Introspective One (Starfire : Faint. 07)
I am a little bit of loneliness
Little bit of disregard
Raven has always been a reclusive person by nature, and I can respect her for it. Really. But there are some mysteries that make people easily drawn to, and some that you just want to scream.
It seems more often than not, Raven makes me want to scream. It's not that I act like a child to fool anyone for a real reason, its just that her pain makes me want to find a way to fix things. The only way I know how is to smile.
Handful of complaints
But I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars
She's scarred. And in constant pain, and has just so many wounds that I'm not even sure she can tell herself how much she is bleeding. So her life just goes into shock, spinning out of whatever control she relies on to see her through before it all falls apart.
The moment I met her, I knew that there was a parallel between us. However indistinct it may have been, I could tell that in some ways we were the same. One look in her eyes said it all. It took me longer to decide just what it was about her eyes. It wasn't until I went out with the boys one evening a few weeks into the start of the team.
She wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary for her. Still quiet, observant, alert, withdrawn. She was just watching, and she does it very well. There was no change in her face, or her eyes at all. Completely unreadable, but it just clicked. Her eyes were to dark, to sad, had seen the lowest of what the universe had to offer between here and hell and I was one of the few people who understood – once you have seen the true evil, you can never take it back. Once you have lived inside the real darkness, some of it never, ever lets go completely when you finally leave it.
Her eyes said that she had seen far to much, far to fast, in her life. More than someone a hundred times her age should have to witness. And she was still standing. Though, not without her casualties.
I am what I want you to want
What it want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you to just believe this is real
So I know that we're similar. We both have family problems – hers deeper than my own – and we both hide in other people's expectations. I probably know more personal stuff about her than just about anyone else. Could that be what had her so angry at me? Angry enough to hold this chilling feud?
It was subtle of course. Everything about Raven is. Unobtrusive enough that the boys don't notice a thing. I'm certain they don't, because if they did, Raven would be ignoring them too. Since our sort-of-fight four days ago she hasn't spoken more than six words to me, all curt yes or no.
Really, if I had known that trying to show her it was alright to have shadows in your eyes and still be happy would piss her off, I would have tried something else from the beginning. I had thought that we were finally getting somewhere, after that whole switching bodies thing, but I must have waited to long to try and talk about it more. When I finally thought it would be a good time, to give her the opportunity to talk to me (since she needed to talk to someone) she had been to upset to open up and slammed the emotional door shut, locking it so tight I could no longer coax her out.
That was a backfire I was never expecting. "Totally out of left field" as one of the boys would say.
So I let go watching you
Turn your back like you always do
That's her whole problem. I hate having to watch her strain through the insanity and bloodlust to reach a pretend peace that she deserves more than anyone. Every time something happens, she can never deal with it. So in the end she turns away from everyone else and shoves it as deep down as she can get it and it just ends up seeping into her bones and never going away.
I watch her drown in the blood from her own wounds because they wont stop bleeding, and none of it can escape from inside the walls she's constructed.
Face away, pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got
Or maybe… you put that wall up not to keep others out, but to keep something of yourself in? Is that why you wont move from your fortress? Not that it will factor into my decision. I'm always watching you, keeping a sharp eye on you when you think no one can see. And if I see you go under, to hell with your personal space, I'll tear your walls down and force you to accept my help to stop your bleeding. I wont let you drown yourself in your past. I'll always be there to make you breathe.
Now getting you to see it is the second hardest thing in the world, the first being getting you to believe it once you do. You have such a hard time trusting others, that it makes me want to find the people who made you this way and fry them.
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I wont be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I wont be ignored
Really Raven, do you think that we all will just wait and hope everything will be okay? Even with your meditation, and distance, and control, it wont last. Just clinging to borrowed time.
X'hal, your whole life must feel like borrowed time.
But you can't afford to wait any longer, Raven. Standing tall and alone isn't helping you anymore – if it ever helped you at all.
I know you're scared. But what scares me most is that you'll slip into some shadow we can't follow or find you in and lose you forever.
I am a little bit insecure
A little unconfident
Cause you don't understand
I do what I can, sometimes I don't make sense
I suppose then all any of us, your friends, can do is grab hold of you and refuse to let go. Since the boys don't seem to be able to see you fading, then I have to grab you. You don't understand that I stay so far into the light, so that we have some ground to keep you farther away from the shadow. My arms only reach so far, and so long as I don't let go, you wont be able to fall to far.
I am what you never want to say
But I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
For once just to hear me out
We are more the same than any of the others Raven, and I know you sense it. You wouldn't be much of a physic if you didn't (and I know you're a great one). You can get closer to the light, like I am, but you are not sure you can win, and for some reason will not try. I'd help you fight, we all would, but still…
You wont listen to any of us, will you? Of course you wont. You'll do what you want. As always.
No, 'want' is the wrong word. 'What you think you have to do' is what I was thinking of. If you did what you 'wanted', you'd be dead. Not that we'd let you do that any more than that demon father of yours. Guess we can be selfish to.
So I let go watching you
Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I've got
I'll let you turn away from me. I wont like it, Raven, I'll never like it, but I'm willing to allow it because you're still here, and I know that the alternative will be leaving for good if I push it. As long as I can still see you, then we'll be okay.
You turn, and you ignore us, but you haven't walked away yet. That more than anything gives me hope. Because if we weren't worth the time, then you would have walked away. And really, none of us could have stopped you. Could stop you, if you really meant to leave and never come back. But you haven't, so that means you have hope too, however small or unrealized.
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I wont be ignored
Time wont heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I wont be ignored
You walk a fine line between insanity and emotional emptiness, and are juggling us all while you're at it.
Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me
Like it or not
Right now, hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me like it or not
Right now
But you don't have to do it alone. Listen to me! Let us help you, let us be there, let us take care of you, let us protect you from yourself for a change. Let, let, let, we can't do anything unless you let us. Let us worry for a change and just be happy, dammit. You have to rest sometime, Raven…
Please rest? Please? For me?
You can't keep going if you don't learn to sleep.
I can't feel
Don't turn your back on me
I wont be ignored
Learn to sleep, Raven. Learn to trust. Learn to heal. We can teach you. Just start listening to us.
We can make it. Make it better, make it right. I wont let you ignore me forever, Raven. We'll all find a way to help you walk that line, and we'll make it wonderful.
Someday.
Someday soon, it would seem.
Because I don't think that you have the time for anything less than soon.
Time wont heal
Don't turn your back on me
I wont be ignored
((End Introspective One))
'Lost' and 'found' are such relative terms. If being found is living my whole life following the plan of someone else, step for step, then I'd much rather stay lost.
"Faint .07" by Linkin Park