/N: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews!! You guys rock!
Mrsmunkee- Wow my first reviewer! You get a cookie! I'm trying to keep them as much in character while making it humorous because I can't stand fics where Draco like, breaks down and cry and suddenly they're all friends. Thanks so much for reviewing!
s.s.harry- thanks for Tom Felton in a box! He is now currently crouching in some corner trying to hide from me… but that's ok! ;)
sarah- thanks! My other story had shorter chapters, and then I realized how annoying it is to try and read those types of fics so I'm making quite an effort to make these chapters much longer. The only downside is that it takes longer to put out.
Leggomylegolas40- first, congrats on such a cool penname! Haha here's your update!
Iluvschool- thanks, but what do you mean by don't put a lot of PG13 stuff in it? Do you mean I should tone it down with the swearing, or make it more R? I'm so confused!
PinkTribeChick- Thanks so much! You rock! Cookies all around!
Caitie78- Some drama will be worked into the story, however it's main genre will be humor. Thanks so much for the review!
The forgotten Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter. I wish I owned Draco, however JK Rowling sent me a howler about running off to France with her characters. So for now Draco is presently not under my control either. The tears are being shed…
Chapter 2- you tried to open your mouth, but only shit would come out
Draco drummed his fingers against the Slytherin table, impatiently waiting for the sorting to commence. A small smirk tugged his lips as Draco watched the last few Gryffindors run into the Great Hall, Granger among them, looking like drenched rats. Draco actually laughed as he watched Weasley try to hold… Ginger was it? Trying to hold Ginger back from running from the hall. Probably wants to fix her makeup or something, Draco thought, looking down at the youngest Weasley with immense distaste. However, as the Gryffindors took their seats and no further entertainment was being provided, Malfoy found his mind wandering to his fellow Slytherins. Their small number this year was clustered at the opposite end of the table from Draco, leaving him with only Blaise and Pansy to shoot dark looks at the other houses. Many of the Death Eater's children had been taken out of Hogwarts the previous year to join the Dark Lord's service, when he had returned to power. After Voldemort's final defeat from wonder-boy, no one who had survived dared return to Hogwarts. Instead, many of the former Slytherins had transferred to Durmstrang. Malfoy was among some of the few seventh years left. He was deeply depressed that Pansy had managed to stay in Hogwarts, and by the scowl on her face, she felt the same. The only person he knew well enough to call a 'friend' was Blaise Zabini, a female seventh year whose father was a close friend to Malfoy's family. Her father had decided to keep Blaise in school much like Lucius had kept Draco enrolled when he was alive. Although Draco's reasons for staying were to serve quite a different purpose … a shiver ran down Draco's spine as he remembered why he had been allowed to stay in Hogwarts.
"Draco, the Dark Lord is now ready for you." Lucius spoke softly, his voice level as he surveyed his only son with pride for the first. Draco looked back at him angrily.
"Father, why should I have to serve some Mudblood fool who hasn't even been able to kill a mere school boy for the past what- 5 years? Malfoys do not serve anyone but themselves!" Lucius' eyes flashed as he gazed at his brazen child.
"It would be highly recommendable, my son, to not speak like that about the Dark Lord. Malfoys do serve themselves. If you are such a fool that you do not see the benefits of joining the most powerful wizard in the world, than clearly I haven't taught you anything." Draco turned from his father, his eyes cold as he stared into the mirror that reflected an image of himself in his new ceremonial robes.
"You have taught me not to risk myself unless there is something to be gained. What will we gain if Voldemort is defeated yet again?"
"You insolent child! Do not speak his name!" Lucius hissed, raising his wand arm and hitting Draco on the back of the head with his cane.
It had been the first time he had ever been hit by anyone in his life. Well, almost the first time, Draco corrected himself as his eyes fell upon a brunette sitting at the Gryffindor table, listening attentively as Dumbledore gave his start-of-the-term speech. It was then that Draco decided to be a spy for the ministry, Dumbledore, whoever wanted him. He was well aware of Snape's double-faced role, and decided it was the most sensible thing to do since everyone knew, as much as Draco hated to admit it, that The-Boy-Who-Just-Won't-Die would defeat Voldemort sooner or later. Draco's job had been pretty easy, reporting everything that happened at meetings back to Dumbledore. Then came the final battle where Potter had won, Voldemort was gone, his father died, and Draco got a get-out-of-jail-free card. Yes, he thought bitterly, his eyebrows furrowing, Malfoys serve themselves. Draco pushed all thoughts from his mind as Blaise started giving him an odd look, and instead focused on the food that had magically appeared.
Hermione stole a quick glance at Malfoy as Dumbledore announced the Head students to the school. She was shocked to find that his usual sneer had slipped off his face, replaced by a more somber expression. Hermione looked down at her now empty plate as Malfoy turned in her direction, a scowl etched across his face as he recognized a look of pity on her face. Hermione gulped. Standing up quickly as Dumbledore dismissed the school from the feast, she nervously made her way towards the Headmaster, trying not to look in Malfoy's direction.
"See you tomorrow, Hermione!" Ron called to her, shoving a few Yorkshire puddings in his pocket and following the rest of the Gryffindors to their common room, leaving Hermione and Malfoy alone in the Great Hall with Dumbledore. Hermione sighed, but resolutely looked up at the Headmaster.
"Well wasn't that a superb feast! The house elves really outdid themselves tonight," Dumbledore started cheerfully, beaming down at the two students. Hermione looked back indignantly at the Headmaster at the mention of the house elves. Malfoy scowled. "I'm sure you two are eager to see your new living quarters, so I will keep this brief. You have a meeting with the Prefects on Thursday and patrol Wednesday night. I would like you to stay together through your patrol, as I am aware there may be some hostile feelings between you two. I know it wouldn't reflect well at all upon Hogwarts if the two Head students can't even manage to get along! Well! I think that is all for now, Professor McGonagall will show you your new rooms. Sleep well," Dumbledore concluded, his eyes twinkling merrily. Malfoy rolled his eyes as the Headmaster turned and eagerly beckoned Professor McGonagall forward. Hermione glared at Malfoy for his blatant rudeness.
"Follow me," McGonagall snapped, surveying the Heads critically for a moment before turning around swiftly and sweeping out of the Great Hall. Hermione and Malfoy hurried to catch up with her. After passing through a labyrinth of halls and staircases, which Hermione was sure neither of them would be able to remember, they reached a large portrait of a giggling young woman, dressed in 18th century garb.
"You must agree on a password before entering. Good night," McGonagall informed them, before shaking her head sadly and storming down the adjacent hall.
"I wonder where she's off to," Hermione thought aloud, glancing at Malfoy only to find him staring at her with impatience.
"How about, 'Gryffindors blow'?" he offered indicating to the portrait while smiling innocently. The portrait squealed.
"Excuse me young sir, but I myself was in Gryffindor and I don't believe you should be derogatory to other houses… you're in Slytherin, aren't you?"
"Oh shut up, you!" Malfoy snapped at the portrait, his cheeks flushed.
"How about 'white bouncing ferrets'?" Hermione offered. Malfoy rolled his eyes again.
"What did I tell you about old insults Granger? Honestly. How about-" He started angrily, but was cut off as the portrait interjected yet again.
"You two must have something in common!" she asked, eyeing them closely. Neither Hermione nor Draco said anything for a minute.
"Nope," Hermione replied, smiling sweetly to the girl in the portrait.
"Hogwarts: a History." Malfoy mumbled to the portrait. Hermione looked up in surprise but nodded.
"Very well then… 'Hogwarts, a History' is your new password." The girl said, bemused. The portrait door swung open to reveal a large oval room, half of which was covered with green and silver, the other red and gold. At the far side of the room there were two doors, one labeled Head Girl and one labeled Head Boy. Hermione stared at the room in awe, taking in the red plush couch that was lined with gold, the lion engraved in the mantle above the Gryffindor fireplace, the deep cherry colored desk in the far corner, and gold-lined carpet. She was startled out of her amazement as Malfoy pushed past her, apparently not too impressed with their new living arrangements.
"Night Mudblood," he called to her without a backward glance.
"Night ferret," Hermione yelled back, just as he slammed his bedroom door shut. All thoughts of Malfoy quickly left her mind as Hermione raced to her own bedroom. Smiling widely, she flopped down on the king size bed surrounded by red and gold curtains, her desk, wardrobe, bookcase, floor-to-ceiling window, and private bathroom. She quickly set to work unpacking her belongings.
Draco woke up the next morning with a throbbing headache. Must be from being in such close proximity to a Mudblood, he thought sourly as he placed the tip of his wand to his head to use an alleviating spell. He pushed back his sheets and stomped to his bathroom hoping a shower would make him feel better, only to find the door wouldn't open.
"Granger!" he yelled at the top of his voice. Hearing a yelp from inside his bathroom he used a quick "Alohomora" on the door and stepped inside to find Hermione at the sink, brushing her hair.
"What do you want, Malfoy," She spat.
"Look Granger, I haven't had my coffee jolt yet and I'm in a very bad mood so don't act stupid. I want to use my bathroom, so move your little Mudblood ass to your own."
"This is my bathroom, Malfoy," Hermione spoke slowly, her eyes widening in shock. "Wait-"
"No!" Malfoy growled. "That crazy old fool couldn't possibly-"
"Yes, he could," Hermione responded softly, closing her eyes in dread.
"We have to share a bathroom?" Malfoy shouted.
"Well, at least we wont once the trip starts-" Hermione tried to calm Malfoy down.
"-And yet he'll probably pair us up for that too! All my hard work to become Head Boy and this is what I get?" Malfoy ranted on. Hermione sniffed.
"Oh please. You know just as well as I do that money can buy hard work." Malfoy glared at her.
"Just because you're Potter's little girlfriend and the biggest bookworm in the school, doesn't mean that people like me don't work just as hard as you do. In fact, I work harder because I have to fight against the prejudices of being the son of a Death Eater! But even Dumbledore had to admit that I was the best."
"I am not Harry's girlfriend!" Hermione shouted indignantly. Malfoy's eyes glinted.
"Well, I know you alternate between him and the Weasel, sorry if I messed up on the day. Now please remove your contaminated self from my bathroom."
"This is as much my bathroom as it is yours, Malfoy! You cannot just order me out!"
"Watch me," Malfoy yelled, his eye's flashing as he took two strides forward, picked Hermione up and carried her into her own room.
"What the hell Malfoy! Put me down right now!" Hermione screeched, hitting his arms repeatedly.
"Fine," Malfoy responded, dumping her onto the floor unceremoniously. Smiling evilly he turned and swiftly disappeared into the bathroom, using multiple locking spells to ensure his privacy. He could hear Hermione's screams of frustration through the door, and smiled at himself in the mirror. He decided to make his shower twice as long.
Hermione stomped into the Great Hall twenty minutes late for breakfast, clearly aggravated and followed by an extremely amused Malfoy. Reaching the Gryffindor table she plopped down between Harry and Ron and closed her eyes, holding her head in her hands.
"Err, Hermione? Are you all right?" Harry asked, concerned. Ron looked at her, worried. "Would you be all right if you had to live with Malfoy?" Hermione replied through clenched teeth, glaring at her empty plate.
"Did he do anything to you Hermione?" Ron asked sharply, starting to rise from the table. Hermione placed a hand on his shoulder, pushing Ron back into his seat.
"Nothing beside being his usual obnoxious, greedy, spoiled, annoying, rude self." Hermione said. Ron didn't look very reassured.
"Did he try to hurt you Hermione? Or touch you?" He asked worriedly. Hermione almost laughed.
"No, he just kicked me out of my bathroom and didn't let me take a shower for about an hour. I swear I'm going to-"
"You share a bathroom?" Harry questioned, perplexed. Hermione sighed.
"Yup. And a common room, and patrol duties, and all of our classes…" Harry threw his arms around Hermione, giving her a huge hug.
"You poor, poor, poor girl…" He mumbled in her hair. Hermione laughed. Ron scowled.
"I don't like the idea of you getting so close to Malfoy, Hermione." Ron said seriously.
"Oh, and I do?" Hermione retorted, raising an eyebrow. Ginny approached them laughing, apparently just returning from the 6th year section of the table.
"Our poor little Hermione has to deal with the hot ass, er- annoying Slytherin!" She smiled, plopping down on Harry's lap. Harry blanched at Ginny's first description of Malfoy.
"There are some chairs around, you know," Ron offered, uncomfortably. Hermione smiled at Ron's discomfort and looked up just as schedules were passed out. The Great Hall grew quiet as the students studied their schedule.
"Well this confirms it." Harry said, carelessly throwing his schedule into his bag. "I'm screwed." Ignoring the comment, Hermione quickly reached into his bag to retrieve the crumpled paper.
"I have Defense Against the Dark Arts with you and Ron, along with Care for Magical Creatures… and Charms!" she exclaimed, happily.
"Don't you always have all of your classes with us?" Ron asked, studying her schedule over her shoulder.
"This year I'm taking some NEWT classes, so I have a different Transfigurations and Potions." Hermione replied, digging into her French toast. Ron smiled.
"Getting too smart for us common people, Hermione?" he joked. Ignoring him, Hermione checked her schedule once more.
"We have Care for Magical Creatures next, so we better hurry up. I can't wait to see what Hagrid has planned for this year," Hermione added jokingly. Harry and Ron shared a look that said all too well that they could very much wait to see what horrific dangerous creature Hagrid had decided to bring, but they silently followed Hermione as she stood up from the table.
"I'm going to miss you, sweetie." Hermione turned to find Harry pulling Ginny to his chest, giving her a hug that seemed to last a little too long.
"Aren't they going to see each other at lunch?" Ron whispered to Hermione, glaring at Harry. Hermione giggled and tugged Ron's sleeve playfully.
"Come on, stop obsessing over Harry and your sister already." Ron opened his mouth in protest but Hermione placed a finger under his chin, closing it.
"Come on. We're going to be late!" with a sigh Ron obeyed, allowing Hermione to drag him out of the Great Hall.
"Well isn't this cute? Granger taking her dog for a walk." Malfoy sneered as he approached Hermione and Ron as they reached the doorway.
"Fuck off, Malfoy. We both know the only reason you're here is you don't have any friends of your own to bother," Hermione snarled. Ron snorted in appreciation. Malfoy whirled on him.
"Stop acting like Granger's bitch, Weasel, and get a goddamn backbone. Oh, and some money while you're at it. I know there's a constant need for that at the Weasley shack…"
"Do the world a favor and crawl into some corner and die, ferret," Hermione suggested, linking arms with Ron, and pulling him away from Malfoy. Malfoy glared at her with such a cold fury it sent a shiver down Hermione's spine. As angry with herself as she was for being intimidated by him, she could only watch as he turned and headed to Hagrid's cabin, his robes billowing behind him and his hair gleaming in the sunlight. Hermione and Ron reluctantly followed.
"I hate that bloody git," Ron spat through clenched teeth. Hermione patted his arm reassuringly.
"Don't mind him, Ron. He's just an egotistical bastard who doesn't have any friends of his own to talk to."
"You wouldn't be talking about me, now would you?" Harry interjected with a grin, panting as he caught up to them.
"Finished snogging my sister have you?" Ron questioned, torn between disgust and amusement.
"Yup!" Harry winked at Hermione. Ron clenched his eyes shut, trying to destroy the disturbing images from his mind.
"Look, Hagrid's waving us over! We're probably really late!" Hermione exclaimed worriedly.
"Who cares?" Harry and Ron said together. Glaring at them, Hermione took off running, grabbing them by their sleeves, yet still arriving last.
"Abou' time," Hagrid greeted the class as they gathered before Hagrid's cabin, adjacent to the forbidden forest. "I bin waitin' fer a good ten minutes already! All right, Harry, Ron, Hermione?" Beaming at Hagrid, the three nodded their heads. As painful as his classes were, they could never destroy their deep affection for Hagrid. Hermione smiled, truly glad to be back in Hogwarts for the first time since their return. The rest of the class did not look so ecstatic.
"Right then," said Hagrid, "now listen carefully, 'cause they're dangerous what we're gonna see today… Follow me o'er 'ere. " Hermione looked up and noted with satisfaction that Malfoy looked extremely uneasy as Hagrid motioned the class to follow him around his cabin to the edge of the forbidden forest. Hermione wondered what Hagrid could possibly show them that he himself considered 'dangerous'. "Now these 'ere, ya gotta be careful handlin' them 'cause yer ne'er know when they could turn on ya…" the class peered not too anxiously into the surrounding forest.
"Erm, Hagrid…" Harry started. Hagrid motioned his silence. Staring at the forest brush fruitlessly, Hermione's gaze slid up the tree to meet the most disgusting creature she had ever seen. A half monkey, half bird creature peered through the thick branches back down at the class.
"Oh my," Hermione whispered, her hand covering her mouth. As if on cue, the class quickly followed Hermione's gaze.
"Ew, Hagrid what is that?" Lavender squealed her face contorted in disgust. Malfoy snorted from behind Lavender, cutting off Hagrid's reply.
"Don't bother asking Hagrid, Brown. I'm sure Granger is just itching for the chance to show off." Harry, Hermione and Ron turned to face Malfoy.
"At least I know what it is Malfoy. And oh how they act just like tiny little white ferrets banging against walls…"
"Class-" Hagrid said urgently.
"Weak Granger. But don't worry, I'm sure something else will come to you sometime this year." The Slytherins roared with laughter. The Gryffindors glared daggers at them.
"Hermione… Malfoy…" Hagrid tried again.
"At least I don't need to pay some stupid whore to hang off my arm all day so I can feel like I have friends!" Hermione shouted her eyes narrowed at Pansy, who Malfoy hadn't been able to shake off yet. Pansy dropped her arm from Malfoy's, glaring at Hermione.
"Well at least-" Malfoy was cut off as Hagrid frantically shouted over the class.
"L'esaks are forest demons that attack when they're disturbed!" he yelled as the L'esak flew from the tree and swooped down on the unsuspecting class. Chaos reigned, and class ended with the students running out of the forest and into the castle at top speed. Hermione soon found herself in the Great Hall next to Ron, who was looking rather pale.
"Bloody hell, there's one way you know you're back in Hogwarts- getting chased out of Hagrid's class! Honestly…"Hermione watched Ron head down the opposite corridor, shaking his head. Heaving a sigh, Hermione slung her book bag back over her shoulder and trudged up the main stairs to try to find her way back to her dorm.
A/N: according to my friend/beta reader, L'esaks really are these hideous forest demons. However since I couldn't find any pictures on google, I named them myself. If anyone has heard of them or knows what they look like, let me know. Also- the chapter titles and actually the title itself are song lyrics. Just so ya know. Thanks for reading! Please please please please review! Please? ;)