Apart from being struck down by a horrid case of writers block right at the beginning of this chapter, it's turned out okay. I've had quite a bit of help of Raging tree trunk and smegginitlarge, who've put up with me asking daft questions on MSN. Thanks to all those who've reviewed!
Sunrise

Lister leant his head against the cold bars of the cell; deep in thought "d'you reckon if I pretended to collapse she'd come in and give me mouth to mouth?" he asked the others

Rimmer raised his head from the bunk, and mulled the question over "Nope." He said finally "In fact I'm pretty sure she'd leave you there in the hope whatever you'd collapsed with was fatal!"

"Smeg off!"

"I was only answering your question!" replied Rimmer, trying to sound hurt "Sometimes I feel like none of you value my opinion!"

"Why ever would you get that idea?" said the Cat, with mock sincerity making Rimmer brighten, he then added, "We never value your opion ever!"

"Well" snapped the hologram "I might as well just find some lonely, desolate uninhabited planet and live there, since you all think so little of me!"

"Please…as soon as possible, heck why not now?" replied the Cat, enthusiasm evident in his voice and smile.

"Don't you have a scratch post to rip to shreds?" sniped Rimmer

Kryten wasn't listening to this argument, not that he normally did. Disputes between the Cat and Rimmer could often last several hours, days if Lister got involved.

The main reason why Kryten wasn't listening was Mr. Lister.

Over the past week the mechanoid had become increasingly worried about him.

He was happy. Too happy for someone locked in a cell with minimal chance of escape.

Just when Kryten thought it was humanly impossible for Lister to get any happier…he did, but then, totally out of the blue, he'd spiral into a dark pit of depression.

It had something to do with that female G.E.L.F

Before her arrival, Lister would never keep still for more than a second; he was like Cat in the presence of two mirrors, not really knowing what to do or where to go for the best.

Once she came, he was entirely different, acting casual as if she didn't affect him at all but once her shift had ended Lister would mope about the cell, sighing loudly and miserably whenever he could.

Checking his watch, Lister smiled "only 5 and a half hours til her shift starts!"

"They've got a name for people like you" said Rimmer "what is it now" he raised his eyes to the ceiling in pretend concentration "Ah...yes…stalker!"

"I'm not a stalker!" objected Lister "I'm just taking an interest in her…"

"Mmm" smiled Rimmer sarcastically "perhaps too much of an interest!"

"Sir" pleaded Kryten, walking towards Lister "I understand how monumentally frustrating it must be for you, being stuck in deep space without a person with an additional X chromosome, but I beg you to consider the current situation…G.E.L.F's are notoriously vicious and merciless!"

"She can't be that bad, can she?" asked Rimmer "I mean, she's a girl!"

"Firstly, I shall ignore that incredibly sexist comment, Mr Rimmer and secondly, female G.E.L.F's are just as, if not more, violent than their male companions…especially at certain times of the month!"

Rimmer's eyebrows knitted together in confusion for a moment before he understood "ah" he said "that!"

"What?" asked Lister genuinely confused, "What does 'that' mean, I don't get it!"

Rimmer smirked at his stupidity "Ever heard the saying 'don't trust anything that can bleed for five days but doesn't die…"

"Oh, 'that'!" said Lister, somewhat awkwardly

"The point Kryten's trying to make, Lister is if you do by some bizarre, freaky incident do hook up with the female G.E.L.F it's not going to be pretty. One false word and she's have your eyes out quicker than an industrial strength hoover at point blank range!"

"She won't!" argued Lister "cos she likes me!" it would have been a good, fairly mature comeback had he not stuck his tongue out at the end of it.

"Lister" said Rimmer, slowly and forcefully so it would penetrate through his brain "The first time she met you, she chased you down a corridor, fired a tranquiliser dart into your leg, knocked you to the floor and rendered you unconscious…hardly what I'd describe as a 'grab your coat, you've pulled' situation!"

"You gotta admit, buddy" offered the Cat "that's a pretty violent first meeting…hardly love at first sight…more like loathing at first sight…and I should know about that…it happened the moment I met Rimmer!"

The holograms nostrils flared dangerously, but he said nothing back, preferring to just look angry.

Lister shook his head "maybe…maybe she likes to show her affections with violence…" he tried,

"Oh I see now!" mocked Rimmer, "She nearly destroys what little brains you have because she likes you! Could imagine what she'd do during sex…it doesn't bare thinking about!"

Cats eyes glazed over "I wouldn't mind dying a tragic, horrifically painful death if I meant I could knock boots with her before hand!" he grinned toothily and ran a tongue over his lips suggestively.

"Hey" protested Lister "hands off she's mine!"

"Not yet!" sneered the Cat, "she's hardly come in here, thrown herself at you screaming 'take me I'm yours' has she?"

"Well no-"

"So" smiled the Cat "that means she's for the taking…hey, let the sexiest guy win!"

"I intend to!" smirked Lister,

Cat was temporarily incapacitated as he was laughing so much.

It was at that point that the door at the top of the stairs swung open and two burly male G.E.L.F's came stomping down the stairs.

Going with his instinct Rimmer went and hid the corner of the cell.

One of the G.E.L.F's opened the cell door, the Dwarfers exchanged confused glances.

The guards never came into the cell.

"You" growled the G.E.L.F, pointing at Lister.

"Me?"

The G.E.L.F simply nodded before he and his comrade grabbed Lister by the arms and dragged him bodily from the cell.

"W-what for?" he managed to stutter,

"Torture." Said G.E.L.F one simply.

A strange, eerie calmness took over Lister before his brain finally had the sense to say 'sod bein' calm and controlled…LETS PANIC!'

"Kryten!" yelled Lister, as his struggling form was hauled up the steps "I thought you said they only captured prisoners of war…"

"Don't worry, sir" clucked Kryten, waddling towards the front of they cell "They won't kill you…they just might torture you to within an inch of your life!

"Thanks, Krytes" bellowed Lister before he was flung out the door "VERY SMEGGING' REASSURIN'!"

Lister did his best to try and escape, it was hopeless. The G.E.L.F's were taller, broader and no doubt stronger than he was.

So he tried reasoning with them.

"Look, please don't hurt me…. I've done nuthin' wrong" The G.E.L.F's said nothing but just continued to yank him along,

He glanced up to see a door at the end of the corridor, the words 'TORTURE ROOM' painted in dark red on it's steel shell.

"You can't torture me," gabbled Lister "cos I'm…I'm allergic! Yeah, I'm allergic to torture, I come out in a rash and everythin'…. would you really want that on your conscience?"

The door to the torture room opened, and Lister was thrown into the darkness.

"I'll take that as a 'yes' then!" he yelled through the closed door. It was only once the footsteps of the G.E.L.F guards had died down that Lister realised there was someone else in the room with him...