Disclaimer: I am nothing more than a devoted fan having fun; playing with my digital watch, moving little pieces of green paper around to amuse myself… and writing. Writing is good too. That said, I am in no way, shape or form connected with Douglas Adams, due in part to the fact that he is dead. I'm not getting any money from this, though, Belgium, that would be great too!

Assembled (insert heritage here)-(insert country of current citizenship here)s…

The Maxi-Magalon Institute for Slowly and Painfully Working Out the Surprisingly Obvious is proud to sponsor this addition of The Hitchhiker Monologues. Which is…

Monologue of a Golgafrinchan Captain

OR

How a Rubber Duck Went "BLHAT"

It was shortly after that report thingy from Number Two when it happened. Frightfully keyed-up person, Number Two, shifty eyes, and all. He always seems to enjoy shouting and bringing bad news about this whole nasty business about transporting…what was it?...telephone sanitation engineers, I think. Yes, that was it. I don't know, it's quite depressing sometimes. We never seem to hear tell of any of the other two "Ark" ships. Sometimes it almost seems as if…but anyway, I'm getting sidetracked, aren't I? Sorry about that, only it gets quite boring when you've only yourself to talk to, at least half of the time it is…about half, I'd say.

Anyway, it was after that report thingy from Number Two when it happened. It was frightfully exciting, and all that, but on the whole, quite overrated. I really don't see why it was necessary to 'crash', per se, on the planet. All the carnage and loss of life and all that…quite dreadful, of course, but on the whole, quite overrated. There are times when it seems…but no, it couldn't be…no I think I'd much rather sit and enjoy my nice, warm bath now than think of what it seems like sometimes.

But…that's…the other thing. You see my baths just haven't been the same since the crash. Of course there's no more hot water or soap, but everyone more-or-less expected those to run out eventually. No, the really quite disturbing thing about my baths now is their rather distinctive lack of rubber ducky. I know it may seem trivial, but as I said, it gets rather boring half the time when you've only yourself to talk to. It's quite sad, really, because my rubber ducky sort of…died in the crash. I don't suppose you'd want to know the details, it's really quite messy, in fact. Poor Number One will probably be scarred for life. Nice chap, Number One. He offered to commission a new, more yellow rubber ducky for me as soon as possible when the "A" and "B" arks arrive. I suspect I shall simply have to try to patch the old one up for the time being until that happens. Or I suppose I could borrow Number Two's if he'd let me… Anyway, it really was quite a heart-stoppingly horrible event for me, as it was partially my fault that it…erm…well died in the first place.

You see, I thought that, well, if I could protect the rubber water fowl during the crash it might prevent undue wear and tear on the rubber. If only the scientists or engineers from the "A" or "B" arks had been here they would have warned me not to, but I thought that if I sat on it, it might be protected under my derriere from any unnecessary jolts. Unfortunately, I must have gained a few pounds sitting in this bath all the time for these past few years, because I do weight quite a lot. You see, there was a rather nasty jolt just as I was sitting on it and…well…it died…quite tragically, really.

It did make a spectacular 'BLHAT' though…

And up next...

We'll hear from the man who rules The Universe.