Epilogue!

Big news, everybody! As a matter of fact, I do own YGO! Takahashi-sama read this and was so impressed that he decided to give it to me, free of charge! Isn't that awesome?

Yeah, right. Don't own YGO. Never will.

They had decided to have a beach bonfire before the Ishtars left.

"They" meant Yuugi, Jonouchi, Bakura, Honda, and Anzu. The Ishtars had not been involved in the planning process at all, and at first Malik was a little dubious about going. Being among Yuugi and the others was still uncomfortable, and Malik really would have preferred to just go home without facing them at all.

But no, they had to throw a party.

Isis and Rishid wouldn't let Malik bring a book, either. "This party is being thrown for you, Malik," Isis scolded lightly. "You're going to have fun with them."

So, the day after Malik started talking again, he found himself on the beach at sunset with Yuugi and the others.

Malik sat by the bonfire they'd created, glad for its heat and its light. All of Yuugi's friends were having a "water-balloon fight." It was a new concept to Malik, but the main purpose of the game seemed to be getting soaked to the skin. Malik had opted out.

Staring into the flames, he found himself slipping into the thoughts that he'd tried to hold back before. This time, instead of resisting them, he took out a pad of paper and pen from the small backpack he'd brought and began to write.

He wrote down everything that came to his head without stopping to re-read it. For almost a half-hour he sat there, scribbling down his thoughts in a strange mix of Japanese, Arabic, and Egyptian.

Finally he ran out of things to say. As he put his pen away, his eyes floated uncertainly to the top of the paper, and he began to read.

Pharaoh—

Did you think I had completely changed after Battle City? Did I pull the act off well enough for you? I said I'd been looking forward to seeing all of you again, but that was a lie. I was terrified when you came. I suffered a lot, those two days. It was hard to be around you guys. It still is.

Mostly that's because of how I feel about what I did during Battle City. Everything I did was terrible. I hurt everyone so much, not just you, but your friends and even my own siblings, in my selfish quest for revenge.

But it's also hard for me to be around all of you because I haven't been able to change completely. When I look at Yuugi, sometimes I still see you and all the suffering my clan has endured for your sake. When I look at Jonouchi, sometimes I still see the boy who thwarted my control and my perfect plan to kill you.

So what do you think of that? Have I gone back to being the cursed traitor in your eyes? Or will you continue to forgive me, like everyone else does? I've never wanted forgiveness. I'm still waiting for the punishment I deserve, the punishment that just won't come. My clan's laws rule that the penalty for traitors is death, but you forbade that option during the final duel of Battle City. So you're still holding me captive, in this despicable in-between state.

See? There's still hatred. I still hate all of you and I hate the fact that you've forgiven me. I hate it so much that sometimes that chokes out all of my other thoughts, my other words. I've tried to just push those feelings away, into other parts of my mind, but that doesn't help. They're still there. And there was a time when I believed they would always be there. I believed that I'd be like this forever. I thought I was pathetic for not being able to change, but I didn't think there was anything I could do.

I still don't know what I can do. Whenever I catch myself thinking something negative, change it to something positive? I don't even think that would work. Forcing a change that way would be dishonest and superficial. And obviously, pushing them away just makes them stronger. So I don't know what I'll do. But I can promise that I'll try.

Because I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry I can't be the perfect, repented soul that you expected to see. And you have no idea how much I hate myself for what I did during Battle City.

That's what I have to live with. So maybe, in the end, that's my punishment. Death would have been kinder.

Malik's face steadily got hotter and hotter in shame as he read what he'd written. All of it was true, and that's what made it so horrible. Every single one of the sarcastic, angry, disgusting words was really how Malik felt.

As despair twisted his face, Malik ripped out the page he'd written on and crumpled it up, then raised his arm to throw the paper into the fire. He had to make sure that no one found out he felt this way—

But he lowered his arm again. How would that be different from what he'd been doing for the past month? He wasn't supposed to hide his feelings anymore. He had to deal with their consequences rather than running away. So, reluctantly, he flattened out the paper, keeping it face-down as he got rid of the creases.

Maybe someday he'd be able to get rid of these feelings in another way—an honest way.

"What's that paper, Malik?" a voice asked from behind Malik. He turned to see Yuugi standing there, looking at him with a genuine, friendly curiosity.

Though all Malik's instinct cried out for him not to answer, he replied truthfully, "I was writing down… some of my thoughts. It doesn't really matter, I guess. At least… At least I hope that someday, these thoughts won't matter… to my heart at all. That's what I hope. Because I want…" Malik pressed his lips together and then gave a slightly apologetic smile. "I want to change."

So, now for random information! Hope none of this scares you too much XD.

This fanfiction was started in late December.
In the original blab-write I did for this story (written after chapter one), I felt that it got "too dramatic, too fast," which led to the story's name (different from title): TDTF! So, it's actually called "TDTF." Don't believe anyone who tries to tell you it's called "Choking." XD.
Originally, there were going to be more guilt "attacks" like the one at the dock. I scratched that idea when I couldn't really think of very many.
The "soundtrack" while writing this was a DDR sampler CD. I did not choose this CD because it fit with the mood; I chose it because when I started the fic, I had just re-discovered it.
Chapter five was hardest to write T.T And chapter seven was pretty hard too.
The bonfire party was originally going to be a beach barbeque. Then one day I realized that barbeque means meat. It was pretty funny, actually.
The strategy of changing negative thoughts to positive ones came from my health book. Yay for dissing the health book!
In my random file of everything, called "OR MAYBE NOT… THE DOWNSTAIRS VERSION," there is a recipe for koushari. Come to think of it, I could probably take that out now.The two scenes at the dock are called "HTD" scenes because I Hate That Duel. :nodnod:
And when I was planning for the second half of chapter five, I was trying to figure out how to show how much Malik was affected. My first thought was that he didn't talk for the rest of the night. :silence: Then I'm just like, no, that doesn't work.
I had a few problems with things that were related to my previous attempt at angst-with-chapters. I had to be careful to avoid those.
When Rishid and Isis are comforting Malik as he cries, Rishid was originally going to put his hand on Malik's shoulder. But I had said "and Rishid put a hand on his shoulder" and because it wasn't clear whose hand it was, for some reason I wound up imagining Rishid putting a disembodied hand on Malik's shoulder. Weird picture.
The line "you are already forgiven" is something I've wanted to use for a really long time. :)
Many of the verbs in the first part of chapter eleven are reminiscent of drowning. I guess no one noticed though… oh well... I made the wordbank for nothing... Bakura lives on the sixth floor of his apartment. Poor Malik had to run down a lot of stairs. I said: "601… You gots a lotta stairs to run down, Malik…"
…Yup. That's most of it. Well, the funny stuff anyway.

Review talk! Thank you to every single person who has reviewed this fanfiction. Your kind words mean so much to me :D

ChibiCheescake: ...I'm glad you like it... Woefully inadequate response, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say... "creepy stalker sense" lol... :still inadequate:

spork111: O.o it appears there may have been a problem... your review just says "I"...? But, uh... Thanks for reviewing :D!

Redemmo: 'Course I'm not gonna forget:) Thank you for your reviews!

Gelap Gelita: I like pain and suffering too :B. Mwahaha. Thank you for all your reviews--on the other fics too!