Chapter Thirty One

Liberty, sick-bay

All in all he had waited five hours for the medics to finish Coreena's surgery and bacta treatment, and he hadn't eaten anything in the five hours nor had he slept or even dosed off. Marcus had been way too worried for the outcome to do anything else than sit around and stare at the surgery room's door or prowling the Liberty's corridors. And now he was back again, and everything was done and he was standing right in front of the window showing the recovery room. She should be waking up any minute, the medics had told him, and he was impatiently waiting just for that moment. Granted, he wished to be in the room when she was there, but the ship's counselor and the medics had advised against it, and so he was contend with at least being able to look at her when she awoke.

He continued starring into the room, and suddenly something stirred under the covers of the only bed in the room. A monitor to his side showed her face, and he could see the eyes in her pale and bony face cracking open very slowly. For a moment, there was just confusion on her face, but then she slowly turned her head and her eyes widened and the expression on her face changed from confusion to downright terror. She sat bold upright and starred around wildly in the room. And then the screaming started. It was so loud that he could hear it through the thick isolating window, and his first reaction was bolting to the door and trying to get inside the room, but he was held back by one of the medics that had been observing her as well. "Don't go in there, Lieutenant. We will handle the situation. You would it only make worse.", and then two female medics went into the room, but were beat to it by him, rushing inside and at Coreena's side faster than anyone had expected him to. In an instant he had her in his arms, and suddenly she was very, very quiet. The silence that suddenly ensued was as deafening as the screams from before had been.

Two wide mismatched eyes were starring at him, and for a fleeting second something like recognizing him flared up, but then suddenly she was screaming again and desperately trying to escape him. Feeling more helpless than ever before he releases as quickly as he could and walked to door kind of dazed. Before he finally exited the room he turned around another time, and saw her being comforted by two female medics, all the time avoiding eye-contact with him. Everything inside of him went kind of numb, and feeling haggard, he finally turned around and left the room. This was not absolutely not how he had envisioned her coming home again.

Brig

"Look, you've checked me for hidden tracking devices at least ten times now, have looked at places of my body I didn't even I had and have asked me the same questions twenty times at least. Each of them. Don't you think it's time you give yourself a break here?"

The security officer, a Lieutenant by the name of Galenus only glared at her, shuffling around his data cards. "We will search and ask you as long and as much as we want. You came here under very strange circumstances, and we have to be extra cautious now that… never mind." Galenus almost bit his tongue. He wasn't to tell the prisoner anything about the ship or their situation or just everything that had to do with the Alliance. If he couldn't learn to shut his trap in the right moment, it was no wonder he just wasn't promoted.

He looked at the prisoner, a blonde woman in her early thirties who claimed to having been CMO aboard the Predator, again, and saw her only raise an eyebrow at him. "Well… all right. I gotta go give my superiors a summary. I'll be back in one or two hours, most probably with a more definite answer as what we're about to do with you." And with that the security officer left the brig, leaving behind only a guard by the door. For a moment Kardian played with the idea of intimidating the guard a bit, just for the fun of it, but then the fatigue that had been simmering at the edge of her consciousness slowly started to set in and she set down on her cot, leaning her head back and closing her eyes.

At some point she must have drifted into sleep, because the next thing she knew was that someone was shaking her gently and asking her to wake up. Drowsily she cracked her eyes open, but was fully alert when she saw the security officer standing before her again. He was accompanied by two other male humans in the same uniform and a male Mon Calamari and a female human in what looked like the Alliance equivalent of med-service scrubs. Trying to look dignified, she stood up, smoothed out her wrinkled and worn Imperial uniform and made a brave face.

The security officer cleared his throat and spoke up, sounding somewhat ceremonial: "Imperial Lieutenant Dr. Ilara Kardian, you have been cleared for service within the fleet of the Alliance. If you wish to sign up, you will be commissioned as a Commander in the Medical Service as soon as you accept." He was finished, and everyone was starring at her. For a moment she couldn't quite grasp what was happening, but then the impact came full force. They were offering her a future. They were accepting her, despite her Imperial history, and they were even promoting her. Now it was on her to clear her throat. With half-smile, she finally said: "Well… then the prodding and prying was good for something at least. Yes, I'd love to serve in the Medical Service. Where can I sign up?" Was that twitching of the Mon Calamari's mouth tentacles the equivalent to a human smile? It had to be, since he answered in a deep and guttural voice: "And we would be happy to have you with us. We are at war, and in war there can't be enough medics on a ship. I'm sure we will find an adequate posting for you once all the formalities are over."

And with that she was released from the brig and handed over to the medics who were taking her into their midst and taking her to her new quarters. Somewhere deep in the back of her mind she knew that with the Predator and Chesfer and Tellik having survived there most probably was no place in the galaxy where she was a hundred percent save, but just right now she didn't care. Here were people who obviously knew to appreciate her skills and her eagerness to work and her final refusal to continue with the inhumane and unethical practice of the Imperial Medical Service, and just here and know she would only be found enjoying what she had.

Work-out room

And so they were back to where it all had started. The work-out room. Where they had fought and enjoyed their first casual steps towards each other and had made love. And now it would be the place where she ultimately broke his and her heart. But he didn't know that yet. At the moment he was just looking expectantly at her, his usual cool demeanor just being a superficial concealment of the anxiety he felt underneath. She maybe couldn't his read thoughts but she well damn knew how to read his body. The slight tapping of his foot, the twitching of his right index finger, the casual shifting of his stance now and then… they were all giving away his nervousness and his insecurity.

If she was honest, her heart was already showing cracks, just because of the sight of this. Back in the corridor, when he had been sending her to bed and had gone to the debriefing in her stead, he had practically declared his undying love for her – well, for someone like him, saying "I care about you.", meant nothing more – and here she was, about to shatter it all. She took a deep breath, clearing her throat, and he said: "Well?"

She made another attempt, determined not to let herself being talked out of it, and with a wavering in her voice for which she resented herself deeply, she said: "Marten, I… This is not… easy for me but I… I… think we should… stop this. I don't… you… deserve someone else. I'm just… I can't go on with this." Disbelief was clouding his eyes, and just gave the knife already being stuck in her heart another twist. "I don't… what the hell are you trying to say?" She looked away, unable to continue seeing his eyes. "I'm saying that I can't do this anymore. We are both soldiers, Marten, we are bound to die sooner or later. Well, more likely sooner than later. And I… I sometimes have the feelings that I'm only bringing death or hurt to the people close to me. I just… don't want that to happen to you. Besides, it's reflecting on our performances and on our interaction with the rest of the squadron. If we continue, nothing good will come out of it. I'm… sorry, but I just can't."

After that there was only silence. For what seemed like an eternity he was just staring at her, saying nothing. The longer as the silence grew the more she felt a kind of tension rising up in the room she absolutely didn't like.

"So in the end the great Emperor-may-care Kenzy is a trembling little coward underneath all that glitter?", came suddenly the taunting reply from him, and she felt like being hit physically. Not different them him, most probably., something whispered in the back of her mind, but she chose to ignore it. She wasn't having second thoughts, she was going to end this. "If you want to see it this way, then feel free to do it. This is none of my business. But I wish you would at least try to understand my reasons instead of jumping at my throat in the next best moment.", she said, defiantly raising her chin. "Your reasons are worth sithspit, Kenzy! Don't tell me this was just a little fling for you. I've seen you, felt you, been inside of you, I know, you aren't as indifferent as you claim."

"I never said , I was indifferent. I just said, I couldn't go on with it because I didn't want you to get too close to me. Having someone close means being easy to hurt and I'm sick of getting hurt and…" In an instant she realized her mistake and shut up. Without intending to, she had told him one of her deepest fears, and suddenly she felt like the last idiot. She had practically given him her heart on a silver platter, and now her biggest fear was that he would do the same with her heart as she had done with his heart: crush it under the heel of his boots. But he was silent again. Then, coming nearer her, he tried to reach out to her and stroke her cheek, but she turned her head away. She knew, if she let him touch her now, she would never get out of this while she still could. "No, Marten…" And then her voice broke, and her eyes watered but she forced herself to carry out her mission like the good, little soldier she had always been. "I just can't. I'm sorry. But you don't deserve someone like me. You deserve someone who can give you what you need, and who isn't afraid of letting someone close. Someone who won't break your heart because she can't stand the thought of losing you in battle and who doesn't close herself off from you because of that fear. I've… got to go. I requested getting Devil back as my wing-man, and as soon as her flight status is cleared, she'll be back. Please try to understand. I just… I'm so sorry."

And with that she took a step backwards, and looked into his eyes, and her heart shattered into a thousand pieces as she saw his eyes when her words hit home, but she forced herself to turn around and walk away. The tears in her eyes stung but she didn't shed a single one. Not when she was walking out on him, nor when she walked through the corridors to her quarters, not when she lied down on her cot, staring off into nothingness, feeling her insides slowly going numb.

For a while she just continued lying and staring, being in some kind of shock, when suddenly she felt herself being overcome by nausea. Awaking from her stupor, she jumped up, sprinting to the bath rooms, while all the time trying to hold it down. In the end she arrived at the bath rooms just in time, throwing up into the next washstand. When it was over, she rinsed her mouth clean and leaned heavily on the rims of the basin, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Yeah, she really was revolting, even to herself. With a bitter laugh, she finally went back to her quarters, hoping that eventually the turmoil in her head and in her stomach would settle down and she would be her old self again.

Lt. Lochlin's quarters

It had been two days now since the fiasco in sick-bay, and he still hadn't fully been able to process everything. For the last two days, he had been standing a bit besides himself, attending to a million briefings but each of them only marginally registering in his mind. Most of the time he had put up his "dutiful officer"-face but inside he hadn't been on the job. He had found himself drifting back to that look of realization followed by a look of absolute horror in her eyes when he had held her, and it seemed that this look was haunting him even into his dreams. He had the horrible feeling that it all was his fault, and he yearned to speak to her, explain to her that he never intended to hurt her, apologize for being so rash, but they didn't even let him into sick-bay anymore.

And now he had this communiqué lying before him that told him that from tomorrow morning on he would be not only temporary but permanent commander of Gray Squadron because the former commander, Captain Coreena Nunavut Mallan, had been rendered unfit to fly for an indefinite amount of time and was handing back her commission and resigning from service within Starfighter Command and traveling to the site of her permanent retirement on the fighter carrier Star Field by the time of this evening.

His eyes had read the text, but it hadn't quite registered in his brain yet. Technically he knew that they would most probably be bringing her to a safe planet where she would stay for the rest of her life, and that he would see her never again, but he still couldn't quite grasp everything.

Suddenly a message appeared on his data pad, and he opened it absent-mindedly, but being all alert when he saw the sender. Coreena Mallan. Anxiously he taped down until the text came and started to read:

Marcus,

by the time you read this I will be flying over to the Star Field, being a civilian, and on my way to what will be my home for the rest of my life most probably. I hope, you understand that I have to do this. I'm not a pilot anymore, and I don't know if I'm me anymore. You've seen it yourself, I'm unstable, and not able to stay in a room with a man for more than seconds without freaking out completely. There's not much left of me, and I need space to save the last bits that are still there. Please don't come looking for me once I'm gone. You have a duty to fulfill, and you will do it. Consider this my last order, if you like. Or the urgent request of someone desperately needing to be away from everything that has to do with ships and uniforms and soldiers. It's your choice, only please comply with the request. I wish we could have had something different, but we weren't meant to. Goodbye, Marcus, you were what helped me through it all in the end. I wish you luck and good hunting.

Coreena

Suddenly his view was strangely blurred and with mild surprise he realized that he was crying. Almost angrily he wiped away the tears and read the letter again. It were two things that got stuck in his head. One was the sentence "You were what helped me through it all in the end.", because for some reason it made his heart miss a beat and feel giddy all inside.

And the other was her plead to never try to find her and carry on his duty as a pilot. He decided taking it as an order from her, at least momentarily helping him over the strange mass of feelings that started to create itself in the pit of his stomach. Right. He had a duty. He was a full-fledged squadron commander now. The commander of a squadron that would go hunting now. And it would be a good hunt, because they would be hunting the man that had caused them all this grief.

Filled with a kind of grim determination he stood up again and headed for the briefing room to meet his squadron there. There was a lot to brief them about. And when the briefing was done… the hunting season would be opened.

THE END

A/N: Whoa... I've been working for years on this story, and now that I'm done I do feel regrets that it's over. But I'm also quite pleased with myself. And I've got a question: What about sequels/spin-offs? I've got a few good ideas in the back of my mind and on my hard-drive already, who want to be published as well. Anyone interested?

All right, so I'll write and publish them anyway, but I'd still love to have some feedback on this one.

Oh, and please don't get confused when the story comes up again some times, because I'll finally be doing some glitch fixing.