Disclaimer: I do not own Inu-yasha. If I did, I wouldn't be looking for a summer job.
Author's Note: My only real access to Inu-yasha is through the manga, which I buy. However, I only own up to book eleven, so bear with me. I also own the second movie. (Oh and I have the ani-manga for the first movie.)
The authoress is sitting in front the TV watching Inu-yasha. The image on the screen is of Kikyo kissing Inu-yasha. The authoress subsequently flips out and starts throwing things at the TV and screaming obscenities. The parental units of the authoress then yell at said authoress to be quiet and not hurt the precious television. The authoress, who shall hence forth be known as Anenya since that is such a cool name, (don't argue, just nod like you understand) and I just made it up five minutes ago.
Anyway, Anenya sits down on the couch and gets a thoughtful look on her face. That look is then replaced by an evil grin (my friends know what I'm talking about).
" Muhahahaha (gack! gack+hairball+) I shall now use my amazing, all-powerful authoress powers to, first, pause the TV," says Anenya. Then, out of nowhere, comes the chibi which represents Anenya's common sense.
"That's what the remote is for, you moron!" it says.
"Shut up!" Anenya grabs the remote and pauses the TV. She then causes a truck load of TNT to explode under the Chibi's annoying little a... (Whoops, can't say that. The parentals might be watching.) Anyway, the Common Sense Chibi no longer exists. At least for now.
"And now (cue drum-roll) I shall use my powers to go into the world of Inu-yasha and kidnap Kikyo!" So, with the amazing powers of the authoress, Anenya transports herself into the world of Inu-yasha. She then clubs Kikyo over the head with the remote and drags her unconscious body back to the real world. (But is it really real?)
Kikyo is slowly coming around. "Where am I?"
"My house," chirps Anenya. Kikyo begins to regain her composure.
"And why am I at 'your house'? she asks. The authoress takes a certain pleasure in her answer.
"Kikyo, I have brought you here today to show you that Inu-yasha no longer loves you, he loves Kagome, and that this dirt and bone existence of yours is completely pointless," Anenya states happily.
"I have no idea what you are talking about."
"Oi, I'd say that you had a wooden skull, but we all know that it's made of clay." Anenya sighs.
"I grow tired of your antics little girl," Kikyo begins to activate her priestess powers. However, Anenya is paying no attention. Instead, she is digging around in her backpack.
"I know I put it in here somewhere," she mutters. "Aha! Behold! Anti-priestess ropes!" She flings glowing blue ropes at Kikyo, who is then bound and gagged by the shiny ropes. Kikyo starts to turn blue from lack of oxygen." Opps! It's no good if you die again now, I want you to experience this!" The ropes withdraw from Kikyo's face, but the rest remain tightly tied.
"What the hell is all this!" Kikyo exclaims.
"It's my Anti-priestess ropes," Anenya answers. "This way, you can't move or use your powers. I found them in my BACKPACK OF AMAZING AND USELESS USEFULNESS. Isn't it great?" Kikyo just gives Anenya a cold stare. "Okay, moving on!" She claps her hands and the TV turns into a six-by-six projector screen. A slide projector appears beside Anenya. The lights go down. Kikyo starts to look scared. Anenya keeps talking. "Now, to begin. Observe Exhibit One." The picture on the screen is of Kikyo shooting an arrow at Inu-yasha.
"Here we have you, trying to kill Inu-yasha," Anenya explains
"That was a mistake!" Kikyo yells. "I thought he had tried to kill me. Not to mention he had just attacked the village."
"You say you loved him, yet you have no faith in him. Anyway..." Exhibit Two shows a resurrected Kikyo again trying to kill Inu-yasha.
"I don't think that I need to repeat myself," sighs Anenya. Exhibit 3 shows Kagome leaning against Iny-yasha's chest as the villagers shoot at her. Inu-yasha is still under the spell and is tied to the tree.
"See! Right off the bat they are close," Anenya looks happier every the minute. Kikyo just glares at picture of Kagome. Exhibit 4 is a picture of Kagome on Inu-yasha's back as he runs
"Ah, what a classic."
Exhibit 5 shows Inu-yasha giving Kagome his top to keep her safe.
"Did he ever do that for you?" Anenya asks, with obvious sarcasm. "Oh, here's one of my favorites." Exhibit 6 is a shot of Kagome pinning Inu-yasha to the ground
Kikyo looks horrified by what she sees. "You know," comments Anenya. "When this was taken she had just told him to take off his cloths." Kikyo's face goes very pale.
Exhibit 7 is a picture of Inu-yasha getting really mad and hitting Sessho-maru. "This was because he thought that Fluffy killed Kagome." Anenya continues with her commentary.
Exhibit 8 shows Inu-yasha killing the evil mask thing. "This was the first time he really did something nice for her. See the heroic stance?"
"Didn't she ditch him right after that for some sort of test?" asks Kikyo. Anenya throws remote at her.
"That's beside the point!"
Exhibit 9 is Inu-yasha throwing Tetsusaiga at Maten. "Here we have him, once again saving Kagome...and Shippo."
Exhibit 10 is a nice shot of Inu-yasha looking sad and grabbing Kagome's hand. Anenya sighs, "Aww, how sweet!" Kikyo growls under her breath.
Exhibit 11 is of Inu-yasha with his arm around Kagome, brandishing his sword at Miroku.
"This was when the pervert had just grabbed Kagome's butt, and Inu-yasha freaked out. That tell you anything? And on the same topic..."
Exhibit 12 shows Inu-yasha with a weird look on his face. "Miroku had just asked Kagome to bear his child," Anenya clarifies. Kikyo looks indignant.
"How come he never asked me that?" she wonders aloud. Anenya looks horrified. "Do you want him too?"
"No, but..." Kikyo trails off. Anenya casts a very freaked out look at Kikyo. "Moving on," she says.
Exhibit 13 shows Kagome standing between Inu-yasha and Sessho-maru."This one was just incase you thought you could come up with some sort of excuse that Kagome does nothing for Inu-yasha," says Anenya, shooting Kikyo an accusing glare.
"Damn," says Kikyo.
Exhibit 14 has Inu-yasha leaning over Kagome, looking really worried, as she is unconscious.
"I don't think that that one really needs to be explained."
Exhibit 15 shows Inu-yasha hugging Kagome.
"This is right before he pushes her down the well so she will be safe."
"Or maybe he was just tired of seeing her ugly face." Kikyo grumbles.
"Hey," yells Anenya. "Insult Kagome, you insult yourself." Exhibit 16: Kagome hugging Inu-yasha.
Anenya looks smug as she says: "And now for Exhibit 17." She claps her hands again and the projector screen is replaced by the original TV. "I thought this would be better with sound and motion."
Exhibit 17 is on the screen: (yes, I know this is a direct quote from the manga, and I give complete credit to Rumiko Takahashi, so don't get all wound up about it.)
Kagome: "Am I just Kikyo's replacement?"
Inu-yasha: "What! You Idiot! Haven't I told you over and over again that you're not! Fine, yes, maybe in the beginning I thought you looked a bit like her... But now I know you! To me, you are only you! Kagome, I like it when I'm with you. Somehow I feel calmer..."
The TV turns back into projector screen. After watching, Anenya looks happier than ever. Kikyo looks like she might cry. Exhibit 18 is a picture of Kagome holding Inu-yasha close as they are being menaced by the Peach Man.
"Please note that Kagome is wearing Inu-yasha's shirt."
"That's not Inu-yasha!" Kikyo shouts. "That guy has black hair; Inu-yasha's is white!"
"Oh that's right. You've never seen Inu-yasha in his human form."
"Human form?" Anenya flips through slides for a close up of Inu-yasha in human form.
"Here!" She thrusts the picture under Kikyo's nose. "Look at that face and tell me that's not Inu-yasha!"
Kikyo looks stunned, "It is him."
"Told ya. So, have I proved my point yet?"
"What was your point again?" Kikyo asks.
"Oi, dense much? Okay then, you leave me no choice." The screen is once again replaced by the TV, only this time it's much larger. "It's time for movie clips! We'll start with the first movie."
"No, really? I thought we'd start with the eighth."Kikyo says sarcastically. Anenya looks exited.
"There's an eighth!" At this, Kikyo looks like she wants to do a face-palm, but can't because she is tied up. Anenya presses play button on remote. "Observe our next exhibit."
Exhibit 19 shows part in the beginning during the fight with the scorpion, from the point when Kagome arrives.
"Note all the times Inu-yasha saves her. He also takes a long time to put her down."
Exhibit 20 is of Inu-yasha bandaging Kagome's finger.
"This is right after you left. Now, this one I think you've seen." Exhibit 21 shows Kagome crying because she shot Inu-yasha.
"Ha! See, I wasn't the only one!" Kikyo looks around after her outburst. "Did I say that out loud?"
"I don't recall you crying about it," Anenya accuses.
"I was dead."
"And there was much rejoicing!" Anenya practically sings. (Credit goes to Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
Exhibit 22 is of Kikyo on screen saying: "For I am one of the dead, and as such, I too do not belong here."
"You see! You said it yourself."
"I know," sobs Kikyo. "But I want Inu-yasha to go to hell with me."
"You need to deal with your dependency problems. To Bad! He's not going! Aha! Here we go."
Exhibit 23: The scene where Inu-yasha convinces Kagome to come back to the Feudal Era.
Inu-yasha on screen: -hugs Kagome- I need you with me Kagome. Haven't you realized that yet?
"Wait, Wait," says Anenya. "Let's hear that again." The clip replays.
Inu-yasha on screen: -hugs Kagome- I need you with me Kagome. Haven't you realized that yet?
"Awww." says Anenya again. Kikyo looks like she can't decide whether to cry from sorrow or scream in anger. "And now for our final exhibit from this movie."
Exhibit 24 shows Kagome jumping off of Kirara and Inu-yasha catching her.
"And that boys and girls, is why it's called Affections Touching Across Time. So Kikyo, have I proved my point or do I need to break out the heavy artillery."
"I know he loves me; I know he loves me, I know it, I know it, and I..." Kikyo mutters to herself as she rocks back and forth.
"I thing she's almost lost it. Okay then, time to bring out my ultimate weapon." She pulls out Inu-yasha, The Castle Beyond the Looking Glass. "We'll start near the beginning."
Exhibit 25 shows Inu-yasha holding Kagome as Naraku explodes.
"Speaks for itself."
Exhibit 26, Inu-yasha and Kagome crammed into the picture booth.
Anenya looks at Kikyo, "I get the feeling you're not going to be with us mentally much longer, so I'm just gonna go through these kinda fast." Exhibit 27: Kagome giving Inu-yasha the locket. Exhibit 28: Kagome saving Inu-yasha from the rebounded backlash wave by saying "sit". Exhibit 29: The whole seen by the fire side.
"Sorry, but I have to see that slow head-turn again." Anenya replays the clip.
Exhibit 30 shows the scene where Kagome gets shot by Kaguya and Inu-yasha is all distraught. (Distraught may be an understatement. I seem to remember him telling Kaguya to "go to hell". Such a cheerful lad, no?"
Exhibit 31 is the part where it is revealed that Inu-yasha actually kept the locket.
"And now, for my Coup de Gras..." Anenya cheers. (Cue drum roll.)
Exhibit 32 has Inu-yasha is changing into a demon. Kagome hugs him and yells "I love you as a half-demon, Inu-yasha!" Here Anenya pauses the DVD.
"I would like to point out that you tried to change him into a human. Kagome loves him just the way he is." By now Kikyo has gone white as a sheet and is staring at the TV. Anenya restarts the movie. Exhibit 32 (continued) Kagome reaches up and kisses Inu-yasha.
Kikyo screams. Anenya yells over Kikyo's screaming: "Wait! It gets better!"
Exhibit 32 (continued) (again) Inu-yasha changes back into a half-demon and kisses Kagome back. They break apart, and then he hugs her.
"Well, do you get it now?" Anenya asks as she stops the movie. Kikyo now looks completely insane. "I think I should let you go now." She releases Kikyo from the Anti-priestess ropes. Kikyo runs away and falls off a cliff. THIS TIME she dies. (And there was much rejoicing)
"Crap," says Anenya. "They might need her for the rest of the series." She uses her authoress powers to go into the TV again and steal Sessho-maru's sword. She then comes back to the real world and revives Kikyo. Then, back in the world of Inu-yasha, she leaves Kikyo's unconscious body in a ditch. Before going home, she stops to spy on Inu-yasha and the gang. This is what she sees:
Inu-yasha is staring off into the distance.
"What's wrong Inu-yasha?" asks Kagome.
"These last few minutes I've had this really happy feeling, like I was finally free from something. Now that happy feeling is gone," he replies.
"Don't worry about it." They walk off holding hands.
Anenya then goes home. Sessho-maru never gets his sword back though.
"Muhahaha! I shall create an army of zombie slaves that will obey my every whim! Muhahaha!"
The End