I didn't go to Barns today, as I didn't feel up to his probing questions. I may have been persuaded to go but mom didn't do so much as shrug when I told her. It's not like it affects her, so I don't know why I imagined her to be bothered. Part of me considered going to just to spite her, but then I didn't want to go at all, I was kind of scared that I would end up telling Barns what was running through my head. Too many thoughts that's for sure; Zack, Mom, Dave, Lauren and Brian's divorce, and if Jimmy should know I know, and of course the stupid letter from that worthless piece of sh!t, I still haven't forgotten about that.
It feels like everything is building up inside my head and I'm scared I'm going to explode from the pressure its making while locked inside. Part of me wishes I had smacked Zack last night, I can still see him stood there goading me, that look on his face, thinking he had some sort of control over me - he doesn't know nothing, I'd love to tear him apart. But I don't want to give him the satisfaction of that, then he would know just how much he got to me, so screw him, and screw my mom too. I can't believe she took his side over me, her son! So much for the whole 'family comes first' slogan. She's just selfish, then maybe I am too, for feeling so sorry for myself over this whole issue. I am trying to just ignore it but it keeps popping back up, preventing me from forgetting it at all.
I guess I can easily solve the phone problem, I can get a cheap one with a few days wages. And the Zack issue will go away if I keep stopping myself from reacting, stop letting him provoke me. I haven't seen him since last night, he still hasn't come home. He's probably asleep in an all night bar under a table. Sounds about right for him.
I guess I could have gone to Barns today, he would be pleased to know that his precious 'restraining' tactics worked. Well, they worked once, who knows what will happen next time he starts. I can handle letting him have his say, but if he goes for me again I'm going to swing back, screw this 'anger problem,' I'm not letting him walk all over me. Getting my temper in check is one thing, but that's the other extreme, and I have no intention of stopping myself in that situation, even if I could.
Mom was home all day, laid on the couch watching television, surprise surprise. She barely spoke to me all morning, only breaking her silence to instruct me to feed Cazzy. The rest of the time she sat in silence giving me one of her dirty looks. She clearly blames me for Zack's paddy, again, no surprise there.
I went to see Terri as soon as I left the house. She answered the door surprised to see me and quietly asked me if I would mind waiting for her by the shops at the end of her street. She came out ten minutes later, claiming that her father wanted her to stay in, due to the cold weather, but she managed to talk him around. She didn't explain why she was so eager for me to wait out of view, but I could take a few educated guesses. She didn't want her parents to see me, she was embarrassed, maybe I looked bad stood next to the grand house. It's not like I dress in crap stuff but its not the expensive designer stuff Terri is never seen without. Anyway, I didn't ask her why she asked me to wait, I don't want to complicate things for her, or make her think I'm being awkward; as I'm not, I was simply curious.
I told her how I lost my phone so she wasn't wondering why I wasn't texting her back. She seemed to believe my story, although even if she didn't I doubt she would tell me so. After a while it started to rain and Terri suggested we go somewhere to shelter from it. I told her that I would have invited her around to mine but me and my mom are not exactly on the best terms right now. She didn't seem bothered, but then she didn't mention her house either.
I know I am probably reading into too much, but I wouldn't blame her if she was embarrassed about me. Not that I would have ever pegged her as someone to think about people in terms of money, she isn't shallow like that, but maybe her family is. I don't know, I think I'm over analysing everything. I'm still mad about Mom and Zack's accusations, thinking I had stolen something. I would never dream of doing something as low as that, do they think I have no self respect?
Terri doesn't think of me like that, I know, but I just don't like the thought of people thinking I would thieve something. That's not me. Maybe others view me like that, they must do if my own mom did. And I'm not exactly Mr. Popular at school, with the teachers or the pupils. I do have friends but they are all from the same part of town as me... except for Terri. Maybe she is coming to her senses and realising that she is too good for me. I hope not, I really like her, she's special, I can feel it. But I can't blame her if she does feel that way, and its not exactly a lie that she could do better. Much better.
Jack.