A/n: I was bored yesterday, and this randomly came to me. Draco's narration is always fun. I tried not to include things from the Half-Blood Prince just in case people haven't finished it yet, but there's one reference. Well, enjoy & read and review.
Lucius Malfoy: Life in Azkaban
Hello, my name is Draco Malfoy and I'm here to tell you the story of a very unfortunate man. He also happens to be my father. He has almost as many fangirls as me, but don't tell mother…er…Narcissa. You may not be familiar with the story of Lucius Malfoy. If not, it's your lucky day. I'm here to enlighten you. Lucius(or Lucy for short) Malfoy has always been a faithful Death Eater to the Dark Lord. You may know him as You-know-who or He-who-must-not-be-named. I'd advise you not to say his real name. It brings fear to everyone, and if he finds out, he'll kill you. Anyway, Lucius Malfoy was a faithful Death Eater, that is until that Potter came along. You know the story, I'm sure. The Dark Lord killed his filthy parents, and then he tried to kill Potter, but of course the spell backfired and he went away for a long time. Potter gained fame for being lucky and everyone calls him the boy-who-lived.
My father, Lucius, was also school governor of Hogwarts… until 1992 when that Potter got him fired. How troublesome. Well, my father always had a place in the ministry of magic. He was quite considerate and made important…contributions. By the end of my fourth year at Hogwarts, the Dark Lord himself returned, and Lucius Malfoy returned to his Death Eater job. Of course, Potter made accusations. They weren't proven. Fifth year, Potter evaded death by the Dark Lord and somehow he put my father in Azkaban. I'll have to get that Potter back. Not only is my father in prison, but now I'm stuck here at home with Narcissa. She drives me absolutely crazy. She invites all the wives over, and Bellatrix. I hate it. She'll call me out to get them tea and sorts and make me listen to them gossip. It's absolutely horrid. I miss Lucy.
So, this brings us to now. My father is stuck in Azkaban prison and is still waiting to be rescued by the Dark Lord. That will happen… I know the Dark Lord is preoccupied with Potter, but he'll get around to freeing my father and the others… soon. Lucius Malfoy is prisoner number 666. He lives in a single bed cell. Let me be the first to tell you, he is not very happy. Who would be? He used to live in some huge, huge mansion and now he lives in a dirty, cell. There never used to be walls in Azkaban, but since the Dementors left, the ministry of magic has decided that walls would be necessary.
When Lucius Malfoy was brought to Azkaban, he was forced to wear the very ugly uniforms. Not only that, but they took away his wand so he wouldn't be able to escape. Many spells are placed on the prison so the prisoners will not escape. It's not very fair now, is it? Well, now you may be wondering, how does Lucius spend his day?
Lucius Malfoy wakes up at 6 am sharp along with all the other prisoners. They awake to an item that sounds close to a banshee, but actually is the music of the muggle Britney Spears. The prisoners are then served nasty, nasty food by nasty, nasty creatures. Lucius really doesn't like to eat these things at all. The menu may consist of hippogriff dandruff, dragon pus, basilisk eggs, homemade slugs, and Pygmy Puffs. Eww, yes I agree. After breakfast, the prisoners spend most of the time in their cells. Sometimes, they are allowed to receive visitors. Lucius is a 'special' case and he isn't allowed to get visitors. The ministry fears that his visitor will most likely be the Dark Lord. Mother wants to visit him, but they won't let her. I'd like to see him, too. Narcissa is impossible! He must save me from that crazy woman!
So, since he doesn't get visitors, he mostly just sits in his cell and thinks to himself. He spends a lot of his time wondering if Voldie—er—the Dark Lord will ever save him. Well, its been a while and the Dark Lord hasn't saved him yet, but he's-a-coming. Who knows? He might come soon. Yet, father may see him for a bad reason…er…not because of me or anything. He spends a lot of time thinking of new ways for revenge. Of course, that would be revenge on Potter. You know, I would have, but I've been busy with other things. I hate Potter for putting Lucy in prison! So, does father. He plots things, and they don't know. He thinks of new plots everyday.
"Hmm… the unforgivable curses, he'll be expecting them. I will do something unexpected. I will lock him in a room with that muggle I hear every morning, except he will listen to that horrid voice for hours and end up committing suicide! Or, I will make a huge elaborate scheme to get him cornered with me and he will fall for it because he is an idiot. I will talk on hours for end, like a certain master of mine, and he will accidentally escape, except…I forgot to fit in the part about him dying… hmm…this is no good."
I know one day he will succeed. Lucius is a very talented wizard. He can avada-kedavra and crucio himself out of any situation. Except for, in fact, this one because he does not have his wand. Lucius spends a good time thinking about Narcissa
'Well, at least there won't be anymore of her stupid shopping sprees where she drags me along because she's got to have this or that… Finally…'
He also spends a good time think about me! I mean, who wouldn't?
'I wonder how Draco is doing. He's probably still a brat as usual. I wonder if his mother is still spoiling him. God, I've told that woman thousands of time to show some discipline. I wonder if he's beaten Potter at quidditch. Probably not, he's terrible at quidditch. It cost an arm and a leg to get him on that team. I wonder if the Dark Lord has him doing something… if he does, then he picked the wrong person. Draco will fail. He's always been a failure… good for nothing son. I wish I was there to impose some life lessons on the boy…'
Anyway, he thinks nothing but good thoughts about me…
'The only good thing about the boy is that he carries the Malfoy look. He's good looking just like his father and his mother, but mostly his father.'
Lucius is always concerned about being presentable and handsome. In Azkaban, your looks tend to grow wild. I know, it's horrible. I never want to be in Azkaban. Usually, father washed his hair three times a day, and sometimes more. He used the shampoo that made his hair shiny and healthy. He uses a ton of conditioner. If he didn't, it would be impossible to comb his hair…not that his hair has split ends. It's quite perfect. It's even more better than mother's hair. I sort of think that Narcissa is jealous of father's hair. I've decided that I won't grow long hair because my hair is obviously better than father's. If he got jealous of my hair, then he might try to kill me or something to eliminate the competition. I will say for the whole world to know: Lucius has the best hair ever.
The truth be told, nothing really goes on in Azkaban prison. It's actually pretty boring. Lunch and dinner are the same as breakfast. When it gets dark out, the prisoners can go to sleep, if they are able to sleep at all. It looks pretty uncomfortable in there. Well, at least father isn't suffering alone. He's got friends in there, too! (Nott, Rodolphus, Crabbe, Rabastan, Jugson, Dolohov, Macnair, Avery, Rookwood, and Mulciber) You know, the usual gang. Well, they aren't really allowed to speak to each other, or see each other, so I guess he doesn't have his friends, but they are suffering!
At night, Lucius spends the time trying to fall asleep and wonders when the Dark Lord is coming to rescue him.
"It'll be soon… it'll be soon…"
And, that's his story. It's horrible, and sometimes it happens to the best of people. Please keep in mind his suffering and remember: Death Eaters are people, too!
My name is Draco Malfoy, and I bid you farewell.