Title: He Loves Sirius
Author: PadfootsMoony
Disclaimer: I solemnly swear that I own nothing.
Author's Notes: I would first like to warn everyone that there are Half-Blood Prince spoilers (well, only one I believe) and slashness. For all of you who have not read the book, which I highly recommend you do, or do not like the idea of two males being madly in love with each other (you're insane... right?) then please leave. Now. Why are you still here?
---HBP Spoiler and Slashness Zone---
I have just, at this very moment (1:51 am July 20), finished the Half-Blood Prince... and I, like many other Sirius/Remus shippers, am shocked! What on EARTH was Rowling (who I still would take a bullet for) thinking! Tonks! No offense to all those Remus/Tonks shippers (she is an awesome character)... but come on. Everyone knows that Remus and Sirius belong together. And despite Rowling's efforts to drill into our minds that Remus is now with Tonks, I have decided to write a fanfic that says otherwise. Sirius/Remus forever!
Oh, and this will not actually fit into the book. My bad.
He Loves Sirius
"I love you."
"I beg your pardon?" asked Remus as he looked up from the Daily Prophet. He, like many worried others, checked on this certain source for familiar names with hopes that he would find none. His amber eyes met Tonks's blue ones (for the moment at least), and he noticed that she appeared to be a bit hesitant with repeating herself. He sighed after a moment of uncomfortable silence and returned to the paper, not expecting the witch to speak again. It was late, and Remus had many nights of restless sleep, therefore convincing himself that he was just hearing things and Tonks was being her weird self as always.
"I love you," came the voice, more audible than before.
Remus looked back up at the young woman across from him. She wore a desperate expression on her heart-shaped face, waiting for his reaction. Whatever she had expected however, she certainly did not expect Remus to laugh. Which is exactly what he did. It was not a mean laugh. Not a nervous laugh. A laugh which could only be heard from him when he had oncelistened to one ofSirius's manysilly jokes.
Sirius...
Remus stopped abruptly and became serious once he realized that this moment was no laughing matter. But instead of saying something in return, he avoided Tonks's eyes and took in their surroundings. Tonks had rented a flat, and since Remus had taken a short break from his duties, she had invited him to stay with her. It was particularly small with very few furniture: a bed, a couch, and a table, which was where they were currently sitting at. The size and lack of homeliness hardly mattered considering the fact that in a few days the flat would be vacant once again. Hardly anyone in the Order could stay in one place for more than a week.
There was not much to look at, but it gave Remus enough time to muster up the courage to look into Tonks's eyes. When he did, he saw that her eyes were no longer blue but brown. Her hair had changed as well, from pink to a dull brown. Remus knew why she had changed her appearance, and he immediately felt guilt suffocate him.
"Tonks... I... no you don't."
At first Remus was convinced that she did not hear him, but when he opened his mouth to repeat his words, she stood up and glared at him furiously.
"How can you say that?" asked Tonks angrily. "I love you, Remus! Ever since we pulled Harry from the Muggles! It's taken me months to find the courage to tell you... and when I finally have, you laugh in my face and tell me that I don't love you!"
Remus was at a loss for words. What was he supposed to say?
"Tonks," he said quietly despite the witch's outburst. "I am flattered... I really am, but surely there are better men to fall in love with? Men who are younger. Men who are far more better looking. Men who don't turn into a monster once a month. You deserve someone like that."
Tonks groaned and flopped back down on her seat, hiding her face in her hands. There was yet another silence, but before long it was broken by soft sobbing. Remus frowned as he watched Tonks's shoulders shake with each sob. He had never seen her like this before, and it hurt him to see that he was the cause of her tears.
"But I love you," she said finally, repeating her confession for what Remus believed the third or fourth time. "I don't want anyone else! I want you!" By now she looked up, most likely to make sure Remus was still there. "Can't you see how much we need each other, Remus? We're fighting this dreadful war together, aren't we? We've both endured the same loss-"
"No," snapped Remus, a bit harsher than he intended. He knew what "loss" she was referring to, and he could not stop himself from disagreeing with her. "No," he repeated as he took his turn to stand up. "We did not endure the same loss."
A mix of emotions, from confusion to pain, swirled in her eyes as she tried to decipher what Remus was saying. "But... Sirius... ."
Remus sighed and rubbed his face with both hands, trying to find the right words to use. He knew that he would have to tell her the truth, but he always expected to reveal this truth with a certain person who was now the main topic of their uneasy conversation.
"Yes, Sirius... I know whoyou're talking about, Tonks," said Remus in barely a whisper. He still did not know how to say it.
"Then why-"
"Because when Sirius died, you lost him as a friend," choked Remus, feeling his heart clench painfully. "He meant much more to me than that... and his death was a greater loss to me than anything else."
His eyes looked up to see if Tonks's expression changed at all, since they had been focussed on the floor as he told her the secret he kept to himself for most of his life. He saw that it in fact had changed, from so much confusion and pain to complete shock. Unlike Tonks, who was surprised that Remus had laughed after confessing her own secret, he expected this from her.
"You mean... you mean to say that... ."
"Sirius and I were lovers. Yes, Tonks, lovers," he repeated as a look of disbelief washed over her tearstained face. "Gays, poofs, shirtlifters, whatever you want to call us. Sirius loved me, and I loved him... ." Remus paused for a moment, noticing that what he had said was a huge life. "I still love him."
It took a minute or two for her to take it all in, and when she appeared to understand, tears began to spill over the nearly dried ones. "Of course," muttered Tonks as she allowed herself to cry openly this time. "I should have known... what, with the looks he gave you... the way he talked about you... ."
Remus could not help himself but walk over to Tonks, bend over, and take her into his arms. She felt amazingly fragile there, crying onto his shoulder and whispering things that sounded like 'I should have died, not him' or 'It's my fault he's gone'. Again he was unable to find words that would somehow comfort the witch, but he knew that he could not let her feel this way about herself.
"Tonks," he whispered gently as he ran his fingers through her hair, "you know perfectly well that is not true-"
"But-"
"Listen, Tonks... there was nothing anyone could do. His death was not your fault. And don't you ever think that you should be the one dead. Sirius wouldn't want that... neither would I. I wouldn't want anyone to take his place in death other than Bellatrix of course... ." He never mentioned how he wanted more than anything to have been killed that night instead of Sirius.
Both were blessed with silence as Remus continued to comfort her despite the cramping pain he was beginning to feel in his lower back; he had been in the same position for what felt to be almost an hour. Finally, much to Remus's relief, Tonks pulled away, allowing him to stand straight up. She wiped the tearsfrom her face, sniffed, and laughed. Quietly at first, but then it became louder as she saw the look of confusion flash across Remus's face.
"Bollocks," cursed Tonks and stood up as her laughs calmed down. "I'm such a baby you must think. I've been a bit too emotional, haven't I?"
"Perhaps it is your time of month?" suggested Remus and was delighted to see that Tonks gave him a smile. That and a playful punch to the shoulder. "Are you all right?"
Tonks nodded, and soon her hair turned into a blinding shade of pink and her eyes blue. Remus felt most relieved at this. "I'm sorry for causing this all, Remus... such an uncomfortable night."
"Uncomfortable night indeed, but I am grateful that it was spent with you."
"Oh, bugger off-"
"Tonks?"
"Remus?"
"You are a wonderful and talented witch. I know that you will have no trouble at all stealing someone's heart," whispered Remus with his eyes never leaving Tonks.
"What about you, Remus?" You're still young," said Tonks, and she rolled her eyes when Remus snorted at the word 'young'. "No, really... you are. And with Sirius gone... it seems like an awful long time... alone and all."
"I do not worry about that," answered Remus simply. Sadness was evident in his eyes, but his smile refused to disappear. "I see him every night... so I am not entirely alone. And of course, I have you."
Tonks walked into Remus's arms, and they held each other once again, staying silent for perhaps the millionth time that night. When they broke apart after a moment, this time Remus pulling away first, Remus sighed and looked around.
"I hate to leave you alone, especially after the night we've had, but I'm afraid I must depart. Are you sure you're all right?" he added after a pause.
"Yes, Mother," said Tonks. "When haven't I been all right?
Remus laughed softly and rubbed the back of his neck, "For the sake of my health and safety, I refuse to answer that question."
"Go, you wanker," she ordered but not unkindly. "Going off to return to your duties, are you? I'll see you soon I hope."
"But of course," said Remus as he walked towards the door. "I shall expect to see your hair in a brighter and more blinding color than what it is now... assuming that a color couldbe any brighter than that."
"Remus?" asked Tonks just as he opened the door.
"Tonks?" Remus turned his head to look at her, fearing that she took his comment the wrong way.
"I love you."
He relaxed a bit and nodded knowingly. "I love you too." And he stepped out into the cool night, gently closing the door behind him. Remus gazed up into the velvety black sky and found what he had been looking for.
Sirius.
He smiled and made his way down the street.
Author's Notes: :Sigh: Harry Potter makes me sad. Too much tragedy. I was completely shocked when Dumbledore was killed. Totally threw me off guard. I thought Malfoy was going to give in and everything would be hooray! but I should have known better, huh? I was even more surprised with the whole Tonks and Remus thing. Nooooo:Melts intothe pathetic puddle of doom: I still can't believe Rowling did that. Well, doesn't matter... Sirius and Remus are a couple. And you all know it! Well, anyway, please review as this is my first fanfic. It's not good, but I worked hard on it so I tried!
And of course...
Mischief Managed