at. Attention seeking, most likely. But I'm afraid a few of your answers quite disturbed me. Would you mind telling me why you said my books were works of fiction?"
Harry simply raised an eyebrow.
"Well, they are. It is a simple enough reason," Harry said, not showing any of his thoughts, which were along the lines of 'what the hell does this fraud think he's playing at?!' and 'I wonder if it would be possible to break all the teeth Lockhart has in his photos...'. "Also, on the question I put that as my answer for, you ask for my opinion, which I gave."
"Harry, Harry, Harry, do you think that I did nothing towards my books besides writing them?"
"Yes," Harry nodded, having a good idea where this conversation was going to go.. "Pretty much."
"Well you are wrong. I had to do much research on them. I-"
"So you admit you didn't do anything in them? Just researched, possibly found out the exact stories, placed memory charms on the people who told you them then altered the accounts for your own purposes?"
Lockhart looked horror-struck at being found out. He probably hadn't been expecting to have been figured out by a twelve-year-old.
"Well, Harry, my dear boy, it appears you now know the truth. But I can't have to going around telling everyone I did not do the things I said I did in my books. It would be bad for sales, you see. Now..."
When Harry saw that Lockhart was reaching for his wand, Harry made a quick grab for his own, but did not get to it in time. Before he could ever raise it he saw Lockhart's wand pointed directly between his eyes.
"Say good-bye to your memories boy! Obliviate!"
"Wha-" Harry started to say, but then he forgot what he was going to say.
"So Mr Potter, can I expect you to act more mature in future?"
"What? Oh, yes," Harry said confused. What was he doing in Lockhart's office? He couldn't remember.
A/N: Wow, that was fun. You have no idea how much I hate Lockhart at the moment, whether it's because of what he did to Harry or because I used a lot of his speech in this chapter from Chamber of Secrets so I had to read a bit about him, I don't know, but I really hate him.
Okay, the whole thing with the Chamber will start next chapter. Not so much as Harry getting blamed, but it will be opened, and as Harry hates Halloween, he won't be at the feast, so you can imagine what everyone's reactions will be, especially considering I told you at the end of chapter ten.
Virginia Riddle-Malfoy: Yes, cheese. The Mirror doesn't have a sense of humour though. One of Harry's current heart's desires is cheese.
Lap: I would say you were in a bit of a state then, whch would explain the lack of a review. I'm pretty much certain Harry will be evil in this story. I cut out the summer for a very good reason, and it's one of the few things I've pretty much had planned from the start. As to what was so bad that Harry would consider an obliviate, he was a the Dursleys a long, long time (well, it seemed it to him). And about what Harry will do about the Chamber, you literally gave me the entire idea for it now, and I know exactly when Harry will start to help.