Chapter 7: Epilogue! What Happened Last Time?
A week had passed since the talking scroll had rampaged. The trouble it had caused had indeed started to fade away, but Sasuke still had to borrow Sakura's bra, Neji was still afraid of missions that involved jumping on roofs and Ebisu was still green and fond of flies. The senseis ignored these little hindrances and accepted missions for their students. Kakashi's team had just accomplished their latest one and were now enjoying a cup of -
"Raamen!"
Naruto devoured his portion in half a minute and had seconds.
"Go get some manners!" muttered Sakura and poked him. Naruto ignored her and polished off his raamen. Kakashi had once again managed to eat his without showing his face and was now observing his students, humming to himself.
"Don't you like yours, Sasuke? Let me have it", Naruto asked greedily and tried to grab Sasuke's cup. The only thing he got was a bump on his head. "Ow! If you wanted it, why didn't you just say so, you idiot?"
"The one who is an idiot is you", answered Sasuke looking very annoyed and ate his/her raamen as slowly as possible. To tease Naruto s/he even had seconds.
"I'm really tired", sighed Sakura, who had finished her portion and was now relaxing in her chair. "I hope we're not going to do another mission too soon..."
"If I were you, I wouldn't have high hopes", Kakashi stated. Sasuke glanced at him and placed his/her raamen cup on the table.
"Do you have a plan, then?" s/he asked, his/her voice breaking at the end. The others ignored it - they had already got used to the change of voice s/he was going through. Kakashi seemed to ignore his student's question too. He had pulled Icha Icha Paradise from his pocket and was riffling through its pages, frowning at the still remaining comic panels. Naruto stared at the cup of raamen and saw his chance: his hand surged towards the cup just when Sasuke raised it again. The cup fell as soon as Sasuke noticed where Naruto's hand had landed.
"AAAAAGH!" Sasuke jumped backwards and slapped Naruto on the cheek. "Pervert!"
"Now, Naruto, are you that desperate?" asked Kakashi peacefully.
"It was Sasuke's fault! He took that cup away just when I was about to snatch it!" yelled Naruto, rubbing his cheek. "What are you, anyway? You slapped me, girly boy!"
"Don't you go around stealing other people's food!" Sakura screamed and hit Naruto with a fan. "How dare you blame Sasuke-kun? You're at fault!"
"Calm down, everyone. You too, Sasuke", Kakashi told them, stuffing the book back into his pocket.
"It's that scroll's fault. It made me a girl", mumbled Sasuke and sat down, blushing a little. Naruto agreed totally.
"Talking of that, sensei promised to tell us about the first time the scroll was opened", Sakura said hastily to change the subject.
"That's right!" noted Naruto. "What happened then? What did that Nils guy do to you? Anything really embarrassing? Something like Sasuke? Did you turn into a woman?"
"No", Kakashi answered. "Not me."
"Then who was it?" continued Naruto, leaning over the table. "Let me guess! It was... uh, it was... it had to be Iruka-sensei, right? Iruka-sensei as a girl? What did that look like? Tell us!"
"I didn't say it was Iruka", Kakashi said.
"Naruto, you idiot! Let him talk and don't make stupid assumptions out of nothing!" scolded Sakura.
"But I want to know!" Naruto insisted. Kakashi groaned and straightened to look at his students' eyes.
"I can't guarantee you won't get any nightmares or traumas", he warned in the 'end of the world' tone of voice. "Do you still want to know who it was...?"
"Yes!" shouted Naruto and Sakura. Even Sasuke looked interested.
"Are you absolutely sure about it...?"
"Yes!"
"100-percent positive...?"
"YES!"
"Tell us already", Sasuke grunted. Kakashi grinned under his mask; his eye was gleaming.
"Fine. Have it your way. It was Jiraiya."
"No way. You're kidding us", Naruto responded straight away.
"It's true. But he liked it so much that Nils got annoyed and turned Anko into a man, too."
"You're... you're not lying, are you?" asked Sakura hesitantly.
"Nope", Kakashi answered happily. "Jiraiya was a girl, and Anko was a boy. But that's not all."
"Erosennin as a woman... must be the ugliest sight in the world", muttered Naruto. "Did the scroll make you others blind, or how did you survive?"
"What else happened?" Sakura asked, although she wasn't really sure she wanted to hear more. Kakashi lifted his index finger on his chin to emphasize his thinking and after a moment he continued:
"If I remember correctly, Nils made our headbands magnetic, so that our heads would get stuck together. We spent a couple of weeks locked to each other."
"What's difficult in remembering that?" mumbled Sasuke.
"That's weird. Did the scroll really think it was funny?" Sakura shook her head, only slightly amused. "Who were you stuck with?"
"Gai", Kakashi answered. "I think he was in much pain during that time."
"Gai-sensei? You should've been the one in pain!" Naruto exclaimed.
"I was just a bit bored. It was hard to play cards with our heads so close to each other. Sleeping was difficult, too, and so was going to bathroom", told Kakashi; it seemed like he was enjoying his story. "And when it started to loosen, metallic things would stick in between our heads. Once we carried a pack of kunai around for a whole day. It was a little painful, indeed."
"Why didn't you just take the headbands off?" asked Sasuke, his/her voice breaking again.
"Well, after the Hokage removed his, Nils put extra-lasting glue on ours", Kakashi explained. "In some point, we thought we'd never get rid of each other... but I always thought that I was lucky compared to Asuma - he was with Jiraiya."
"I'd rather take him than Gai-sensei... but wait a minute... I don't know..." mumbled Naruto. "Let's leave that behind. What happened to Hayate-sensei? He's still sick because of it, isn't he?"
"Oh yes", sighed Kakashi. He looked disgusted. "Poor him."
"What did it feed him?" asked Sakura carefully.
"Believe me, you don't want to know", Kakashi said, but agreed to describe a bit: "It was... alive, slimy, full of tentacles and big enough to fill a milk container. What colour was it...?"
"Don't say anymore!" the students cried out. Naruto understood the situation very well. He'd have had permanent consequences too.
"Oh, he just kept screaming..." Kakashi continued absent-minded, absorbed in the painful memories. "We had countless nightmares - "
"We told you to STOP!" shrieked Sakura so loudly that a glass fell on the floor. "Just... what did Hayate-sensei do to make Nils punish him like that?"
"Hayate was", Kakashi answered, "too loud."
"Hayate-sensei?" Sakura was more than surprised. "Loud? He's everything but loud!"
"Yes, now", sighed Kakashi empathically. "He, if anyone, learned his lesson."
"That's... terrible", muttered Naruto.
"And strange too", Sakura pondered. "Naruto was like a bullhorn but Nils didn't stifle him. Just how loud was Hayate-sensei then...?"
"The others looked quite fine", said Sasuke to take their mind off the case.
"As far as is known, only two victims were damaged permanently", explained Kakashi. "Hayate was the other one, and the other was Orochimaru."
"What happened to him...?" Naruto asked.
"He died", Kakashi answered. "Nils killed him."
"Killed...?" squealed Sakura. She was as pale as Orochimaru himself. Kakashi nodded and clarified:
"He called Nils names. Some really bad ones. And tried to destroy him. In ways that were quite inconvenient. Nils did the rice cooker thing to him too - and plugged it in..."
The three students tried hard not to imagine that.
"It was really disgusting when he was half alive and half dead. He wandered around as a zombie for about two weeks. He - ahem - smelt. Not anymore, now he's just quite... unusually coloured."
"Deadish", corrected Naruto. He swallowed a couple of times as he realized that had Sasuke been a bit more rude s/he might have faced the same fate too. After a moment of silence Sasuke cleared his/her throat and dared to ask:
"Was that all...?"
"I guess not", Kakashi said and started pondering. "Other things that happened... I can't remember very well, everybody wanted to forget it afterwards... Oh, right, he made them kiss..."
"What? Who kissed whom?" Naruto howled and pushed his head so close to Kakashi's that if Nils had now magnetized the headbands nobody would have noticed the difference. "Tell me!" Kakashi did as he was told.
"Ebisu and Mizuki."
"No way!" shrieked all the students, including Sasuke. Kakashi grinned sadistically.
"Oh yes they did. I think it was after that when the Hokage got tired of him. The fourth one."
"How is that possible? He died when fighting the Kyuubi! You must remember incorrectly", Sakura argued.
"Did you really think that a fox demon could kill our Hokage? That's just something we came up with", Kakashi sighed. "It would have been embarrassing to tell everyone that he died when sealing an idiot scroll."
After a moment of silence their sensei got up and said:
"It's not suitable for me to mention this to anyone, so keep your mouths shut about this."
"I don't think I want to hear anymore anyway", muttered Naruto. He ran to the bathroom, leaving Sakura to ask:
"But sensei, there's one more thing. How could that scroll do those things?"
"Genjutsu of a certain type. Most jutsus of that type are forbidden, of course", Kakashi told her. "He was able to remember everyone's names because he wrote them on himself when he first heard them, so once your name was revealed, there was no escape."
"Kind of impressing", the kunoichi admitted, blushing a little. Too bad that such useful jutsus were forbidden... "That Nils was really dangerous! It's good that those jutsus can't be used by anyone!" Sasuke let out a grumble to tell them that s/he agreed.
"They are extremely complicated jutsus that could only be learned by using such means as..." Kakashi grinned, and his eye gleamed diabolically. "The Sharingan eye, for example."
A stunned silence during which Naruto came back from the toilet, still looking ill.
"You're kidding, right...?" Sakura said nervously. Naruto was trying to figure out what was going on.
"Why would I be kidding about something like that?" Kakashi wondered. His voice sounded somehow malicious. "Now, my dear Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto. You wouldn't mind doing 200 press-ups, would you?"
The whole raamen bar was covered in an impermeable silence as the evil sensei formed the secret forbidden seals.
"YOU DEVIL!" screamed Naruto from the floor.
THE TRUE END (?)
It took us a long time to put this up, this has been done for ages! We're sorry... but you've had something else to do meanwhile, I think... Some blabber about Naruto seiyuu once more. It seems I had a brain injury during the last rant, I wrote Kiba's seiyuu but Hinata's name. So Toriumi Kousuke voices Kiba, and Mizuki Nana voices Hinata... ; The seiyuu of the main characters are great as well, I'm especially fond of Sakura's voice, Nakamura Chie. She debuted as Sakura, so we're looking forward to many years of work from her Takeuchi Junko, Naruto's seiyuu, is one promising otokoyaku (a female seiyuu who does a lot of male roles). She sings well too Sugiyama Noriaki, who voices Sasuke, is good in his role, I like his voice too... but recently I've started to love Ootani Ikue, who does Konohamaru. Her voice is just too cute!
The bad thing in Naruto is simply that it doesn't have my Ultimate Favourite Seiyuu. Well, some of them, but it lacks Ogata Megumi, Nozawa Masako and Nakao Ryuusei... xPIt'd be lovely if they got roles later on.
About the licensed Naruto: I fear the dub already. I only watch anime in Japanese, so hopefully I won't have to bump into idiotic cuts, dialogue changes or dub voices, who aren't that good in America. xP
I hope you enjoyed this humoristic story. I will continue to write fics, not necessarily about Naruto, but will anyway. Thank you for support