Dylan's POV
Wow I never thought that it would go that badly. It never was supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be able to have him and others. He was supposed to understand. The thing is that nothing ever goes the way it was supposed.
He wasn't supposed to find out like that. I was supposed to tell him. That didn't happen. I wish it did cuz the hurt that I saw in his eyes will forever be imprinted in my brain. Never in my life have I ever cared for someone the way I did for Marco. It was my mistake but it didn't seem like it was a mistake at the time. It seemed right for some reason.
What have I done? How could I be so selfish? At the time I didn't see it but now I do. I if could go back I would. This is just killing me inside. I let him down and I know this. I didn't realize this until it was too late but what do you expect of me. Well probably a lot more than what you've seen. So much has happened in such a short time and it's just all bad.
I had really one thing that was good for me and I lost it. It was more like I lost him. I miss him. I miss Marco. It's the only thing that I seem to be good at right? I can ruin a really good relationship in a day. I know I hurt him. I saw it in his eyes. Those eyes held so much of what he was feeling. Those eyes will forever be in my mind just haunting me of what I did to him.
That day I wasn't expecting him and all I really wanted was to just see what I was missing from the college experience without being tied down to just one person. Well now I can do all the exploring I want cuz the one person that I said I loved left me cuz I was selfish. Yea I know I already said that but I am. How could I do that and not be selfish?
I try to forget him I really do but it just doesn't work. All I keep seeing is the pain in his eyes when he opened that door. I see the way that this affected him. I saw the tears in his eyes when he told me he couldn't be with me if I wanted to open the relationship. It almost killed me to see him like that but then I see that I'm the one that made him like that.
I look back to the previous year when we first went out. That was a disaster. The worst part of the whole date was when his parents saw us and wanted us to go to dinner with them. I thought that the bee thing was cute. I mean it was the first time I ever saw someone act like that when they saw a bee. He was so cute when he was flailing his arms around to keep the bee away was just priceless. It's a night that I would never ever want to erase from my memory.
It was worth everything that went on and plus I did get a kiss out of it the next day. Ok more like he got the kiss but I like to think of it as we both got a kiss that morning. He was just the most adorable thing in the world. I know really pathetic huh but I don't care. I shouldn't be like this. This is just the consequences for my actions. It just wasn't supposed to be like this. I know I just keep repeating myself but I can't help it. I just can't get over the fact that I just ruined something that meant so much to me just so I can be like my roommates. So I could be just like everyone else. In a way I cheated on him and never would have thought I would do that.
Well once college comes everything you expect changes. My life sure has changed and that change was not a good one. It was one that I could have lived without. I can't go back and change it now. It's in the past and the past can't be changed but we learn from the past. We learn not to make the same mistake or mistakes again that we made from the past.
I wasn't willing to give him everything even though it felt like I did give him everything. It didn't seem like I was giving him enough. It seemed that he didn't give me enough to make it through or maybe I just wasn't paying attention. I pushed him to do something that is not easy to do. It could have changed his life with his parents and I pushed him to do it. I know that only his mother knows about him but I still pushed him. That is not something I should have pushed on him to do. It just doesn't work like that. I am the worse person in the world.
I wanted him to be the one thing that was constant in my life but he isn't and I don't blame him. Well ok that's a lie on some levels cuz I do blame him for not being my constant thing in life but then I go back and think about as in really think about and I realize that it is my fault. But then most of the pressure on him was because of me. Some of it was for the good and it helped him but some of it just ruined him and I saw it. I saw him being ripped apart from the inside and that was because I just had to have him be perfect in my eyes but I didn't understand that he already was perfect the way he was.
He was the best person I knew and I just threw it all away on some flings that will never last. I threw it away just so I could have my freedom. I threw it away cuz maybe just maybe I was scared of our relationship. I think I threw it away because I just wanted something that I already had but just didn't know it.
So I sit in my room and think of all the dates that we had. All the experiences that we went through together to get where we are this moment. I think about all the pain I caused him and then just imagine what he's going through but the thing is that I don't have to imagine cuz I know the pain that he's feeling. The reason I know the pain he's feeling is because I feel it. The only thing that I really feel right now is brokenhearted but that's my own fault. So I sit here and think about all the times past just to pass the time away cuz it feels that it will never bring on another day.