Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything from the books or movies or any of that, it all belongs to JK Rowling. Darn. ; ) I wasn't trying to insult German people by having the painter be German (I am part German myself). The angry German painter is based on one of the TV art instructors from a while ago, I don't remember his name, but his personality and Snape's complaints about him are mostly taken from an HBO stand-up from Patton Oswalt. Esther Rantzen is a woman in the UK who helps people and who has her own help line. She has frighteningly large teeth.

A/N: 'Owl Post' will probably read as a little exaggurated because I was playing off the stereotypes of Harry being a clueless do-gooder and Snape being a twisted old scrooge. I hope you like it either way!

Part Two: Esther Rantzin's Child Helpline

Sev,

It's Harry! I don't know what happened to Hedwig, but it took her ages to get back to me and she was all funny looking, if you know what I mean. And by the way, what did your last letter mean? Something about 'From me to you'? I think you need to work on your humor, Sev. I didn't get it.

Write back soon!
-- Harry xx

Potter,

I'm a broken man. I don't want to continue writing to you but somehow I feel entitled . . . just as I feel entitled to force myself to read what you have to say, to force myself to wake up every morning, and to force myself not to hex you to within an inch of your life. My honor is all I have left, do you understand? Don't make me do something drastic like ignore you.

-- Prof. Snape

Sev,

Is that why you keep signing as 'Professor Snape' even though you aren't a professor anymore?

-- Harry

Potter,

Yes, it is exactly why. But listen to me, and listen to me closely:

I have always been and always will be your superior, I am not 'Severus' I am not 'Sev' you are to address me as Professor Snape!

That being said, thank you for the chocolates.

-- Your Lord and Master Severus Snape

Sev,

It was my pleasure. They're Russel Stover; I thought you might like those. I even took out the coconut for you.

And FYI, I really do think you need to work on your humor. The whole thing about being superior and 'Your Lord and Master' comes off as a little snooty, don't you think? Of course, not that it's my place to say, but as your friend I just wanted to let you know.

-- Harry xoxo

Pothead,

What do you mean, took out the coconut? Coconut is all that was in there!

-- Prof. Snape

Sev,

Look again.

-- Harry

Pothead,

I'll ignore your obvious mistake in hope that it will somehow make my life easier. I would also like you to know that this letter exchange is going nowhere.

-- Prof. Snape

Sev,

It's like I said before: what you said about any mention of personal business just kills the whole thing. You really have to be more open in this!

-- Harry

Pothead,

The most personal thing I can think to say to you is: I hate you, I hate it that you continue writing to me, I hate it that I can't seem to stop writing to you.

I despise this continued existence.

-- Prof. Snape

Sev,

Severus, please, for me, flush the pills and we'll never mention it again.

-- Harry

Pothead,

Pills? While I admit that even I didn't think that your stupidity could somehow grow, it has indeed and quite frankly it is severely bothering me. It's like having a big, fat ape following me around at every turn.

So do be a chum and tell Esther Rantzen's people to stop coming by my condo.

-- Prof. Snape

Sev,

I thought you couldn't walk? I don't know. Do you like monkeys?

And if I call Esther (she really is a nice lady, you should try calling her yourself) and tell her to leave you alone, it'll just be social services after that. She has connections, you know.

-- Harry

Pothead stupid stupid stupid zoophile,

Not only is Esther Rantzen a CHILD helper, but her people did not leave off and instead are coming by more often and insisting on singing songs about helping the environment and growing up to be a nice person. I think the last one got the picture when I hit him over the head with his guitar, but I seem to have started a chain reaction and I'm being treated for anger management now too, to add on to all this hell.

Also, apes are not monkeys. They are completely different, and I don't appreciate the baby monkey book you sent me.

-- Prof. Snape

Sev,

Well I'm sorry, but I can't help you about Esther's people. You know, if you hadn't made me cancel the lease on the flat in East Hollywood then you could be peacefully settled in there and they wouldn't bother you. Don't blame me.

But on a bright note, I loved the drawing you sent me! Of the hydra, I mean. I don't get what you meant to say by having all the heads look like Esther, but I think you have definite potential. Keep drawing, mate.

-- Harry

INSUFFERABLE BEAST,

First, if you hadn't called Esther Rantzen in the first place, those assholes wouldn't be bothering me, and second, should I have moved into that East Hollywood flat, though it would have placed me a safe distance away from those fucks in white coats, it would not have cut off contact with you, and third, I would look terrible with a tan anyway!

And stop doing things for me! Who was that angry German freak who came by my condo last Sunday to bitch about his third wife? Who was that? I have a feeling that it was your doing, shithead, and once again, TELL HIM TO LEAVE OFF.

-- Prof. Snape

Sev,

Calm down! The German guy was a drawing instructor I called up to help you work on your drawing skills. He's an okay guy, but if he starts talking about writing out divorce papers in blood just make him a sandwich and some coffee and he'll be fine.

And, no offence Sev, but you really are pale as a noodle. I think a bit of a tan would do you good.

-- Harry

Potter,

Stop writing to me. Don't ever expect to hear from the German again, he is gone, and I'm not telling you where. I am burning every letter you send me. If I have to, I'll dispose of your owl along with the German.

I expect never to hear from you again.

-- Professor Severus Snape