20 Letters of Pain

This program brought to you by IncestiveNekoYaoiBoys

Hello, all. I officially declare ... that this .. is ... A REWRITE! From me, of all people!

I got a new username, and got some new inspiration. To you n00bs, I am IncestiveNekoYaoiBoys, formerly known as Kady-sensei, formely known as uchihachik. I don't own Naruto, but I do own the ideas included in this story, so STEP AWAY FROM THE IDEAS, BIATCHE! Hehe, it's been awhile since I've written this one, so I gotta get in an aggressive mood for it. :P ON WITH THE FIIIIIIIIC!

Sasuke yawned, lazily crawling from his bed, rubbing his eyes randomly. He gave his rear a few good, satisfying scratches, then wandered out to his door, ignoring the fact that he was still in his Powerpuff Girls boxers; he wasn't displaying anything the fangirls hadn't seen anyways. He bent down, not ashamed by the scandalous view of his ass he was showing to any and all who cared to look; it was a Sunday morning, and he'd just woken up. You can't act Godly 24/7, you know.

Once he had retrieved the various envelopes and flyers, he stepped out onto his front step, ready to send any bills hurtling down onto the heads of busy village workers, causing them to spill coffee all over themselves. Yes, Sasuke, being the ignorant bastard he was, had this fabulous habit of throwing all his bills off his balcony thingy, probably nailing an innocent passer-by, and killing him. God, how he sometimes loved his mediocre life.

"Bill ... bill ... bill ..." He began, as he proceeded with the sacred ritual of dropping his bills from the balcony. There was a painful yell, and Sasuke, being the godamn masochist he is, smiled a little, and continued hurling bills down upon the poor, poor person. He paused. "... 'Avenger' magazine sample ... gotta keep that one ... bill ... bill ..." He again paused his actions of tossing away the bothersome bills, where he spotted something he had wanted to see in his mail for a VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME! "Ooh, perfume sample. Smells perdy." He threw down three more bills, absent-mindedly tossing them off the edge of his balcony thingy. "Bill ... bill ... letter from Itachi ... bill ... what?!" He dived off the step, hoping to initiate some of those madd ninja skillz he apparently possesses, but came up with nothing. Instead, he flailed his arms for the letter, eventually snatching it from the air. "A letter from Itachi? Why would he write me?" Sasuke asked, completely disregarding the fact the he's currently FALLING TOWARDS EARTH AT GOD KNOWS HOW FAST, still confuzzled by the fact that Itachi had written a letter to him.

Luckily for him, Spider-Man was on his way to a kinky hotel room, with Mary Jane in his arms, swinging through the streets, when he spotted ... DUN DUN DUN! SASUKE, FALLING FROM HIS APARTMENT! Now, Spider-Man was really horny, so he actually wound up ignoring Sasuke's certain death.

Sasuke, being as stupid as he is, didn't know what the hell had happened when SUDDENLY! a ginormous, inevitable Christmas tree with equally ginormous breasts appeared, and Sasuke landed in it's breasts, getting sucked into it's cleavage. Sasuke isn't quite into girls yet ... yeah, yet ... CoughGAY!Cough Ahem, anyways, Sasuke wasn't quite into girls ... yet, and all, so he screamed like a prepubescent girl, clawing his way out of the imposingly squishy boobs, and flailing his arms as he raced back to his apartment. (A/n: ... Wow, what a random streak THAT was!)

He dashed back into his apartment and ripped open his letter, as he sat down. Sasuke read it.

Sasuke,

Yes, I know, it's me. I really shouln't be sending you this letter ... I'm so bored out here. I can't write to the Kyuubi brat because I don't know what to say to him. I also think a letter wouldn't cause him as much pain as I'd like to cause him. I considered writing a letter to Kakashi. He and I used to be freinds. But I think he still hates me for putting him into that coma for a week ... then I considered writing to your pink-haired lady-freind. I decided not to because she probably won't have a clue who I am.

Anyways, uhh ... what's up? Okay, stupid question. You know this letter's gonna suck because you know I never was, and still aren't exactly ... comfortable around people. I'm not a people person. In fact, when people see me, they usually scream and run away. That just proves how freindly I am.

So, umm ... Hi. I can't believe it's been 5 years since I talked to you. I also can't believe I was able to purchase a calendar every year so as to keep track of time. I'm supposed to be on the run, but I still buy calendars every year.

I believe you've met my partner, Kisame. He's that bue-skinned shark man. The really ugly one, yeah, that one. He is so annoying that I belted him across the head yesterday when we passed an un-amusing park made for preschoolers that he said he wanted to check out. He has got the brain capacity of a six-year-old, save his age. Also, being a shark, if we go into a store, he has to eat all the seafood. Just the other day, he ate all the fish in their tank and the manager came over and asked me if he was my son. How perspective do you have to be? A blue-skinned, shark-man, seven-feet-tall, and obviously older than I, I anwered it in a smartass way. "Yes. Yes he is."

Kisame, being as intelligent as he always was, just said, "But Daddy, I couldn't help it. They just looked so tasty."

What a jackass. Oh, he's coming back in now, and ... Oh, no ... he's got ... pixie stix ... now he's going to be unimaginably hyper. God, no.

Bye,

Itachi

"Has Itachi gone crazy?" He asked allowed to no-one in particular, other than his imaginative homedawg Norman. "Since when did he suddenly get the urge to write me? He killed the clan, and 5 years later he writes me a letter 'cause he's bored? I always knew he was crazy but ... this is a little farther than I expected ..." But, alas, he is the one with the irrational fear of breasts, the imaginary friend named Norman, and love for only one being; a male goldfish named Portia who died sixteen years ago.

Sasuke decided to obey his brother and mail him back. Not because he was giving his brother a break, but because he was still afraid of him. He knew what Itachi could do to a person if he wanted to ...

He sat at his laptop with a blank word document on screen. He may have been afraid of Itachi, but his dream before the massacre was to be like Itachi, so now, he would do better than Itachi, by typing his letter. Itachi had his letter messily written, but Sasuke's letter was neat and tidy. Oh, snap.

---

Itachi stretched his back, sighing when there came a satisfying crack. He scratched his head, attempting to remove the massive bed head tangles that had accumulated overnight.

"ITACHI-SAN! YOU HAVES A LETTTTTER!" (A/n: IT REMINDS ME OF THE POSTMAN IN TWILIGHT PRINCESS!Oo Z O M G !) Itachi cringed when he heard Kisame's classic 'schoolgirl voice' ringing throughout their domain. He hurried to the front door, hoping to all existing gods that Kisame would call him again.

"ITACHI-SAN!" Kisame squealed when Itachi came into view. He scurried towards the Sharingan master, thrusting the small white envelope towards him.

Itachi gave Kisame a cynical look, carefully tearing open the envelope, not being careful about ripping the letter, but much more concerned with not breaking any of his perfectly manicured nails. There was no return address, only ITACHI written in big, violent, vengeful letters on the front.

Itachi,

Why on earth did you write to me? Why would you even consider writing to Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, or Sakura?! Okay, Naruto hates you for trying to ubduct him, he even came up to me one day and said you tried to pedophile him! Kakashi-sensei still does hate you for putting him in a coma and betraying Konoha. He also hates you for making me as low on humour and emotionless as I am today. Sakura, like you said, has no idea who you are. Sakura would actually probably like you. One time, she asked me what you looked like, and how you acted. I replied that I didn't want to talk about it. End of story. Then Sakura remained in her pointlessly hopeless La La Land of me romance and continued her endless attempts to flirt with me. She's got this psycotic crush on me and is always competing with other girls for my affection, but I always shoot her (and them) down. She should spend less time trying to impress me and more time practicing her ninjutsu. She's really weak, and whenever we go on a mission, she just stands there and let's Naruto and I do all the work. Not that I don't mind a challenge.

I've kind of been wondering something, Itachi. Since I last saw you, is your hair the same length or is it shorter or longer? Just wondering.

Kisame sounds retarded. Almost as retarded as Naruto. And that's saying something. I keep expecting Naruto to show up and say, "Well, they finally figured out that I have ADHD." And I would believe it, too. Although, I would rather him have cancer or some other deadly disease. Or AIDS so I could make fun of him.

I still don't get the point of this letter so I'm just gonna guess that you've got a lotta time on your hands.

Gotta go, Kakashi-sensei just walked in,

Sasuke

"The little bastard's as boring as he always was." Itachi hissed, crushing the feeble paper in his fist. He proceeded to the kitchen of their house, with the letter still crushed into one powerful fist. He seized the pot of coffee from the coffee maker and poured himself some into his Sonic The Hedgehog mug. With the coffee clutched in one hand, and the letter crumpled in the other, he took a seat at the wooden table in their kitchen. He sipped his coffee, still uttering statements about his incredibly foolish Sasuke's reply is. "Doesn't see the purpose? How foolish can he get?"

"Umm ... Itachi-san?"

Itachi turned, averting murderous eyes to his shark-like partner, who stood in the doorway connecting the kitchen to the hallway. "What?" He growled spitefully.

"Who's the letter from?" Kisame squeaked, in a definate 'I'm-just-curious-so-please-don't-kill-me' voice.

Itachi considered yelling at Kisame, then considered walking away without answering him, then ultimately wound up muttering a reply of.

"Just my stupid little brother."

"Sasuke? He wrote you?" Kisame asked, genuinely shocked.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I wrote him first."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I wanted to."

"Why did you want to?"

"Because ... because I can, all right?" Itachi spat, glaring at Kisame with the purest loathe.

"Woah, someone hasn't taken their happy pills yet today!"

Smack.

Crack.

Thump.

Kisame fell to the floor with a thump, as Itachi's slightly chipped mug leaked the remnants of his coffee onto Kisame's unconcious body. Itachi had swung the cup at him, hitting him in the head, knocking him out cold.

Itachi briefly regretted the violence with the loss of his beloved caffiene, and the small amount of damage done to his mug, before promptly setting the crushed ball of paper in his hand aflame, letting the ashes fall to the floor.

TBC ...

Hey everybody! Was it an okay rewrite? It took me quite awhile to rewrite it, but I think I did an okay job! I'm working on the second one at this very moment, so hopefully it'll be up soon! ... if I don't get too caught up in Zelda, that is. :P

--IncestiveNekoYaoiBoysxx