A/N: WOW for the reviews! They made me feel so special! And see, they motivated me! yay! (note: Last chapter title was taken from System of a Down- Chop Suey, this chapter's is Nirvana- Lithium- go out and listen to good music!)
PinkTribeChick- you're one step ahead of me! Thanks for the review, and cookies to you for you're excellent prediction!
Someone- another cookie distributed awesome guess! Thanks for reviewing!
Darlightprincess- a… monkey? Being… butt raped? Interesting analogy... thanks… I guess?
Nairim- like, omi-gosh! Thanks for the review! There will be special Draco-blushing action, just for you. another cookie
Soho Lychee- Thanks so much! I have issues with OOC-ness too, so I'm glad they seem in character while insane at the same time (what can I say? A funny Draco is so much more fun than a moody one ;) ).
Elvenrarehunter- Thanks for the review! It's great to get some feedback about whether they are in character or not since I'm kind of going off and making them more insane than they appear in the books. Thanks so much!
Nosilla- muahahaha… hell, with no wands. LOL I'm having way to much fun torturing these characters… thanks for reviewing!
AclownNeverDies- ::valley::? Sorry, missed that one. LOL I know, I'm horrible. But I'm updating! Yay! ;) thanks for the review!
Ilovetom88- yay! Glad to know that my own twisted humor is not lost on others! Thanks for reviewing!
Mir- hahahahaaaa yes… I had fun with McGonagall. My friend read this over and was seriously disturbed by it, so I'm glad someone finds the value in it! Thanks!
Eliria- Hermione's smart, I'm sure she'll be able to get in touch with the other 'couples' ;). Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you enjoy the chapter!
Monkez in springtime- thanks so much! Did everyone just discover this fic this past chapter? lol thanks for reviewing!
Maisarah- I actually read on J.K. Rowling's site that she intended for Ginny's name to be Geneva, and everyone just kinda assumed it was something else. I don't know… decided to go with it… lol. Thanks for reading and reviewing! U rock!
Paprika90- you DIDN'T know he lived in Surrey?! Oh my God! Glad I could educate you… poor Tom… one more stalker added to his list… thanks for the review and good guess! ;)
Jesus4ever- Thanks so much for your awesome reviews! U rock my socks ;)
Kyra Malfoy- lol thanks for the review! Here's ur chapter!
Fire Fairy- Thanks so much! Keep reading!
Chapter 8- I'm so horny, but that's OK
Draco looked up in amazement as a short, plump woman ran straight at Hermione, who was at this point cowering beside him. Instinctively, Draco stepped between them, shielding Hermione from the scary woman in an apron. That is, until the scary woman in the apron reached them and pushed Draco to the ground before throwing her arms around Hermione.
So much for chivalry, Hermione thought bitterly as her Draco-shield failed, allowing her aunt to attack her in a torrent of hugs and kisses.
"Oh Hermione baby!! I haven't seen you since you went off to that mysterious boarding school that no one has ever heard about - Hogsdung was it? It's a wonder I was able to recognize you after all these years!! Of course once I saw your name in the letter, I knew you must be coming, and then you haven't grown much since I last saw you; you certainly haven't taken after my side of the family in the breast area, if you know what I mean-" Hermione cowered before the evil spawn that had claimed her aunt's body. Surely she could not truly be related to her. By this point, Draco had finally managed to recover from the large woman shoving into him, and was wiping off loose pieces of grass while trying to stifle a laugh as he caught Hermione's eye. Hermione longed for him to be in hitting range.
"-I just can't believe I get to be with my own niece, when I signed up for receiving students my cat Doxy –do you remember Doxy, Hermione? - Had just passed away, and I needed someone to feed and clean, and now I get my very own niece all to myself!!!"
"Real great, Aunt Evy," Hermione muttered, while cursing her wand for being all the way in her trunk. Draco coughed. Evy rounded on him.
"Where in God's name did you come from?" Evy demanded, pointing a finger straight at Draco's face. Hermione smiled sweetly.
"Aunt Evy, this horrid boy has been following me since I left school, I think he's stalking me-"
"Oh but of course! I forgot for a moment I was receiving two students after the excitement of seeing you again, Hermy! You must be Drake then?" Evy smiled down at Draco in quite a condescending way even though he was about a foot taller than she was. Draco offered a nervous smile in return. Hermione cleared her throat. Unperturbed, Evy continued. "Now what are we all doing out here in the cold? Let's go inside a brew a nice cup of tea, shall we?" Grabbing Hermione and Malfoy's arms, she gave them a quick squeeze before dragging them up to the house, talking nonstop. Hermione dug her heels into the earth, but was nonetheless propelled forward. Draco was quite surprised at the unexpected force pulling him as he was pulled into a small, quaint, yellow house with red trimming.
"Now why don't you two just sit down here-" Evy unexpectedly forced Hermione and Draco down into pink chairs with a faint smell of cat- "while I brew us a cup of tea. Feel free to look around Hermy… you too Draco!"
"My name is Hermione," Hermione interjected. Evy's smile never left her face as she gave them a small shrug.
"Pish, posh, Hermy," Evy threw over her shoulder as she left for the kitchen.
"HER-MY-OWN-NEE!" Hermione shouted at Evy's retreating back. Draco broke out in peals of laughter. "Oh shut up," Hermione snapped.
"Your- your aunt- our host-!" Draco started shaking violently from his uncontrolled laughter.
"Think this is funny Malfoy? Hm? Well, I'll show you!" Hermione laughed in turn as she opened Crookshank's cage, setting the horny cat loose upon Draco's leg.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Draco screeched, his eyes wide with terror as Crookshanks started making inappropriate movements against him.
"Pity, I would have thought any cat of mine would have better taste," Hermione commented apathetically. Draco literally snarled.
"Tea is served!" Evy re-emerged carrying a tray with three mugs arranged upon it. Hermione had endured enough torture, however. There was no way she was about to sit and spend unknown hours chatting and making nice with her least-favorite aunt and Draco Malfoy. Nope. Not going to happen.
"Thank you very much Aunt Evy, however I am feeling a trifle bit worn-out from the journey, and I was hoping that I might be able to get an early sleep tonight," Hermione said politely, trying her best not to run from the room.
"Oh of course, dumpling! Why don't I just show you to your room, me and Drake can spend some quality time together, can't we Drakey?" Evy indicated to Draco, whose eyes widened in disbelief.
"It's DRA-CO!" Draco cried out, stomping the ground with impatience.
"Yes," Hermione smiled widely, "you spend some quality time with Drakey, Aunt Evy, and I'll go to bed."
It took Draco quite awhile to register what Hermione had said, most likely due to all the horrific events that had taken place. Draco thought back to everything he had experienced throughout his life. Yes. Today most definitely was his worst. Except for Granger's kiss, a nasty little voice in the back of his head said. Yes, that was nice… wait! No! That was the WORST part. The absolutely worst thing! Dirty little Mud-
"Now that Hermy's all sorted out," Evy's voice broke through Draco's internal debate, "we have a chance to get to know each other…" Draco paled as Crookshanks settled in his lap and Evy began to talk.
Hermione almost felt bad. At least, there was a small voice in the back of her head telling her that she should feel some remorse for leaving a pureblood wizard who had been alienated most of his life from anything even close to a muggle, alone in a room with her Aunt Evy. But no. Hermione sat down on a rather lumpy bed and looked around her new room. Maroon striped wallpaper was peeling from the walls, the carpet was practically worn through, the smell of cat had submerged itself forever and on the whole, it was rather cramped. Hermione sighed as she kicked off her shoes and stripped down of her muggle clothing, replacing them with a mismatched plaid set of pajamas. It wasn't as if her Aunt was poor, she just didn't put the time in to fixing up an old house. Hermione strongly suspected her of having ADD. And Tourettes. And Down syndrome…
Looking forward to a nice, hot shower in the morning, Hermione slumped down on her bed, intending to have a nice, long, uninterrupted sleep.
That is, until her traitorous mind drifted to Draco. Hermione's eyes snapped open. She had not just been thinking about the kiss they had shared. Definitely not in a good way!
No, no, no! Hermione squeezed her eyes shut. Ok, think Hermione! It's natural for you to feel… something… about that kiss! It has nothing to do with Malfoy! It just hormones, that's all! Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm having that hormonal in-love-with-guys-now-I'm-going-to-turn-into-a-pathetic-pile-of-giggles stage that I've been avoiding! I'M HAVING THAT STAGE AND I'M ALONE WITH DRACO FOR THE NEXT THREE MONTHS! Maybe I can skip it… puberty isn't that important… wait! What am I saying! I went through that stage! With Victor! Forth year! Yes… yes… I'm safe from the evil clutches of biology. Then why did I like, no, TOLERATE kissing Draco? Cause he's hot shit… no!
"NO!" Hermione screamed, sitting up in bed, unaware of how her voice carried throughout the entire house. Taking deep breaths, she decided to hold off on further verbal outbursts as she noted the decrease in noise level from the living room.
Ok, calm Hermione, calm. Ok. I'll think about Draco later. Evy first. I cannot live with my aunt and Draco Malfoy for the next six months… very bad… you know what, maybe I just liked it because I haven't been kissed for a long time. Well, at least since Victor… a measly two years… Oh my God! No! That would make me McGonagall! I'm going to become sex-deprived! I AM sex-deprived! Oh God, Oh God, Oh God…
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Hermione screamed. Aunt Evy stopped talking and looked at Draco. Draco was finally shaken from plotting the death of the muggle before him and stared back. Evy cleared her throat.
"Ahem, well it seems that Hermione dear must be having some bad dreams! Here! Bring her some tea!"
"WHAT?!" Draco snapped in alarm. If this woman actually thought that he was going to go up to Granger's room and offer her tea and talking time then she was gravely mistaken.
Draco found himself outside of Hermione's door with a tray in hand five minutes later. Nervously he cleared his throat, while knocking tentatively on the door. Hermione was not someone he wanted to deal with right now. He had his own problems, damn it! He was suffering from caffeine withdrawal! Tea! Tea! Everything is tea! Need… coffee… ahhhh!
"I'm coming in Granger!" Draco snarled, grabbing the tray with one arm while trying to maneuver the door open with the other. To find… Hermione. Asleep.
Grrrr. Come all the way up here and she goes to sleep on me! She's able to sleep in the horrendous coffee-deprived shack! Why should she sleep when I can't? Why! Why! Draco's eyes began to bulge. Finally reaching the point where caffeine withdrawal does strange things to certain addicts, Draco stomped over to Hermione's bed, fully intending to wake her up, until he took a good look at her. Awww she doesn't look that evil up close. So peaceful… shouldn't wake… what am I doing!! This is WHY I cannot be off coffee! It messes with me! Nooo!!!! In an attempt to regain his ahem, stoic manliness, Draco made a running leap at the bed to land in a tangle upon an extremely groggy Hermione.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Hermione screamed.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Draco fell off the bed. Aunt Evy looked up from her pink armchair in the living room, realizing in amazement that the couch she had been talking to for the past twenty minutes was not Draco.
"What are you doing jumping on me Draco Malfoy?!" Hermione hissed, clutching her sheets protectively around her. Draco got up from the ground, attempting a dignified manner while rubbing his head tenderly.
"Err…" Draco didn't quite know what to say. How was he supposed to explain that in his extremely caffeine-deprived state of mind he was overcome with a need to fly across the room and land upon her sleeping form? And then all of a sudden it seemed extremely funny.
"Heh…" Draco couldn't suppress a small smile.
"Excuse me?" Hermione demanded incredulously.
"Hahahaha!" Draco was now laughing. Draco Malfoy was laughing out of a malicious content. Hermione wondered if she needed to get her ears checked.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Draco's maniac laughter had reached a new level; he was actually gripping the dresser in an attempt to hold himself up.
THUMP. Draco was now rolling on the floor, laughing insanely. Hermione was very, very nervous. Precariously, she slid out of bed and approached Draco.
"Umm… Draco?"
"MAHAAAA!" was the only response she received. Not sure what else to do since (in her opinion), it was much too late to feed Draco coffee, she slovenly grabbed one of his arms and dragged him from her room.
"Eh, hehe, Granger… what are you doing? Ahh! Where are you taking me?! HELP! HELP! I'M BEING RAPED!" Hermione looked down in amazement at the usually cool tempered Malfoy.
"Bloody Slytherins," Hermione muttered as she heaved Draco through a doorway that she remembered to be Evy's only other guest room. By this point Draco had managed to stumble to his feet and was being propelled forward by Hermione's index finger sticking into his back. With a sharp poke from behind, Hermione managed to shove Draco successfully on the bed.
"Malfoy, be a good boy and don't bother me again tonight and I promise I'll take you to a Starbucks first thing in the morning." Draco arranged himself on the bed and looked up at Hermione with a trademark smirk. Hermione could not believe this was the same person who had been laughing maniacally and falling over himself moments before.
"Yes mommy, but only if you promise to buy me a double-shot-white-chocolate-mocha-with-skim-milk-and-nutmeg-syrup when we get there," Draco smirked up at Hermione's disturbed face.
"Draco, where we're going, they have triple shots." Hermione smiled and left the room before Draco could start foaming at the mouth. She just had the best idea where Draco could work for the next three months…
Draco woke up the next morning with a throbbing headache. Where am I? Oh my God. I died. I died and now I've been reincarnated to a peasant to amend for all the wrong things I've done. I'm sorry! Please! I take it back! I'll do anything for my satin sheets! I understand how bad I was! HELP! Draco slowly opened his eyes, hoping to find himself back at Malfoy Manor. Nope. He was still in hell. Sluggishly he stumbled from his room to walk straight into a scary pink blob with curlers before him. Ah. Evy. Hermione's dear Aunt Evy. Fun.
"Drakey! You look so bad!! There's a shower down the hall to your right- you can try to fix up your hair before breakfast!" Draco instinctively searched his pockets for his wand lying just out of reach in his trunk in an attempt to blast the stupid muggle to pieces, but after realizing that he was stuck in a hell with no wand, he decided to run to a mirror instead.
Hermione was taken aback for a moment when Draco walked down her Aunt's stairs, his hair dripping and his skin alight with a faint pink tinge from the shower. It was quite different to have to live with Draco at Hogwarts than to see Draco come into her Aunt's kitchen in muggle clothing. Hermione had almost forgot she had been subjected to this torture with him. She quickly shoved the rest of her bagel in her mouth as Draco gave her a dirty look.
"Why are you eating, Granger?" Hermione glared back in infuriation.
"What, calling me fat now, Malfoy?" Malfoy raised an eyebrow in amusement.
"Someone having self-esteem issues, Granger?" Draco drawled, amused as a blush crept up Hermione's cheeks. Cutting Hermione's sputters of indignation short, he added, "I merely asked since you promised me Starbucks last night. Although, I can't disagree with your second statement."
"Piece of-"
"Darlings!" Evy burst into the kitchen, intruding upon their privacy. "We need to decide where you want to find work!" Expecting this, Hermione jumped at the opportunity.
"You're absolutely right, Evy! If fact, why don't I take the car and Draco and I can go job hunting this morning!" Evy frowned, obviously hoping she would have some part to play in this.
"…. And then maybe we can come home for lunch and go over the application process with you?" Hermione added quickly. Evy's expression cleared up considerably.
"That sounds marvelous dear! Here are the keys; the car is in the driveway! Oh, and some cash for lunch! Have fun dumplings!" Hermione smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. "… Just make sure to pay me back once you get a job! And for gas! Ok! Have fun!"
Hermione let out a low growl. Draco anxiously grabbed her by the elbow and directed her to the car.
"Um, Hermione, can you drive?" Draco looked skeptically at the piece of junk that Evy labeled a car. Hermione shrugged.
"Sure. But I need someone over 21 with me. And I'm not supposed to have anyone besides family with me. But that's ok!" Hermione felt very confident with her driving skills. Those laws were for people who didn't know how to drive.
"Hell no!" Draco paled and backed away, refusing to get into the passenger seat. "Do you think I'd actually trust some muggle contraption that you drive?"
"Stay and spend quality time with my aunt then," Hermione suggested, getting into the car and turning the keys in the ignition. Draco scrambled into the car, trying to make himself appear small as possible. Rolling her eyes, Hermione backed smoothly out of the driveway, and headed in the general direction of town. Draco scrunched his eyes close and pulled his knees up to his chest, as though preparing for Hermione to drive the car off the road into the ocean. Hermione used this time to sneak glances at the stupid blond sitting beside her. Last night must have been her emotions going haywire or something, because this couldn't be someone she was lusting over. His blond hair falling all over his face due to lack of magical gel, his eyes screwed tightly shut and a pink flush on his cheeks could not be the face of a guy Hermione Granger liked. And his baggy jeans paired with a black button-down tee shirt? Disgusting.
"Any reason you're looking at me and not the road, Granger?" Draco asked without opening his eyes, jolting Hermione from her recap of Draco's wardrobe. Hermione fought the blush she felt creeping up her cheeks.
"You wish, ferret face," Hermione struggled for a comeback. The corners of Draco's lips curved into an evil, twisted smile.
"I don't wish, I peek," he replied, opening his eyes before winking at Hermione.
Hermione growled. "Cheater," she mumbled as she parked the car and left. Draco looked around, finally able to sit up straight. So Starbucks would be…
"Over here, Mr. I-have-to-flatter-myself-because-no-girl-in-their-right-mind-would-want-me!" Hermione indicated to an adjoining street as she started to push through the pedestrians.
"Thank you so much, Miss I-have-to-stare-at-guys-while-they-aren't-looking-because-if-they-were-looking-my-hair-would-give-them-an-aneurysm."
"You are ever so welcome, Mr-"
"Hermione, please calm yourself. People are starting to stare," Draco cut Hermione off in mock indignation before strolling confidently towards the now very obvious Starbucks.
"I- but- you- I hate you!!!" Hermione screeched at Draco's back.
"Ta, darling," Draco waved his hand behind him in a very aristocratic manner. Glaring daggers into his back, Hermione followed Draco into Starbucks.
"One triple-shot-cinnimon-almond-hot-latté-with-skim-milk-please-and-foam," Draco said in a rush, glad to have changed his order to a latté. It was a tough decision. Draco hated tough decisions. Wait. Maybe he should have gotten the other one! White chocolate mochas were very sweet… but… oh hell. "Also, can I have one tripe-shot-white-chocolate-mocha-with-skim-milk-and-nutmeg-syrup please," Draco added on an impulse. He sighed in content. Ah, the beauty of not having to make a decision. In short, the beauty of money. Which, he didn't have any of. Wait. Money.
"Hermione?" Draco spun around to find Hermione missing. "Hermione? Granger? Mudblood? Beaver? Damn it Granger, where are you?!" he called out, oblivious to the irritated looks he was receiving. Draco glanced around nervously. The sales clerk regarded Draco skeptically. Draco panicked.
"Um… err… I seem to have misplaced my money… silly me. Could you, um, perhaps take an um, take an I Owe You?" The brunette girl ringing Draco up snorted.
"I'm going to get the manager," she replied, stepping back from the counter.
"Wait! No! Don't go! Look, I'm down here looking for a job, I'm staying with a friend for awhile, and, well maybe I could work off my tab?" Draco cringed at his own words. A Malfoy. Work. The brunette stopped short.
"Tell you what. You…" reaching over the counter, the brunette traced a finger up Draco's arm, "give me your number, and I…" brunette girl leaned over the counter to close some of the gap between them, "will do anything you ask me to." Draco smirked. This was how a Malfoy was supposed to get service.
I wonder what my 'number', is? Draco contemplated as he exited Starbucks with one Vendi coffee in each hand, contemplating his second encounter with a muggle. He concluded that they were very strange creatures indeed. Up ahead he could see a blob shape of a girl with frizzy brown hair approaching him from the left. Oh, Granger is going to pay for that, he thought evilly of her departure in his dire need of money, smirking in a way that would scare Voldemort himself. Poor Hermione would never know what hit her.
A/N: If I'm getting anything wrong Britishly, please correct me. I'm not going back to England until next summer so I not exactly up-to-par with their driving ages, restrictions, jobs… whatever. I am also contemplating whether to bump this story up to a rated R or keep it as a PG-13. There are two different ways I want to take this story, so I'm going to have a vote. REVIEW AND LET ME KNOW WHETHER YOU THING I SHOULD BUMP UP THE RATING! THIS WILL DETERMINE HOW I AM GOING TO WRITE THE STORY FROM NOW ON!
And review please! ;)