Whoops, forgot the disclaimer last time. Of course I don't own Xenosaga. ( Sniffle ) Couldn't I just have chaos? I'd take really good care of him. No? Phooey.

Angel of chaos

Chapter Three: The Fading Light

"So, tell me why I shouldn't have that android of yours torn limb from limb and thrown the hell off my ship?"

Shion trembled inside, but stood her ground, gazing squarely at the seething, menacing bulk of Captain Matthews. Of all her friends, only Allen and Jin were there to back her up. Jr. was watching them, leaning against the opposite wall with his arms crossed, but his gaze was dark and he wouldn't look at her directly. MOMO was in the infirmary with Ziggy and the rest of the wounded, and chaos…

She couldn't think about chaos now.

Captain Matthews looked furious enough to grab a wrench and take KOS-MOS apart himself. In truth, she couldn't blame him.

"Captain Matthews," she said, trying to be calm. She couldn't let him see her fear. "Please, try to be reasonable."

"Reasonable!" he roared, so that Hammer flinched and Tony made himself very small in his seat. "Three of my crewmen are dead, my docking bay is trashed, and one of my best engineers may yet die! Because of that android! She's been a time bomb, ever since we were coerced into taking you aboard. I should've never let her hijack my ship in the first place!"

"It wasn't KOS-MOS' fault," Shion argued desperately, at the same time feeling a surge of betrayal towards her friends and everyone around her. "She was being controlled by an outside force. It's been taken care of now." Or, so she hoped. Whatever chaos did to KOS-MOS seemed to jolt her back to normal, and she prayed that whatever madness took the android would not appear again. Her own faith in KOS-MOS had been severely shaken; she couldn't imagine what Captain Matthews and the others were going through. On the one hand, KOS-MOS had them helped defeat the patriarch and had saved their lives several times in the past. On the other, she had just put her fist through the kindest, gentlest, most easygoing member among them, apparently for no reason. For the briefest of moments, Shion wondered if KOS-MOS knew something they did not; that maybe chaos was a danger to them, and she had to take him out before he betrayed them all. He certainly was the most closemouthed about himself….

….but no, that was ridiculous. She couldn't imagine chaos ever wishing them harm.

"Captain," came the calm, steady voice of Jin behind her. "I sympathize with your loss. Truly, I do. However, the fact remains that KOS-MOS is Vector property, and is out of your jurisdiction. If anyone is to decide her fate, it will be Shion's employers."

Shion loved her brother at that moment. He hadn't known them very long, but the bonds of loyalty were very strong with him. He respected his allies, and would do whatever he could to protect them. Even if some of them weren't flesh and blood.

Matthews made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat and turned to Jr. "Little master?" he asked desperately. Hoping perhaps, that the red haired gunslinger would order KOS-MOS' destruction, or at the very least her ejection from the ship.

Jr. flicked angry blue eyes at Shion. It was the first time she could remember his anger directed solely at her. Reckless and hot-headed as he was, she had seen that piercing glare pointed at others—Albedo, the patriarch, even Ziggy—but never her. And never with the level of rage she was feeling from him now. Her heart sank and tears threatened, but she faced him squarely. She had to be strong.

Jr. took a deep breath to calm himself, and pushed himself away from the wall. "chaos was—is—my friend," told her quietly, his glare searing holes in her forehead. "I've known him longer than anyone, and he's saved my life on more than one occasion. If he dies, I'll never forgive you."

Shion held her breath. Jr. held her with his burning gaze, then sighed and looked away.

"But, you're my friend too," he muttered, and some of the red hot rage seemed to leave him. "And KOS-MOS, well, I've fought beside her long enough to consider her an ally, if not someone you can really be buddy-buddy with. What happened today wasn't her fault. And, if chaos and MOMO were here, they'd say the same thing."

Hope swelled in Shion's breast, and she looked to Jr. in gratitude. "Jr…."

"Besides," he went on, suddenly thoughtful, "KOS-MOS has a destiny, right? We all saw it. Maybe she'll end up saving us all." He blinked and turned bright blue eyes on her. "But, until we reach the Kukai Foundation, I'd like it if KOS-MOS remained offline. Maybe Gainum can give us some answers when we get back. But, for now, I don't want to take any chances."

"I understand," Shion said. It wasn't the best situation, but it was better than the alternative. "Thank you."

One corner of his mouth quirked in a humorless grin. "I don't think I'm the one you should be thanking at the moment," he said darkly, and Shion heard the fear in his voice. He was trying to be tough; to be strong for the sake of his crew, but she knew what he was thinking. She could see it in his eyes. Am I going to lose someone else I care about?

Shion swallowed the lump in her throat. "I'm going to see him now," she stated, feeling her stomach clench. "Are you coming, too?"

Jr. nodded. "In a little while," he said, turning away. "I have to talk to the captain. Tell him….tell him I'll be there soon, okay?"

She heard the waver in his voice and nodded. "I will," she promised, and left the bridge.

MOMO was already there, sitting vigilant by his bedside, her amber eyes glistening in the dim light. Shion, catching sight of the still form on the bed, felt something terrible wrench at her heart, and she bit her lip to keep from crying.

chaos lay on his back, his breathing shallow and irregular, his skin a pale, washed out color. Bandages were wrapped around his torso, but Shion could see blood soaking through the ones on his chest.

MOMO glanced at her as she walked up, frightened and terribly sad. "How is he?" Shion asked, wondering why she was whispering.

The little Realian shook her head. "Not good," she whispered back, and her lip trembled. "They're not sure….he'll make it through another twenty-four hours. We've done all we can for him. Now, we can only wait." She took a ragged breath; it sounded like a sob. "Shion….what will we do if he dies?"

Shion shook her head, pulling MOMO close. It hurt to see chaos lying there, so close to death, knowing he had given all to protect them. She wondered if he any family who would mourn his absence. Or, were the people aboard this ship the only ones who cared?

She hugged MOMO tighter. "We'll make sure he is never forgotten," she whispered, feeling her own voice tremble with emotion. "That is all we can do."

"Boss?"

Wilhelm didn't turn from the window, but his red eyes flashed annoyance, unseen by the Red Testament standing behind him. "Yes?" he asked mildly.

"The White Knight…er…Zarathusa…wants to talk to you."

Wilhelm resisted the urge to sigh. "Tell him I will be there shortly."

"Sure thing, Boss." The red cloaked being bowed and departed. Wilhelm did sigh then, shaking his head.

In the reflection of the glass, the Compass of Fate spun and danced. Its erratic patterns seemed to mock him as he turned back, narrowing his eyes.

"I can't feel you anymore, Yeshua," he murmured. "Have you permanently bowed out? How can I do this without you?"

The Compass whirled slowly, taunting him, its surface as dark and elusive as his thoughts.

It felt like she had been sleeping forever.

Where am I? she wondered, gazing around an infinite void. There was nothing here; it was so very cold. She shivered, and then, another thought came, unbidden:

Who am I?

Images filled her mind, memories come to life after an eternity of being forgotten. Shion Uzuki, her creator. Her bumbling assistant. The Durandal. Gnosis.

She frowned, confused. No, not forgotten. She remembered these things. None of it was new. What surprised her were the feelings she experienced when she saw them. Warm affection for Shion, combined with a blinding, unquestionable loyalty. Disdain for Allen. A mixture of loathing and wonder at the monstrosities called the Gnosis.

I am KOS-MOS, she thought, as memories filled her, images of her fighting the Gnosis, talking to Shion, meeting her allies for the first time. But, I am not KOS-MOS. KOS-MOS is a machine, an android who cannot feel. I can sense her sleeping, all around me. Am I inside her, then? What am I?

"You are her true self. Her soul. Awakened long before it was time for you to appear."

Startled, she turned toward the new voice. A girl stood there in the inky darkness, glowing with her own inner light. A child.

KOS-MOS blinked. Another memory, this time of two children, skipping around a dead tree. She shuddered and pushed the image away. I know you.

The child nodded. "Yes. We have met before. But this meeting has come far too soon."

Too soon? Am I not supposed to be here, then? KOS-MOS, or her awareness, felt a flicker of sorrow from somewhere deep inside. She had been sleeping for so long; there were so many things she wanted to see, to experience, to feel. She shook her head, trying to sort everything out. I don't understand. I am a part of KOS-MOS; how could my waking too soon be harmful to her?

The child regarded her with enormous, clear blue eyes, her shining amber locks drifting lazily in the darkness. "I fear your host is not yet ready for you," she explained gently. "It would be too much of a shock; her systems would shut down and she would be rendered useless." Nephilim—yes, that was her name—put her arms behind her back and cocked her head. "Even now, you think in terms of "me" and "her." You are not a single entity, as you were meant to be. If KOS-MOS were to awake to find you here, she would see you as an intruder. It is not time for you yet. You must return to your hibernation."

But, how is it I am here, then? she argued, not wanting to return to that dark, dreamless nothing. How could she? She was aware now; it was difficult to return to nothingness when you knew what you were leaving behind. If I am not supposed to wake, who could have called to me but KOS-MOS?

And Nephilim sighed.

"Yeshua touched you," she murmured, in a voice that held all the sorrow of the world behind it. KOS-MOS gasped as she felt a surge of emotion so strong, she almost cried out. Memory came flooding back; chaos appearing in front of the doors of the Elsa; chaos standing in the shadows of the ship hanger, eyes drawn and sorrowful; chaos facing her in the fiery hell of the docking bay.

chaos dying at her feet….

I killed him. Horror filled her, and she sank to her knees, too empty to even cry. If she could, she would have wept; screamed out her loss and despair. For Shion, and for the people she had hurt, all the people KOS-MOS had killed without a thought. For chaos, striving to protect everyone at the cost of his own happiness. For her own feelings of longing, hope, and friendship, imprisoned within a hunk of cold metal that could not feel. And for a love that could never be, even if the android KOS-MOS did realize she was in love with chaos; had always been in love with chaos.

And now, he's gone. By my own hand. Shaking, KOS-MOS clenched her fist to her chest, wishing she could reach into her host's cold body and tear out the device that passed for a heart. Briefly, she wondered if the soul of an android went to the same place as an angel's. It didn't seem likely. chaos was pure and beautiful and kind. She had no place with him.

He's gone, she whispered again, sinking deeper into her despair, and he'll never know how I feel. I never told him. The memory of chaos' mournful smile cut into her heart; she knew what he would be saying if he could hear her. "It's all right, KOS-MOS. We all do what we have to, as much as we can. This was my decision; it wasn't your fault."

She felt Nephilim watching her with unblinking cerulean eyes. "He is not yet gone," she stated softly. KOS-MOS jerked her head up, hope flaring within her. But, Nephilim's young, ancient face was grim. He lives still, but his essence is fading. I cannot find him; he has retreated deep inside himself and will not answer my call. I fear he is willing himself to die, for Yeshua cannot be killed so easily."

Take me to him, KOS-MOS said immediately, rising to her feet. She didn't think twice about it. If chaos was alive, she was not going to let him slip away from her without a fight. Even if it was a one-in-a-million chance to save him, she had to try. Wryly, she thought that KOS-MOS the android would give her much grimmer figures, but she couldn't let that deter her. I will find him, she promised the girl standing across from her. I will find him and bring him back to us.

Nephilim regarded her solemnly, her brow furrowed in thought. Finally, she nodded. "Yes. Perhaps you can reach him where I have failed. Perhaps your voice will call him back from the void, the one who is most prominently in his thoughts." Another pause, and she seemed to make up her mind. "Very well, then. I will take you. But, I warn you, it will be a dangerous journey. What Yeshua presents to the world, and what is really there on the inside, are two entirely different things. You will see things no mortal mind has a right to see, or can even comprehend. And if Yeshua truly does not want to be found, you could wander an eternity searching for him. So, you must be absolutely sure, KOS-MOS. Are you willing to do this? Will you face Yeshua's darkest side for the chance to save him?"

KOS-MOS shivered, but remembered the look on chaos' face when she attacked him that final time. Pale, but determined. He knew what he had to do, and accepted it without hesitation. If he could do that for her, than she could face whatever terrifying memories he kept locked within himself to bring him back. Yes, she told the girl, looking her straight in the eye. I understand what I must do.

The child nodded, than held out one small, glowing hand. KOS-MOS stared at it a moment, then reached out to grasp it firmly, feeling the delicate fingers curl around her own.

There was a flash, and then the spot where they stood was empty; only an inky blackness remained. Inside her chamber, the android KOS-MOS slept the dreamless sleep of the dead, unaware that right above her in the infirmary, she was about to enter a much darker dream.

To be concluded…

Wow. I've gotten so many awesome reviews, I'm rather humbled by them. Truly. Thank you, everyone. Almost done now. For everyone who encouraged me to finish this, you guys kept me going. I hope the last chapter holds up to everyone's expectations. Guess I'll never know until it's done. Thanks again.

Silverkitsune.