I didn't go to Barns today. I know he will probably get on at me for it, but I just couldn't, I was too confused, I guess. Mom got a letter in the mail this morning, from my so called 'biological father.' My mom has always told me about him, its not like it was ever some big secret. They were seeing each other when they were young, he was an angry person and would sometimes hurt her. Which is why she made sure he was long gone before she had me. He didn't mind, she told me. It was a get out clause for him after all, only he wouldn't be seen as the bad guy as she was pushing him away. Anyway, he wrote to me today, but addressed it to her.
She came up to my room while I was getting ready to see Barns. I thought it was strange that she made me sit down in front of her - and closed the door behind her. She told me that whatever I wanted to do was up to me - I wasn't to think I would be letting her down or anything. Its my life, my father, my choice.
I read the letter through a few time before it really sank in. It was really corny. He says he had some near death experience which made him realise he needs to see his son. Very corny. And not very smart too - lots of contradictions, and spelling mistakes too. Father with an r? That's a first - he could have at least spell checked the damn thing.
I told mom I didn't care, she should ignore it, I would be. She asked if I was sure and I told her I was certain. It took him almost 16 years to write a damn letter, that sums him up. I don't care about him, I don't want to know him, so why bother complicating things? He is nothing to me. She seemed a little unsure about my response, as though I was saying it to make her happy. I'm not too sure if I am or not. I'm curious, I will admit that. After all, he is part of me. But then again, why should I go all out for him when he waited over 15 years before making contact with me?
Still, as against the idea as I am, I can't make myself throw the letter away, that I don't understand. Its strange. I'm angry, more than anything. At his cheek really - his arrogance to write to me now, as though everything is all right. One damn letter in my entire life. The fuing bstard. That's how I feel about him.
My mom left me after a big hug, and I admit there were tears in my eyes, I think that was why she left. She knows how much I hate to cry, especially in front of people. I tried to pull myself together and forget about it, but I can't help but read the letter over and over as though it will finally help me understand something. I dont know what I'm looking for, but I can't deny that I've never thought about him. About why he never cared enough to try contact me before - why I wasn't good enough.
But that doesn't matter, its all mushy, unimportant thoughts. I just need to ignore it and move on. And ignore the damn letter. I went for a walk down the beach afterwards to clear my head and climbed up some of the sand dunes, It didn't really help, if anything it gave me more time to think.
Hopefully I will sleep it off and forget about the whole thing.
Jack.