Letters of Complaint
Disclaimer: I do not own PotC or anything else of value, nor do I claim to.
A/N: this is a quick oneshot because I can't get chapter two for SoT to work. I'm humbly begging anyone that reads this to consider betaing it, because I need help!
Enjoy this, in the meantime:
Dear Staffof F. Fiction,
It has come to our attention that the insolent mortals that use this facility aren't paying the due respect to their higher ups.
We understand that you can't read every story, but surely you have realized the lack of stories about us. It isn't as if we're very inconspicuous. Now, despite your apparent beliefs that we don't know of this petty amusement façade, we do.
And we aren't pleased.
We go to the trouble of cursing some perfectly innocent gold, make many men's lives a living hell and cause general havoc, and no-one appreciates it.
It is scientifically proven that we are the least liked of the deities.
Our one moment of fame is in the movie 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.' During this movie we were the ones that caused the curse.
Without the curse then there wouldn't have been a mutiny. Without a mutiny Jack Sparrow wouldn't have been in Port Royal when he was. Without Jack Sparrow to save her, Elizabeth would've died. Without Elizabeth to fantasize about, William Turner would've committed suicide (We know what you're thinking, hormone crazed teenagers!) Without us there wouldn't be a 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.'
You civilians owe us much!
Yet over an extended period of time, we have come to the conclusion that there just aren't enough stories about us. Don't worry, Staffof, we shall give you some options and you may determine what you believe is the best course of action.
Option Number One: instruct all authors to write a story in our honor.
Option Number Two: alert them to this possibly life-threatening offendence that has occurred.
Option Number Three: run away now, even though you can't hide from us.
Option Number Four: compensate us for our hurt by sacrificing nine hundred and eleven virgins to a volcano.
Option Number Five: do nothing at all and suffer The Consequences.
We have decided that this is not a recommended course of action. Below is a list of reasons that reinforce said statement:
Consequence Number One: Orlando Bloom will no longer be able to have children.
Consequence Number Two: Orlando Bloom will no longer look 'handsome', 'pretty', 'sexy', 'hot', etc.
Consequence Number Three: George W. Bush will become an immortal and invincible world dictator.
Consequence Number Four: chocolate will turn to baked beans.
Consequence Number Five: Johnny Depp will turn into a potato.
Consequence Number Five: the remaining 'attractive' men will spontaneously combust over a twenty-four-hour period of time.
We highly recommend you chose Option Four; however, Option One will suffice.
Regards,
The Heathen Gods.