She insisted on drawing me. I don't know why.
"Are you done with that sketch?" I ask her after a while when she's not been moving.
"Almost. Aye, you may move."
"Do you want to show me?"
"You can look if you want."
I move, and almost stumble over my numb foot. Look very carefully over her shoulder.
"It's beautiful." It really is. Definitely some talent there. "I love it." I look at the picture for a while, I really like it. And then I wonder … . "Did you draw me from an angle that hides the missing eye, and the worst of the scars?"
I realize I said it aloud when I see her look at me. I hadn't meant to say that aloud.
„The scar interferes with your bone structure, which really is deserving of being put to paper, and I'll draw the other side later. The scar is complex, the light from the jewel in your eye is more so, and my back still prevents me from moving my hand just the way I want. I'm starting simple."
„I … I'm sorry. I hadn't meant to say it like this." I really feel like having destroyed the magic of the moment, and so I leave for the deck.
That night, I can't sleep. I couldn't sleep most of the nights since she is here. It's not her fault. I'm restless. There's too much, too many memories, creeping back into my head. But she can't sleep when I'm not there. I understand. After a while of lying next to her, staring into the darkness, I sit up, and swing my legs out of the bed. Breathe in deeply, and lean forward, elbows on my knees. Raise my palms, to cover my face. I sigh into the cover of my hands. Feel the skin stretch over my back. God, I don't want to think about this all the time. It was fine when all of it was locked away somewhere. I don't want to remember it.
The pain. The weakness. The fear. When I couldn't even raise my head, or move my arm. When every breath I drew set my whole upper body on fire. The heat in my head. The nightmares, hallucinations. The constant thought on my mind, I'm keeping Jack from the sea. I'm keeping Jack from his life. He shouldn't be doomed to care for me. I know he hates it. Hates me for it. Hates the fact that he would rather be somewhere else, at sea, but the love for his brother keeps him ashore. If I survive this, nothing in between us will be as it once was. God … everything changed after that. Before, it was Jack and Hal, against the world. After, I was alone. I am … still … alone. Every gash across my chest, across my back, every lash curling around my shoulders, cutting through the soft flesh of my armpits, every drop of blood has brought me farther away from him, from myself.
… am I crying?
Suddenly, a hand on my back. I wipe across my face quickly with the tips of my fingers. Turning around slightly. "Did I wake you?"
"Hal, what is it?"
"It's … nothing. Nothing." Please don't let my voice break. But it breaks. "Please, Pearl, go back to sleep." I get up. "I'll see if everything is alright on deck." But she grabs my wrist when I move, straining her back. Please girl, don't move. Let me go. She looks over her shoulder lightly, onto her back still bearing the clear marks of torture.
"Is it bringing back your memories?"
I breathe out noisily. Was that a sob? I HAVE NO MEMORIES OF THAT. Leave me, leave me alone! Christ, am I crying? I am supposed to be strong, I am expected to be a father for that girl in her god-awful situation. She is the one that should be crying, not me. I feel my hand is quivering in hers. Her grip tightens.
"Let me go Pearl, please." No sound. How could I say that with absolutely no sound at all? I'm shivering allover.
She pulls me closer. I resist her.
"Come here. Come back to bed."
And suddenly there I am, on my knees in front of the bed, and I am weeping. Onto her hand, under my face, onto my hand that still clings to hers. Weeping like a child. I'm not supposed to be the child on this. Please, I'm a grown up man, I am a pirate, I am Captain Sparrow for goodness sake. I am infamous, not incontinent.
Pearl reaches for me, and tries to pull me back into the bed. When she lays her hand onto my shoulder blades, my head flies up. Don't! "Don't touch them!" Don't touch me!
I rise to my knees from my slumped position, gulp down tears. Pearl sits up. I breathe heavily.
"Please don't move, you're opening up your back." I whisper.
She reaches out, and cups my cheek with her hand. Then, she leans forward, and embraces me. Hugs me tightly. I hold my breath for a moment. Kneel with my hands still in a defensive position, against the small fragile body that is so close to me suddenly.
"Let go." She says softly.
But I can't. I don't want to. Please go away! But she stays.
And then, and it happens much quicker than I would have thought, I let go. Bury my face in her neck, and wrap my arms around her. Don't object anymore when she pulls me back into the bed. And I am crying. I am crying so much. Shrinking into her embrace. Very small, and getting smaller and smaller all the time.
And there she is. Patting my head, stroking my hair softly. Her hand lying on my skin, on my scarred flesh. And I am crying, messing up her shirt with tears and snot.
And she is just there.
After a while, tears dry up, and I breathe deeply. I can't move, I'd have to look her in the eyes. I keep my eye tightly closed, and I'm just clinging to her. Maybe we can stay like that forever. Maybe nobody will notice.
After another while, I notice, I began to whisper, merely to myself, very softly, into her shirt, her embrace.
"God, I hate him for it. That man. I won't remember the name. He's dead and rotten. But his blood is still inside me. Good Christ, don't remember the blood. Don't remember his hands. On me. Inside the cuts. The wounds. Inside my flesh. His breath on my face. His sweat, intermingling with mine. Fingers smearing salt water thick with blood over my back, over my chest, and shoulders, my breast and belly. Let me not remember. Not remember the sound of the whip. The power of the man with the cat, over me, … over me. Me, small. So small, so weak. I can do nothing about it. Metal hot with my pain, cutting into my wrists, into my ankles. Every muscle straining to support my own weight. And I fail, fail. The bones in my neck cracking with my head yanking back and forth. I can still feel the weight of him on my chest, leaning over me, overpowering me, reaching for my face. His hands on my face, holding me. The pressure on the skull, the eye. The … sound of it. And my body even too weak, too weak to scream." Then I suddenly raise my head to look at her, searching her gaze in the dark.
"I was crying and screaming all the time, Pearl, all the way through, until I lost my voice. I was so afraid of them. I was so scared to die. I was so scared to leave him … Jack. I love him so much. I wanted to save him, but I was so scared myself. And it hurt so much I thought I couldn't hold on to my own soul. But the pain was too much, too much even to pass out. And I was so ashamed I couldn't take it, couldn't take it like I should have. Like … a man?"
I close my eye, and there is a single tear, running down my cheek, all the way down, seeping into my slightly opened lips. I sense the salty taste on my tongue.
Deep sigh.