AUTHORS NOTE: The song used in this chapter is 'Breathe' by Melissa Etheridge. Lyrics courtesy of played the fool today
And I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
But home
Is a feeling I buried in you

Carol stood in the doorway, silent, unable to move or speak for several minutes. Finally, with her arms crossed over her chest, she asked in a low whisper, "Is she why you left the restaurant?" Not getting a response, Carol tried again, trying her best not to scream the words, "Is she why you left the restaurant!"

Doug reached out and put his hands on Carol's shoulders. "Carol..."

Carol shoved Doug's arms away. "Don't touch me!" she spat, her eyes brimming with tears. She took a deep breath and began again. "I'm only going to ask this one more time." Not taking her eyes off Doug's, she annunciated every word. "Is she the reason you left the restaurant?"

Doug couldn't bear to look her in the eye. Averting his gaze, he mumbled "yeah..."

Nodding silently, Carol turned and began walking down the hall. "Carol, wait!" Doug pleaded, walking after her.

"What!" she asked, whirling around so fast she almost lost her balance.

"Let's talk about this," he suggested.

"Talk about this?" she repeated. "You wanna talk about this? Y'know Doug, you remind me of someone," Carol crossed her arms over her chest, looking briefly away from Doug. "Your father." She waited for the words to sink in, for the sting she knew was there, for the nerve she knew she'd hit.

Doug just stared at her, unable to say a word.

After what seemed like hours, Carol continued. "You want our children to grow up the way we did, Doug? Fatherless? Do you want them to know firsthand what it was like for you as a kid, pretending to be asleep when your dad came in drunk at four in the morning and picked a fight with your mother after screwing some slut?"

"You don't know a damn thing about my father," Doug said in a weak defense. He knew she was right.

Carol laughed in spite of the situation. "I knew him well enough to see you becoming him more and more every day. I don't want to become your mother, Doug. I don't want to be sitting up nights, worrying about where you are, who you're with... hell, if you're even alive!" Taking her voice down a few notches, she went on. "My mother hated men, Doug. Hated them. For years. You know how long it took me to make a real commitment to you," she said, her eyes welling up with tears again. She let them spill over this time, not even bothering to wipe them away. "And now that I have, you go and complicate things again. I don't know what you want," she sniffed, shrugging, her eyebrows raised, another exasperated laugh escaping her mouth. "All I know is that you better get your act together once and for all, Doug Ross. Because I am not going to sit and watch you slowly ruin our lives." With that, Carol turned and began walking away.

"I'm sorry," Doug called after her. "Carol-"

"I'm sorry." It sounded just as pitiful as it had six years ago on the El platform, or during the Baby Josh fiasco, or a year ago in the ambulance bay after Dr. Anspaugh closed her clinic because of the Ricky Abbott case, or the countless other times she had heard it. Carol turned quickly and looked at him, tears still running down her face. "That's what you always say, Doug."

I'm alright I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
And I can't ask for things to be still again
No I can't ask if I could walk though the world in your eyes
Longing for home again
But home
Is a feeling I buried in you

After their argument, Carol walked the five blocks to County. She'd been an employee there only three days prior, but it felt weird being there. She decided to sit on the bench in the ambulance bay instead of going inside right away, not ready to face her friends and their assorted questions just yet.

Leslie left shortly after Carol, which Doug was happy about. He knew Carol was right and he wasn't going to deny it. After all, he was in enough trouble as it was. He had picked the twins up at the sitters and returned to the hotel.

"Looks like it's just us tonight," he told the girls, as he put them to bed. "Your mom's pretty mad at me. She should be. Your old man was stupid. That's not the way it's going to be," he vowed, running his hand over Kate's head. "I promise."

I'm alright I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe
My window through which nothing hides
And everything sings
I'm counting the signs
And cursing the miles in between
Oh
And home is a feeling I buried in you
That I buried in you
I'm alright I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

"Carol?"

The sound of Mark's voice startled Carol from her thoughts.

"What're you doing out here?" he asked. "Everything okay?" Mark took a seat next to Carol on the bench, putting his lab coat around her. She looked like she was freezing.

"Doug left the restaurant to meet a woman," she said simply.

"What?" Mark could hardly believe what Carol was telling him. He had known Doug Ross for years - hell, they were best friends - and all of Doug's "signs" had even gotten past him.

Carol looked at Mark and nodded. "Yep."

"I... I don't know what to say, Carol," Mark said honestly.

"You don't have to say anything, Mark. I'm just stupid and naive, apparently. I thought he could change... I thought he HAD changed." Carol was near tears now and tried to hide them from Mark.

Mark slid an arm gingerly around her shoulder. "C'mon, let's go somewhere and talk."

The two ended up on the roof of the hospital. Mark had managed to "smuggle" Carol in without being seen.

A million things were going through Mark's head. "What..."

"I don't know, Mark," Carol said, wiping her tear-stained face with the back of her hand. "Whatever it is you're going to ask, I don't know."

After a brief pause, he gently asked, "Would you like me to leave you alone?" He could tell he wasn't going to get much out of her and he needed to get back to work.

"Could you?" Carol turned to look at him, tears streaming down her face. "I'm sorry, Mark. I just need time to... figure this out."

"Of course," he said sympathetically, squeezing her hand. "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

"Thanks," she said, watching him walk away.

1 hour later

Carol had lost track of the time she'd been standing on the roof, looking at the Chicago skyline illuminated by lights. She was so deep in her thoughts that a long-forgotten yet familiar voice made her breath catch in her throat.

"Carol?"

Carol turned to see the last person she expected standing in the doorway. "Carol Hathaway?"

She couldn't believe her eyes. After all these years, there he was, in the flesh, right before her eyes. "Tag?"

John Taglieri walked towards her and she could see that the years had treated him well. He was even more handsome than she remembered. She wiped at her face and smiled at him. "What... what are you doing here?"

"I'm in town for the conference... You... you look great," he said, looking her over.

"Thanks, so do you," she said, a little hesitantly.

"I'm in Boston now," Tag told her, trying to make conversation. "I've got my own practice, and... What about you? No husband, I see," he said, taking her hand into his. "I figured you and Doug Ross would be married with ten kids by now."

"Something like that," she mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing," she said, shaking her head.

"You okay?" he asked, visibly concerned.

"I'm fine," she said, dissolving into tears again.

Tag took her by the shoulders affectionately. "What's the matter, Carol?" he asked, trying to look her in the eye. Carol only buried her face in his chest. "I found Doug with another woman tonight," she mumbled into his shirt.

"Oh Carol," he said sympathetically. "I'm so sorry." He began to rub her back, trying to calm her.

Over the next 45 minutes, Carol unloaded everything to Tag. The girls, Seattle, everything. "I'm so sorry, Tag," she said, tears threatening to overflow again.

"Hey," he said seriously, taking her face in his hands. The two stared at one another for what seemed like days. Carol knew what she was about to do was wrong, but it felt so right. She leaned in closer, inch by inch, as Tag did the same. "We shouldn't..." Tag mumbled. "Mmmhmm..." she replied, taking his mouth with hers. She had forgotten what he tasted like, but a part of her always remembered. She took his face in her hands, pulling him closer to her. She wanted him. Desperately.