A/N: Again, 'Owl Post' is as far from canon as you can possible get, but I hope you enjoy anyway! PRE-HBP
Part Two: Professional Sharp Shooter
Sev,
You haven't written in a while. Is anything up?
Guess what? Ginny and I are getting married! Would you like to come to the wedding?
-- Harry
Potter,
Nothing is up. I would have thought that you'd realize that. Please stop writing to me, I've checked into therapy and was doing fine until one of your owls managed to get past the professional sharp shooter I hired to sit out on the front lawn. Subsequently I fired him for being inept. I suppose there really is nothing I can do to make you leave me alone.
And no, I would not like to come to the wedding.
-- Severus Snape
Snape,
What? Do you mean you've been killing my owls? And the wedding is in three months at Hogwarts, if you were wondering.
-- Harry
Potter,
No, I haven't. The sharp shooter has.
-- Severus Snape
Sevvy,
Look, that isn't cool. It's only fortunate that I gave Hedwig some time off. Do you want me to call animal rights?
-- Harry
Potter,
NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! IF YOU CALL ANYONE ROUND TO MY PLACE AGAIN I WILL HEX YOU INTO OBLIVION! I WILL HEX YOU UNTIL YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE THE TOILET AGAIN!
-- Severus Snape
Sev,
Look, calm down! I only have your best interests in mind. That's what friends are for, right?
-- Harry
Potfucker,
Having no real experience with the idea of 'friends,' I cannot say that I agree. I can, however, say that I've been quite successful in locating some very satisfying hexes that I'm looking forward to trying out on you if you write again.
I threw out the Friends picture frame you sent, by the way.
-- Severus Snape
Severus,
I am going to warn you once. Please stop being rude to me and stop killing my owls.
-- Harry Potter
Potter,
You are an idiot. You really are an idiot. You are one of the most hopelessly inept, stupid, idiots I have ever met.
-- Severus Snape
Snape,
And you are a smell, greasy old one legged butt munch.
-- Harry Potter
Potter,
At least I don't hang around with a bunch of people who don't know when to stop breeding!
-- Snape
Snape,
I BET YOU MASTURBATE WITH SNAKES!
-- Harry Potter
POTHEAD,
AT LEAST I DON'T MASTURBATE WITH BROOM STICKS!
-- Snape
Snape,
Sev, you can shove your head up your ass. Or better yet, have Draco do it for you as I'm not quite sure you have the capability.
-- Mr. Harry Potter.
Potter,
Stop writing to me.
-- Snape
Snape,
I'm way ahead of you. Go get fucked by Voldemort.
-- Mr. Harry Potter
Fin