AN Contrary to popular belief, I was not cryogenically frozen and sent into orbit around Saturn, but I am sorry I haven't updated for ages….

Hey! 6 days until the sixth book! Well I'm excited anyways… I hope Dumbledore finally kicks it! Sorry, I am a mean, bad person, but have come to accept it.

I am not an astronomer gasp; I know nothing of moon cycles, so deal!

Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling, I would not have had to spend my life for 2 months applying for scholarships, Uni is expensive, as Rowling is not a Uni student, as I am, then I guess this stuff isn't really mine, I do own some stuff, just not this particular stuff….characters, places etc. If you would like to credit me with them and pay me royalties, hey! I won't complain, but otherwise, well, what can I say?

Chapter 4 Out of the Closet…

Remus took a deep breath. He was scared of what James might say, but he was even more frightened of what he might remember. That dark place, he hid things from his own memory, and if they resurfaced, what would he do? How could he cope? Would he cope? Remus looked down at his hands and saw that they were covered in blood. He shuddered and sank back against James. He knew James would help, he was always there, ready to listen.

"James…..I'm not like you" Remus said. James chuckled,

"Well that's all right…" he said

"I don't envy you for having Lily" Remus added

"That's a good thing" James said puzzled. Wondering what on earth Remus was talking about, he asked, "What's wrong with that? I wouldn't want jealousy to come between our friendship" Remus sighed.

"I've never had a girlfriend" he said. James shrugged,

"You're still young!" he said "Don't give up yet!"

"I don't ever want one" Remus said firmly.

"You just haven't found the right girl yet! You will! You're a great guy!" James protested.

"It's not that. I don't think that girls are right for me" Remus said quietly. Enlightenment struck James like a freight train leaving Montreal at 5pm loaded with 100 tons of bricks.

"Dammit Remus, did you think we'd hate you for that?" James asked. Remus shrugged, but he was inwardly exploding with joy. "We'd accept you no matter what" James said. Remus smiled.

"I thought… I dunno…if I liked guys…it would be awkward to be friends….you wouldn't…be my friends anymore" Remus looked away as he was close to tears again. James grabbed his shoulders and looked Remus in the eyes, and Remus did not flinch away, for once.

"Good God Remus! Why would we hate you for being who you are! We're your friends!" James said.

"Thanks James" Remus whispered.

"That's not all, is it?" James asked, Remus shook his head."Something else is wrong...you can tell me later if you want" James said and Remus nodded,"Hey, let's head back up to the castle and you can forgive Siri…..oh shit! You're mad at him….why are you mad at him….. Oh!" Enlightenment struck James as the second freight train leaving from Vancouver at 7pm loaded with 8 tons of lead struck the train that had left Montreal at 5pm at10pm in Winnipeg.

"You like Sirius" James said at last. Remus nodded slowly as two tears made their way down his cheeks. He was humiliated. Meanwhile James was shocked.

"Oh Remus, how long have you hidden this?" he asked. Remus shrugged.

"Oh, I don't know…Third year"

"Third year! That was forever ago!" James cried. "Remus, Sirius makes you feel different than me…you won't let him touch you. Promise me that you'll try to tell me why" James said. Remus nodded, relieved that his friend understood him and also that he wasn't demanding answers.

"James, I can't tell him" Remus said, anxious once more. "Promise me you'll never say a word to him". James looked concerned.

"Are you going to tell him that you're gay?" he asked. Remus shrugged.

"I guess I should, but I don't want him to hate me" he said. James shook his head.

"Sirius won't hate you for telling him the truth about your feelings" James said. Remus nodded slowly.

"I'll tell him, but you'll come with me, right?"

"Of course" James replied. "You should tell him you like him in private though" Remus' eyes widened.

"I am not going to tell him that!" he said.

"You should" James said. Remus shook his head,

"One shock for him at a time, okay?"

"I'd never reveal any of your secrets Remus" James said seriously. Remus nodded.

"I know that James, I'd trust you with anything, and now you know" he said. "I guess we'd better be getting back up to the castle then" Remus said as he stood. James pulled him back down, put his hands on Remus' shoulders, and stared into his face.

"Remus" he said, "We need to talk about some things before you go back up to the castle".

"What things? I've had enough emotional talking for today, can't it wait?" asked Remus, surprised at how serious and concerned James was.

"You have to listen to me. The things you did today…" James said firmly. "Remus…you hurt yourself, and that's not okay with me" James said with feeling. "Remus…I think you meant to die today". Remus looked away as he remembered what he had done, what he had tried to do. He began to shake as he remembered all of the bad things… he couldn't bear it "REMUS!" James was shaking his shoulders. "Remus listen to me, I know something is terribly wrong, I don't know what and I'm not going to force you to tell me; I can only hope that you will tell me with time, but whatever it is, promise me that you will not hurt yourself again". Remus was stunned. He did not know how James did it, how he managed to hit the nail on the head every time.

"I promise" Remus said.

"Good" said James "If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Now, let's go get you some dinner, and then you'll go with Madame Pomphrey to the Shrieking Shack. I'll be waiting for you there"

"No!" Remus cried "You can't come, you'll get caught!" James shook his head

"I won't get caught, you hurt yourself as Remus, I think you hurt yourself as the wolf too last time, so I'm going" Remus sighed

"You're being overprotective, now that I got that off my chest, I'll be fine, okay?" James looked wary,

"You wouldn't lie to me" he said, "fine, but I'm coming to see you first thing tomorrow morning because you promised to help me with my charms work" Remus smiled,

"I did, didn't I?" he said.

One week later

Remus was studying for his transfiguration test with Lily when Sirius came into the common room.

"Hey Lily!" he said, and then he noticed who she was sitting with. His eyes fell and his smile vanished and was replaced with hurt. "I've got to go…study" he said, and went over to sit by the fire. Lily looked at Remus, who was looking extremely guilty. This is it, he thought. I can't stand making him so miserable.

"Excuse me Lily" he said apologetically, but Lily smiled and patted his shoulder in encouragement. He had told her that he preferred guys a few days ago, and she had been thrilled. She had told him that every girl wanted a gay guy friend. He smiled faintly, and went over and sat down beside Sirius who looked up, plainly startled.

"Sirius…" Remus said, suddenly very shy and uncomfortable "…I'd like to…say, well…" Remus was having trouble finding his words.

"Let's go upstairs" Sirius suggested. Remus nodded. Once up in their dormitory, Remus sat beside Sirius on his bed.

"I am so sorry to have treated you so badly" Remus began, "but I was really mad at you!" Sirius nodded emphatically,

"I've never seen you so angry!" he said. Remus looked down,

"…I wasn't really mad at you, I was just keeping something bottled up and well…it blew up at you, but I am really sorry. I shouldn't have done that" Remus said apologetically, but Sirius smiled,

"Well, I'm glad that we can still be friends now" he said "What was bothering you anyway?" Remus squared his shoulders,

"Sirius, I'm not like you" Remus said, recalling what he'd said to James. Sirius only shrugged,

"Hey, not everyone can be an example of pure perfection!" he said with a grin.

"Not that…Sirius…I'm gay" Remus said. Sirius' eyes widened, but he didn't say anything.

"James and Lily know" Remus continued, "I hope this doesn't change anything between us, I just couldn't hide who I really am any longer"

"I…I've got to go now" Sirius said, and he strode out of the room, leaving Remus to stare at the empty spot beside him.

"What have I done?" he whispered.

AN well, that's all she wrote…for now, review, please?