Kakashi laid in bed in silence, his uncertain and distant eyes fixed on the ceiling above, ignoring the Sharingan as it slowly drained him of chakra. There was a vast tear in him, a long-forgotten emotion, one in which he felt confident he was past, emerging once again and making his insides feel the clenching of longing and sadness.
For the first time in a while, Kakashi felt lonely in his room.
But why? The last decade he had been fine, keeping to himself about everything, being friendly but never actually going as far to create friends. He was always so precise in keeping a glass wall between himself and everyone else, so cunning yet deceptive. He couldn't let people get close to him anymore, not after going through so many different friends, so many different loved ones, one after another after another until he felt the own confines of his mind cracking under pressure. Where was he going wrong now? How was it any different?
Was it because he was no longer with the ANBU? Because he didn't necessarily have to mangle bodies and slaughter people who had dreams of their own? Because he didn't have to risk the lives of those under his command every day? Because he didn't have to lose subordinates and report of their loss to their loved ones and friends?
Or perhaps it could be because he wasn't just a jounin now. Kakashi was a teaching jounin, who couldn't go on their own into the battlefield without some drastic strings being pulled? Because he had to interact with genins, no, children, who hadn't even begun to witness the hardships of the shinobi career?
Maybe even the reason why it came up didn't matter anymore. He was alone, without any sort of companionship now, and just realized that this wasn't necessarily what he wanted.
But the problem returned. Was companionship worth risking great loss?
It didn't originally fit with the scheme of his life. He would never let his companions die, so having nothing to lose in life opened greater chances that he could instantly lay it all down on the line without any inkling of hesitation.
But, no, that wasn't his life anymore. It didn't involve a day to day basis of sacrificing everything. Still, these children were going to move on eventually. He had no intentions of growing close to them. And once they did move on, would he return to his usual duties?
Normally, the copy ninja would just ignore the loneliness. Sure, he was still around people. There were fellow jounin colleges, there were the students and other genin, the hokage and even some ANBU members. He wasn't alone in technicality, it was simply a thought that struck him which really disturbed him.
Kakashi would die alone and vanish from the world.
It was a fact that couldn't be outmatched. His students only cared about forwarding themselves in their careers, they wouldn't mourn over him. Hell, they might even enjoy it from the way they complain about everything to him. His colleges wouldn't bother shedding a tear, he couldn't call any of them a 'friend' and almost all of them had gone through the ANBU, through the harshest trials of a shinobi. There was no possible way they would give more than a passing glance. And Tsunade hated him anyway, whether she felt it was insignificant to announce or not. His dogs were animals, passed down and raised by previous Hatake heirs. They probably would feel the worst about it, though still not enough to grope over for a period longer than an hour.
So that was it. One hour after the news of his death, and he would completely vanish from everyone's minds like a reset button.
Man, did that hurt.
Kakashi sighed and rolled over on his side, the blanket he laid sprawled across bunching underneath his shifting body. His thoughts lingered back to the three default fears of man, a little thing Ibiki explained to him and a few others once when the jounins were enjoying coffee. The three default fears of man...
Physical, embarrassment, and meaningless. The physical fears like of spiders or heights. The fear of embarrassment in public. The fear of having no meaning.
What was he thinking, he was a shinobi- a high ranked elite one at that. He had meaning, his sole meaning could mean so many more lives of others.
But what of his death? After he can no longer use his multiple jutsus and quick analysis to benefit the village?
Not a damn thing. He was important as the dirt under their feet that probably only supported a single tree.
Maybe thinking depressed thoughts weren't helping, but why should he care? He was appalled time and again to find himself realizing how rude a lot of the Konoha citizens were. Didn't they care that the shinobi were the ones keeping them safe? No, forget shinobi, didn't they realize that the shinobi were HUMAN too? Why should he be loyal to people who weren't loyal to him?
No! Kakashi slapped his hands over his head while squeezing his eyes closed tightly. He had to get over whatever little phase he was in at the moment, he absolutely REFUSED to think the first thoughts that lead people to become missing-nins, the dreaded and hated nukenins who become loathed and hunted by the very squad he once resided in. It could always be he was too damn exhausted, with what exactly was beyond him, or even he was thinking too hard about it all.
That's right. All he needed was a good night's sleep.
And after staring at the pictures of his old team and new team in the silence of his room, he soundlessly drifted to a restless sleep.
Summary if I continue this: At a perplexing point in his life, Kakashi ponders where teaching his team in taking him to when a nukenin appears and kidnaps the jounin! After disappearing for a week, it's only up to his team 7 and the other jounins to keep his name from being blacklisted and to find out what's really going on.
So, what do you all think:3 Should I continue like I do with too many of my fics and never end up finishing them? sweatdrops Or should I leave it as a one-shot? Review please! huggle
And I am working on updating The Only Thing I Hold Dear before the end of the month, so don't kill me yet people! x.x