an: OMG! I am sooooooooooooo sorry. I don't think you guys can even begin to understand how utterly utterly sorry I am. I never meant for it too take this long. my life has been crazy, now that the school year is winding down and everything. and everything was all blech...you guys know what i mean, right? it was just one of those months were you could get nothing done but needed to everything! since you guys are so wonderful and patient, tho, you all get virtualy CHOCOLATE! for those of you who are lactose-intolerant, you all get virtual SKITTLES! and if you don't like either..than i'm sorry, but i'm out of virtual candy
to my reviewers who I hope have not abandoned me:
emuerz: i'm so sorry you had to wait so long for this chapter...i hope you like it, though
legolasfanxoxo: i hate actaeon too...but he's still getting more of what's coming to him
pad'sgurl584: its okay about you not reviewing...its just ahrd to do sometimes, i know...kinda like updating new chaps (lol)
Dante Lewis: i knew i got Australia from somwhere...I think i saw it in your profile and thought that James should say he's there...I'll send him there for you later tho:). thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad you liked Jared's intro.
forestofgreenjello: you know, i have pften thought of doing much of the same things to Actaeon myself...geez, i created such an awful man (is it odd that I'm proud that i've created a character that everone hates so much?) i'm glad you liked Jared...i wasn't sure if he came off as well as i wanted him too. and i'll keep in mind the whole changing the rating thing in the future (and yur right...these new ratings are really confusing...i don't like em). I'm sorry this update was soo late
dweem-angel: yes, poor james...needless to say, thats gonna be one long month for him
tsukimoon: ack! i'm sorry! I'm sorry! here's the new chpater...
katie: i'm sorry this took so long...but i hope its worth your wait...
disclaimer: last time i checked, i was still not jo...but its been awhile, let me check again... Nope...still delano...i still don't own anything...
enjoi
Harry sat at the kitchen table, pushing his food around with his fork. School was due to start in a few days, and he was, for once, not exactly looking forward to it. He had been enjoying his solitude at Grimmuald Place. He liked being in the house, alone with Remus and Athena. Together, the three of them had been mourning Sirius, each in their own fashion. Harry had been enjoying the distance from the outside world that he had been experiencing, and did not wish to leave it. Harry knew that as soon as he went back to school, he was going to have to face all the things he had been trying to ignore over the summer. At Hogwarts, he would be unable to ignore the fact that darkness loomed threateningly over the wizarding community; he wouldn't be able to ignore the fact that an all-out war against Voldemort was sitting on their doorstep. He would be expected to play the hero again, expected to save the world and sacrifice everything that he held dear to him. He had already lost his parents, his godfather, and possibly a good part of his sanity, and he was not sure how well he'd hold up if he lost anyone else.
"My life sucks," he muttered under his breath, staring at his plate of uneaten food with disdain.
"Welcome to the club," Athena said from the threshold of the kitchen door. "Although, I have a feeling that you life has sucked long before now." She walked in and sat down across from Harry.
"Hey, Athena," he said glumly. "I haven't seen you for a couple days. What's up?"
Athena shrugged. "Not much. I was just taking care of some stuff down at the Ministry. You? And don't try and lie to me."
Harry couldn't help but smile. "I'm just not looking forward to school all that much," he said simply. "You know, I never thought I'd say it, but I would actually rather stay here, at Grimmuald Place, than go back to school."
"Wow," Athena said. "I never thought that anyone would actually want to stay here. But I suppose it's understandable, given the circumstances. However," she said with a sigh, "you gotta go. I'm sorry."
"I figured as much," he said. "I still need to get my books, however."
"Remus and I already talked that over," she replied. "Later today, I'm going to drive – don't look at me like that, I can drive...well enough – you down to Diagon Alley, so you can get everything. Then you'll stay with the Weasley's at the Leaky Cauldron until the first, and they'll take you down to King's Cross. That alright with you?"
"Yeah, sure. When do we leave?"
"Well, I need to find some stuff–"
"Like what?"
"Like a car and some keys," she said with a wry grin. "So be ready to leave in a couple of hours."
Harry nodded as Athena stood from the table and left the room.
A few hours later, both Athena and Harry were ready to leave. The loaded Harry's trunk into the car and climbed in. Harry was rather hesitant; Athena had claimed she could drive, but he wasn't exactly sure she could. He was particularly nervous when Athena sat for a few moments, staring at the keys, then at the dashboard, and back to the keys again. He thought for a moment that she might have forgotten how to drive (if she even knew). Suddenly she sighed, and put the keys in the ignition and started the engine. She looked tense for a moment or so, as they slowly rolled down Grimmuald Place. As they turned the corner, however, Athena seemed to relax a great deal more, and Harry distinctly hear her mutter, "Just like riding a broom," under her breath. Athena turned on a muggle radio station that played music from the 70's and 80's. Athena, being muggle born, knew most of the songs and sang along with them subconsciously almost. Harry couldn't help but laugh when he noticed the facial expressions on Athena's face. The more she liked a song, the more amusing her face looked.
Athena looked at Harry when she realized he was laughing. "What?" she asked.
"Your face," he said, still laughing.
Athena frowned at him. "Well, you try singing Bohemian Rhapsody with a straight face. You can't do it," she said, with a wry grin on her face.
They kept the mood light, constantly exchanging teasing banter, for ten minutes or so. Then Harry realized that there was something rather wrong. They should have reached Diagon Alley by now, but Harry could see no familiar sites that made him think that they were even close. Harry stared out the window for a bit, trying to find something that would indicate where they were, as he tried to ease the troubling feeling that grew slowly in his mind. Stop it, he reprimanded himself when he realized what he was thinking. Athena knows what she's doing...I think.
A few more minutes passed, and Harry asked, "Athena?"
"Yeah?"
"Isn't Diagon Alley back that way?" He pointed somewhere to the left of him.
"Yup."
"Then why are we going this way?" he asked.
"We're taking a little detour," she responded. "There's something that I think you need to see."
Harry was confused. He had no idea what Athena was talking about. She claimed that she wanted to show him something, but he could not fathom what this something might be. Athena looked lost in her thoughts, so he didn't want to disturb her by asking where they were going. Besides, he doubted that she would tell him if she asked; he learned during the past few weeks that Athena liked surprises, even if everyone else didn't. Athena took a sharp turn into a parking lot and told Harry that they had arrived at their destination. Harry climbed out of the car and looked around. A graveyard. Not exactly what he had been expecting.
"C'mon, Harry," she said, waving Harry over with her hand.
"You brought me to a cemetery?" Harry asked incredulously.
"Yes."
"Any particular reason why?"
"Yes."
Harry waited a moment for her to expand on her answer before asking, "Are you going to tell me why?"
"No."
"Why not?"
Athena turned to face him. "Because it would ruin the surprise, Harry."
Harry shook his head and chuckled slightly and continued to follow Athena through the cemetery. As he walked through, he couldn't help but remembering what had happened the last time he had been in a graveyard. While the previous circumstance and this one were hardly similar, flashes of Voldemort's rebirth and Cedric's death crossed his vision. He was slightly put-off that the memories of the end of his fourth year were still so vivid; he had hoped that at least part of those memories might fade. However, he supposed, that something like watching an innocent young man die and an evil wizard regaining a body were not things that could ever be forgotten. Moved on from, yes, but not forgotten. Harry was so caught up in his thoughts that he failed to notice that Athena had stopped in front of him and walked straight into her.
"Oh, sorry," he muttered.
"Not at all, Harry," she said kindly. "This is what I wanted to show you." She pointed down to the two tombstones before them. Both had a vast variety of flowers growing around them, and Harry noted that among the flowers, lilies were the most common. Both graves looked to be very well-kept, as though a number of different people visited often. Curiously, Harry peered forward to read the names. He took in a sharp gasp of breath as he made out the names amid the flowers: Lily Evans Potter and James Kristopher Potter.
"My– my parents," he said quietly.
Athena nodded. "I doubted whether Petunia ever thought to bring you here. I've met her several times, and I never got the impression that she would be the type to take her nephew to his parents' burial sites. But, I thought that these were something you needed to see."
Harry nodded; he was simply at a loss for words. He noticed that both tombstones had an inscription on them. His parents' last words, as it were. He felt very compelled to read what had been written. He sank to the ground and moved the flowers out of the way so he could better read the inscriptions. Athena seemed to know what he was doing and made no comment, but silently watched her best friend's son read his parents' last message to the world. She, herself, knew very well what was written, having visited the graves at least once a year.
Under Lily's name bore the words: Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.
And, under James's name, it simply read: There are always two choices, two paths to take. One is easy. And its only reward is that it's easy.
Harry sat on the ground for a few moments, letting the words sink in. He hardly noticed when Athena sat down on the ground next to him. She let Harry ponder in silence for a few minutes– let him take in what he had read. Then she said, quietly, "Remus and I had been given the job to decide what was inscribed on your parents' grave markers. We decided that it should be something that reflected their personality, but also their outlook on life. Trust me, this was no easy feat."
When Harry said nothing, she continued. "We had decided that Lily's should embody the love and hope that she always carried with her. I don't think I had ever met anyone who managed to care and love everyone so much...even the people she didn't like, she still didn't want to see them suffer. It was so much of who she was. Although, when she did get mad at someone, she would get pretty vicious. It was always best to stay on the good side of your mother. Lily always did the right thing, simply because she knew it was the right thing to do. When it came to being nice to people she didn't like, she would do it...most of the time. I don't want you running away with the false impression that she was perfect, but she did the best she could.
"James's was more difficult, I think. Your father just embodied so many different traits around so many different people, that we had difficulty finding something that fit him just right. For quite some time, Remus and I entertained the idea of just having a list of ten or fifteen quotes inscribed. Even now, I think that it would have done your father more justice than this one does." She smiled and shrugged. "But this one does just fine. You see, James had always believed that we are made by the choices we make, and what happens to us are results of that. He couldn't stand it when people spoke of fate or preordination. He believed in the redemption of wrong choices when they were recitified with good ones. He always thought that way. He even applied it to himself on more than one occasion." She paused for a moment and studied Harry. Carefully she spoke again, "Remus told me that you saw a memory of James during our fifth year, while he was, er, tormenting Snape."
"Yeah," Harry said. "Yeah I did. I had always thought that my dad was this great man who always did the right thing. I never imagined that he would act so...so..."
"Stupid?" Athena supplied.
"Yeah."
"Well, James had this rather annoying tendency to act rather stupid, for a rather lengthy amount of time. He never really thought anything of it, I don't think. It was just part of his personality," Athena said thoughtfully.
"It was part of his personality to act like an idiot?" Harry asked.
"I didn't say that (although I wouldn't doubt it sometimes). I said that it was part of his personality to not think about what he did and how it affected other people. However, sometime during the end of our sixth year, certain events caused him to realize that his choices and how he acted affected other people in ways he never thought possible. He then made the choice to be more conscious of what he did and how he acted. And I can garuntee to you that it took a lot of him to do that, but it changed him for the better. He made the choice to go down a road in life that would change his personality forever. He had always been a man of choice. He wasn't perfect, as you said, even if he liked to think he was on occasion. He made mistakes, as we all do, Harry, and then he chose to learn from them.
"Oh, wow," she muttered under her breath.
"What?" Harry asked.
"I sound like a self-help book," she said with her wry grin across her face. "You have permission, Harry, to smack me if I ever do that again."
Harry chuckled lightly. "If it makes you feel better, what you said made a lot of sense."
"Oh, that's good. I'm a living-breathing-sense-making self-help book," she said simply.
"No, I'm being...serious. I think I needed to hear all that," he said quietly.
"Oh, good. Cause that's what I was hoping," she said somewhat earnestly. "This might sound really stupid to you, but Remus and I also took you into consideration when we were choosing what was going to be written. We wanted something of your parents to draw strength from. We wanted them to have some sort of advice to give to you. So be it if we had to write it on a gravestone."
Harry nodded. "So, are we done here? Graveyards give me the creeps."
"Yeah, sure. Molly has probably pulled her hair out worrying about you," Athena joked lightly. "I told her I'd bring by around noon, and its, what? Three o'clock now? Oh well, not much we can do about it now."
Harry laughed as they made their way back to the car. "So, Athena, where'd you get this car, anyway?" he asked as they climbed back in. His mood was a good deal lighter now that they had left the cemetery.
"I, uh, borrowed it."
"You stole it?"
"Oh, no. I wouldn't steal it. I'll leave that up to Dung," she said. "I merely borrowed. The muggle I borrowed it from has about ten, and so I don't think they'll notice that I have this one for a couple of hours."
Harry laughed and shook his head. Borrowing or stealing, he though it was rather stupid of her to take someone's car and pray that wouldn't notice.
She gave him a sharp look, "Stop laughing," she said, even though she herself was grinning.
The ride to the Leaky Cauldron was a short one, but one that Athena and Harry carried in companionable conversation. When they had finally reached the Leaky Cauldron, they both knew that it was time for them to say good-bye...even if it were just for a short while.
As Athena had suspected, Molly was worried that Harry was three hours late, but made no mention of it when she saw that he was alright. After helping Harry pull his trunk out of the trunk of the car, Athena pulled Harry into a corner for a few last words.
"Remember what we talked about, alright?" she said. She smiled at harry as he nodded. She then pulled Harry into a tight hug, one that reminded him vaguely of Mrs. Weasley's. "Harry, stay safe this year, okay? Just– just don't get dead. It was a pleasure meeting you; you have more of your parents in you then you could ever imagine." She pulled away from Harry and said her final words. "This isn't goodbye, seeing as how I'll be seeing you again soon enough. Don't hesitate to write to me or Remus if you need anything, anything at all, alright? And keep your eyes on the papers. I think that quite a few things that are of interest to you will show up soon."
With another smile and hug, Athena departed.
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James sat in the corner of his cell, huddled against himself, as visions of past horrors flashed across his mind. These images no longer held a sensible order; they merely jumped around his mind, letting one horrible incident meld with another. He was quite sure that the extra month his encounter with Actaeon had bought him would not pass quickly. In fact, he had no idea of how much time had actually passed.
His mind was no more than one big melting pot of unrelated events and dialogue. The only common threads he found in all of them is that they were times that caused him no little amount of pain. He cringed as bits of arguments or confrontations crossed his mind...
"I fucked the bitch over and over and over again..."
"What have you done now, James? Can't you ever your act age for once?"
"I can't believe you'd do something like that! That's low...even for you!"
"James, just back off! I don't need you!"
"I hate you, James Potter! I never want to see you again!"
The last words had been spoken by Lily. Shortly before their engagement, Lily and James got in a rather vicious argument, resulting in Lily storming out claiming that she never wanted to see James again, leaving James feeling alone and miserable. He doubted if he had ever felt worse than he had then. He loved Lily with everything he possessed. To hear someone he loved so much say such spiteful words tore him from the inside out. In any other place, he would have been able to remind himself that Lily loved him, and that they had had that argument years and years ago. He would have sought out Lily and kissed her and told her how much he loved her, simply to hear her say that she loved him too.
However, in Azkaban, he could do no such thing. He was left alone, with nothing but his thoughts. Not that his thoughts did anything to encourage him. Any happy memories that he had with Lily (and there were quite a few) were blocked from his mind in Azkaban. He could only remember the arguments he had with her – the times when she rejected him when they were younger. On top of that, the words Actaeon had said to him earlier still rang clear in his mind. He felt that he Lily down– he let Actaeon get to her. When he married her, he swore to let nothing happen to her – to keep hersafe or to die trying. He failed her...that's all he could think of. If she hated him, then he felt adamantly that he deserved it. Despite how much pain these thoughts caused, James could not drive them out. As his mind turned these thoughts over in his head, James drew his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as if he were afraid to let goWith a miserable look in his eyes, James let out a small, choked sob.
final note: so? love it? hate it? was it worth the wait? (hey...the wait wasn't too long was it?...wait, hat am i saying? it's only one day short of a month) please review, my dear readers...they make me happy
Delano
p.s>> sorry for any typos that might have crept up