I decided to go to Barns today. I've already missed a few sessions recently so I thought about not going again. But I decided that the more I miss the longer the lecture is going to be when I finally do go, so I might as well get over with it today. I thought about just never going again, but that would cause problems when I go back to school. For some reason they think that it is important that I see the old man each week.
When I got there I went straight in and Barns greeted me and was very enthusiastic. I was surprised by the session actually. I expected to get told off for not going recently but instead I got the opposite. He apologised for having the man in my last session, saying it was stupid and unprofessional of him, I don't know who he was. Barns also said he was very happy that I decided to give him another try.
We talked about all of the usual stuff, and he asked me if anything had been happening in the last week or so that I want to talk about. Of course I said no, but he was looking at me as if he could see right into me and knew what was winding me up so much inside. To make things even harder all I could see in my head was that stupid letter, folded up into a tight square hidden with Terri's phone number in my drawer. I don't know why it came to me when he asked, and I almost spoke about it, but quickly decided not to after the thought entered my head. I don't think talking to him about it is such a good idea. What if he told my mom?
He said he wanted to try some new exercises with me, and I ended up staying there twice the normal time I usually do, but he said it didn't matter as he had some extra space in his schedule today. After we finished with the normal things he asked me about school next year, what I think about it, which subjects I want to chose and my thoughts on what I might do after it. I didn't say much, I haven't even thought about it. I dont even know what I am doing next week, how should I know what I want to do in a years time? He laughed when I asked him that and said it didn't matter, but I ought to start giving it some thought soon. I said I would, just not right away, next year is ages away!
Since I got home I can't stop wondering if maybe telling Dr.Barnes what is bothering me will help. I just can't see it making things better, and I don't like the thought of telling anyone something like this. And its not like he wants to hear about my problems. Nobody cares about anything going on outside their own personal little bubble that's life. Still, it would be good if I could get it out of me head.
I'm not replying to it, I'm not meeting him. I'm forgetting about it all. Just pretend you never read the darn letter. I wish my mom had never showed it me. Of course I understand why she did, but it was a lot nicer not knowing who the hell he was and why the hell he never gave a sh!t about his son.
I just can't help but wonder how different things would be if he and mom had stayed together, would my life be better of worse? It doesn't matter anyway, because they didn't, so I don't know why I'm asking these pointless questions. I should just deal with what did happen and get on with my life - and forget about that jerk, whoever he is.
Jack.