A/N: Final chapter (sob) but fear not…there may be a sequel if I can: be bothered/find time/ or if no better ideas come along…oh and the whole 'table and chairs' bit (all will become clear) is a dream I had one night after taking some cough medicine, I had hallucinations and woke up shouting and screaming (takes a swig from cough medicine bottle)…I've never been the same since.

Smegginitlarge: I was a picky person I'd say " :O " isn't technically a review, but I don't care…oddly enough it told me everything I needed to know about what you thought of this chapter…I think…thanks!

Reddwarfaddict: (Jedi bows to master) Glad you liked the Rimmer comments. Loving Quarantine 3 by the way!

Zombie Kitty: Yes, I am evil to Lister…but meh, it makes good reading. Smegginitlarge came up with Geoffrey declaring his love thing, it was slightly creepy and it reminded me a soap opera. I doubt he will get over it…. may we all laugh at his harsh fact.

boogle: I agree, Rimmer does have some good lines in the last chappie. 'Hop to it'…you demanding little scamp…but I don't care, (hops to it) thank you!

Basketweaverjesser: Thank you for your lovely review…it most probably did hurt…a lot…oh well.

Jumana: To be honest, the other Dwarfers might have helped…had they not been so incredibly scared of the Geoffrey…I'm glad you thought Rimmer was funny.

cazflibs: Thanks for your review, I'm really happy you thought the chapter was funny, I'm always worried people won't find my writing funny so I'm relieved when they say it is funny…how many times did I use the word 'funny' in that sentence? Oh and as for Lister getting the G.E.L.F…. read on :D!

Giver-of-Hope: Kill Lister? Hmmmm...nah, I've nearly killed him (Til it's gone) but I don't think I could be that cruel.

Thank you all so much, I'm glad you've all taken the time to review, it's much appreciated! Also I think a big thank you needs to go out to Liz and Sian, cos they've helped me so much with this story, they're great! Take a bow girls!

And now…will Toni and Lister be together…or is she doomed to a tedious existence with Geoffrey (sheesh, now that's torture)

It had started off as a fairly promising dream.

He'd been sat on his bunk, the sound of Rastabilly-Skank filled the air and best of all Rimmer was no-where in sight.

Then things got weird.

The grey walls melted away and he found himself in a large open field. To his left lay a waterfall, ice cold Leopard larger gushed into a pool below, complete with diving board and rubber ring.

And still no Rimmer!

He raised his eyes upward, individual trays of curry fluttered about in mid-air. Thousands of them, in every flavour like some giant anti-gravity take away.

Just then, Lister noticed six or seven scantily clad women approaching him, carrying between them what appeared to be an extremely large Moses basket big enough for three or four men to lie in comfortably.

A busty red head with hair flowing down to her hips held out a hand to Lister, "Noble knight, we have been searching for a man for 28 moons now. Our colony is lonely, being made up of entirely of women" she pouted and batted her long eyelashes seductively "Sire, we beg of you to accompany us back to the colony in hopes that you may spread your seed among all the 364 women in our village."

Lister cocked an eyebrow, to which the red head smirked before leaning in close to his ear "In short, we're all desperate for a shag"

He nodded coolly, trying not to seem eager although finding himself rather excited at the idea already.

'What is this place?' Lister thought, but not too hard as he was led away by the giggling tribe of women 'beer, curry, no Rimmer, half naked women who want me really badly…must be heaven!'

He shrugged, decided to just sit back and enjoy it.

The idyllic atmosphere was abruptly ruined when something heavy dropped onto Lister's toe. Cursing and hopping about, he looked downwards.

On the grass sat a squat wooden coffee table, Lister frowned "where the smeg did that come from?" he asked the other women.

But they'd gone.

All of them had vanished.

In their place were tables and chairs of various sizes, colours, and designs…

"Where's all these smeggin' tables and chairs come from?" Lister asked the thin air.

He couldn't find any plausible explanation so walked off…or he intended too.

Before he could move very far something slammed into the back of his head, knocking him to the floor.

"What the?" he turned over and looked upwards "smeg" he managed to murmur.

Hovering about two meters above the ground was the same coffee table that had fallen on his toe.

Lister knew he wasn't very clever but he was certain that flying furniture wasn't normal. He tired to calmly crawl away but the table flew after him, knocking into him.

He tried batting it away but it was useless. So he struggled to his feet and ran.

After twenty or so metres he plucked up the courage to turn around.

He wished he hadn't.

Chasing him were hundreds of chairs and tables, they were swarming after him like a hive of angry bees. You could practically hear the angry buzzing.

Lister couldn't run very fast for very long, and it was hard to tell if he was slowing or if the furniture was gaining.

He inhaled sharply and stopped dead in his tracks. He'd reached a deep gorge. Probably miles deep and hundreds of meters wide. There was no way he could cross it, he was cornered!

The chairs and tables floated eerily as if they were watching him, waiting to see what he'd do.

Seeing that he was defenceless they soared towards him at an alarming speed, he shielded his face as they bashed into him, hitting his with legs, arms, backrests etc. He stumbled blindly backwards and noticed too late he'd run out of ground.

He fell backwards into the deep chasm, arms flailing.

Screaming at the top of his lungs, he plummeted towards the floor.

Lister sat bolt upright, breathing heavily, a fine layer of sweat on his forehead. His eyes quickly rolled about the room.

He was in the medi-bay.

"Mr Lister" fussed Kryten, "You're awake!"

"Tables…" was all he could say "don't like tables…hurt…knocked me off a cliff…no, don't like chairs either…hurty…"

Rimmer smiled "Amazing, he's had his head beaten in and it hasn't affected him in the slightest!"

Kryten chose to ignore that comment and tended to Lister, who'd managed to calm down. "How are you feeling, sir" asked the mechanoid

"I'm still trying to find a bit of me that doesn't hurt" he said, slowly lying back down the on medi-bed.

It was then that he noticed his shirt was undone, his stomach was a colourful array of busies: black, purple, deep yellow, even greeny-blue. He winced and closed his eyes.

"I must say, Listy" said Rimmer, walking towards him "You've got guts I'll tell you that…although they are now minced up and pummelled into something that resembles Georges Best's liver that's been left in the road and repeatedly run over …but you've got 'em and that's the main thing!"

"Thanks, Rimmer" said Lister "From you, that's the best compliment I'm gonna get"

"And that's what made it so hard for me to bet on the other guy winning!"

"What!" cried Lister, trying to sit up but being held down by Kryten "You bet on the G.E.L.F instead of me!"

"Of course" replied Rimmer, backing away slightly "It was a sound investment!"

"I don't believe you Rimmer" said Lister, clutching his aching ribs "I'm lying here…half dead and you go and tell me you bet on the other bloke…what is wrong with you man?"

"God, it's always about you isn't it, Listy." sneered Rimmer "Yes, you may have been beaten to within an inch of your life. Yes you may have been humiliated, punched, kicked, thrown, insulted and God knows what else…but what about me eh? How'd you think I feel?"

"What d'you mean 'how you feel'?" said Lister, not sure what the hologram was waffling on about

"We left before I could pick up my winnings…" said Rimmer, a hint of sadness in his voice "I don't even get a chance to grab my cash because Kryten, good old, ever so helpful, don't know what we'd do without him Kryten, made us all leave immediately because he was worried about you suffering from brain damage" he stopped to glare at the mechanoid "and when I quip 'what brains?' he says I'm being childish, uncaring and down right dishonourable!"

"Well you were!" retorted the mechanoid "I understand what a petty, small minded, melodramatic, neurotic individual you are…but you took that persona to whole new heights!"

"I only said 'what brains'," said Rimmer "I was trying to lighten the mood, inject a little humour into the situation…. what's so wrong with that?"

"Buddy, even I knew that wasn't the time to crack jokes…me for smeg sake!" replied the Cat, shaking his head(but not too vigorously, he couldn't risk spoiling his perfect hair)"you looked pretty beat up, man." he said to Lister,

"I felt it…well, til I blacked out…quite grateful for that actually…" he paused to grimace as Kryten rubbed some TCP onto his bruised stomach "what happened afterwards?"

"Nothing much" shrugged the Cat "Rimmer treated us to his 'roadrunner' act complete with girly screaming…"

Rimmer pulled a face "I wasn't screaming…I had something stuck in my throat, I was coughing!"

Lister forced a laugh, even though it made him want to double up in pain "Rimmer, one of these days you'll choke to death on your own cowardice!"

"No I won't" sneered the hologram "Because I'm dead!"

"Wow" said Lister sarcastically "there's a topic of conversation we've never heard before…"

"Very funny" sniffed Rimmer, crossing his arms

"I do try" smiled Lister

"Hey" said the Cat, waving his arms about "Attention has been diverted from me…that's bad…you wanted to know what happened after you conked out?"

"Yeah"

"Well…" smiled the Cat "we decided to make a hasty exit too so we all ran and flew off in Starbug…leaving the G.E.L.F's behind, boy were they mad!"

That was when Lister remembered; he'd lost Toni.

"She had to stay with the G.E.L.Fs didn't she" said Lister quietly "I lost…"

If he had opened his eyes he would have seen Cat, Kryten and even Rimmer stood smiling rather smugly, like they knew something he didn't.

"That reminds us, sir" said Kryten "we've got a little something to cheer you up" he and the Cat walked round the medi-bed towards the examination screen

"Don't bother" said Lister sullenly "nothing is gonna cheer me up"

"Don't be so sure, Listy" smirked Rimmer "I think this will!"

"Fine" said Lister, propping himself up on his elbows "what is it!"

Cat and Kryten pulled away the examination screen shouting "Ta-da!"

Lister jaw dropped.

Stood behind the screen was Toni, beaming at him.

"You've got to be smeggin' me!" said Lister, staring at Toni half expecting her to disappear,

"Nope" said the Cat, flashing a toothy grin.

Toni raced over and wrapped her arms around Lister, who at first returned the hug before involuntary crying out.

"I'm sorry," she gabbled, letting him go "I…I didn't mean to! I'm sorry"

"It's okay" reassured Lister "just don't squeeze too hard…"

Toni jumped back, as if Lister was made from tissue paper and would crumple beneath her fingers

Lister was slightly disappointed that she jumped back, he knew it was just because she cared but it still hurt that she'd leapt back like that, like she found him repulsive or something.

Something must have registered on his face because Toni ran a finger down his jaw and spoke worriedly, "What's the matter?"

"Nothing" he reassured, "just a bit shocked that's all…." He turned his head towards the others and glared "I just wish someone would have told me straight away rather then letting me believe I'd lost you!"

"Oh don't be grateful will you, Lister!" snapped Rimmer, but he was ignored.

"That doesn't matter now, I'm here and I'm staying" said Toni, kissing Lister gently on the lips.

Well, they were off then. The excruciating pain was forgotten as Lister and Toni kissed, getting more and more passionate as they went.

Lister felt like he was being watched. His assumption was correct. Kryten, Cat and Rimmer were watching them,

"D'you mind?" said Lister, hoping they'd take the hint and leave.

"No, we don't mind, carry on..." said the Cat

"Get out!" said Lister, inclining his head to the door. The other Dwarfers left, Cat grumbling something about 'a lucky smegger'.

"Now" he said, smiling at Toni suggestively "where were we?"

"Kissing" said Toni with an impish grin, as leant forwards and brushed her lips against his.

It wasn't long before the pair was wrapped in each other's arms, locked in a passionate embrace.

The last human and his G.E.L.F girlfriend.

The End

Big thank you to anyone who reviewed. If you've just been reading this story and not reviewing, please do now. It would be greatly appreciated and I'd love you for it! Thanks.