No notes. Only angst. Lots of it. Thanks to the reviewers! Without you, this story gets really boring….I love all the encouragement, and I apologize profusely for not specifically mentioning all your names in a thanks at the end. But I'm thinking you'd rather I post more quickly…?

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"The rainy season

The silkworms are ailing

In the mulberry field."

Matsuo Basho

Edo

Chapter 10

Ken followed Ran inside and out of the night air, panting heavily. He could practically feel the man's shoulders tense in front of him every time he coughed. Ran was angry. And it had made him very, very quiet.

Although Omi had not told the ronin about Ken's all-day practice in the rain, he did tell Ran when he found Ken outside in the garden after dinner, shirtless once again and moving through several intense forms with Ryuuta's hand-claws beneath the moonlight. Apparently, neither man felt the weather was as pleasantly warm as Ken did, and Omi had told Ran 'for Ken's own good'.

When Ran had come outside to see for himself, Ken swore he could actually feel the temperature drop. The man had hardly spoken to him after that; only enough to tell him to get the hell inside. Now. Somehow, the tone of the man's voice had pushed Ken from indignant to sheepish, and he had come inside without questioning.

Now, however, as he stood panting and sweating and regarding a frowning Omi and a silently fuming Ran, his anger came in full force, backed by the adrenaline and unreleased tension thrumming through his body. Ken crossed his arms, careful of the claws that were still strapped to his hands, and glowered at the two of them. Ran turned and stalked over to the doorway, slamming the door to their room shut in a rather unnecessary show of a temper tantrum. When the ronin turned around, Ken saw his jaw unlock itself as the man prepared for speech.

Omi, however, beat him to it.

"Ken-kun, I thought we already worked out a good routine for practicing. That didn't include practice at night. Shirtless. " Omi's emphasis on the word 'shirtless' was not lost on Ken, and he flinched slightly at the accusation, not having to hear the 'again' that should have ended the sentence to know it was there all the same. He shrugged as casually as he could manage and glared at the wall.

"I had the energy. And I'm way behind. I need to catch up however I can." he replied tightly. Both he and Omi jumped as a loud 'bang' echoed off the walls of the room like thunder.

"Dammit Ken! How're you 'catching up' by doing your best to push yourself too far? By openly risking illness again? Neither Omi nor I have the stupidity to practice at night with no clothing on in the winter. What the hell is the matter with you? Are you trying to die?" Ran was fuming, panting as if he'd run a marathon, and his fist was planted so firmly against the wall that Ken was surprised the man hadn't made a hole in it with his outburst. Omi visibly cringed. Ken just growled, his anger reaching its own personal boiling point.

"Fuck you! Do you think I'm some kind of fucking child? That I can't take care of myself? That I don't know my own limits? Do you have any idea what kind of training I've been through before this? This is nothing! I know my own fucking limits, and I know my own body. I'm not stupid enough to get sick again for fuck's sake!" he roared, stalking across the room to stand nose to nose with the ronin. Ran returned his glower with an impressive one of his own. Ken conceded the man may just have him beat in that department. His glares didn't speak nearly as well as the ronin's.

"When you pull shit like this, yes, I think you're that stupid, and yes, I think you don't know how to handle yourself. What kind of idiot practices at night with no shirt on while he's coughing his lungs up?" the man growled back, pushing himself into Ken's face threateningly. Ken vibrated with rage for a moment before the tension suddenly drained out of him, and his shoulders sagged in defeat. He backed away from Ran, not looking at him anymore, instead studying the floor at his feet.

Ken knew he couldn't continue the argument any further without being directly and ungratefully insulting. No matter what he felt about the issue, Omi and Ran had taken care of him; saved his life, and Ken owed it to them to do as they suggested without argument.

But that didn't stop him from feeling sick inside at the fact that they still thought of him like an invalid who was too weak and feeble-minded to care for himself. Maybe it was true. Maybe he was becoming a weak and feeble-minded person. Maybe they could see something he couldn't. Maybe they were afraid he'd fail again. He felt so much more fragile now sometimes, like at any moment he could happen upon Kase in town; like all of his nightmares, where he did, and Kase accused him relentlessly of his sins. Maybe he would fail again. Maybe he'd never be able to function properly, because he couldn't seem to put himself back together sometimes.

"I'm sorry." The quiet murmur seemed to shatter the angry tension in the room and replace it with a different kind of tension.

"Ken-ku—"

"You're right. Maybe I am that stupid. I'll try to be more careful next time. I'm going to bed now." he cut Omi's worried call off quietly, still refusing to look at either of them, suddenly embarrassed of himself beyond words. The scars on his chest and torso blurred in the soft light and Ken fought in horror to control the tears threatening to spill over. He turned away and walked to the window, sliding the shoji aside quickly and sticking his whole body out of it in an attempt to get some fresh air. To stop the tears from coming.

It wasn't working. The moon was still blurred when he looked at it, and Ken felt sick as his shoulders jerked on the first silent sob. He lowered his head and stared at the bushes beneath the window, and tried very very hard to pretend that he was alone.

Silence reigned for what seemed like an eternity. Ran felt his chest squeeze and ache painfully as his eyes followed Ken's every movement, his every nuance. Anger he could deal with. Rage, biting comments, irrational brawls, all of them he could handle without hardly turning a hair. But he didn't know how to handle this. It seemed every time they had an argument, Ken turned his anger in on himself, and Ran had no idea how to stop it. He only knew he had to, because it was hurting him too. Ken hated himself. The thought made Ran's breath come in more sharply, made his heart ache a bit more every time he saw the signs of it. And the rage he felt came from the fact that he didn't know how to stop it.

Truthfully, Ran knew he shouldn't have been so angry, shouldn't have yelled. But what Ken had been doing; when he'd seen the man beneath the moonlight, the metal of his weapons flashing silver, Ran had seen the look on that face. Ken had looked utterly determined. Determined to prove himself, to be perfect, and Ran knew that even if Ken had been sick, he would have continued until his body refused to hold him upright any longer.

The only thought that had crossed his mind was that Ken had gone from consciously trying to self-destruct, to subconsciously doing it, which had terrified him all the more. The rage that had came in and swept over the fear had felt good, empowering even; but that had only lasted until he'd seen Ken's body turn in on itself, the shoulders slumping in miserable defeat. It was then that Ran realized he'd made another rash and very avoidable mistake with the ninja. When would he ever learn to get his temper under control? He hoped he could get a leash on it before it did any more damage.

He saw Omi sigh heavily out of the corner of his eye and start towards Ken firmly.

"Ken-kun. Please. We can't help you if we don't know what's wrong…" one pale hand found Ken's bare one and rested against it lightly, in sharp contrast to the ninja's golden skin. Blue eyes widened when he felt the slight jerking beneath his fingers.

"Oh, Ken-kun…" Omi's voice sounded heart-broken as he slide his arms around Ken's shoulders. Ken tried once or twice to get away, but the attempts were half-hearted at best, and Omi only held on tighter. Ran envied him the simple touch, although he wondered what had spurred the youth into hugging.

"I'm sorry. I'm trying so hard…" the whisper was weak, and there was a suspiciously wavering edge to it that had Ran's feet pulling him closer from his post across the room.

"Ken-kun, we know that. We just don't want you to try too hard, ne? You've already come so far. It's amazing how quickly you healed. We don't want you to undo all of the work you've put into this…" Omi replied kindly. "Take it easy, ok? You should practice, but you don't have to work yourself into the ground. We're very well hidden here, and no one's going to find us, so take all the time you need." Ken's shoulders only jerked harder beneath his silent sobbing. Didn't Omi understand that he didn't want to take anymore time at all? That he was ashamed he'd even needed it in the first place? "…I'm sorry." it was all he could seem to utter, and it didn't express his emotions nearly enough.

"Ken-kun…" Omi sounded lost.

Ran heard something in the quiet murmur that brought him the rest of the way to Ken's side. Tentatively, he rested a hand on the brunette's shoulder, and nearly yanked it away when he felt movement. He frowned, trying to process the motion. Shivering? No. There was a sort of random pattern to it. It was…

Ken was crying. The man was sobbing. Something inside of Ran's heart froze and without thinking he gathered the brunette from Omi's arms and into his own. He pulled the man inside and onto the floor, Ken winding up half in his lap. This was serious. Ken was in pain. His wounds may have healed, but that didn't mean that he wasn't suffering still. Those wounds, after all, had only been physical. But Ran didn't know how to make these kinds of wounds better.

"I'm sorry Ken." He whispered, bringing his lips down to the man's ear. "I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I could stop it." Ken seemed to soothe at the sound of his voice, and Ran allowed his hand to trace slow patterns across the ninja's back gently. Ken's fingers fisted into the cloth of his haori, but the man said nothing. His sobs were slowing into something less powerful, and that was enough for Ran. He looked up at Omi, startled to see tears running down the youth's own face.

"Omi…it's alright. It's late. Why don't you try to get some sleep ne? We'll work this out better after we've had some rest I think." Omi nodded, fingers clenching and unclenching in his haori uncertainly. If it was one thing Ran had learned about Omi in the small time that they'd been together, it was that the youth couldn't stand the sight of suffering.

"Do you…do you need anything Ran-kun?" he asked softly, needing to do something. Ran smiled up at him, failing to notice the way it seemed to ease the youth. It was the first time Omi had ever seen him smile, and somehow, it made him feel as if everything just may be alright.

"Yes. How about some tea? Then get some sleep." Ran replied softly. Omi nodded and excused himself to do just that, grateful for something to occupy himself with.

A small smile found itself on his face as he closed the door behind him. Only moments ago, he'd been afraid and upset, unsure of what to do for Ken; unsure of what the man needed to heal the other wounds he'd been dealt. But the answer had come in the next instant when Ran had taken the man into his arms. He had moved out of instinct, and unlike when Ken had been stiff in Omi's arms, he had gone into Ran's without questioning. Ran's voice seemed to soothe the ninja instantly, and Omi realized that he was staring at the solution to Ken's problems at that very moment. He'd seen it in the tears that Ran hadn't realized were rolling down his face. He'd seen it in the soft whispers, the clenching of fingers. Omi knew he could leave the room and go back to his own bed with a clear mind and lighter heart. Of course, that was after he rang for tea. Ken was so very lucky, to have found someone like Ran. And Ran too, was lucky.

Omi hoped that luck was going to extend to the stickier particulars of their situation as he approached his room. He hadn't had the chance to tell Ran in all the confusion.

He hadn't had the chance to tell Ran about Kase. Because Omi had seen Kase. Not three hours ago. Right up the street. And he had a horrible, sick feeling that the reunion was not going to be a happy one. Assuming Ken even survived it.

When he finally lay down in his futon, his lighter mood had evaporated, and sleep evaded him as silkily as a snake.

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Ken didn't know how long he'd sat there before the aching of his chest and back told him he needed to shift his rather awkward position. Not that Ken had to pay them any heed of course.

He was disgusted with himself. He wondered if Ran was too at this point. Ken had just cried all over the man's lap like a weeping princess upset over an arranged marriage and the man hadn't had much to say about it. He'd murmured something in the beginning, but Ken hadn't understood what he'd said. He only understood that somehow, like all those times when he was delusional and suffering from his wounds or burning with fever, the mere sound of Ran's voice reached him and soothed him when nothing else would.

But Ken was coherent now. And he was afraid to even breathe. He was afraid to break the peace that had settled upon the two of them, because that meant having to face what he'd done. His back started throbbing double time in protest, much to his annoyance.

Ran solved the issue by gently shifting him so that his back was pressed more fully and comfortably against the ronin's chest. He waited, holding his breath, for the redhead to say something; anything in light of what had just happened. But Ran simply seemed to settle more comfortably against the wall. He felt him reach up and close the shoji with one hand before the same hand came down around his shoulders gently. Ken shivered at the gentle touch. He felt Ran start beneath him.

"I didn't know you were still awake. Your hair is in your face. Are you cold?" he asked softly. Ken shook his head. They sat in silence once more until Ken could no longer bear it.

"I'm sorry." it must have been the tenth time he'd said it in the past two hours, but Ken could not bring himself to care. It was the only thing he felt appropriate to say.

"So you've said. What for?" Ran's voice was gentle. There was no hint of anger or disgust in it. Only a sort of sad curiosity. The lack of accusation caught Ken off-guard, as much as the question did. What was he sorry for?

"Everything." Ken hoped that would clarify. He didn't want to have to trot his sins out in a list. He didn't think he could bear it.

"That's a lot to be sorry for." Ran's thumb traced a gentle pattern against his shoulder. Ken nodded in agreement, feeling rather stupid at having nothing else to add.

"Who're you apologizing for?" Ken frowned. Suddenly he didn't feel so dumb.

"Me. Who the hell else would I be apologizing for?" He winced at the harshness of his words, regretting his brief temper slip. Ran didn't deserve his temper for any reason.

"Hn. That's odd. I don't recall you doing anything that needed to be excused." Ran's voice was still that peaceful, quiet tone; the thumb still rubbing circles on his shoulder. Ken's anger faded to confusion. What the hell was he talking about?

"What?" so articulate. Ken frowned at his inability to communicate his thoughts better. There was a heavy sigh behind him. Ken felt it against his chest and it lulled his own lungs into a more relaxed, steady breathing, making him aware of Ran's heart beating against his back. Ken allowed his bodily functions to match Ran's in pace, feeling himself relax slowly. It felt…nice.

"Ken. You're always apologizing. You've got nothing to apologize for. If you had offended me, do you think I would still be here with you? Omi and I chose to stay with you, even when things got dangerous, and difficult. Do you think we would be risking our lives for you if you've been offending us all this time?" Ken frowned. Somehow Ran was taking his fear of inadequacy and making it seem…well…inadequate.

"No…" he began slowly.

"Then why do you keep apologizing? Ken, who on earth is making you think you need to apologize in the first place?" Ken's frown turned confused again. What an odd question.

"Me." Duh.

"Then maybe you're being a little hard on yourself? If Omi and I don't think you need to apologize, but you think you need to apologize, what does that tell you?" Ran's voice was soft, prompting Ken for an answer.

"That I understand the depth of my sins better than the two of you." Ken answered softly, his tone laced with a bitter irony. Ran sighed heavily again, lulling Ken back into a relaxed state. Two arms wrapped around him suddenly and pulled him tight against the redhead's chest, holding him there. Ken blushed at the warmth and the closeness, unable to stop the memory of his earlier thoughts of Ran. The muscled chest at his back didn't do anything to inhibit those memories.

"Gods. Ken. Please don't do this to yourself. What do I have to say to get through to you?" the desperate edge in that voice shattered any inappropriate thoughts the ninja had been entertaining. Ran sounded….hurt. Ken's heart squeezed and he turned in the man's arms so he was on his knees in front of him. Ran's hold loosened to allow the movement but did not fall away.

Ken drew in a quiet breath. Ran's face looked pained, and his eyes were glinting with suspicious-looking moisture.

"Ran? What's wrong?" the ronin sighed again and gave him a small smile, shaking his head slightly.

You are.

"Nothing…I just….Ken, I just wish you would stop being so harsh with yourself, that's all. Omi's right. You've come a long way. You should be proud of yourself; not trying to set yourself up to take a fall around every corner." It was Ken's turn to sigh heavily. He looked away to the side, frowning darkly.

" …And for the Gods' sake Ken, if you want to get angry, then be angry. It's really difficult to argue with someone who deflates all the time in the face of your fury. How am I supposed to be properly pissed off at you if you keep acting like a kicked puppy?" Ken frowned and punched Ran lightly in the arm, willing to go with the sudden and abrupt change of subject, disorienting though it was. Although perhaps that was the thought of the stoic redhead…trying to tease him. Strange.

"I do not act like a kicked puppy, asshole." Ran grinned.

"Oh, then you have another term for it?" he asked, arching a fine red brow in Ken's direction. Ken flushed becomingly, putting some color back into his cheeks, and then gave Ran another mock punch, with a bit more conviction. Ran winced slightly.

"Yeah, I call it 'not losing my temper inappropriately'." The brunette growled back. "Not like you'd know what this is, or anything. "

Ouch. Ken 1, Ran 0. It was Ran's turn to frown, trying to ignore the fact that it had been his 'inappropriate temper' that had brought Ken to this state in the first place, as it had numerous times before. Although perhaps they could clear things up a bit now.

"I do not lose my temper inappropriately." he grumped half -heartedly. Ken let loose with a loud, triumphant laugh.

"Hah! You even bark at Omi! Talk about 'kicked puppy'!" he shot back. Ran's frown turned into a scowl.

"Hardly. Omi can handle it. I daresay he even asks for it sometimes." he shot back. At Ken's doubtful look he pressed on "He does. You never see it because he's so nice to you all the time." Ken grinned arrogantly, leaning back a bit. Ran became all-too aware of a different sort of tension as he felt the friction in his lap. He grit his teeth against it. Now was not a good time.

"Only 'cause I'm sick. And I'll admit he's kinda easy to play sometimes. But seriously, how can he do anything to warrant your 'wrath'?" Ran smiled knowingly.

"He doesn't. Not much anyways. Sometimes, he just has to be himself. His personality is annoying enough." Ken frowned.

"You get pissed at him 'cause his personality is annoying? And you're telling me that's not like kicking a puppy?" he muttered. Ran's smile widened a fraction and Ken wondered at it.

"Nope. Want to know why?" he asked in an uncharacteristically friendly manner. Ken leaned forward eagerly. Ran ignored the slight twitch in his groin, leaning forward a bit as well, although careful to keep a distance in certain areas. If Ken had noticed he gave no indication. "Because I'm allowed to get pissed off." Ken's face went flat.

"What? What kind of reason is that?" he asked incredulously, leaning back once more. Ran grit his teeth again for a moment before continuing. Maybe now they would get somewhere. He put a hand beneath Ken's chin and forced the man to look him in the eyes, now serious.

"Because it's ok to be angry at others, Ken. It's ok feel hurt. There were other people who are responsible for what happened to you; stop turning that anger inwards. It doesn't matter how stupid it seems sometimes. If you're angry, then let it out. You want to talk about my temper? I think you've got me topped. And that's no easy feat. For you to be turning all of that emotion inwards is unhealthy." when Ken tried to look away, Ran held firm, and forced the ninja to continue looking him in the eyes. He pressed on before Ken could get out a denial.

"It's alright. Really. If I piss you off, then retaliate. I can take it. If Omi pisses you off, let him know. Or punch a tree, a wall, practice intensely for an hour, but in the name of the Gods, don't turn that anger on yourself Ken. Even if it's irrational or misplaced, if you express it, someone will point that out to you. If you keep it to yourself, there's no one to argue back. There's nothing to relieve the stress, and that's no good at all. Because eventually that means you'll let people walk all over you while they tear you to pieces. You'll believe you deserve it, even if you don't. And I don't know if I could handle something like that…"

"Ran…" Ken's eyes had gone wide and they were looking at him in an earnest, half-hopeful, half-fearful sort of way. Ran smiled sincerely, bringing up his other hand to caress Ken's cheek gently.

"Trust me on this..." he whispered softly, their faces slowly inching closer.

In the split second before Ken's lips brushed against his, he heard the brunette whisper "I do."

It was enough. Ran knew bliss as he felt warm, soft lips descend upon his own. After the briefest of moments, Ken pulled back slightly, smiling genuinely.

"Ran…" he whispered again, softly, moving forward so their noses touched and their foreheads pressed together. "I don't know how you do it…every time…I wonder if you know what a beautiful person you are…" It was Ran's turn to choke on the sudden tears.

"No." he murmured, shaking his head vehemently. "Not beautiful Ken, not beautiful." But Ken only smiled, putting calloused fingers against Ran's lips.

"So fucking beautiful…" he continued, kissing Ran's forehead, then the tip of his nose gently, before putting their cheeks together and nuzzling the crook of Ran's neck. He breathed in deeply for a moment, as if he needed Ran's scent the way he needed to breath the air. "Gods, I don't deserve you." He mumbled against the skin there, placing another light kiss. Ran shivered and opened his mouth to contradict the statement, but Ken cut him off again with another gentle kiss upon his lips. Ran felt himself slide back into bliss. Ken parted it after a moment's breath; all too soon for Ran, and rested their foreheads together once again. When the brunette spoke, Ran could feel the rushing of air upon his lips, as if they were sharing the same words.

"But I need you Ran, I need you so much. I'm scared. I'm so fucked-up. Gods I'm sorry." Ken made a choking noise and he buried his head in the crook of Ran's neck once more, breathing deeply as his arms banded around the red-head tightly in a boa-constrictor's grip. Ran swallowed hard against the lump in his throat, wrapping his own arms around Ken and returning the embrace just as fiercely. The corners of his eyes burned, but he ignored them.

"It's alright Ken. You don't have to apologize anymore. Don't be scared. I'm not going to leave you. We'll get through this, and things will be better. You'll see. I promise. Please, please trust me. " he murmured softly against silken brown strands. Ken made another choking noise and pulled back slowly, giving Ran a pained, sad smile.

"I do. With everything I have. Always." He leaned in then, his lips seeking Ran's own desperately, running a soft, wet tongue along Ran's bottom lip in a query for entrance. Ran yielded, pulling Ken's tongue into his mouth eagerly, allowing his response to be cut-short before it had even been uttered. And as the kiss deepened, Ran knew that he needed Ken just as badly. The closeness of their bodies was filling him with a quiet contentment, a gentle peace. And somehow, they were going to make it. Ran would make sure. Nothing was going to stand in his way; absolutely nothing. After all, Ken was counting on him…

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Wow, so there you have it. The start of it anyways. There will be smut, but I'm posting it as a side-story, just to be safe. That way, I don't force anyone to read sexual content if they don't want to, and maybe I can keep myself out of trouble…

SK, how was that for Ken angst? You like?

And HeatherR: Wow. I love you. Seriously. Everyone see why she got me started in the first place? Of course, her writing was also a big help. Your stories are so SUGOI! SEMPAIII:glomp: I wanna write as well as HeatherR!

I hope Ken didn't come out too girly; Ran too for that matter. I know I had some fans who liked the fact that Ken was not such a…er princess in this fic, and I'm hoping to keep it that way while handling Ken's highly emotional state. He's pretty unstable. But who can blame the guy…? Still taking votes on Kase….which will be coming up soon. The smut's gonna go up first, so keep an eye out for it if you're wanting to read it. Ok, I have errands to run and it's getting dark. Argh, to have internet at home:wails:

Jan a!

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