Author: PhoebeOtaku
Title: Betrayal, Chapter 5: Someone to watch over me
Disclaimer: insert creative way of saying "sailormoon doesn't belong to me" here
Author's notes: so my friend jack went to a waltz ball with me and beforehand we were chillin and waiting for our ride to show up (we are sad college students that lack cars) and we managed to get into a convo about anime (jack and I are the only two otaku in our typical circle of friends –yes, we are those undercover 'normal seeming' anime addict/dorks-) it is a measure of how diverse my taste in anime is to say that he and I like a lot of the same stuff...(I let him borrow my complete Kenshin collection....he was very happy...) and though he is not a sailormoon fan we somehow got onto the subject of my fanfiction (probably through Gundam wing) and I told him about this story... and gasp told him what happens overall and gasp The Ending!! (can't you just hear the capital letters on those words?) So I do know where this is going (and, incidentally, so does jack) I just need to have time to work on it.
Author's notes II: ya know, it's proof that I tried to start this earlier...I wrote the author's notes for it back in ...april?...and then had so much to do that I couldn't write anymore until now...august......and come to think of it.... Jack STILL has my Rurouni Kenshin...grumbles...I woke slowly from the first restful sleep that I had experienced in days. The dreams that seemed so sweet in sleep and so haunting in my waking hours had been blessedly absent.
Mamoru slept peacefully across from me, curled up on top of the covers that he had tucked around me the night before. One of his hands clasped mine against his chest where I could feel the gentle rise and fall of his breath while I watched his face, so peaceful, as he slept. The night before he had raided my kitchen until it miraculously produced some soup and a half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Somewhat disgusted with the meager offering, he stood over me until I consumed every drop and crumb then sat down, facing me across the expanse of green comforter on my bed...
He moved slightly in his sleep, enough to pull me from my musings for a moment and back to the present. If I hadn't fallen in love with him by some previous cosmic accident, I would surely have given my heart to this sleeping angel. The thought very nearly brought an audible sigh, which, I thought, was an improvement over tears. The night before I had looked at him, his eyes full of questions and concern, and all I could do was weep. I couldn't tell him about the very real worries that clouded my thoughts; words escaped me and ran for their lives. Exhaustion, stress, nervousness, regret, fear, some combination thereof? I don't know which really caused my lack of vocal aptitude, but Mamoru didn't seek an explanation. He just slid an arm around me and pulled me close to cry on his shoulder, allowing me to pull strength from him, from his warmth and support.
When it became clear that sleep would claim me before I recovered my voice, he tucked my blankets tightly around me and made as if to leave. I caught his hand and whispered a simple request.
"Stay." One word and he stopped and looked back at me, the silent tears still on my face echoed in his own eyes. "Please, don't leave me alone...." I must have been near delirious to ask, delirious and afraid, I will admit, afraid to feel the utter loneliness that he had suddenly appeared to save me from. I needed a friend with me, to watch over me and keep the nightmare of my life at bay for as long as possible. Mamoru seemed to understand; leaning against the headboard he sat, smoothed my hair away from my face, and gently kissed my forehead.
"Sleep," he said while he looked into my eyes, "I won't leave you to face this alone anymore..." It was all I could do to nod as he took my hand firmly in his, nod and close my eyes, finally giving in to my fatigue.
I felt infinitely stronger than I had for weeks. I had never been weepy and dependent, I was always the strong one, but the last few weeks had proven otherwise. By striving to be strong I had built up walls around myself, excuses, lies to keep from being hurt. My stubbornness would shout 'Pull yourself together, Kino Makoto!' anytime I looked over the brink into depression. Few people had ever lightened my loneliness and losing almost all of them in one fell swoop had shaken me, shaken in ways that I don't think I can ever fully understand. The result made it harder to survive on my own as I had done for most of my life. I needed to draw strength from someone else until my heart, bruised still from the void my parents had left when they died so many years ago, recovered enough to cope with the love that I knew I would never have.
Mamoru offered the strength, and the understanding, I needed so that I could take the time to find my own again. I hesitated to wake him. Despite what I had already gained, I still wasn't sure I had the strength to tell him all of my fears.
It amazed me that the possibility of pregnancy was still secondary in my thoughts to worries about Usagi-chan and her future with Mamoru. It was something that I was sure could rip them apart forever.
If I were truly as strong as I would like to be, I wouldn't mention it...ever... even if it were true. I would cover it up with lies and conceal the truth the best I could. Thoughts of a future like that brought tears to my eyes even more than anything that had happened to me in the recent past. What if I was...? I knew that I could not give up a child, even for the sake of someone else. Even if I lied and said that another had fathered it, I'm sure that Mamoru, and everyone, would suspect...but they would pretend to believe the lie, just to go on with their lives. Usagi could be blind to some things when it suited her.
'Could I do that?' I asked myself, silently wishing for all the answers. Then it dawned on me, fully and without any shield for what pride I had left. Who did I think that I was kidding? I didn't have the strength to face even the pregnancy test by myself, let alone the rest of my life with or without a baby.
The nervous churning of my stomach was nothing compared to my thoughts just as his blue eyes opened and stared into mine. I'm absolutely sure that it was my unease that morning that woke him.
"Makoto, what's wrong?" he asked, not looking even slightly disoriented as to where he was. I stared at him for a moment, a long moment. Seconds ticked by on the glowing hands of the clock in the early morning dark of my bedroom. My mind was utterly blank. I could not even blurt out a stuttered 'I think I might be pregnant with your child...'
Mamoru sighed and pulled me close to him and I buried my face against his chest but refused to cry.
"Please tell me, Makoto." His voice was gentle still, but the firmness behind the request still rang true.
"Mamoru...I..." I took a deep breath, to steady myself. I wasn't sure when the honorifics had disappeared, but they seemed somehow absurd in this moment.
"You told me last night to stop making myself the only Villain." He tightened his arms around me, much as he had the night before. "'We are either both at fault or neither of us is to blame' I believe were your words..." Gripping the material of his shirt in a fist, I nodded against his chest.
"I want to know everything." He said simply.
And I told him. Everything.
He didn't interrupt the torrent of words that poured out of me in hushed tones. The dimness of the room in the beginning helped me, his fingers brushing away tears coaxed the complete truth out of me, his embrace comforted me. I meant to hold back, not tell him the totality of my pain. I didn't mean to tell him that I had realized that I loved him.
I felt his arms tighten in anger hearing about the rumors in the school and again at the mention of the boys who had tried to take advantage of me. I told him everything, from my feelings the moment I woke next to him to the comfort he had given me the night before. I felt his breath stop when I told him about the counselor and the test I could not bring myself to take. When his hand resumed stroking my hair I continued, telling him what Usagi had seen and what I had realized as my neighbor harassed me on my doorstep.
"Makoto?" he asked when I paused, exhausted from the ordeal of reliving the story. The sun now glared through the windows, it must have been near noon, I had no idea how long I had been talking.
"I'm not even sure I know myself anymore. I want you and Usagi-chan to be together, but I have these dreams that just..." for the first time Mamoru interrupted me.
"Dreams?" he said suddenly with a quizzical expression on his face. "What kind of dreams?" he asked fully taking in the blush that covered my face.
"I think they might drive me insane..." I offered as a preamble to my description, gathering time to fight down my blush. "Dreams about you...well about Endymion... and me...or..well...me in the moon kingdom... that you and I..." I finally gave up on stuttering out the rest, figuring my blush was enough of a flattering description.
"Makoto..." he whispered, the expression on his face one of shock, blue eyes met wide green ones. He looked as if some great epiphany had struck him. I opened my mouth to ask him what had so intrigued him just before the door to my studio apartment burst open rebounding hard against the inner wall, only to be stopped by another strike which I was sure left a crack in the glass windows.
"So..." intoned the implacable figure silhouetted in the doorway by the late morning sun. Realizing how the scene looked, with me in Mamoru's arms the blankets tousled around us in the dark room, I very nearly groaned. My luck was not improving. I wished I could have groaned and hidden my head under the covers, praying it was a nightmare. But as it was, for the second time in my life, I was absolutely frozen by my fear.
In my doorway stood one enraged Te'nou Haruka, who, it seemed, had been brought up to date on certain things that had occurred while she was out of town.Author's notes: wow! Finally, another part! Once again...for some reason I thought I would be able to cram more into this part... and once again I was wrong...
Sorry to go all introspective in the story for so long...but hey, It's first person...and my inner monologue is one big run-on sentence... so, why shouldn't Makoto have the same...
Oh, and please excuse terrible grammar etc....if something is really confusing, please tell me... I'm posting this as fast as a can...so I'm not going to let it sit on my computer rotting for a week whilst I edit and edit...(thought you would prefer it that way)
Anyway, I'm going to start writing responses to my reviewers after this chapter...A. because I've seen so many other people do it and B. just because I like reading the writer's responses to my reviews =D
But first a little bit of fun to take you mind off of the wait for the next chapter...
A silly scene that I could not help writing after it popped into my head. Not saying that this is what actually happened on Mamo-chan's side of the story...just saying that I found the thought rather humorous...and I'm sorta sick of being depressing all the time...
Motoki sighed as Mamoru finished his tale and refilled the cup of coffee that was sitting before him on the table. Wondering, for the umpteenth time, if he should be pouring his friend a cup of sake instead, Motoki stared in such blatant disbelief that Mamoru was forced to repeat himself...twice.
"So let me get this straight, one more time..." Motoki sighed and continued. "You are absolutely certain that you had sex with an admittedly beautiful woman last night, and you can't remember one second of it?" Mamoru claimed that his body seemed to remember what had happened the night before, and in this respect he adamantly maintained that he was definitely not mistaken.
"That's right." Mamoru answered. "I can't remember anything."
"Not anything?" Motoki inquired once again, to the eternal frustration of Mamoru.
"Not a single solitary moment." Came the terse reply.
"Bummer..." said Motoki before he could stop himself. If looks could kill, the young man would have been nailed to the door by about a dozen of those roses that tuxedo kamen loved to toss around. Such was the venom in Mamoru's gaze.
"Not Funny."
"Well...I mean...if you're going to be in this much trouble over it...you might at least have gotten some good memories..." Motoki immediately wished that the filter in his head had stopped this hideously tactless effort to redeem his former comment. "Can we just pretend I didn't say that...?" Motoki asked and Mamoru, for the sake of their friendship, complied.
Basically this is a blanket thank you to everyone that has reviewed thus far! I'm so sorry that it is taking me so long to write this story. I realize that I was a sophomore in high school when I started and now I'm a college junior... but I promise that I will finish this!
Your reviews really do encourage me when I'm blocked, and goad me to get back to it.
I believe that I'm owed 'forty lashes with a wet noodle' from someone... and I'm trying really hard not to let the wait get too long again!
Responses to reviews from chapter 4
I love the rest of you too! I just don't have time to type all the responses!
Nightrider- thanks... (your review got me to get back to work on finishing this chapter...go you...) you all should thank nightrider... this would have taken another week otherwise...=D
Jupterlover-thanks for all the reviews! Here ya go! Hope you like it!
SAR- hope that the wait wasn't too terrible, I'm soo sorry. Thanks
College student that loves kino makoto....etc etc – I wish you luck on marrying Mako-chan...
I don't think she seems like a bad girl? What do you mean? Makoto is nice, that's what makes this hard for her (and coincidentally, worse for usagi – because they are so close the seeming betrayal is all the worse...) Shinozaki...hmmm
College does suck...it interferes with fanfiction in so many ways...
Sailorlita18- well, thanks for reviewing the whole thing. Haruka is obviously a little pissed (so sayeth the understatement queen)
Katsie2- um... I'm sorry you hate Mamoru... let just say I write him as I would like him to be...... so perhaps mamo-chan as I write him won't be so offensive to you...(apparently I tend do this with a lot of characters, present them in a different light) I also haven't watched any sailormoon in FOREVER... (but I do have a photographic memory...)
Fauly – I sort of already did this response in amongst the reviews... but I will paste...just in case...Fauly, thanks for the input and the compliment to my writing if not the story as of yet. i promise you that all will become clear, i also dislike the 'let's break up the main couple for the hell of it and see what ensues' type fics. i wish i could do a mind meld with the computer and post the rest of the story at this exact moment so that you could understand what i mean by "all will become clear". Please feel free to email me about the story, i promise i don't bite, i am not mean, and i would actually like to talk to someone about the story. outside of just authors notes and it would be helpful. thanks so much for the review. =D
(see, am not mean =)
Serenity blossom- thanks for your reviews, hope this chapter is to your liking!
Jupiter hime- Look! I'm continueing –Gasp- your hopes were not in vain! =D
Babymar-mar – glad you like it even though it is sad... I like writing it and its so sad! Weird, ne?