A/N: Disclaimer (I forget to do these things at the begging) NOT MINE! I wish it was, but we can't always get what we want in life can we? Zombie Kitty, Craig was not in Corrie on Wednesday. I am still very traumatised by this and as mentioned in the previous chapter, wrote an e-mail to ITV. Okay, big thanks you's to all reviewers! I love you all so much! Hugs for each of you!

"Babe?" asked Lister, coming into his quarters looking for Toni. He found her sat cross-legged on Rimmer's bunk, her head propped up by her hand whilst she nodded

at an item in front of her.

Lister opened his mouth to ask what on earth she was doing, but she beat him to it.

"Sssh" she ordered, flapping her free hand at Lister "the remotes having a breakdown!"

Not surprisingly, Lister was rather confused and shocked by this statement, his eyebrows rocketed upwards and his mouth opened slightly making him look very vacant. Shaking his head to salvage what was left of his sanity, Lister laughed, "sorry, for a second there I thought you said the remote was havin' a breakdown…"

Toni fixed him with one of her gazes. The type of gaze that made Lister forget what he was going to say next and sometimes, depending on how long he was subjected to the gaze, made him forgot his own name.

"I did," said Toni

Lister grimaced slightly, "Toni, honey?" he asked quietly "are you feeling okay?" he sat beside her and put his palm on her forehead, presumably checking for a temperature, "you haven't eaten anything strange have you?"

"I'm fine," said Toni, resisting the urge to giggle at Lister's uncanny resemblance to Kryten in 'mother hen' mode.

"Babe" said Lister, looking her in the eye "you've just said the vid screen remote is havin' a break down!"

"But it is" she protested

"Toni, listen to me," Said Lister raising his voice in the hope it'd help her to see sense

"It's a smeggin' remote! Just a lump of plastic and wires" the further emphasise his point he plucked the remote off the bed and waved it at her,

"DON'T TOUCH IT!" screamed Toni, Lister immediately did as he was told and dropped the remote back onto the bed.

"Mind if I ask why?" He said, watching his girlfriend warily,

"It doesn't like to be touched, you were invading its personal space" she smiled reassuringly "it has issues with physical contact…"

"And erm…it 'told' you this did it?" asked Lister, secretly wondering if his girlfriend had finally flipped.

"Yeah"

There was a pause before Lister yelled "KRYTEN!" he raced over to the door and stuck his head out into the corridor "Krytes, I need your help in here, man!"

"It's okay," said Toni, "I can handle the remotes breakdown by myself, there's no need to bother Kryten"

Lister dragged a hand down his face "Toni, I don't think it's the remote havin' the break down I think it's you…"

"Me?" she repeated before laughing, "Why would you think that?"

"You just said the remote was talking to you!" wailed Lister; miserably "You cannot talk to electrical appliances!"

"But I can" said Toni.

Lister gave a whimper and banged his head against the door frame "First girl I meet in 3 million years and she thinks she's the Doctor Dolittle of Dixons…" he turned back to face Toni, who stared back at him, a deadly serious look upon her face. It took a few seconds for the penny to drop. "You're tellin' the truth, aren't you?"

Toni nodded.

"How?" asked Lister feebly, as he made his way back to where Toni sat, somewhat wobbly.

"My great, great, great, great grandfather was a special breed of G.E.L.F. Still designed to capture POWs but he was built with the ability to interpret the signals given off by anything with an electrical current. It came in handy when trying to obtain information from enemies' computers, it was far simpler asking the computer for a certain file than hacking your way through hordes of junk. This trait has been passed down the generations"

"Why didn't you tell me?" said Lister,

"It never cropped up in conversation…" replied Toni.

Suddenly, Lister felt like he was going to faint, he put his head in his hands in a vain attempt to stop the room from spinning. "Great" he said sarcastically "I've got a girlfriend who can talk to batteries…"

"Oh no" said Toni "I don't talk to batteries."

"Any particular reason why?"

"They talk crap," said Toni simply.

Lister sighed, mostly out of confusion the anything else. "I dunno, Toni…just when I think I know everything about you…you go and spring summat like this on me!" he paused "can you really talk to electrical equipment?"

Toni nodded "I'm quite fluent" she grinned

"Can you show me" asked Lister, his eyes wandering about the room searching for something Toni could converse with "Talk to the TV…"

A tiny gasp escaped Toni's lips "I can't talk to the TV" she hissed,

"Why not?" frowned Lister.

Toni leant forwards and whispered in his ear "Between you and me, it has access to a variety of porn channels and that's made it a bit…dirty minded!"

"Okay" said Lister quickly "erm, what about the Hi-Fi?" he suggested, not exactly ecstatic at the prospect of a perverted TV talking to his girlfriend.

A blush crept across Toni's pale face whilst her mouth twitched into an involuntary smile.

"What?" asked Lister, not really sure if he wanted to receive an answer.

Toni raised her head to look at him "The Hi-Fi's a terrible flirt…"

It was at that point the room began to spin again, forcing Lister to snap his eyes shut.

"Lister?" asked Toni "are you alright…you look peaky!"

Lister laughed "Oh, I'm fine for a guy who's got a vulgar TV, a flirtatious Hi-Fi and lets not forgot the remote that's havin' a break down!" he rubbed his eyes before standing up "If it's alright with you, I'm gonna go take a walk…try and clear my head" He gave Toni an apologetic smile before walking to the door.

"I had an interesting conversation with the VCR earlier" she paused and grinned wickedly "About you and some dirty videos…"

Lister spun round and began gabbling his defence "before you continue, I'd like to point out the VCR is broke so anything it's said or will say to you is complete crap. It's all lies, so you can pay no attention to it, because it's not true- not a word of it…it's lying, I swear! Because I'd never-"

"Lister" said Toni; serenely "You're digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole…I suggest you stop before you can't get out of it!" she smiled, and got off the bunk, careful not to accidentally invade the remotes personal space, and held his hand "Please, don't be too freaked out…"

"Too late" he muttered, still embarrassed from the 'dirty video' bit.

Toni laughed before kissing him, "Nothing will change…just think of it like me knowing French or German,"

"Okay, okay," sighed Lister, returning the kiss. Once they'd broke apart, the couple looked at each other for a second or two before launching in for a repeat performance.

Soon clothes were being torn off, belts whipped undone, t-shirts tugged from each other's bodies, and before Lister and Toni knew what they were doing, they were in bed for the fifth time that day.

Rimmer was incredibly annoyed at the fact his door was locked. He leapt immediately to the conclusion that Lister had something to do with this,

"Lister" he shouted at the top of his lungs "Open this door this instant!"

The door remained closed.

"Fine" Rimmer muttered to himself "I'll play it your way" he cleared his voice and yelled "LISTER, YOU NO-BRAINED, JUMPED UP LITTLE GIT. OPEN THIS DOOR IMMEDTIALTY OR…I'LL GET REALLY MAD!"

He paused for dramatic effect, "DID YOU HEAR ME?" he hollered "OPEN.THIS.DOOR!"

This time the door slid open, revealing a very angry looking Lister, he was wearing a bathrobe that had obviously been quickly shoved on.

Rimmer moved his head to the left so he could see over Lister's shoulder, Toni was lay in bed, the covers covering her pale body, but she was obviously naked.

Every pigment of colour drained from Rimmer's face and dipped into his boots before it shot right back again, but this time making his face glow as red as the coils of wire inside a toaster.

A hideously awkward silence occurred, before Rimmer coughed "Oh…mmm…erm, very good…carry on!" and with that he ran.

A/N (yes another one): Please, please, please do not ask me where the whole 'Toni talking to electrical equipment' came from. I wrote that particular bit at around chapter 3. It was only supposed to be a little joke, but well...nearly a thousand words later it grew into a whole chapter. If any of you are wondering why I wrote about someone talking to electronic things, well...it was late at night, and it was one of those times when you go 'Oh yeah, that's a great idea', you quickly jot it down and when you read it back in the morning you go 'AGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH WTF WAS I THINKING?'. This happened to me, so I begged for the opinion of smegginitlarge and Rage, who assured me it wasn't crap...they are rather fantastic liars I think you'll agree. Also, the idea of talking to electronic equipment may have been influence by the relationship I share with my DVD player (not that way you sicko!), which usually involves violence as I enjoys turning green at any given time...so I'm forced to hit it and scream insults at it's stupid face...if it had one!

Reads back over what she wrote God, when did I write all that! Sorry for rambling on again. Review please. Thank you!