I went to Barns today, and for the first time ever I actually felt better afterwards, as though I had benefited from going. When I went in he asked me what I had done to my hand, as my right one was quite bruised with a big scab on it. I was quiet for a while as I decided what to do. I made my mind up that I would tell him the truth. This way I could see how he would react and if he actually had anything useful to say about it. If he did, then I would consider telling him what I am really up to more often. Then who knows from there.
As I said that I got involved in a fight I swear I saw a small smirk on his face before he covered it up. He asked me if I wanted to tell him what happened, and so I did. I said there are some people who me and my friends don't get on with, and one of my friends was getting jumped by a few of those people, so I joined in. I told him that I was with another friend at the time who didn't wane me to, but I did anyway. Even though I knew I shouldn't.
Barns asked me how I felt about it and I said I wasn't sure. I knew that it was wrong to get involved in a fight that didn't concern me, but I didn't want to see my friend get hurt, or give the other people the satisfaction of hurting him. And most of all, I wanted to join in anyway. I wanted to have a go at them.
We went through the motions as usual, did you get angry? Of course I got angry if I hadn't been angry I would have listened to my friend! After this he spoke about responsibility and if I feel that I did the right thing by joining in. I told him I wasn't sure, partly yes because my friend was getting hurt, but partly no because I wanted to hurt Craig. Barns said that that was okay then, as long as I realised I wasn't completely in the wrong, or the right.
He also said that in the future I should try to control my anger again, as I told him I didn't give his exercises a minutes though before jumping in. He said if I stop a moment before and do all of those calming things then it might help. After we finished he said that the best thing to do would be to stay out of fights in general, but just try and keep from loosing my temper. He said going in and having a fight is not the problem, it is the aggression which surfaces from it which is. If I loose it then its one step forward two steps back. I told him I'd do what he said next time, if there was a next time.
While walking home I couldn't get everything that Barns said from my head, I really do think he helped today. He didn't make me feel bad about fighting, but told me what to do next time it happens. I thought he would give me a lecture about how violence is not the answer, but he didn't. Instead he accepted the fact that I wouldn't listen to those childish sayings and gave me real advice. And he spoke to me like an equal too, not like Jimmys mom did when we got back to his last night. Maybe I will be more truthful with Barns when something is bothering me, it seemed to work today. Not the letter though, that hasn't even been on my mind recently. No point in surfacing it to get rid of it, that would be pretty stupid! It will go way on its own.
Jack.