(6-19-05) Come on... I didn't want to update until I had 700. Couldn't two more people have reviewed? 698. Two more. But! I'm going down to my dad's house so I have to update before I go or I'll have people snarling at my throat.
Now... I have a few reviews to reply to... Don't be offended if I don't say anything to you.
Tenshi no Koori- It makes me wonder how you got this far in my story... And yes, I know about God and all that stuff... Why would you think I didn't? Just cuz my stories have swearwords out their asses? Oops.
darkXdemon15- Yes, it was "Banana Phone" that she was singing. You were the only one to mention that.
SEKAH- That kamikaze watermelon thing was a big (if not amusing) waste of half an hour of my life. You could have warned me it was that long... Jeesh.
akuavari- ... You stretched my screen. And yes, I did bother to puzzle out that whole long jumble of letters.
Bethie Kimamoto- I don't reply to all of my reviewers anymore because... for one, doing that gives an inaccurate account of how many words in the story... for two... CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE ME TO THINK UP RESPONSES FOR AS MUCH AS THIRTY-FIVE REVIEWS ON A CHAPTER? That would be an extra hour, easily, if not more, that I could be writing or reading or doing something far more constructive...
Thank you for your reviews!
This chapter is one of my personal favorites... You'll probably see why.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
The Law is Full of Shit
"Tamura-sensei...?"
The woman sitting at Sakura's bedside looked around at the door.
"Oh! Shuuichi!"
"Shuuichi!" Sakura echoed. "You came to visit me?"
"Of course," Kurama said, stepping into the room and handing her a single red rose. Tamura-sensei smiled warmly at the youths.
"Could I speak to you outside for a moment?" Kurama asked quietly.
"Of course!" The lady got up and he followed her out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Shadow was leaning on the wall outside the door, looking dejected. Tamura paid her no mind.
"Shuuichi, I'm really sorry, but there's no way we can put on the play now. I know you probably tried to think up a brilliant solution, but--"
"I did think up a brilliant solution," Kurama said. "And it will work."
"But..."
The fox grabbed Shadow and held her in front of him. "Shadow Jaganshi."
"Wait, isn't she..."
"It doesn't matter. She has the whole play memorized. She's an excellent actress. We can put on the play with her."
"Well... I'll need to see her... hear the--"
"Yeahyeahyeah, we can do all that later. I just wanted to tell you about her before you told the entire world that we wouldn't be putting on the play."
"I miss the sandwich," Shadow muttered miserably. Tamura looked at her skeptically.
"Is she..."
"Never mind," Kurama said. "She'll be excellent."
"Where'd Hiei go?" Shadow asked, leaning her head back on Kurama's chest to look up at him.
"With Eclipse."
"Where'd she go?"
"I don't know."
"They could be making out someplace."
"If your boyfriend is that disloyal, I'd ditch him if I were you," Kurama muttered.
"If your girlfriend is that disloyal, I'll kill her if she's raping my boyfriend," Shadow threatened.
"She's not my girlfriend, for one, and for two, you're making a fool out of yourself."
"I am a fool!" she declared proudly.
"I know, Shadow... I know..." Kurama consoled, putting a hand on her shoulder.
"What are you doing?"
Hiei came striding up the hall, leading Eclipse by a rope that was looped around her neck.
"Hiei!" Shadow cried. She lunged away from Kurama and threw herself into his arms, fakely crying all over him.
"Why were you leaning on the fox like that, huh?"
"He made me! He was gonna rape me!"
"And why is Eclipse on a leash like a dog, Hiei?" Kurama asked accusingly.
"She had to go to the bathroom."
There was a short pause, in which Kurama stared at Hiei like he was insane, and Tamura-sensei stared at all of them like they were aliens.
"Huh?" the fox finally said intelligently.
"She kidnapped me and made me be her bodygaurd against the... monsters," Hiei said. "When I told her I couldn't go in the bathroom with her, she settled for me trying a rope around her neck so that if she was kidnapped, I would know." He handed his end of the rope over to Kurama. "I bet you could think of all kinds of creative things to do now that she's tied up."
"...AND HE WANTED TO RAPE ME!" Shadow screamed, grabbing Hiei's shoulders and shaking him. She'd been muttering the whole time since Hiei had gotten back, but no one had paid her mind.
"Okay, okay, okay! I get the idea!" Hiei said, grabbing her wrists. "He's not going to rape anyone!"
Several doctors stared. One even came up and asked, "Is there something wrong here?"
Hiei shook his head, wrapping his arm around Shadow's waist. "Not at all. She's... rehearsing."
"Rehearsing?"
"For a play she wrote," Kurama added helpfully.
"I'M NOT REHEARSING FOR ANYTHING!" Shadow screamed, pulling away from Hiei. "Why does everyone think I'm WEIRD!" She ran away. At the end of the hall, she spun around like a ballet dancer, did a split in the air, and stopped dead upon landing. She straightened, looked over her shoulder at the doctor and Hiei, let out a wail of misery, and ran into the elevator. She tore open the emergency hatch on top, and started shimmying up the cord.
"Really. Why does everyone think she's weird?" Hiei asked, looking to the doctor for an answer.
"Is it possible that girl has a mental illness?"
Shadow came striding down the hall from the opposite direction and stopped behind the doctor. "And now you think I have a MENTAL ILLNESS? What is the world coming to!" Indignantly, she stomped off and went into the bathroom. A second later, she came back out, muttering, "Wrong turn," and went straight across from the bathroom, into an empty room, and jumped out the window. Hiei watched all this with an indifferent, if not slightly amused, look on his face. Shaking his head, he went into the room and found Shadow hanging upside down from a tree branch outside the window.
"Shadow, listen to me very carefully."
She looked at him.
"Are you listening?"
"Very carefully," she assured him.
"Reach up with your hands."
She reached above her head, down towards the ground. Hiei shook his head.
"Then reach down, if you're going to be like that, and grab the branch your legs are locked over."
She obeyed.
"Good. Do you have a strong hold on the branch?"
"Yes sir."
"Pull yourself up onto the branch so you're sitting on it."
She obeyed.
"Now, do you think you can stand up on that?"
She tried. The branch held.
"Jump over here, then."
"Jump?"
"Yes. Please tell me I don't have to instruct you on that, too..."
"Um..."
"Either you get over here right now, or you stay on that branch all--"
Shadow lunged in the window and tackled him onto the empty hospital bed behind him.
"Let's go home, shall we?" he suggested as she looked at him like she wanted to tear off all his clothes and... do stuff... to him.
"Yes, let's," Kurama said from the doorway. Shadow looked up.
"Oh, Shuuichi dear, I had no idea you were there!" she said innocently, laughing. Hiei sighed, sat up, and tossed her out the window.
"AHHHHHH!"
CRASH!
A car alarm went off, followed by a huge explosion and the sound of pounding footsteps and maniacal laughter. Hiei eyed the window with raised eyebrows, but without actually turning to look out it.
"Want to take a guess at what happened?" Kurama asked as he and his friends hastily exited the hospital.
"I'd say she landed on a car, then blew it up and ran away laughing maniacally," Hiei guessed.
"I think she went to Subway and bought a six-foot party sub!" Eclipse said excitedly, clapping. "And she's gonna share it with me!"
"Uhh..." was all Kurama could say, as his sort-of girlfriend took off running with her arms flapping along behind her like they were made of rubber.
"Well you're not gonna just let her run loose, are you?" Hiei snapped accusingly. Kurama blinked stupidly. His small friend just sighed and grabbed the front of his shirt, dragging him after Eclipse.
When they caught up to Eclipse, they were startled to find her carrying one end of a six-foot party sub from Subway. The other end was supported by Shadow. It was carried at arm's length above their heads.
"Dinner," she explained plainly to Hiei's baffled look, flashing a sweet smile.
"I like sammiches!" Eclipse told Kurama, who looked even more baffled than Hiei.
"Where... um... are you going with that?" Hiei asked, trailing along next to Shadow with his hand fisted in the fabric of Kurama's shirt to make sure the befuddled redhead continued following.
"Home, koishii. Where did you think I would go?"
"How did you get that?" he asked.
"Black magic," Shadow answered.
"I like sammiches!" Eclipse repeated in her high-pitched voice, a big ol' smile on her face.
"No, I'm serious."
"I went in and asked for it."
"How did you pay for it?"
"Money."
"That you got from where?"
"Your pocket."
Hiei froze and let go of Kurama to search all his pockets. "You stole my wallet!"
A little white weasel popped its head up from the collar of Shadow's coat and looked at him, grinning past the wallet it held in its mouth.
"Hey! Your weasel is eating my wallet!" Hiei shouted as he caught up with his girlfriend. People on the street stared at him. He ignored them.
"Daisy isn't doing so well, mentally," Shadow informed him. "She's taken up a sick obsession with you, Hiei."
"She what?"Hiei asked in horror, almost stopping again but managing to keep his feet moving.
"Daisy has become obsessed with you, koishii."
"She's a weasel."
"Are weasels not allowed to love? Let me guess, you're prejudiced against gays, too, aren't you!"
"No, I have nothing against gays..."
"I'll have you know that I have a couple of gay weasels! What do you think of that, you homophobe!" Shadow continued, ignoring his comment.
"Gay weasels?"
"Yeah."
Hiei shook his head, sighing. "I told you, I have nothing wrong with gays, or weasels, or gay weasels. Does it make me strange to be concerned when a weasel takes up an obsession with me? I'm... not a weasel."
"So? I think Youko Kurama is hot and I'm not a fox."
"That's different."
"How?"
"He's intelligent and humanoid."
"Daisy's... well, no, never mind. I was gonna say she's intelligent, but she's a couple sandwiches short of a picnic basket, so I guess that makes her... Not quite intelligent."
"Whatever she is," Hiei snapped, "she's eating my wallet and I don't appreciate it." He reached forward and grabbed the wallet form the weasel's mouth. The second he pulled on it, Daisy let go and scurried up his arm and sat on his shoulder. Then came the strangest thing he'd ever experienced: meeting the eyes of a weasel who loved him, and being able to tell it was true.
"Shadow!" he whimpered. "Don't you have some... objection... to a weasel loving me?"
His girlfriend shrugged. "No. She's a weasel. It's not like you can do anything. You can't cheat on me with a weasel, Hiei."
"I know, but--"
"Unless you're really that small."
Hiei turned red. "I resent that!"
"An insult to your manhood!" Shadow said overdramatically. "Well I'm soooo sorry. How do I know it's not true?"
"You do."
"How?"
"I LIKE SAMMICHES!" Eclipse squealed from six feet away. Hiei spared her an angry glance.
"Because you've touched me before."
"She did WHAT?" Kurama, who'd been trailing along behind Eclipse, was suddenly next to Hiei. "And why is that weasel looking at you like it wants to screw you?"
"Because she does," Shadow said plainly, turning to cross the road and causing a man walking his dog to trip and get hit by a bus as he stared at the odd group (don't worry, the dog was fine, and in fact followed Shadow home).
"O-kay, I'm gonna forget I heard that. Back to the touching thing..."
Shadow nearly screamed as Yusuke flung open the front door to greet her on the porch.
"I'm so happy to see you, Shadow!" he said. "And you even brought dinner! And a dog!"
"A dog?"
"Hey Hiei, how come that weasel looks like it wants to eat you? And I mean 'eat you' in a sexual way."
"Because it does," Kurama answered as the sandwich-bearers and the tormented fire demon filed past Yusuke. The boy opened his mouth to reply, but shuddered and walked away. Kurama shrugged and followed the other three into the dining room.
The sub was put on the table, which had been hastily cleared off (in other words, everything that had previously been on the table was now strewn all over the floor).
"And about the touching thing," Shadow said, glaring at Kurama as she moved towards Hiei. She backed her boyfriend up against the wall and he looked at her with a mixture of confusion and anxiousness. Daisy leapt off his shoulder and stalked away indignantly. Nobody paid her any mind.
"Um... what 'touching thing'?" Yusuke asked nervously. Shadow merely answered by closing the distance between herself and Hiei, pressing her lips against his and kissing him hungrily. He returned the frantic kiss with just as much fervor. Yusuke watched, slack-jawed, with a bit of drool running down his chin. Kurama nervously followed, with his eyes, the progress of Shadow's hands down Hiei's body. His chest... stomach... around his hips and down to grab his ass... Kurama gawked a bit as they ground their hips together, and then Shadow's hand reached its final destination and she grabbed Hiei's crotch. He gasped a bit, pulling away from the kiss, and met Shadow's eyes as she grinned sinisterly at him. Kurama examined them both in that moment and made a number of conclusions.
"Oh, fuck," Hiei breathed, leaning heavily against Shadow.
"Are you sure you two have never had sex?" Yusuke asked.
"We're fairly sure, unless I slept through it," Shadow replied.
"I bet you could," Hiei muttered.
"Are you really that boring?" Yusuke asked Hiei accusingly.
"What!"
"I resent that," Shadow snapped. "Hiei is not boring. Hiei is far from boring."
"We could tell," Kurama muttered under his breath. "Apparently, so are you."
"Oh, hell yes," Hiei said, grinning. "She's far from boring. Far, far from it."
"Why thank you, Hiei," the girl said.
A long, loud belch interrupted them. All four turned slowly to stare at Eclipse.
"I like sammiches!" the girl said happily. The six-foot sub was no where in sight, and Shadow let out a scream.
"YOU ATE MY SUBWAY, YOU BITCH!"
"I miss the sandwich," Eclipse muttered to herself.
"YOU ATE THAT ENTIRE SUBWAY BY YOURSELF!"
"Yeaaaas," she agreed. "Wait a minute, no. The doggie got some."
"Doggie!"
"The doggie that the bus didn't kill!"
"YOU GAVE A DOG MY SANDWICH!"
"Uh-huh!"
"DIIIIEEEEE, YOU CRIMINAL!"
"YOU WERE TOO BUSY GIVING HIEI A HARD-ON! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?" Eclipse shouted, not using the happy high-pitched voice anymore, but being blunt and childish all the same.
"YOU COULD HAVE WAITED!"
"I didn't get a hard-on, either," Hiei pointed out, more to himself than to either of the girls. "Not like you care."
"It would have been kinda funny if you had," Yusuke admitted. Hiei examined him for a second, made a disgusted noise, rolled his eyes, and walked away.
"AND NOW LOOK! YOU MADE HIM LEAVE!" Shadow shouted. "I demand you go now and get me another six-foot sub!"
"Hey, Hiei's all horny, why don't you go give him a blowjob," Yusuke suggested.
Yusuke woke up late the next day, seeing through two black eyes and sporting a heavily bandaged head.
The following day, after a mere two hours of sleep, Hiei got up at nine o'clock to allow for any events between then and ten 'til ten, when he had to leave (by car) to get to the school to coach the soccer team.
And there were a few events. Yusuke had spent the night there, while Kurama had taken Eclipse home after Shadow nearly killed her twice (they later puzzled whether he'd meant his home, or hers). So, Shadow got no sleep. Hiei came home at six in the morning to find her and Yusuke playing strip poker. He wasn't very pleased.
"I about got shot four times, did get hit once, the mob made another pitiful attempt at killing me, and I got bitched at by Kyouken for twenty minutes, and then I come home and find my girlfriend sitting shirtless in front of YOU in your UNDERWEAR at the dining room TABLE!"
They later found out Yusuke had taped Shadow's entire apology and the kiss that followed from a closet. Unfortunately, Kurama had showed up by that time with Eclipse to make sure Hiei reached the soccer field on time, and he restrained the two furious pyromaniacs. However, he couldn't protect Yusuke from Shadow's fiery wrath, and she burned off all the boy's clothes. All of them. Hiei left willingly then, revenge taken, snickering as Yusuke whined, "GUYS! I don't have any more clothes here!"
"Don't sit your naked ass on my furniture," Shadow warned, snickering. Kurama turned his back quickly and steered the two out the door to hide his own laughter.
"NO FAIR!"
When the group reached the soccer field and Shuuichi Minamino stepped out of the car, all activity on the field ceased.
"Wow... It's Shuuichi Minamino..."
"Wow..."
A ball that had been kicked high up in the air previous to the God's entrance suddenly flew down and slammed into Eclipse's head, knocking her flat out on the ground. Hiei, who'd gotten out of the car on the same side as her, looked down at her indifferently while Kurama stared with wide eyes and Shadow abruptly decided to play seal and balance the ball on her nose.
"Is she okay?" Kurama asked Hiei, annoyed.
"I 'onno." He grabbed the front of her shirt and looked at her curiously. "Yeah."
Eclipse punched him in the head. "I AM NOT!" Then she continued hanging like a corpse. Hiei looked at her with a frown.
"I am not in the mood."
"Why?"
"Never mind. Just go play soccer."
"Okay... Bitch." She jumped onto the hood of the car and off the other side, running onto the field before Hiei could pummel her. He clenched his fists and glared at her as she kicked balls at her teammates' faces to snap them out of their Shuuichi-induced coma.
"Oh, calm down," Kurama soothed, putting a hand on Hiei's shoulder. "You know how she is."
"Easy for you to say. She's your girlfriend."
"She isn't, but that doesn't change the fact that you can't expect much from her."
"At least Shadow has half a grain of consideration."
Kurama glanced at Hiei's girlfriend, who was repeatedly bouncing a soccer ball on her forehead.
"She may be considerate, but she's retarded."
"I RESENT THAT!" Shadow snapped, catching the ball and flinging it at Kurama's head. Hiei ducked (unnecessarily, as his head is like, at Kurama's chest level... shoulder, perhaps). Kurama dodged as well, and the ball flew into the road, crashing into some bicyclist and causing him to wreck. Shadow didn't watch long enough to see that, as the second it didn't hit Kurama, she pinned him to the car with his arms out to his sides, forcing her to be very close to him to keep them that way.
"Take it back, fox," she demanded.
"But it's true."
"You know very well I have an unnaturally high level of intellect," she said, lifting her knee and gently placing it between his legs as a lingering threat. "Take it back."
"Fine, Shadow. I'm very sorry. You aren't retarded. I take it back. You're smarter than you act. You just put your smarts to a different use than Hiei or I do."
"Thank you," she said, leaning up and kissing his cheek. "I knew you could see things my way." With that, she put her hands on his shoulders, flung herself up over his head, doing a few acrobatics in mid-air before landing right in the path of a high-velocity soccer ball (kicked by Eclipse) and getting knocked flat in the dirt from the impact. Hiei barely spared her a glance as he strolled onto the field to do his coaching.
"Okay! Warm-ups. Now."
Good coach he is, no?
"But that's what we were just doing!" one girl protested.
"WELL DO IT SOME MORE!" Hiei snapped. "I didn't see you, nor did I instruct you to before."
"Bitch," Eclipse said again from where she was poking Shadow's motionless body with a stick. Hiei grabbed a soccer ball from the nearest person and wailed at it Eclipse, who dodged and he only succeeded in smashing his own girlfriend in the stomach with the ball. And it was no gentle toss, either, but Shadow was already lying there with her tongue hanging out and her eyes rolled back in her head, spread-eagled on the grass, so there was no indicator that she'd even felt it, except for the loud, pained, "UHG!" she emitted. (did you catch the sarcasm?)
"Jeez... How does she put up with you?" one of the girls asked.
"Really, Hiei. You're such a bitch," Eclipse said, returning to Shadow to poke her corpse with a stick again.
"You want me to be a bitch? I'll show you a bitch if you don't start doing your fuckin' warm-ups," Hiei threatened. Eclipse smiled innocently and grabbed the ball that had hit her friend in the stomach.
"You heard the vertically challenged neanderthal!" she shouted. "Warm-ups!"
Kurama wandered over and grabbed Shadow's wrist, dragging her out of the way. Hiei showed no signs of noticing.
After warm-ups (during which Eclipse called Hiei a bitch at least half a dozen more times), ol' Coach Hiei (or would it be Coach Jaganshi?) put them on teams and they scrimmaged. When one of the teams started losing horribly--something he'd intentionally arranged, to test the skill of the previous season's crappier players--he sighed and added himself to their team, if only as goalie.
"You cheater! You're biased to that team because I'm not on it! You bitch!" Eclipse wailed. Hiei kicked a ball at her head next chance he got.
When, with him as goalie, the other team scored no more goals but his team scored none either because they sucked some major ass, he put himself in the position of center.
"Just remember I'm not gonna be saving your asses in games," he reminded.
"You're such a bitch, Hiei!" Eclipse whined. "You're better than all of them! You're prejudiced against my team because I'm on it, and Kit isn't! I bet you're secretely having an AFFAIR with her!"
"Yeah, I wish!" the girl named Kit scoffed. Hiei grabbed the ball and slammed it into the ground, bouncing it a good ten feet up into the air.
"This is SOCCER! Not--"
"This is soccer!" Eclipse mocked. "I'm a bitch!"
Hiei caught the ball as it came down and smashed her in the head with it. "Now! Are we going to play soccer, or are you all going to discuss your attraction to me?"
"You're fuckin' sexy, Hiei!" one girl called from the defense position.
"But Shuuichi is still better!" the other defense on Eclipse's team called.
"Thanks."
"Bitch," Eclipse shot at him.
"What was that one for!"
"The hell of it," the girl answered. "Now, are we going to play soccer?"
"Yes, you ass," Hiei snapped. And they did. With Hiei's help, his team still lost horribly because he intentionally lowered his exertions to a level that made him about equal to Eclipse (one good player on a sucky team can't save the game).
"Alright," he called after a while, catching the ball in mid-air as it sailed towards his team's goal. "Practice is over."
"BITCH!" Eclipse roared for a last time. "WE WOULD HAVE WON!"
"You did win, you shithead," Hiei snapped.
"We did?"
"Yes."
"Oh, well in that case, I take back that last bitch comment."
"You called me a bitch at least thirty times in the past two hours. I hardly think that makes me feel any better."
"God, you're such a bitch, Hiei," Shadow taunted, walking onto the field. She kissed his lips, then his neck. She stepped back and looked at him thoughtfully for a second.
"What?" he questioned nervously.
"You taste like sweat."
"Ewwwww," Eclipse whined.
"Go fuck Kurama," Shadow snapped, and began licking the sweat off Hiei's neck, occasionally leaving gentle kisses.
"Eww, you have some kind of sick sweat-drinking fetish," Eclipse whined as she watched with rapt fascination, moving around to see better as Hiei tilted his head.
"I'm not even sweating," he told her.
"Ewwwwww," Kurama echoed mockingly from behind Eclipse. She jumped. "And you have some kind of fetish with watching her 'sick sweat-drinking fetish.'"
When Shadow finished her odd activities, Hiei looked at her questioningly.
"Do you really like the taste of sweat that much? Because that is a little odd. Blood, I can understand, but sweat..."
Shadow shrugged. "You weren't even sweating. It was kinda just an excuse to drool all over you."
He pulled her close and kissed her lips gently. "You don't need an excuse for that."
"Well you could have told me earlier," Shadow whined.
"Yeah, bitch!" Eclipse added. Kurama pinched her. "Ow!"
"I did tell you earlier, koi," Hiei reminded. "When I said I loved you."
"That automatically gives me permission to come up to you at random intervals in the day and drool all over your neck? Is that written somewhere, because I must have missed that memo..."
Hiei chuckled. "Now, considering what you did yesterday, do you think I would mind if you licked my neck a little?"
"That wasn't a little," Eclipse muttered. "That was like, a saliva bath."
Most of the soccer team was watching, and had been watching, and in fact hadn't even moved off the field yet. Shadow abruptly noticed this and pulled Hiei close, putting her arms around him and her mouth next to his ear.
"Look around, koishii... It's like we're in a zoo..."
Hiei's eyes flicked around nervously at all the people staring. Shadow then made it worse by saying, "A reward for your good behaviour," and kissing him fervently right there. But he couldn't very well resist.
"Now," Shadow said, pulling away, "come along, little doggie." She pulled out a collar and a leash and fastened the former around her boyfriend's neck, dragging him away.
"Shadow, this is humiliating!" he complained.
"You know you like it."
"No I don't," he said dejectedly, reaching up to unbuckle the collar. "Under other circumstances, maybe. But no, I don't like it right now."
Shadow sighed. "You're mean."
"Yeah, Hiei!" Eclipse said, catching up to them as said fire demon handed his collar back to Shadow. "You're such a bitch, Hiei!"
"You're abusive," Hiei told the girl. "I have abusive friends. Maybe I was better off with no friends."
"You probably were," Eclipse said frankly. "Look what you've gotten yourself into. You've got a girlfriend like Shadow, and you guys can't even have sex because it's against the law. She's a minor. It'd be rape."
Shadow stopped dead. "I'd forgotten all about that. There's another reason we can't have sex, Hiei! And look at all those times you've tried to get my pants off! You'd be raping me!"
"I have not tried to get your pants off! Last time I checked, it was me having to convince you to stop with the sex fixation!"
"Oh, yeah, uh-huh, that's what you say now!" Eclipse added. "I remember that time--"
"Oh, shut up, you whore!" Shadow snapped. "You wanna fuck Kurama!"
"I do not!"
"Just because Hiei wants to make mad passionate love to me doesn't mean that you have to add your two cents worth! Besides, he holds back around you, because you're sex-squeamish! You're just jealous because I have a guy lusting after my body and you just have Kurama!"
"I am not sex squeamish, and what does that mean that I 'just have Kurama'! Kurama is plenty, thank you!"
"Oooh, he's plenty of man, is he? You've gone that far with him? What would your teammates think?"
"I haven't got 'that far' with anyone! I'm sex-squeamish, remember?"
"Uh-huh, that's what you say now. How many times have you had sex, I wonder?"
"ZERO! What about you? How many times have you had sex, Shadow Jaganshi, you whore? You've got all those creepy half-naked outfits and chains and whips in your bedroom! I bet you're a dominatrix! You're gonna chain Hiei up and beat him until he gets off!"
"Hiei is not like that! He wouldn't orgasm from pain!"
"He might if you were in one of those whore outfits and you were--" She made crude hand motions.
Shadow let out a "Hmph!" and said, "Well I bet you've sucked off half the school, you lesbian!"
"Why would I suck anyone off if I was a lesbian?"
"Good point, you whore! So why'd you tell me you were?"
"I never did!"
"Yes you did! You've got a sick fixation on me! You want my body as bad as Hiei does!"
"Well then Hiei must not want you very badly!"
"What are you talking about? Hiei loves me! He wants to make mad passionate love to me!"
"Well I don't!"
"You had damn well better not! Why would you say such a stupid thing? That's like, DUH!"
"You just said I did!"
"Did what?"
"Wanted to fuck you!"
"Ew, you want to fuck me? HIEI!"
"No!"
"HIEI! PROTECT ME! SHE'S A LESBIAN!"
"Hiei, she's full of shit! Ask Kurama!"
"Oh, ask Kurama, huh? And how, pray tell, would Kurama know?"
"He just would! He's smart like that."
"Just because you gave him a blowjob doesn't mean you can't be a lesbian."
"I never did!"
"Yeah, that's what you say now, but last night you told me--"
"I didn't even SEE YOU last night!"
"That's what you say now, but last night--"
"Shut the hell up, you Hiei-sucking--"
"Kurama-sucker!"
"I resent that! He's not even my boyfriend!"
"Well Hiei isn't mine!"
"Since WHEN? Last time I checked, you loved him!"
"Well that doesn't mean he's my boyfriend!"
"Well then what DOES it mean?"
"He's my lover!"
"But you can't make love! It'd be rape!"
"How could it be rape if I was totally willing?"
"The law says so."
"The law is full of shit!"
"I agree."
"Yeah, I'll bet you do, you freak!"
"What about that makes me a freak?"
"What if I was dominant? Would it still be rape?"
"Yes."
"That law is full of shit! Who made it up?"
"Some loser."
"I agree! He is a loser!"
"Such an asshole."
"Exactly!"
"Motherfuckin' dorkwad."
"You took the words right out of my mouth!"
"Hiei's gay."
"No he's not."
"Damn. I figured you'd agree, that roll you were on."
"Agree? Why would I agree that my boyfriend is gay?"
"You just said he wasn't your boyfriend!"
"When the hell did I say that?"
"When you said he was gay and you refused to spend another night with him."
"Hiei's GAY?"
"Yes, yes he is. I'm sorry, Shadow."
"Hiei, you whore!"
"I never said he was a whore! I said he was gay!"
"Hiei, you gay freak!"
"You tell 'im, Shadow."
"I can't believe you're gay! I bet you've been cheating on me this whole time with KURAMA!"
"No he hasn't! Kurama isn't gay! Just Hiei!"
"Kurama, I can't believe you're gay in my bed with Hiei! In MY BED!"
"SHADOW, I NEVER SAID THAT!"
"Yes you did! You said you couldn't believe that Kurama was cheating on you with me, and that you're disgusted by my utter and totally unbelievable sexiness and inhumanly high intelligence levels and--"
"Whore."
"Bitch."
"Ass."
"Dick."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Is not."
"Is so."
"Is not."
"Are so."
"You are."
"Am not."
"Damn."
"What?"
"I was hoping you'd agree."
"I don't even know what we're talking about now."
"I don't even know who's talking now."
"You're an asshole, whoever you are."
"Well whoever you are, you're a whore."
"Good. Glad it's settled. I'm gonna go fuck Kurama now."
"But you're Shadow."
"HA! SO YOU DO KNOW WHO I AM! ALL THESE YEARS YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME! You no-good dirty rotten lying son of a bitch..."
"I'm a girl."
"OH MY GOD! YOU ARE? ALL THIS TIME YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME! You no-good dirty--"
"SHUT UP!"
Both girls froze at the sudden uproar of voices.
"Did you hear that?" Shadow asked quietly.
"No."
"Yes you did you lying, no-good, dirty, rotten, lying son of a bitch!"
"You said 'lying' twice."
"No I didn't, you dirty, stinking, ugly, rotten, sock-faced, pugly fugly monkey-ass-for-a-face piece of deer shit."
"Yes you did, actually, you bulbous, festering, vile, rotting, maggot-infested hunk of slimey roadkill."
"Why, I oughtta cram my fist right down your throat, you stinking, fly-infested--"
"As interesting as this is to listen to," Hiei muttered, "I think we should do something or they'll be at it all day."
"I agree," Kurama said.
All the soccer team, plus most of the team's parents, were standing around watching the two girls argue and trade vile insults.
"What should we do?" Hiei asked.
"Cram socks in their mouths," the fox suggested.
"Shadow would eat them."
"I'm gonna be sick."
"--you homeless son of the ugliest whore in RUSSIA!"
"We're not in Russia, you dumb, stupid, moronic--"
"Yes we are, you fat, blubbering, whale of a--"
"No we AREN'T, you... pink, happy... uh... ray of sunshine?"
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH, OOOOHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO! IT HURTS, IT HURTS!"
"MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SUFFER!"
"No." Shadow punched Eclipse. Eclipse kicked Shadow. Shadow bit Eclipse. Eclipse spat on Shadow. Hiei grabbed Shadow by the ponytail, pulling backwards and knocking her to the ground, quickly straddling her and pinning her hands above her head in a totally unromantic manner.
"Who are you?" Shadow asked, squirming. Hiei glared.
"Quit squirming, you lunatic."
"Why? Does it hurt your groinal area?"
"Yes. Sort of."
"Kurama is making out with Eclipse."
"What!" Hiei turned to look and Shadow pulled her hand out of his grip, grabbing his crotch and causing him to yelp and almost jump up, but he caught himself at the last second and instead began chewing on his lip with his eyes closed, trying to restrain himself.
"HIEI'S BEING FONDLED!" one girl screamed.
"Mari!" the girl's mother snapped.
"Well he is," she replied plainly.
"I protest!" a man cried. "You're the soccer coach! What are you doing? It makes me wonder what you do during practice!"
"Play soccer," Kurama assured him, kicking Shadow.
"Ow, you son of a--"
But the one man's complaint had riled up all the other parents, and Hiei found himself being bombarded with unpleasant shouts, while Shadow fondled him and he tried desperately to control himself.
"Ah, hell," he snarled finally. He grabbed Shadow's hand and held it. "You can do that later, if you want."
"MINOR!" Eclipse reminded.
"SHUT UP!" Shadow shouted. "I wanna fondle him!"
"I'm sure he wants to fondle you, too, in the more upper part of your body, but still... MINOR!"
"Fuck you!" Shadow snapped.
"Fuck Hiei!" Eclipse retorted.
"OKAY!"
"NOT OKAY!" Kurama and about fifteen angry parents shouted. The redhead picked up Hiei and Shadow and tossed them in the backseat of his car, Eclipse got in the passenger's seat and he got in the driver's seat, hitting the autolock button and digging the key out of his pocket.
"RUN AWAY! FINE! BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!" a few parents shouted. "WE'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!"
"They are aware that what I do after practice isn't their business, right?" Hiei said, righting himself in the seat and fastening his seatbelt like a good little boy.
"They don't care," Kurama said, starting the car and pulling out. "If they think you're raping their daughters, they'll go all the way to the school board about it."
"They don't have any power over me."
"Yeah they do."
"Damn. But I haven't been raping their daughters and hopefully their daughters will tell them that."
"Hopefully. But then they'll complain about what they saw today."
"Today was a once-in-a-blue-moon occurance."
"They don't care."
"Parents are retarded. I'd better never become one." He looked pointedly at Shadow.
"What? I don't want kids either! If I ever have kids, kill them and then punish me."
"I think I should punish you anyways, for putting me on that leash and then embarrassing me with all that crap you said."
"What? About sucking you off? How would you punish me? Would it involve rough sex?"
"See! Did you hear that? She is the one trying to get me out of my pants," Hiei snapped. "I'm not trying to rape a minor! The minor is trying to rape me!"
"I wouldn't rape you, Hiei. Not unless you wanted me to."
"It wouldn't be rape if I wanted it."
"But you do. So I can't rape you."
"Even if you did beat him and chain him up and brutally rape him, he would be accused of rape, not you," Kurama said.
"What kind of moron made that law?" Hiei asked.
"A moron," Eclipse replied.
"Obviously."
"Oh, Shadow, I took the liberty of setting up your audition with Tamura-sensei for three thirty, alright?" Kurama told her.
"You did what? Audition? What for?"
"For the play you're going to be the star of with me."
"Wait, but in Romeo and Juliet," Hiei muttered, "isn't Juliet in love with Romeo? And you're playing Romeo?"
"Yeah..." (Heh heh, Kurama as Romeo... Sorry...)
"But..."
"Oh, it doesn't mean anything, Hiei. Lord. It's a play. You watch movies all the time, don't you? Just because we're friends it's not any different."
"Yeah, you'd better not start cheating on me," Eclipse threatened. "If you start cheating on me before we even start dating, our relationship doesn't have a promising future!"
"I'm not going to cheat on you with Shadow," Kurama said. "God. I wouldn't be cheating on you, anyways. Like you said, we're not dating yet."
"Yet! Yet! Did you hear that yet? Hiei? Did you hear it? He said yet! They're planning on dating! Isn't that great?" Shadow said, grabbing Hiei and shaking his shoulders.
"Okay, yeah, I heard it! Good lord... Kill me over it... Psycho..."
"But it's so SWEET! They'll get together and kiss and make out and have sex! Because THEY are allowed to have sex because they're BOTH minors! How much sense does THAT make?"
"Not much, I guess," Hiei agreed.
"Really! They can screw each other silly and Eclipse can have three kids before she's eighteen and it's not against the law, but it's against the law for one person below eighteen and one person above eighteen to have safe, responsible, mad passionate sex and with no side effects of STDs or children. That's so stupid."
"That is stupid!" Hiei agreed, this time with a little feeling.
"We're not going to have sex," Kurama snapped. "We're not even going out!"
"Yeah, but you were making out that one time..."
"No we weren't," Eclipse said with confusion. "I would remember something like that."
"I don't remember things like that," Shadow muttered.
"Well that's because your boyfriend is a boring, average-looking, midgety tall little sad excuse for a man," the other girl accused. "Kurama is much, much more."
Shadow stared. "Hiei isn't a little sad excuse for a man... He's more man than Kurama... Kurama looks like a girl."
"He's not built like a girl, though," Eclipse pointed out.
"Oh, what, cuz he has a dick?"
"Exactly."
"And do you know this for certain?"
Eclipse paused.
"Uh-huh, that's what I thought! Of course, Hiei does. I know that for certain. I had to make sure he wasn't shying away from sex because he harbored a deep secret, like being a girl."
"Yeah, and now you just fondle me for fun," Hiei muttered.
"And it is fun, isn't it, koishi?"
Hiei's cell phone rang precisely at that moment, saving him from answering, though they all knew the answer anyways. "What the hell," he muttered, pulling it out of his pocket and looking at the display. "Who?"
"Just answer it! Your ring annoys me!" Eclipse complained.
"Shadow picked it," he said, flipping open the phone. "Moshi moshi?"
"Jaganshi-san!" came an enraged voice from the other end. "My daughter tells me you cuss all the time!"
Hiei got a puzzled look on his face. "...You felt the need to call me and tell something I already knew?"
"Who is it?" Shadow asked.
"That's not the point!" the enraged voice continued. "She also said you've gone shirtless in front of them!"
"Who is it?" Shadow asked again, more insistantly.
"So?" Hiei replied, waving off his girlfriend. "What is your point?"
"I'm going to the schoolboard about you!"
"What the hell for?"
"You're a bad coach for the team! You conduct yourself inappropriately around impressionable teenage girls!"
"Who is it?" Shadow practically yelled. Hiei clamped his hand over her mouth without even sparing her a glance.
"Look here," he started. "I took my shirt off once at a soccer practice, and nobody protests to my cussing; in fact, your daughter probably cusses more than I do."
"Why you--"
"Now, let's look at this for a minute: If you complain to the schoolboard for my so-called 'inappropriate conduct,' I could get fired."
"That's the point!"
"Shut up and let me continue. If I get fired, there's no telling what kind of hobo they'll put in my place. Last season, that team won almost all their games. If they replace me, you could get some inexperienced piece of shit coach and that team will suck. Would you rather your daughter was on a winning team and got glory and recognization but had a coach who cusses a little bit but knows how to win a game, or would you rather your daughter had some hobo as a coach and was on a sucky-ass team that lost every game they had?"
There was silence from the other end.
"That's what I thought," Hiei said.
"I didn't say anything, Jaganshi-san," the man said. Hiei felt Shadow's tongue on his fingers and flinched a bit. Better wrap up this conversation. She was getting ideas.
"I know."
"I'm sorry for bothering you."
"You'd better be. How the hell did you get my cell phone number, anyways?"
"My daughter had it."
Shadow's tongue moved along Hiei's skin, then she pried his hand away enough to open her mouth and start sucking on his middle finger.
"What!" He tugged his finger out of Shadow's mouth and wiped it on her pants, giving her a desperate 'Stop it!' look.
"My daughter gave me your cell phone number," the man on the other line repeated.
"How did she get it!"
"I assumed you gave it to her."
"Why would I give my cell phone number out? Look, once I get off the phone with you, I want you to forget this number and never call it again, can you do that for me?"
"Fine."
"Who's your daughter?"
"Kita Parker."
"Oh! Her! How did she--" Hiei's eyes moved up to the seat in front of him, where Eclipse was shrinking away into nothingness from shame. "Eclipse..."
"Jaganshi-san? I'll be going now. I'm sorry for bothering you. I would appreciate it, however, if I never witnessed another display like that one today with that girl..."
"Sure, fine, I'll pass the word to her. Sayonara." He snapped his phone shut without waiting for a reply. "Eclipse, do you have something you'd like to tell me?"
"Ummm... No..."
"Yes you do. Kita Parker has my cell phone number. How is it that she got my cell phone number?"
"I gave it to her," the girl admitted. "It was a birthday present."
"A... Oh, Eclipse, you are in so much trouble..." Hiei muttered.
"Um... Hey, Kurama, do you think you could take me straight home?" Eclipse asked nervously. "I'd like to keep all my limbs and vital organs attached to my body."
"You can't hide from me forever..." Hiei reminded darkly. "You just wait..."
"Kurama, I wanna go home right now."
"I know where you live," the fire demon continued. "I know where you sleep. I've been in your bedroom!"
"HIEI! You're cheating on me?" Shadow wailed.
"Kurama! Home! Now! Home! Now! Home! Take a left! No! A left! No! Your other left! That way! Yes! Good! Left!" Eclipse was demanding.
"I know where you live!" Kurama snapped. "Stop telling me where to go!"
"Yes ma'am," she whimpered meekly.
"Now you're gonna have to apologize to her," Hiei said. "Drop us off right here. We'll walk home."
"No. Shadow has an audition in a few hours. And plus, Yusuke is still at your house. I think I'd better just go straight to your house." Kurama did a U-turn and returned to the route to Shadow's house. Eclipse screeched.
"YOU'RE TAKING ME TO MY DOOM? SOME FRIEND WITH BENEFITS YOU ARE!"
"Oh, shush. Hiei's not going to kill you, is he?"
"No," Hiei sighed grudgingly.
"I'll make sure of that," Shadow said helpfully. "I could distract him while you smuggle Eclipse across borders."
"I bet you could."
"Oh yes. Yes I could."
They arrived at Shadow's house and Shadow got Hiei out of the car and guided him to the front door, making sure Eclipse stayed a safe distance away. She opened the door and led him inside, into the living room, and both of them stopped dead. Yusuke was sitting there, thankfully clothed, but what he was wearing irked Hiei greatly.
"Hey, Hiei!" Yusuke said. "Y'know, your clothes are a little small, but they're really comfortable. I can see why you used to wear the same thing all the time."
Hiei twitched. "Shadow? He's wearing my clothes."
"I see that, Hiei."
"He's wearing--" He grabbed her shoulders. "--my clothes."
"I see that, Hiei."
"Why is he wearing my clothes?"
"At least he's not wearing mine," Shadow said. A sudden image of Yusuke in a skirt and tank top popped into Hiei's mind and he squeaked.
"Oh, that's okay, Yusuke! You can keep wearing my clothes."
"You're not wearing his underwear, too, are you?" Shadow asked.
"No," Yusuke said.
"So you're not wearing underwear?" she continued, horrified. "You're wearing Hiei's clothes without underwear on?"
"You can keep those pants, Yusuke," Hiei said. "Consider it a gift for all our years of... friendship... or whatever you want to call it."
"Oh, come on, Hiei," Yusuke said, throwing an arm around the little demon's shoulders. "We're both guys! We're great friends! You've seen me naked! Why be like that?"
"Oh, shut up, Yusuke. If you ever return those pants, I will burn them. So you might as well keep them. Make a pirate flag or something and go sail the seven seas, raping maidens and burning villages..." He ducked out from under the boy's arm and sulked up the stairs.
"What's his problem?"
"You. Your naked ass is in his pants. Besides, you could stick those pants on a pole and make an excellent flag." She followed Hiei upstairs. Kurama and Eclipse walked in the door just then and spotted Yusuke. Both of them cracked up laughing at him in his too-short pants and bare feet.
"Ready for a flood, Yusuke?" Eclipse laughed.
"Shut up. At least I'm not naked!" the boy snapped. She stopped laughing instantly.
"Do what!"
"Oh yeah, you weren't in here. Shadow burned off all my clothes, isn't that kind of her?"
"Are you wearing Hiei's underwear, too?" Kurama asked, grinning.
"I already went through this once, with them! No, I'm not. My naked ass is in his pants, okay? He told me to make a flag out of them and sail the seven seas and rape villages or something wacked up like that..."
"Rape maidens!" came Shadow's voice from upstairs. "Rape maidens and burn villages!"
"Um... O-kay, whatever," Yusuke said. "Point is, he doesn't want them back. But that's okay. They're comfy."
Kurama chuckled. "You're nuts. Go home."
"Why? Are you guys gonna have an orgy without me?"
"If we had an orgy, you wouldn't wanna be here," Shadow called down the stairs.
"SHUT UP! I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! GO CONSOLE YOUR LOVER!"
"I AM!"
"He's not her lover. She's a minor. They can't have sex or it'd be rape," Eclipse told him.
"That's funny," Yusuke chuckled.
"We can have sex as long as NO ONE FINDS OUT!" Shadow yelled psychotically. "MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
"PUT A SOCK IT IN!" Eclipse and Yusuke yelled simultaneously.
"MAKE ME! MAYBE WE'LL JUST GO MAKE LOVE RIGHT NOW!"
"Would she really?" Yusuke asked.
"Yeah, she would," Eclipse said. "She definitely would."
"We should probably go stop her then, shouldn't we?" Kurama asked.
"Hell no! Where's the video camera?" Yusuke asked. He took off upstairs and flung open Shadow's bedroom door. "You guys-- Hey, where's Hiei?"
"Taking a shower," Shadow replied casually, twirling a few strands of hair around her finger. "Why?"
"But you just said..."
"I haven't said a word since I came up here," she lied.
"You did so! You were doing commentary on our conversation downstairs!"
"I can't even hear you guys down there! I had my door shut and my music's playing! How would I hear you?"
Yusuke moved his mouth soundlessly.
"Out of the way, clothes thief," Hiei snapped from behind him. Yusuke spun and yelped.
"Hiei! You're... scarely clothed..."
"I'm not clothed." All he wore was a big fluffy white towel wrapped firmly around his waist, and even though his hair was wet, it still stood up in its customary gravity defying manner.
"He's wet and sexy," Shadow purred, slipping between Yusuke and Hiei and kissing her boyfriend. "And naked."
"God, Hiei... Put on some clothes!" Yusuke whined. "Shadow's getting ideas..."
Eclipse came hurtling up the stairs. "Hiei's naked?"
"Look at the way she comes flying up here!" Hiei said. "She wants to see me naked! Shadow, I demand this girl is removed from my house."
"It's actually my house, but I suppose if it makes you happy... Eclipse! Beat it!"
"No!"
"Hiei's not gonna put on a show for you. You missed seeing Yusuke naked earlier, and you're not gonna get to see Hiei naked either. Take Kurama home and see him naked."
"Oooh! Okay!" Eclipse turned around and returned downstairs. Yusuke looked from Hiei and Shadow to the stairs and back and forth before finally blocking the doorway to Shadow's bedroom.
"You can't go in there, Hiei. A young virgin girl having an older man in naked in her bedroom is a bad idea. If either of you had been raised up properly, you'd know that."
"We were raised up properly. I'm sure that if we were in Makai, and Hiei and I were in this relationship, I would have jumped on him and raped him a long time ago," Shadow said.
"Raped?" Yusuke asked.
"Yes, raped. I would have got some chains and whips and chained him up to the bed and made sure he fucked me good and senseless, or I'd whip him."
"What if I wanted whipped?" Hiei asked.
"Then I wouldn't have whipped you."
"You're no fun."
"Eww... Are you guys in some kind of sick sadomasochistic relationship?"
"No, Yusuke. I'm not a masochist, to my knowledge, and though I fully enjoy other people's pain, I wouldn't hurt Shadow if my life depended on it."
"Aww, you're such a sweet boyfriend," Yusuke mocked, pinching Hiei's cheek. The little demon pulled away and then clamped his teeth together on Yusuke's finger, hard enough to draw blood.
"Don't touch me, Yusuke."
"Ow..." the boy whimpered, sucking on his finger. Shadow looked from Hiei to Yusuke and screeched.
"That finger was just in Hiei's mouth and now you're sucking on it! I think you have a sick fixation with him too! Everybody wants Hiei!" She grabbed Hiei's shoulders and started sobbing.
"I don't want Hiei!" Yusuke whined. "If I wanted Hiei, I would have shown some sign of it a long time ago. I've got a girlfriend."
"But you want a boyfriend!"
"No I don't! Hiei is yours to keep! And I suggest you keep him! Nobody else wants him, except maybe Youko..."
"Now that's a lie. If you were gay, you would definitely go after Hiei," Shadow said. She paused. "Or Kurama. But since Kurama's so girly, you could be straight and go after him."
"I wouldn't doubt it's happened," Hiei muttered. He slipped past them both and into Shadow's bedroom, shutting the door so he could dress in private.
"So... If you were gay, Yusuke, which one of your friends would you feel the strongest sexual attraction towards?"
"Wha--? What kind of question is that!"
"One derived purely from innocent childlike curiousity, dear Yusuke. Now ANSWER IT, YOU BASTARD!"
The boy stared.
"Would it be Kuwabara, with his pansy girlish attitude and overly emotional disposition and weak, stupid mind? Would it be Kuwabara you would want to screw?"
"No! Gods, no!"
"O-kay... Then how about Kurama? He's a little bit feminine, sure, but he's got to be amazing in bed, with all those years of experience to back him up... He's so strong and lean and sexy... He moves so gracefully... Mmmmm..." She licked her lips. Yusuke stared, moving his mouth wordlessly. "Would it be Kurama?"
The boy shook his head. At that precise moment, Hiei opened Shadow's bedroom door. The girl looked at him.
"Then it'd be Hiei," she said slowly. "Hiei... Nothing but muscle... Cocky, strong... Passionate. Sexy. Sensual... Pity he's MINE!" She punched Yusuke. "YOU'RE GAY AND YOU'RE LUSTING AFTER MY BOYFRIEND! MINE! YOU SICK, SICK LITTLE PERVERT! YOU'RE EVEN WEARING HIS CLOTHES! YOU STRIVE TO BE EXACTLY LIKE HIM! YOU'RE SICK! HIEI! YUSUKE'S STALKING YOU AND LUSTING AFTER YOUR HOT SEXY MUSCULAR BODY!" She clung to Hiei protectively.
"That's okay," Hiei said after a minute. "If he comes near me like that, I'll rip off his balls."
"I don't want anything to do with you!" Yusuke finally snapped. "None of you! And I don't want to fuck Hiei! Or any guy for that matter!" He spun around and stomped away.
"No, no, you just wanted to watch Hiei. Watch him screw me! You wanted to film it so you could watch it whenever you wanted and--Oops!" She dodged Yusuke's punch.
"Hey!" Hiei snapped, striding towards them. Before he could reach them, however, the door to the weasels' room burst open and a single white weasel darted out and stood in front of him. He froze, then stepped back.
"Shadow?"
Shadow leapt straight up and clung to the ceiling like a fly. She scurried over and dropped down in front of Hiei, landing on one knee with one hand on the floor, looking ready to lunge at the next thing that moved.
However, Daisy had no plans to be lunged upon. She darted towards Shadow, then feinted and went around her, up Hiei's leg, chest, shoulder, and into his hair. Hiei clenched his fist furiously, grabbed the white weasel out of his hair, and flung it back into the room with the rest of the weasels. He briefly saw Norman the blue weasel step forward and a few normal-colored weasels grabbed Daisy and dragged her away, squirming and yowling.
"Good lord," he muttered, shutting the door and glancing at Shadow, who was now chewing on her fingernail. "Your weasels are like some kind of highly organized military operation. What are they gonna do with her?"
"Solitary confinement for a day or two should do it," the girl answered. "My weasels aren't cruel. Norman is no Hitler." (I just got an image of Norman, in his t-shirt and sunglasses, with a little Hitler mustache, up on a raised platform with lines and lines of soldier weasels doing the 'Hail Hitler!' salute to him)
"Hitler?"
"You don't know who Hitler is? I'd think if you wanted to pick one weak-minded ningen to learn about, it'd be Hitler... He wanted to take over the world, Hiei!"
The little demon quirked an eyebrow. "Really?"
"Yeah, but apparently he was really a total lunatic and raped his neice or cousin or something, or married her and had kids or something like that... And I think he killed himself in the end, so it doesn't really matter what he did when he was alive..."
"Why would I want to learn about a nutjob suicidal incestial rapist creep?"
"He was German."
"So? That makes it any better?"
"Yeah. Sure. The guy who invented television was German. His name was... Nipkow or Novkip or something like that..."
"And I care about him any more?"
"You like television, don't you?"
"Like? I don't know if that's the right word... I'd much rather massacre a couple dozen ugly stupid demons... But since there aren't very many massacre-worthy demons here, and I'm not allowed to kill puny ningens, yeah, I guess television is a good enough distraction..."
"A distraction, eh?" She smiled, walking closer to him. "Like me?"
"Hey, whoa, if you guys are gonna be all mushy touchy kissy--" Yusuke started, but they ignored him.
"Yeah, I guess, kinda like you," Hiei said, allowing her to back him against the wall. "But you're far better than any television could ever hope to be."
"Oh yeah?" She put her hands on the wall on either side of his head, leaning closer. Hiei put his hands on her hips. "Yusuke's watching us," she said in the same seductive voice she'd been using for the past few minutes.
"I don't care," Hiei replied quietly.
"Alrighty then." She closed the very small distance between them and pressed her lips against his.
"Hey, um, guys?"
Shadow, without even faltering in her kiss, flipped him off.
"Do you really have to do that?"
"Oh, for the love of God, if you don't like watching it, DON'T!" Kurama snapped from downstairs.
"Shut up, fox!" Yusuke snapped.
"That's what I thought," the boy muttered downstairs. Yusuke returned his attention to the couple, only to find they were no longer there. In the two seconds he'd not been looking at them, they'd moved from the wall to... Somewhere else... where else was yet to be determined...
He walked down the hall and peered into Shadow's room. Uh-huh. There they were, on Shadow's bed. As he'd expected the entire time. They weren't kissing anymore, though.
He stopped in the doorway, watching Shadow remove Hiei's shirt.
"He was naked a few minutes ago. You could have pinned him then and saved the trouble of removing clothes," he pointed out.
"Fuck off, Yusuke," Hiei snapped.
"No way. She's taking off your clothes. This--"
"AH HA! So you really secretly do want to see Hiei naked! You want to jump him in a dark alleyway and rape him!"
Hiei shuddered underneath her. "If you're gonna rape me, please choose a more appealing place. There's all kinds of disgusting things in dark alleyways. If I don't get an STD from you, I'd probably get one from lying on the ground."
"Naked," Shadow felt the need to add.
"I'M NOT GONNA RAPE YOU! JEEZ! THAT'S GROSS!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot, you're a homophobic asshole!" Shadow snapped. "Homophobe! It's okay for Hiei to see you naked but it's not okay to rape him?"
"What?" the two guys said in unison, totally clueless as to the significance of her last statement.
"Nothing. Jeez. Now if you'll pardon me, I've got some fondling and torture to catch up on, so I'd be much obliged if you'd leave."
"Fondling and torture?" Hiei asked. "Are you sure you should really do that with them in the house?"
"You're just trying to delay the inevitable so maybe you can get my pants off when I finally do fondle you."
"I don't want to get your pants off!" Hiei snapped. "How many times have I told you that!"
"You don't want... Fine... I understand..." She sniffled, getting up. "I'll just go molest Youko... He wants to get my pants off..."
"Shadow, that's not what I meant and you know it!" Hiei snapped. "And if I ever find out Youko saw you with your pants off, I'll kill him."
"He's seen me in a bikini, does that count?"
"So have I," Yusuke offered.
"I know, so have I," Hiei said. "Point is, Shadow..." He grabbed her and pulled her back down on top of him. "You have no idea how much I would like to have sex with you, but the time is not right."
"What are you waiting for? The next full moon?" Yusuke asked.
"Maybe I'm just waiting for you to leave!" Hiei snapped. "Gods, you're annoying."
"Fine. Asshole." But he didn't leave.
Shadow nuzzled her boyfriend's neck. "I wuv you, Hiei." Then, in a lower voice, "Let's act really gross."
"I love you too," Hiei replied, then murmured, "Such as?"
"Follow my lead." She began kissing him, very, very lustfully, her hands moving frantically, grasping at his skin, her hips pressing against his. Hiei moaned, mimicking her actions, tugging her shirt off over her head.
Yusuke stared in utter... well, who knows what. Confusion at them suddenly being so intimate right in front of him. Horror at the suddenly being so intimate in front of him. Horror because this seemed to be going a little bit farther than kissing and touching. Finally, even though he did find something appealing about this, he tried to stop them.
"Guys? Hey! Guys! Stop it! STOP IT! HEL-LO!"
Kurama had been on his way upstairs, curious as to the quiet from Yusuke, and at this he sped up and reached the doorway quickly. His jaw dropped, and just like that, Youko Kurama was standing there.
"Oh, wow..."
Upon hearing his voice, Shadow let out a screech and flung herself away from Hiei, rolling right off the bed. Hiei lay there panting.
"Oh, this won't do at all," Youko muttered. "You guys can't just stop like that! Just when it was getting good!"
"Young man! Such perverted thoughts will get you no where but Hell!" Shadow shouted, standing up and somehow wearing a nun's habit (probably because it was one of the least revealing pieces of clothing that popped into her mind when she realized Youko had just seen her on top of Hiei with no shirt on).
Yusuke was staring at them, his face red. Youko looked utterly disappointed. Hiei was still lying on the bed, his breathing returned to normal, but he continued staring up at the ceiling. Shadow sighed and removed the nun's habit. The fox looked hopeful for a minute, but she was wearing a pair of short shorts and a t-shirt under it. He sighed and went back to looking disappointed.
"You don't look well, Hiei," he noted, walking into the room and sitting on the edge of the bed. "Something wrong?"
"Nothing of your concern. Now leave, I need to talk to Shadow."
Youko stared for a minute. "Let's see. You two were just making out rather passionately, touching and groping and stroking all over each other, both of you shirtless, and suddenly you need to talk to Shadow? Wouldn't have something to do with... Mr. Happy, would it?"
"Oh, shove it, Youko," Shadow snapped.
"Where would you like it?"
Hiei sat bolt upright, snarling like a rabid dog. "Leave, fox."
"Good lord... Pissy today, aren't we? Come on, Yusuke. I guess I'll go pick on Shuuichi's friend with benefits... Stupid ningen..." He slammed the door behind him.
"What is it, Hiei?" Shadow asked.
"It was very difficult for me to restrain myself during that little display," he admitted. His girlfriend smiled, straddling him.
"Don't bother controlling yourself, koishii. I don't mind if you get a hard on. I'll even suck you off if you want."
"WHOA!" The door burst open. "You're gonna suck him off? Can I watch?"
Boom. Two irate fire demons launched off the bed and tackled Youko, knocking him backwards into Yusuke and sending them both toppling to the floor. The fox's fall was cushioned by Yusuke's body, but Yusuke hit the floor with a couple hundred pounds on top of him, and had all the air knocked out of his lungs.
"Ooh. This is a very awkward position for me," Youko said. "Usually I'm on top, but if--"
"Death to you," Shadow snarled, getting right up in his face.
"HOLY SHIT!" Eclipse cried, standing at the top of the stairs. "An orgy! Don't you typically do that in a bed?"
Youko smirked. "Yes." He pulled Hiei against him. "But when you've got a couple passionate, horny fire demons after you, you've got do it whereever they choose."
"You really are gay," Hiei said with disbelief.
"I'm not gay, Hiei, I'm just playing."
"Yeah, with my nipples... Let go of me, you creep." (sorry, couldn't resist...)
"Don't worry," Shadow said, embracing Hiei as he stood up. "You've still got Yusuke there. He doesn't seem to be resisting."
"He's unconscious," Eclipse said, poking the black-haired boy.
"Really?" Youko said. He sat up and looked at the boy behind him. "Wow. He is. Must've had an overload from all this sexual stuff that's been going on in the last few minutes."
"Actually, I think having a couple hundred pounds of demon fall on him might have had something to do with it, but I could be wrong," Hiei said off-handedly.
"Oh, go shove something up your ass," Youko snapped.
"Why don't you? You'd probably enjoy it more than I would anyways!"
"Yeah, probably, because you've always got a stick up your ass anyway!"
"He does not!" Shadow protested. "I'd know about it if he did!"
"It's a figure of speech."
"Oh."
I know I'll probably get bitched at for the 'I'm just playing' thing there in that last bit... I know Youko isn't gay. But I've taken a strong liking to shounen-ai etc. and I just like to tease you all. XD Don't worry, Kurama's not gonna suddenly realize he loves Hiei and jump on him and make mad passionate love to him, only to have Shadow walk in on them and then kill them both... My stories continue to keep all the main characters in straight couples... If I want a bunch of gays in my stories, I'll introduce OCs... But I don't really think the addition of gay couples will particularly improve the story by any great leaps and bounds...
Now... Love me, love my story, and love Sesshoumaru. Because he visited me in a dream last night. Cuz I had been worshipping him before I went downstairs to watch Inuyasha and found it was in SPANISH. WHY WAS INUYASHA BROADCAST IN SPANISH LAST NIGHT?
Anyways... Love Sesshoumaru. Love me. Love my story.
Oh! Read hColleen's new story "Dark Thoughts." I think it's on my favorites... If you think Karasu's a freak in MY story, go read him IN CHARACTER! It's Karasu's POV of the Dark Tournament... sulking around staring at Kurama's... erm...blood.Freak. XD But that's why I love him.