(4-20-05) Woo, another early updatey thingy...
In answer to the "are they gonna have sex" question, I say "Not in this story, but they will get around to it. And I severely doubt you'll be seeing any lemon out of me." So, for those of you who said, "OH MY GOD NO AND IF YOU DO I'LL KILL YOU AND YOU WILL DIE AND YOU WILL BE DEAD AND DEATH AWAITS YOU ALL WITH NASTY BIG POINTY TEETH!" You can feel safe I won't be writing any sex.
We're on 413 reviews, kids! I'm soooo HAPPY! Thank you, I love you all (in that... "You love my stories so I appreciate your existence" sort of way).
Don't you just love the chapter title?
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Paintball and Other Events
Yusuke showed up at the Jaganshi house around ten in the morning the following day. Kuwabara was with him, and they found the door unlocked. Letting themselves in silently, they left their paintball gear on the porch and snuck silently into the living room. The television was on, so they dropped to their hands and knees and crawled silently around the back of the couch. (Lots of silence here.)
Putting one finger to his lips in the universal sign for silence, Yusuke started to stand up. He loomed over Kurama as the redhead sat there reading quietly, giving no signs of having any idea Yusuke or Kuwabara were there.
"Hey Kurama!" Yusuke said loudly, grabbing his friend's shoulders.
"Good morning, Yusuke," the fox replied pleasantly, not even startled in the least.
"Man! What the hell! I was dead silent from the second I came in this house!"
"I heard your car door outside."
Yusuke swore. "I'm gonna try to get Hiei and Shadow. Are they awake?"
"Probably not."
"Great!" With a grin, he and his friend snuck up the stairs silently. They went to Shadow's door together, and from there, Yusuke went on alone. He turned the knob, thanking the couple for leaving it unlocked, and opened the door silently, thanking Shadow for taking such good care of that house that the doors did not squeak and the stairs and floors did not creak. He snuck into the room and went to the pair on the bed.
They both look like little children! Cute. I need a picture. Later. Well, here goes.
He grabbed their shoulders, simultaneously shouting, "OOGA BOOGA ZORK!"
"HOLY HELL!"
Shadow's fist impacted Yusuke's face and sent him flying. Hiei, who had not been startled, cracked up.
"Owww..." Yusuke whined, sitting on the floor a few feet away gingerly touching his cheek. "Stop laughing, Hiei!"
"You're so stupid, Yusuke," the fire demon laughed.
"Did I scare you?"
"Hardly. I sensed you. You obviously frightened Shadow, though..."
"Shut up," Yusuke and Shadow said in unison. They then glared at each other in unison and looked away in unison.
"STOP IT!" they shouted in unison (they even looked the same direction).
"ARGH!" they cried simultaneously.
"SHUT UP!" Again, in unison. Now they both silenced and crossed their arms in unison. They snarled at each other in unison for this, and stopped in unison when they realized they were snarling in unison.
"I can fix this," Hiei told them. "Want me to?"
"YES! PLEASE!" they cried, only partly in unison, due to Shadow's sudden inability to say anything past Hiei's lips.
"Perfect," Yusuke muttered, glaring.
"But it worked, didn't it?" Kuwabara pointed out.
"True enough," the other teen sighed. "Hey lovebirds!"
Hiei pulled away from their tender kiss to look questioningly at Yusuke.
"Paintball time. C'mon, lazy."
"Paintball? I haven't even eaten breakfast, you moron!" Hiei snapped. Yusuke blinked and looked at him, puzzled. "What?"
"What are all those bandages for?" the boy asked.
"I was sparring yesterday."
"Ha! So now, if you beat me at paintball, I really must be a loser! Good thing you won't!"
"Yeah, sure I won't. I beat you before, didn't I?"
"A long, long time ago..."
"I'm gonna have breakfast," he announced, getting out of bed, "and then I guess I'll play your stupid paintball."
"Of course you will. We have to decide whether I'm better than you, remember?"
"I'm only humoring you, Yusuke."
"Uh-huh."
So, after breakfast, they geared up for paintball. Kurama declined the offer to join, and told them he would be ref. So it was every man for himself, unless you were a female.
The second Kurama let them loose, they divided themselves up. Yusuke and Hiei darted off together to murder each other with paint (they weren't wearing typical heavy paintball armor... they were too good for that. And also, Yusuke didn't own any). Shadow and Eclipse went off to murder Kuwabara with paint. Kuwabara ran from the two psychos like the pansy little girl he is.
"Don't hurt me!"
"That's the point of this, isn't it!" Shadow cackled insanely. "To hurt you!"
"To hurt each other!" Kuwabara corrected frantically, nearly tripping over a branch as he clumsily ran through the woods with two nimble psychos on his tail.
"Then try to hurt us, Kuwabara!" Eclipse taunted.
"I can't! You'll kill me!"
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SHOT YOU ONCE YET!" Shadow launched herself at Kuwabara and he screamed and ran even faster. The girl rolled as she landed and stopped on one knee, took aim, and shot him in the back. He screamed like a little girl and spun around, letting loose a half a gazillion paintballs at her. She screeched and lunged behind a tree.
"I'm not scared of you! I was just bluffing!" Kuwabara gloated.
Shadow scurried up the tree like an insect, out on a branch, over to the next tree, and dropped down behind Kuwabara, putting her gun against his back (God, she's so honorable, isn't she?).
"Scared now?"
Eclipse shot Kuwabara in several vital points and left him crippled on the ground as she and Shadow ran off to kill each other.
Meanwhile, off with Yusuke and Hiei, Yusuke currently had the upper hand. Hiei had his back pressed against a tree wider than him, on the other side of which was Yusuke, laughing maniacally.
"I told you I was better than you!" the boy was bragging. "Come on, though! You don't need to hide!"
Hiei tilted his head slightly as a familiar sound reached his ears. Smirking, he turned a bit and jumped up to the lowest branch on his sheild just as two psychos came flying into view, running parallel to each other and shooting as they did so, missing every time, shouting insults and swearwords. Yusuke, lucky him, happened to be between them when they ran by. He yelped and found himself under assault.
"Where's Hiei, loser?"
"Yeah, really, loser! What'd you do with him?"
"I--"
"Did you kill him, you stupid bastard?"
"Is he hanging by his ankles in a tree someplace?"
In unison, both girls looked up and around, then returned to Yusuke, aiming their guns at his head.
"Did you sacrifice him?"
"Kidnap him?"
"Rape him?"
"Sell him on eBay?"
"Where is he, damn you!"
On cue, Hiei began his own assault, only with paintballs, not words. Yusuke yelled as the paint hit his chest and legs and arms and anywhere but his face. Momentarily crippled, he fell to the ground and Hiei had a minute to speak to the girls.
"Where's the baka?"
"Crippled back there someplace," Shadow said generally, waving off to her right.
"You're aware you've wasted most of your ammo and if he decides to get up, you'll be unarmed."
Shadow shook her head. "Me? Unarmed? You should know better, my dear Hiei."
"Oh. Right. Never mind."
Snickering insanely, the two girls darted off to kill each other some more, just as Yusuke dragged himself to his feet. Hiei flitted off.
"Freakin' stupid..." the teen muttered, looking off in the direction Hiei had gone. "THIS ISN'T HIDE-AND-SEEK, YOU KNOW!"
"Well it's not 'let's just stand here and shoot each other like idiots,' either," Shadow pointed out, jumping out of a tree and darting past Yusuke. Eclipse came flying after her a second later.
"Yeah, loser! Get some exercise!"
The boy glared evilly after them, then started running after Hiei.
Back with Kuwabara...
Kuwabara is still lying on the ground in a crippled heap. Random small fluffy forest-dwelling creatures had come by, and he was less some hair and skin and blood, but he'd gained a pile of deer poop on his head. Lucky him! Shadow and Eclipse, skipping past, saw this and laughed mercilessly at him until he woke up.
"What...? What are you guys laughing at?"
"Nothing, Kuwabara. You're just sleeping a bit when you're supposed to be shooting us," Shadow managed to gag.
"Owies... Why does my head hurt?" He put his hand up to figure out the answer, and put it... in the deer poo. Letting out a shriek, he ran off to take a shower or something. Halfway there, he tripped into a ditch and was instantly covered in oversized tarantulas. How did they get there? I dunno.
"Tch. That's funny," Eclipse said. "He's got poo in his hair and he's being eaten by tarantulas. Oh well." She cracked Shadow in the head with her gun.
"Ow! You bastard!" She returned the attack and they ended up cracking each other in the head repeatedly, then strangling each other and totally discarding their guns to wrestle around clawing and punching and biting and hitting each others' heads off rocks and trees and throwing each other down cliffs and...
Let's see how Kurama's doing.
Kurama, having watched the group vanish into the forest, then went into the house. Responsible ref, isn't he? But wait, it gets better. He made lemonade, went into the living room, and sat there watching television while sipping lemonade (the day after New Year's is not an ideal time to sit by the pool and sip lemonade, so he improvised a bit).
Kurama is a good ref.
Meanwhile, Kuwabara, now completely buried in tarantulas, was screaming for help. He knew those girls were there! How could they be so cruel as to ignore him like this?
However... these two girls were indeed not there, and were in fact quite far away, drowning each other in the calm and precious pool beside which Hiei had first admitted love for Shadow. Ironic.
"DIE!" Eclipse was currently screaming, hodlign (holding) Shadow's head under the water.
If Shadow tried to say anything, it merely came out as a mass of bubbles. Her need to retort to everything would be her downfall if ever she really was being drowned. Wait. She was really being drowned. Right now.
They were both in the water, Shadow under it, Eclipse up to her chest, and the former was quickly running out of oxygen. She started waving her arms frantically, wondering how serious Eclipse really was, and suddenly went limp to test her. Eclipse let out a shriek and dragged her out of the water and onto the soft grass in the oh-so-lovely clearing.
"OH MY GOD! I MURDERED HER WHERE SHE FIRST FELT LOVE! Isn't that ironic... SHE'S DEAD!"
Shadow waited until the girl was good and fake-emotional, screaming and crying, before she spit a fountain of water out at her face and jumped up, punting her friend into the pond and darting off.
At that precise moment, Hiei happened to flit into the clearing and pause for a moment to glance around.
Without warning at all, Eclipse launched out of the water and tackled Hiei. He let out a yell and clubbed her in the head with his gun. She fell off him and lay there with her eyes crossed.
"Oops. That's not Yusuke." He got up and flitted away.
Moments later, he came across a ditch full of arachnids. At first he thought they were screaming arachnids, which would have caught his interest. But then he realized there was only one voice, and it was very loud, frightened, and familiar.
"Baka," he muttered.
"HELP ME! SHADOW? ECLIPSE? HELP! I KNOW YOU'RE THERE! I'M TERRIFIED OF SPIDERS! SAVE ME AND I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT FOR A MONTH!"
At this, Hiei's interest was regained. He used fire to chase away all the spiders and he crouched by the ditch where Kuwabara was laying face-down. Pulling his sunglasses--the only sheildling on his face--down on his nose, he looked at the boy.
"Does that offer still hold if for me?" he asked, smirking. Kuwabara rolled over and screamed.
"HIEI!"
"Yeah. It's me. What of it?"
Kuwabara's mouth moved, but all he seemed capable of saying was, "H-H-Hiei!"
The fire demon sighed heavily and straightened, pushing his glasses back up on his nose. "If that's all, I'll be going. These tarantulas probably want to get their ditch back." He kicked one of the said critters onto Kuwabara. The boy let out a girly shriek and lunged out of the ditch, tackling Hiei from behind.
"NOOOO!"
"JESUS CHRIST! GET OFF ME!" Hiei wrestled out of the larger boy's grip and cracked him in the head with his gun too.
"OWIE!" But he let go and crawled away. Hiei lay there gasping for a bit until a flittery black shape nearby caught his attention and he sat up, just as a war cry erupted from the trees and sent all the tarantulas scurrying for their mommies.
"AIYI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YIIIIII!"
Shadow landed above him on her hands and knees, straddling him. He lay on his back staring up at her.
"Having fun?" he asked.
"Eclipse tried to kill me."
"Oh. She tried to kill me, too, and I clubbed her in the head. She's probably lying bleeding next to that pond."
"Muwahahaha... I wanna go look at her dying corpse."
"You're... psychotic."
"Yeah. So?"
Hiei shrugged. "Just felt like pointing it out."
"Oh." She smiled. "Are you having fun? How are you faring with Yusuke?"
"He thinks I'm a pansy because I ran."
Shadow chuckled. "We all know he's the real pansy, 'cause he doesn't want to chase you."
Hiei's eyes darted to his right for a split second, and Shadow looked the same way, but neither turned their heads. At the exact right moment, the girl lunged backwards from Hiei and he darted up into the nearest tree, both successfully dodging Yusuke's paintballs.
"You guys are bastards! This is paintball, not love and make-out time!"
"By definition, we actually are bastards," Shadow told him. "And I don't have a gun anymore, so I can't play paintball."
"What's that, then?" Yusuke asked accusingly, pointing to her gun on the ground nearby.
"My gun. It's out of ammo." She picked it up and looked at it. "Oh, wait, no it's not!" She shot Yusuke and Hiei and ran away laughing maniacally, waving the gun above her head. Hiei took advantage of the two seconds Yusuke was distracted, and again began a paintball assault.
Six hours later, five bruised and exhausted teens came limping in the door. Their guns and the light paintball armor they had worn had been discarded on the porch. Only two of them were really limping--the other three were being dragged.
"I told you," Hiei panted, "that I was better than you at everything, Yusuke."
"Shut up."
Hiei and Yusuke were the only ones who had abided by any sort of paintball rules at all, so they were not sporting half as many injuries as the other three. Shadow and Eclipse were by far the worst, as they had taken the opportunity to maul on each other and Kuwabara as much as they could. They'd taken turns. When either Shadow or Eclipse was unconscious someplace, the other of the two would seek out Kuwabara and pummel him until their real opponent returned and they could continue hurting each other.
Hiei was currently carrying Shadow in his arms and had Eclipse on his back. Yusuke was dragging Kuwabara along by his ankle. Because of this, when the door shut behind him, it shut on Kuwabara's head. He didn't notice.
It wasn't that Shadow wasn't conscious, of course. It was just that she had barely stopped moving for the past six and a half hours. The time she had not been moving totalled to about one hour out of six and a half (and that was the time she had been unconscious from head trauma). The same went for Eclipse. Kuwabara had been motionless most of the time, because he had been either unconscious or cowering or recovering. He was unconscious right now.
"Well," Hiei muttered, dragging himself over to the couch, "I've got to go to work in what... four hours?" He dropped Eclipse on top of Kurama, startling the sleeping boy into wakefulness.
"What the--! Oh, God... Eclipse, you look like shit."
"Thanks," the girl replied. "You were too busy sleeping to come get me, and poor crippled Hiei had to carry around twice his own body weight, you bastard."
"Well sor-ry! I would've come if you'd come and got me."
"You were the ref!" Hiei retorted. "Aren't you supposed to keep track of the players and call fouls and stuff?"
"You know you all would have killed me if I'd have called a foul on you." He glanced at Hiei. "Oh. You look pretty bad too, Hiei. You feeling up to working tonight?"
"Well let's see, Kurama. Yusuke found the worst injury you gave me yesterday, and aimed for that every time he shot me. I wouldn't be surprised if my entire left side is purple."
"So you lost?"
"Oh no. I won."
"You won!"
Hiei nodded, wincing a bit as he set Shadow in her chair and removed his shirt. "Ah, shit. Yusuke, you bastard..."
His entire left side, or at least what was visible beyond the bandages from the spar, was indeed a giant bruise.
"Yikes," Kurama muttered.
"Serves you right, you asshole!" Yusuke snapped, sitting down next to Kurama on the couch.
"I still beat you, though."
"If I could move, I'd come over there and clobber you for what you did to my precious Hiei," Shadow threatened, glaring at Yusuke. Then she relaxed in her chair, eyes returning to Hiei, "But I can't, so you're safe for the moment."
"Like you could hurt me anyways."
"You can't move?" Kurama asked worriedly.
"Nope."
"Neither can I," Eclipse said from his arms. "Thanks for asking."
"I'm sorry. Why can't you move? And where's Kuwabara?"
Yusuke's eyes widened and he hurried back to the door. "Oops."
"What is oops?" Kurama asked.
"He'll be okay with a bit of Yukina's tender loving care," he assured them, dragging the boy's head out of the doorway. He looked at him and added, "And maybe a bit of reconstructive surgery..."
"Yukina's not going to do anything to him. C'mon, Shadow," Hiei said, picking up the girl and walking towards the basement stairs. "Kurama!"
"Yes sir," the fox sighed, lifting Eclipse and following hurriedly after his friend. With a sigh, Yusuke gathered up Kuwabara and trailed after them.
"I thought nothing could hurt you, Shadow?" he taunted in the infirmary as he watched Hiei tending her wounds with uncharacteristic tenderness.
"YOU try getting strangled, kicked, drowned, hit in the head with a gun, rocks, branches, thrown down a rocky hill, against a jagged cave wall, out of the tallest tree in the forest, drowned again, bitten, scratched, spit on, fed to a nest of wolverines, used as bait to catch a shark, th--"
"Wait, wait, wait," Kurama stopped her. She looked at him curiously.
"Yes?"
"You're getting unrealistic. Wolverines don't live around here. Neither do sharks."
"What do you know? The forest around my house is just as fucked up as the house itself is! If I wanted, there could be a dragon in there."
"'If you wanted'? You're a creep, you know that?" Yusuke said. She glared.
"At least one person here likes me," she muttered, obviously meaning Hiei.
"I like you!" Eclipse said, trying to throw her hand in the air as if volunteering an answer in school. Instead she ended up twitching her arm and every joint in it cracked. "Eeeeck."
"This is the most pain I've ever seen you two in," Kurama said. "Ever."
"It's probably the most pain you'll ever see us in," Shadow replied. "I've never even got this hurt in a fight in Makai... Isn't that amusing? My best friend beats the shit out of me worse than some creepy demon who wants to either rape me or eat my liver, or drink my virgin blood."
"Then again, we were both on offense... We didn't do a whole lot of defense..." Eclipse was musing to herself.
"I don't think we did any defense, unless you include trying to turn to land so we didn't break our necks..."
"You two..." Hiei muttered. "I can't believe you. This is unreal."
"Yeah, well..." Shadow said. "If the question ever arises, at least now you know I'm not afraid to get hurt, under the right circumstances."
"I already knew that. Just not to this extent," Hiei muttered, wrapping bandages around her head.
Some time later, all of them had their wounds tended to and were lying on beds in the infirmary. Kurama was sitting on a counter along the wall, leaning on a glass-doored cabinet full of medicines.
"If I ever hear you guys plotting to play paintball again, I'll chain you all up and wipe your memories. I can't believe you did that..."
"I'm hungry," Shadow muttered. "Could somebody make me food?"
With a sigh, Kurama got up. "Don't kill each other while I'm gone." He left and Hiei instantly got off his bed, going to Shadow's. She dragged herself into a sitting position, leaning on the wall.
"Lay down right this instant," Hiei commanded. "You can't move. You're not allowed."
"What're you gonna do? Chain me up?"
"Ooooh, kinky," Yusuke and Eclipse said in unison.
"You wish," Hiei retorted, mocking a glare at Shadow.
"Maybe I do," she said. Hiei's eyes widened a bit.
"Bondage games!" Eclipse cheered. "Two crippled people going at it like bunnies!"
Hiei frowned. "You're disgusting, Eclipse. It's certainly not going to help me heal to be trapped in a room with you." He gave Shadow a quick kiss on the cheek and was out the door. Yusuke followed, harassing him about, "What? No sex? Come on, I wanna watch!"
Hiei paused on the stairs, then shuddered violently and continued.
"DON'T LEAVE ME!" Shadow wailed a few minutes after he'd vanished and silence had settled over them. After a few seconds with no response, she let out a piteous wail like a wounded animal and dragged it out for five seconds, pausing for two, then doing it again.
Up in the kitchen, Yusuke glared at Hiei.
"Go do something about your bitch, Hiei," he demanded. Hiei glared. "I meant, like, she's your pet! And she sounds like a dog! And she's a she! She-dog... Pet... Bitch... Y'know?"
"Yusuke," Kurama warned.
"What?"
Hiei rolled his eyes and headed for the basement again. The second he came into sight, Shadow yipped happily and looked at him expectantly, like... well, like a dog.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"You left me!"
"I'm not allowed to leave?"
"No! She owns you, remember?" Eclipse answered. "She's got you whipped, Hiei!"
"Shut up!" both the fire demons snapped.
"Of course you're allowed to leave," Shadow said. "But not until we kiss."
"Oh. I have no objections to that."
"I do! Oh, oh, I do, I do!" Eclipse said excitedly.
"Look to your left. We're over here, Kuwabara's over there. If you can't decide which you'd rather look at, close your eyes," Hiei said, one hand on Shadow's cheek.
Eclipse's eyes darted from left to right, and eventually settled on the right. "Kuwabara's even uglier than normal right now," she explained to their questioning looks.
"Ah."
Hiei leaned forward and captured Shadow's lips. Eclipse turned her head to get a better view.
"Tongue!" she cried victoriously, pointing. "I see a tongue! SMOOOOCH!"
Shadow faltered a bit, nearly laughing, but restrained it and continued her exploration of Hiei's mouth, despite Eclipse lying about three feet away singing "smooch" and "tongue" in random order over and over.
"Smooch smooch, tongue tongue, tongue smooch, tongue tongue tongue tongue, smooch smooch smooch smooch smooch, tongue smooch tongue!" she sang.
"Mm... I love you," Shadow murmured, relaxing back against the wall. Hiei kissed her again, tenderly on the lips.
"Love you too."
"Oh my God!" Eclipse shouted excitedly. "That's the first time I've heard you say that! It's... like, amazing!"
"Really? It's 'like-amazing'? What is 'like-amazing,' as you say?" Shadow said.
"Shut up!"
"Can I go upstairs now?" Hiei asked. "I have to punch Yusuke. He called you a bitch."
"What? That asshole!" Shadow jumped up and darted out of the room.
"Holy shit!" Hiei cried. When he got upstairs, Shadow had already punched Yusuke and was now shaking him around by his neck. Kurama was staring, dinner forgotten and burning in a pan on the stove.
"Dinner's burning," Shadow said once Yusuke was good and senseless. She clubbed the boy in the head again and dropped him to the floor. Kurama jumped and swore as he turned off the stove before the chicken he was cooking turned into a black charcoal chunk.
"How the hell do you do that?" Hiei asked.
"What?"
"There is not a single part of your body that does not have a bruise or a cut or some sort of affliction, and you just beat the shit out of Yusuke!"
"Oh. Um... It must be the power you imparted to me during our passionate kiss," she guessed randomly.
"Oh yeah. You guys went all day without kissing!" Kurama said, amazed. "Didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Wow. I should not only get you reservations at that restaurant, but I should pay for your entire meal. Unfortunately, I don't have that much money."
"That's okay. We've got it covered. Just get us in," Hiei said. "Now finish dinner. I'm starving."
"You are not. You ate a huge breakfast this morning."
"So? I haven't eaten anything since."
"Whatever. Go occupy yourself until I tell you you can come eat. And get Yusuke out of my way."
"Okay!" Shadow agreed excitedly. She swung her leg and kicked Yusuke in the ribs, sending him rolling down the hall.
"That had to hurt," Hiei groaned. He thought distinctly that he'd heard a crack.
"Most likely," Shadow agreed happily.
Yusuke woke up several hours later, three bruises wealthier with a throbbing headache. He dragged himself up and staggered into the living room. His memory was a bit fuzzy, but he quickly remembered when he saw Shadow.
"You hit me!" he accused. She nodded, her eyes not leaving the television.
"Uh-huh."
"How? You're, like... Half dead!"
Again, she nodded, eyes still glued to the television.
"Uh-huh."
"Are you listening to me?"
Nod. "Yeah. Of course."
Yusuke frowned a bit, looking at the TV, then back at Shadow. "You're ugly."
"Mm-hm."
"Hiei's ugly."
"Uh-huh."
"Eclipse died."
"Sure."
Another thoughtful pause from the teen, then, "Hiei's gay."
"Huh-uh." Shadow blinked and finally looked at him. "Oh! Hi Yusuke!"
"How come you agreed to everything else without realizing it but you denied that one?"
"Did what?"
"I called both you and Hiei ugly, told you Eclipse died, and you agreed, then I say Hiei's gay and you say 'huh-uh'."
"I did? You were talking to me?"
"Yes, Shadow."
"Well I was watching TV. I didn't hear a word of it."
"I could have been some psycho rapist and you would have been too busy watching television to notice."
"Yeah, probably."
"I could have kidnapped you and you wouldn't have noticed until you couldn't see the television anymore."
"Yes. Why didn't you?"
"Are you nuts? I'm not that stupid, Shadow."
"Stupid? Why would it be stupid to kidnap me?"
"I can see it now: You, bound to a chair in a one-room cabin in a remote mountain range someplace. Five minutes after you were threatened with a gun, you start singing and dancing and being stupid, and ultimately irritate your captor until he pays you to go away and never associate with him again."
"Only an idiot would kidnap Shadow," Hiei said from behind him. "I don't have to worry about her. That's part of the reason I like her."
Shadow literally glowed, grinning from ear to ear. "I'm special."
"You're special alright," Yusuke scoffed, then added quietly as he left, "Special in the head... Nutjob."
He'd totally forgotten he'd come to yell at her for hitting him.
"I'm going to work now, koishii," Hiei said.
"Don't kill Kyouken if he's an asshole," she advised sweetly.
"I'll try not to," he replied. "Ja mata."
She jumped up and kissed him on the cheek. "Oh! My show's back on. Bye!"
Hiei chuckled and left.
Work was hell for Hiei. No more than ten minutes after he'd arrived, he was sent out with his partner in the backup team for a robbery/murder with hostages. And of course, since he wasn't going to tell Kyouken that he felt like shit, he had to act like normal, and thus Kyouken ordered him to try to sneak into the bank.
"How?" Hiei asked bitterly.
"Heating vents! Go in from the roof! The S.W.A.T. team has had no luck. They're also hostages, so we're relying on you, Jaganshi." He could have left it at that, perhaps make it sound like he actually cared, but no. He continued, "Don't fuck this up, you son of a bitch, or you'll regret the day you were born."
Hiei snapped his cell phone shut and sat there with his eyes closed for a moment, repressing anger. Don't kill him, don't kill him, don't blow up the gas line, don't catch the car on fire, don't punch the first human you see... Calm, calm, calm...
There was a tap on the car window, and he twitched. Damn it. Looking up, he saw his partner Hanshin, grinning and motioning for him to roll down the window. He did.
"What do you want, Saiko?"
"What'd Kyouken say?"
"I'm a one man SWAT team and he'll kill me if I fail."
Hanshin let out a loud "Ha!". "Good freakin' luck, Hiei."
"Thanks, you stupid bastard," Hiei retorted, opening the car door and hitting the young man with it on purpose.
"Ow!"
"Hey!" another officer snapped angrily. "Can't you two ever be proper? Five of our officers are hostage in there, and we have a dead man and six civilians to think about too!"
"What's there to think about with the dead guy? He's dead," Hanshin pointed out.
The officer who had reprimanded them glared. "I don't know how you've stayed on the force for so long, Hanshin. And you, Jaganshi..."
Hiei looked up. "What!"
"You are rude and inconsiderate as well. If it's possible, you are moreso than Hanshin!"
"Hey, I'm saving your all's asses here, so why don't you just shut the fuck up and let me think? Kyouken is trying to kill me again, so I have to foil him again, right?"
"And you're paranoid, too! Kyouken doesn't want any of his officers dead!"
"He wants me dead because I'm better than him," Hiei answered simply. "I'm not paranoid. Everyone's out to get me. I swear. Now shut up. I'm scouting."
The officer (whose name was Akinari Tokaji, but that's not important) moved his mouth stupidly for a second. He was fairly new to the force and practically worshipped Kyouken, so he was really appalled by Hiei and "Saiko Hanshin". He hadn't been around Hiei while he was working many times, so he didn't really know how he acted when he wasn't in the office. He just knew that in the office, Hiei mocked Kyouken, made fun of him every chance he got, and constantly threatened to kill him if it weren't against the law. Since he didn't see how Kyouken treated Hiei outside of the main office, he thought it was just Hiei making trouble. "Saiko Hanshin" was the same way. He didn't even go by his real name! What a loser!
"Shh!" Hanshin snapped at Tokaji. "Let the master think!"
"I wasn't saying anything!"
"Shut up!" Hiei growled. Tokaji cringed and decided that maybe he should shut up and watch. After all, everyone else seemed to hold Hiei in high regards. Maybe they had some basis for their respect.
"I'll be back," the fire demon muttered.
"Where are you going?" Tokaji asked.
"To look around, moron!" Hanshin answered for him, stressing his words. "He's a one-man SWAT team! He's our last hope! You think he's just gonna go darting in the front door with no idea what he's doing?"
"Oh. Yeah."
"Idiot," Hiei muttered, pushing him unnecessarily as he passed him.
"Hey!"
"Shut up! He's the master, man! He can push you if he wants!" Hanshin said. He was never serious. He joked about everything, hated Kyouken, and was always in a good mood. He chewed on toothpicks and had shortish messy white-blonde hair. In addition to all this, he had respectable skills as a fighter. Hiei was glad there was at least one decent thing about his job. A kindred spirit, so to speak.
The little demon darted around the building, observing little details--ledges, windows, nooks and crannies, fences, garbage cans, a cat with a litter of kittens. Flea-infested balls of fur, he thought, looking at the cute little critters for a second with a certain fondness in his eyes.
When he returned to Hanshin's side, he removed his police jacket and handed it to his partner, opening the back door of the car and grabbing something a startled Hanshin quickly identified as a sword.
"A sword!" Tokaji cried. "What the heck are you going to do with a sword?"
"Slit your throat, if you don't shut up," Hiei threatened, holding the blade point to the boy's neck. "I'm a lot better with a sword than I am with a gun. I won't have to use it, though." He grabbed a bundle of cloth from the back seat as well. "Good bye. I'll be back, don't worry."
The second he was around the corner, he leapt to the roof, slipped on his cloak to hide his sword, and entered the stairwell. He was prepared for the man standing there, and punched him hard enough to knock him out cold.
Darting silently down the stairs, he sought out the criminals, the hostages, the SWAT team, and, of course, the dead man. He found them rather more easy than he'd planned.
"Don't move."
"Ah, shit," Hiei muttered, freezing as the gun pressed to his neck from behind.
"Drop your gun."
Hiei held his hands up. "I don't have one."
"What kind of stupid cop are you? Don't you always carry your gun in these situations?"
"Not me."
"How many more are there?"
"None."
"Bull."
"I'm serious. I'm alone."
"Stupid bastard. Your loss. Go."
Hiei walked at gun point, smirking in his mind but keeping his face neutral. They stopped on the third floor and entered a large room.
"Hey boss, I found another one wandering around."
"Kill him," was the instant reply. "I'm tired of these pests."
Hiei heard the click.
"Bye bye."
He spun and punched the man in the face, instantly breaking his nose. "Blah! Loser! Who's next?"
"You son of a bitch!"
Several gunshots sounded, but Hiei was already on the other side of the room. Four of them, one of him. Not fair. For them, that is.
Foot into skull.
Fist into stomach, then temple.
Dodge bullets.
Foot into neck.
Unusually loud crack.
"Shit."
Killed one.
One left. One severly frightened one with a shaky hand and wet pants.
"I'll shoot you if you come any closer!"
"Go on and try, you moron," Hiei taunted. The shaky-handed man stared as the small cop made a slow advance.
"Come closer and I'll shoot this guy!" He pointed his gun at the nearest person. Hiei hesitated and glanced at the man, then shrugged.
"Okay."
He kept going. The man squeezed his eyes shut and shot. Hiei lunged forward and pushed the guy's head backwards, slamming it into the wall, knocking him out cold.
"You shot a dead guy, you idiot," he said to the unconscious man. "While that's quite disgraceful, it's your problem, not his."
Cheers erupted in the room.
Ugh... Baka humans... He went about untying them all, and once he was through with that, he pulled out his cell phone and called Kyouken.
"Hey, asshole," he said. "I'm still alive, and all the pathetic bastards are littering the floor around me. You lose again." He hung up and called Hanshin's cell phone.
"Yeah?" was the answer.
"You guys can come in. They're all out cold. Or dead, in one guy's case..."
"You killed one? You know you'll never hear the end of it."
"I already called Kyouken and told him I won again."
"That's funny. Well, you'll be praised by everyone else. We're coming in."
They hung up.
"Thank you so much, sir!" one woman said.
"It's my job," Hiei said. "Are you all okay?" Like I actually care... Stupid humans. I hate them all.
"Except for him..." They looked sadly at the twice-shot dead guy, "Yeah, we're alright."
"That's good." He headed for the door.
"Where are you going!"
"I didn't tell them where to come. I'm just gonna be at the stairs at the end of the hall."
"Oh... But what if they wake up?"
"They won't."
"But what if they do?"
THEY WON'T, PANSY WOMAN! SHUT UP! "Tie them up if you're that insecure about it."
"But..."
"FINE!" Hiei tied up the four unconscious men (no point in typing up the dead guy, was there?) and dragged them down the hall so he could gaurd them without being near the annoying woman. However, she followed him.
It didn't matter how fast Hanshin and the others arrived, it wasn't fast enough for Hiei. The second Hanshin arrived, Hiei slipped past him and was down the stairs and out the door. He put his sword and cloak back in the car and got in the passenger's seat to wait.
Of course, he wasn't feeling so great. He hadn't been in the least bit injured, but the injuries he'd had and the stress of repressed anger was making him feel slightly ill. And it wasn't even midnight. He groaned.
Half an hour later, back at the office, everyone was praising him. Well, almost everyone. Tokaji was obviously displeased he'd murdered one of the criminals, and Kyouken, glaring through the blinds on his office window, was furious Hiei had survived.
If he hated Hiei so much, why had Kyouken gotten him out of jail like he had, you may be wondering. Well, there's this saying about first impressions. I don't know quite what the saying is, but I'm sure it's very profound and informative. For my purposes, I'm going to simply say that Kyouken was impressed with Hiei at the start and was under the impression that martial arts masters had some kind of courtesy code. Hiei, of course, has a code, but it's an honor code, not a courtesy code, and therefore he's allowed to be an asshole to asshole ningen bosses and nobody can say shit about it. Kyouken quickly realized this, but he'd had Hiei sign a contract... That was, in part, because he'd wanted to take advantage of the courtesy code he thought Hiei had.
Kyouken, you see, is a self-important, cocky son of a bitch with a God complex, who thinks that taking advantage of people is perfectly damn fine. That is, after all, how he got to be police captain. So, when he comes across somebody who he thinks would be unable to protest against his asshole-ness and who also seems useful (you see, Kyouken wanted to have the best police force in Japan and take all the glory for it), somebody such as Hiei, he has that person sign a contract so that he has at least a full year to be an asshole to them and they can't quit or complain.
Well, Hiei could complain, and he sure as hell did. However, with the contract, he had no way to get away from Kyouken.
Kyouken hated that he had been wrong about Hiei, hated that he hadn't investigated Hiei's martial arts further, and hated that Hiei was better than him, that he rubbed it in, and that he'd signed a contract so Kyouken couldn't fire him. (It was a very special, specific contract that Kyouken made up for purely for his victims).
Did this answer your question? Do you even remember what your question was, at this point?
"Jaganshi, come here a moment, would you?" Kyouken called from the doorway to his office. Hiei sighed.
"Time to get my head bitten off," he muttered. Hanshin gave him a companionable slap on the back, causing him to flinch from the injuries.
"Good luck," he said, not noticing Hiei's pain.
"Yeah. Right."
The little demon went to Kyouken and had to concentrate to keep from reacting when the man put his arm companionably about his shoulders, again hitting the same wound Hanshin had just aggrivated a moment before.
The door shut sharply behind him and instantly Kyouken took his arm away.
"I'm getting pretty sick of you, Jaganshi."
"I'm already sick of you, you asshole," Hiei replied as Kyouken took his place behind his desk.
"Perhaps if you'd straighten up, I wouldn't be such an asshole!"
"Bullshit! We've gone over this: You were an asshole to me first so I'm an asshole back. You had me sign that contract because you expected I'd be useful. I have been. More than you'd expected. So instead of being like everyone else, and praising my superiority, you hate me. There. Can I leave now?"
"You'd better watch what you say, Jaganshi. I have resources, and pretty soon you may see your life falling apart right before your eyes," the man threatened.
"Oh? So you're gonna fuck up my life? And what, I'm supposed to come crawling back to you pleading forgiveness? How would you benefit from fucking up my life?"
"Believe me, Jaganshi. I would benefit."
"Uh-huh."
"Maybe I'll start with that little bitch that used to come here with you all the time. I know some people who would like to get their hands on her."
"I'd like to see you try."
"What, are you gonna kill me?"
"I wouldn't lay a finger on you. 'That little bitch' is my student. She can fend for herself."
Kyouken glared venomously. "Get the hell out of my office, Jaganshi."
Hiei shrugged. "You're the one who called me in here," he reminded as he opened the door. The office had settled down once Hiei had gone out of sight, but when he returned to his desk next to Hanshin's, the young officer pushed off and his wheeled chair slid across the floor and bumped into Hiei's.
"Psst," he said. Hiei looked at him curiously. "Sake?" He held up two small cups and a bottle. Hiei snorted.
"You know Kyouken'll have a fit if he catches us."
"So what? We've done it before!"
Hiei grinned. "And we'll do it again."
They were like teenagers, sneaking drugs and alcohol and porn past their... um... mother.
Okay, bad comparison. But Hiei and "Saiko" Hanshin did sneak sake pretty often (never much. They actually only did it for the joy of disobeying Kyouken in any way they could. And, of course, because they liked sake), and they used the Paint program on their computers to have contests of who could draw the best Kyouken death scene. Hiei usually won, but Hanshin was surprisingly creative as well.
Hanshin's birth name was Yajirobei Satoya. However, he didn't seem to think that was quite his cup of tea, so he changed it. Saiko Hanshin was the final choice. He'd studied English and decided he liked the word "psycho". He thought it described him. Thus, "Saiko," the Japanified version of it, became his name, and he'd gone by that name since he was nineteen. However, he hadn't changed it officially, so employers and the like usually referred to him as Satoya. Unless they were cool. Kyouken wasn't cool.
Hiei handed his cup back to Hanshin and pushed him away as Kyouken neared his office door. When he entered the main office, headed towards the prison, he saw nothing objectionable. Jaganshi was typing at his computer, Satoya was typing at his computer, everyone else was typing or doing something to at least look like they were working. He entered the prison area and Hiei instantly pulled up Paint on his screen and started a bloody doodle of Kyouken's demise.
Hours upon hours later, six o'clock finally rolled around and Hiei, half asleep and with a slightly higher blood alcohol level than was probably safe, dragged himself up and accepted Hanshin's offer of a ride home.
The second he was out of the car, the front door of the house burst open and Shadow came flying out, slid in a few inches of snow that had accumulated overnight, and slammed him back against the car, hugging him.
"Yusuke wants to kill me!" she wailed.
"Huh?" Hiei replied intelligently.
"Yusuke! Wants! To! Kill! Me! Death! You know, you're intelligent in that field! It's when something once alive stops breathing and the heart stops beating and... and... the body relaxes and the person urinates and... and... some stuff like that!"
Hiei stared. "Um... You're hurting me, Shadow."
"I'm...? Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" She let go of him and let him get away from the car. Bending down, she waved to Hanshin. "Bye bye!"
"Okay... So why does Yusuke want to kill you?" Hiei asked once Hanshin had left.
"Because I poured hot ramen over his head..."
Hiei sighed. "What am I supposed to do?"
"Protect me! I can't sleep! He'll unleash his wrath!"
He took her hand. "C'mon. It's cold and snowy out here. Inside. Now."
Shadow allowed herself to be led up to her bedroom ("scorched-face Yusuke," as she now called him, was nowhere in sight, luckily). Hiei didn't say another word as he held her close and fell asleep.
Meanwhile, scorched-face Yusuke had gotten over his initial rage and fury and allowed Kurama to get after his scorched face with some burn soothing goo. They were currently in the infirmary. Kuwabara was still unconscious. Eclipse hadn't moved because she wanted to have Kurama serving her since she was lazy as hell. Yusuke had no idea Hiei had come home. Nobody had slept during the night, like normal people do (except Kuwabara, who was unconscious, and Eclipse, who'd been ignorant of the activites upstairs).
The rest of the vacation was spent recovering, sleeping, eating, and, for Hiei at least, plotting ways to cause problems for Kyouken.
Yay.
I'm listening to a bird calls CD... Lol. It's for something for school. There's 82 different birds calls from native birds. So far I know the crow... and the loon... and a few others, but I can't remember what they are cuz I don't remember all the birds on the CD. Lol... I went from listening to video game midis to this.
Y'know (back to talking about my story), after this chapter I decided to start a new document because this one was taking too long to open. :D So I have chapters 17 thru whatever I'm on now in a separate document... Boy, this bird is annoying... Boy, and this one is so ear-piercing I think I've gone deaf... Some kind of hawk... I think my ears are bleeding... God, hawks are annoying...
Anyways, hope you liked that chapter... Kyouken will meet his doom, somehow. If anyone has suggestions on what to do with Yamashita, Kyouken, or Hiroshi Nakada, you can suggest them, but I'm sure even without your help I'll thinki of some nice sinister things. I've got Arisa under control, don't worry about her... I thinkI know what I'm gonna do with Yamashita... Doom will befall them all... Because I hate them, and I'm writing the story! So DEATH TO THEM!
-SJ