Hey everyone, I'm back with the real chapter three...not the fake one that I used as an author's note awhile back. Good news: My writer's block is gone (or at least its pretending to be) and I plan on having the mervelous chapter 4 up with in the next to weeks, but don't take my word on it. Had news (and reason for this taking so long): I had about half of this chapter written, then I go out of town for Thanksgiving (happy thanksgiving to all my american readers, by the way) I come back, and my computer crashed....twice, destroying everything that I had saved. But, now I'm paraniod about it crashing again, so I've been saving everything on disks lately. Special thanks goes out to pad's gurl 584. Thanks to you, i got out of my lousy writer's block...I owe you...a lot. Well, enough of my insane ramblings...enjoi:
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Harry sat in the corner of his room, silently brooding. It had been one month since Sirius had passed through the veil, and he still knew nothing of what had really happened. He was staying at Grimmuald Place; the house had been left to him, as had all of Sirius's other possessions. Being in the house of his deceased godfather did nothing to ease his pain.
Hermione and Ron, as well as the others who were close to him, were starting to get worried. He hadn't said much about Sirius's death, and no one seemed to be able to reach him through the thick walls of despair he had surrounded himself with, He still blamed himself for what had happened. If he had just listened to Hermione, and not been so thick headed, then Sirius would still be alive; Sirius would still be with him. Sirius had been the closest thing to a father that Harry had ever remembered having. With him gone Harry just felt...lost. His real father had been taken from him when he was just a small child, before he even had the chance to get to know him. And now, now Sirius had departed as well.
To Harry, this was worse than losing his father at a young age. He had the opportunity to get to know Sirius, and truly felt his absence. Harry grieved more than he had ever before. Sirius's presence in his life was brief, but it held a lot of impact. All Harry could do now was wish for more time. That's all he wanted: more time with his godfather. But that, like so many other things, had been taken from him. Taken from him by Voldemort and his followers.
Hatred welled up in him as he thought about this again. It was because of Voldemort's rise that he had no parents, no godfather, no normal life. Ever since he started Hogwarts, he had been plagued by the Dark Lord in one form or another. Harry wanted revenge. This war was not about good or evil to him anymore, it was pure vengence.
Harry was drawn out from his thoughts by the sound of a knock at his door. Without waiting for an answer, Remus opened the door and let himself in. He had a habit of doing that...letting himself into Harry's room without his consent.
"Dinner's ready, Harry, if you're hungry," he said quietly. In the recent month, Remus had grown very quiet and withdrawn. He, like Harry, was having a difficult time dealing with Sirius's death. Sirius had been the last of his close friends that had remained loyal to him. With James and Sirius both gone, and Peter completely out of the picture, he felt quite lost.
"I'm not hungry," he muttered, waiting for Remus to leave as he was bound to do soon enough.
Remus walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. "Harry, you need to eat something. You've barely eaten anything since you got here. Everyone's really worried about you."
"I'm fine," he grunted. He was sick of people worrying about him. Why couldn't they all just leave him alone?
Lupin paused for a moment. "No you're not, Harry. I can see it in your eyes; this is killing you inside. You can't bottle all of this up. Sirius was close to you, and now he's gone. This isn't just going to go away. You need to talk to someone about this."
"Why should I talk about it? It's not like anyone's going to understand. Yeah, they'll pretend they understand and that they know what I'm going through. But you know what? It's all just one big hoax. How can anyone understand?"
Remus remained silent, waiting for Harry to continue.
"No one bloody understands! I've lost my parents and the only other person who I could even consider a parent! Voldemort took them from me and there's nothing I can do to get them back! And you know what's even worse?" he yelled, starting to pick up speed, saying things he hadn't had the courage to say aloud before. "He's going to keep on killing. He is going to kill everyone that I care about! There's no escape! No one has had to deal with this like I have. You all just keep lying to me...pretending that it's all okay. Saying there is still hope for a better tomorrow. It's all bull shit. No one here can even begin to fathom what I've been going through this past month! You're right about one thing though: it's killing me! Sirius would still be alive if it weren't for me! His death is on my conscience! I'm sick of you all acting like you understand and that it's going to work out in the end. Because you know as well as I do that it's not! There's no hope...none at all. You all need to face these facts, because there's nothing we can do to change them! And you'll never be able to understand them until you've gone through what I have!"
Harry stopped, heaving for breath after his long speech, angry tears trailing slowly down his face.
"You're wrong, Harry," Remus said quietly, after letting what Harry had said sink in.
"What? How am I wrong, Professor? Enlighten me."
"You're not the only who's lost someone in this war, Harry. In fact, I'm sure you'll be surprised to find out how many in the Order have. Molly, for instance, lost both of her brothers, Gideon and Fabian. I was at their funeral, Harry, and I have never seen Molly cry so hard in my entire life. So don't even think about saying she doesn't understand. And you're not the only one you lost your parents, either...I lost them too. James and Lily were like family to me. They were some of the few people who never turned their back on me after finding out what I am. Part of me died with them that day, Harry. Even my parents, my own parents, didn't accept me like your father did. And you know what? I'm having as hard a time as you dealing with Sirius's death. He was the only other person from out group of friends left, save Peter, but he doesn't really count, now does he? Once again, Sirius accepted me for who I am, no questions asked. He was practically part of my family. I'm suffering as much as you are right now, so don't pretend that I'm not!" He paused to regain his temper that he had slowly started to lose control of. The recent events affected him much more than he had ever let on to. " Harry, part of growing older is learning how to deal with death. It's something that everyone is faced with at one time or another. Your father had to deal with it when his older brother was killed when we were 15. And you have to deal with it now, even though it's been a part of you for a long time now. Your parent's death didn't affect you in quite the same way only because you never really got to know them, something I'm sure James is still regretting to this very day. Sirius was a surrogate father to you, and nothing can replace that. But you've got to move on. Not necessarily this very moment," he added quickly seeing the look in Harry's eyes, "but eventually. Sirius wouldn't want you to waste your time brooding over him when you have so much left to do. Sirius was not a man of idleness. He'd take action, even if it didn't need to be taken. The best way you can honor and mourn over him is by following that example and accomplish what needs to get done."
Harry and Remus sat together in silence for some time, each contemplating what the other had said. Harry had been surprised to realize how much of what his former professor had said made sense. He had forgotten that Lupin had the unique ability to make things seem so much simpler and clearer. Indeed, Sirius was not the type of person who would appreciate being mourned over for an extensive amount of time. It was time he come to terms with Sirius's death, and it wasn't fair that he kept worrying everyone else that cared about him.
"So," Remus said as Harry wiped away the tears that had trailed down his face unchecked. "Ready to eat now?"
"Yeah," he said with a small smile. "Actually, now that I think about it, I'm really, really hungry."
"Well, you should be," said Mrs. Weasley who was now standing in the doorway. "You've hardly eaten anything since you got here, dear."
"How long have you been standing there, Molly?" Remus asked, somewhat embarrassed, hoping that she missed their discussion, seeing as how it was a rather private matter.
"Not long, I came up to see what was taking you two so long."
"We were just talking, Molly," Remus said with a smile that told Mrs. Weasley that they had obviously been talking over matters that needed to be dealt with. Without another word, he stood up and left the room. Harry got up and followed. Before he left, Mrs. Weasley pulled him into a warm mother-like embrace and whispered in his ear: "It's nice to have you back, Harry."
And indeed, he was back.
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"So I'm standing there, practically frozen to the spot," James sputtered out between bursts of laughter. "Sirius is holding onto the banister for dear life, and McGonagall, absolutely livid, is stuck in the trick stair–"
He and Sirius were relating to Lily an account of a highly entertaining encounter with Professor McGonagall in the middle of their third year. James had been plotting revenge on Sirius for dyeing Snape's robes hot pink without him. He had meant to push him into the trick stair on the staircase up to the Gryffindor common room and then leaving him there for sometime. It was all going on according to plan when Sirius managed to catch himself on the banister; in the process of doing which, he had accidently kicked McGonagall in the back of the knee, sending her down the stairs and into the trick stair instead of him. Needless to say, she wasn't to happy about it.
"She turns and sees me and James standing there," Sirius continued because James was laughing to hard, even though he was laughing hysterically himself. "Oh, Lily, you should've seen the color her face turned. All of a sudden she starts yelling bloody murder at us–"
"Like she normally does–"
"And she finishes with her..." he paused to regain himself enough to speak. "With her famous, 'And what do you two have to say for yourselves?' I'm trying very hard not to laugh, mind you, because this was all just too funny for words, and James is up...is up there practically crying , he's laughing so hard–"
"I swear, I can't help it! People yell at me and I laugh... it's funny. It's gotta be some type..of...of chronic...laughing disorder, or something," James interjected. "But anyways, we're standing there, and all I can manage to say is one word–"
"Pork," they said together, busting into laughter once more.
"Pork?" Lily asked in utter disbelief.
"Pork," James said as he laughed.
"You actually said pork?"
"Yeah," Sirius said. "And of course, it being the original Pork Day, I immediately crack up, and I'm laughing so hard I let go of the banister–"
"He falls and crashes into McGonagall–"
"And then I keep falling down the rest of the stairs."
"You broke your arm, didn't you, mate?"
"Yup," he said nodding.
"Wait," Lily said, trying to keep track of the conversation. "Pork Day?"
"Oh Lils, you remember Pork Day, don't you?" James asked, sounding as though he'd be mortally offended if she said no.
"That was the day–" she started before Sirius interrupted her.
"That I couldn't shut up about pork and the effect that it would have in a shrinking solution in potions."
"And then, to tie it all together, they served pork for lunch that day, and we officially dubbed it Pork Day," James said, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.
"How'd you start talking about pork in the first place?" Lily wanted to know, figuring that there would be a very interesting story behind that as well.
"Sirius misread the board. It said that the potion should look slightly pink," he said shaking his head. "He thought it said that it should smell like pork."
"Pink and pork look alike," he defended.
"No they don't. You looked at me and told me that your potion didn't smell like pork, and then started rambling about how maybe you should sneak down to the kitchen and steal some pork and add it to the potion," James said, laughing hysterically again.
Sirius continued to attempt to defend himself about misreading the board, to no avail. The days he had spent with Lily and James during the past month seemed to hold this pattern. Recalling good times at Hogwarts, joking around with one another, occasionally discussing more important matters like what their son was like ("He seems to have the best qualities of both of you," Sirius said...it was the only way to describe it) or how Remus was doing. Occasionally James and Sirius would wreak havoc (unintentionally, of course) at the Ministry, bringing a youthful joy back to both of them. However, though neither of them ever mentioned it, Sirius's time in this realm of the dead on Earth was limited, and coming quickly to an end. Sirius was still alive, and he needed to be with other living people until his time of death really came.
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And that is chapter three, my friends. I'd really like some reviews (and I'm accpecting flames this time...I have recently realized how contructive they can be). Ideally speaking, I'd like to have at least three reviews for this chapter by the time I get four up in about 2 weeks. Thank you for reading....