A/N: Thanks to the reviewers...To clarify: I am 12 (going on 13), so yeah, I'm young (and proud of it)

the Unrequited Lover- You're actually not that much older, I'm about to turn 13...And yes, here is the long awaited (not really, only 2 days) autobiography :)

aperfectattitude- hehe..the email was my favorite part to write too

Everto Angelus- Spelling and grammar are easy.The hard part is making sure that the writing isn't sub-standard aka sucky in any parts :-P

absolute power- No, actually I'm short too...At least to other people...I'm only 5'2 and the people I know are all 5'5 +...Anyway, short people and fairies rock

Hehe..This is a parody at times,butmethinks'tis funny. On to the story!

"I'll beback guys, I'm just going to get us some pencils. Remember Charlie and Bob, no stabbing people with the pencil this time," said Dr. Friedland warmly, as if stabbings were an everyday occurence in her support group.

Artemis looked away from the paper in front of him and at the people around him. One appeared to be schizophrenic, as he was carrying on a conversation with "Bob" and "Charlie" at the same time. Apparently, "Bob" had stolen "Charlie's" wife and they were in a brawl. It amazed Artemis that the man did not notice he was punching and choking himself.

The woman next to him was drooling and howling like a dog,barking at random intervals throughout the session. When Artemis had entered the room, she had leaped on him and licked him, which apart from disturbing Artemis greatly, made him worried for his health. What if she had rabies?

Last and certainly not least(at least in his own eyes), was Artemis in his Armani suit, just sitting there, staring blankly into space, wondering how he was to endure treatment with these nutcases. Maybe if he pretended to be like them? No that wouldn't work. For the first time in his life, Artemis sighed and resigned himself to his fate. 'Not before I have a little fun,' thought Artemis as Dr. Friedland returned with pencils. As he took a pencil, no one saw his vampiric grin before beginning to fill out his 'Autobiography'.

Question 1: How were your early years (1-7)?

I am quite grateful you skipped the requisite 'When were you born' question, as I would have strangled myself had you included it. Oh dear, those are suicidal tendencies aren't they? Quick, get me some Zoloft!

For your information, my "early years" were quite productive, if I may say so myself. But then again, what can you expect from a godly being such as myself? While the other moronic children were playing hopscotch, I was busy stealing their stuffed animals and holding them for ransom. And stabbing them. Viciously. By now you are quite aware that I have no intention of telling you anything that might help your diagnosis. But because I know you are under contractual obligation to read the rest of this, I shall continue, in order to frustrate you for my amusement.

Question 2: Did your parents ever abuse you/ignore you?

Oh yes, doctor, they beat me horribly. I am weeping as I write this, oh woe is me, I am the horribly abused child. I'm suffering from flashbacks and they destroy me.. (that was sarcasm, you insufferable moron)

In all seriousness, they did hire a bodyguard named Butler for me, but that's probably because they got tired of me getting held at precincts for trying to rob ATMs. Now, Butler is 15 years older because he got shot and came back to life thanks to Captain Short. Am I driving you insane yet, Dr. Friedland?

At this point, Artemis looked up. The room was the site of utter chaos. Apparently Dog Woman (as Artemis had dubbed her) had eaten her paper and was trying to steal Bob/Charlie's paper to eat. Bob responded by sitting on her and Charlie punched her. Dog Woman however, had bitten them both and was running around the room on all fours, knocking over desks and tearing papers. Meanwhile, Dr. Friedland surveyed the scene with utter calmness, an isolated spot of sanity in the room. Artemis just shrugged and continued occupying himself with the paper.
Question 3: Please describe yourself as you see yourself.

In a couple of adjectives? Dashing, handsome, genius, devious, cunning, godly- you get the point. I am the epitome of perfect. Come on, look at me! You know you can't resist...Even fairies fancy me (not to mention a certain centaur named Foaly).

My genius, as many know, is unrivaled throughout Europe. At the age of 10, I had successfully forged over 100 masterpieces, including Van Gogh and Monet's most famous works. And you know what I did with them? I could have sold them for 10 million euros each, but I took a candybar and 5 euros from a bum. Close enough.

Question 4: Have you suffered any traumas recently?.

Apart from seeing Foaly naked? And getting buzzed in the arse by a Neutrino 2000? No, not really. Although I do enjoy spending my time traumatizing fairies and holding things over their heads. Don't try to strap into a straitjacket, as I will scream 'Help me!' and I'm sure Butler would be happy to oblige by letting you taste the wrath of his Sig Sauer. Bwhahahaha.

Question 4: How do others describe you?

Honestly, I think they are frightened to describe me as they would like,as Butler could break their neck in 100 different ways. Although I'm sure one way would be quite alright. But if they were to describe me, I'm sure it would be positive (especially from my fangirls) I quote: "OMG ARTEMIS IZ SO EFFIN HAWT!ONE!11 LYKE TOTALLY!1"

Question 5: What are your defects, as you see them?

I'm a bit paranoid, but that is only because my fangirls adore me so. They hide in my shower, for Da Vinci's sake! Other than that, I repeat: I am the epitome of perfect. I'm the smartest person since Einstein, I'm young, suave, and debonair. Hey, even prophecies describe me well "dark eyes, and raven hair" although I do resent the "foul by nature" bit. Except for the small detail that I might have a mental disorder, but I'm sure you can fix that all, can't you Dr. Friedland?

Question 6: Any last comments?

If you do not give me 10.5 million US dollars by tommorow, I shall detonate a bomb in your house. Or I'll just send Root to give you a lapdance. That will be enough to send you blubbering and weeping uncontrollably to your own support group.

Signed,

Artemis Fowl the Second aka Insane Fairy Boy.

As Artemis finished the last words, he smiled. Friedland's reaction would be priceless. Now all he had to do was to wait for Dr. Friedland to read it.

A/N:The "prophecy" I am referring to is the code at the bottom of the first Artemis Fowl book. I translated both the first one and The Opal Deception (yay!)Yes, there will be a next chapter :o It's going to be Friedland's reaction to the paper...Read and review please! Flames will be used to burn down Dr. Friedland's office.