Disclaimer: I do not own Legolas or any other LotR characters. They belong to Tolkien. This fic is based on Idea #... from Erestor's list, "100 Ideas for Your Inevitable Legolas Fanfic," which everyone should read. I also have a "Phantom of the Opera" reference, as well as a minor one from "Shaun of the Dead" (which is a wonderful movie if you are in the mood for a romantic comedy, but also want to see something with zombies). Also, I really don't hate Legolas.
Legolas Falls Apart
Legolas had a secret. He had a horrible wasting disease and would probably die in a few days. But he didn't want to tell anyone, because he didn't want them to worry. Legolas was always concerned for others. Also, he was afraid that they would laugh at him.
Legolas had contracted the disease on his way to Imladris. One day, he saw a cute little grime-covered child wandering around by itself. As a Prince of Mirkwood, he had, of course, absolutely no reason to mingle with dirty mortal peasant children. But Legolas was kind-hearted and thought nothing of status, and he had escaped his security detail, which would not approve. He knew that he had to rescue this child. He was a very noble Elf.
"Are you lost?" asked Legolas.
"No," said the child. "My village is right over there." It pointed to some nearby houses.
"You are all alone," said Legolas. "I must save you from the terrors of the wild!"
"I'm all right, really," said the child. "My father is right over there."
A tall, blond, and dirt-covered man waved at them.
Legolas would not take no for an answer.
"You will be killed by spiders!" he shouted. "I will rescue you!" Bravely, Legolas leaped forward to sweep the child out of harm's way. The child picked up a daddy longlegs and dangled it in Legolas's face. Legolas screamed and dropped the child, which scraped its knee and began bawling. Its father was not pleased.
Legolas bandaged the child's knee and valiantly saved it from bleeding to death. Its father "accidentally" scraped Legolas's arm with his knife, which turned out to be very unhygienic. Legolas was very modest and did not like to hear himself praised, so he left before the father could start thanking him.
As he continued on to Imladris, Legolas noticed that his arm had swollen until it was larger than his leg. Then it began to rot and smell very unpleasant. Legolas was usually rather a carefree and merry Elf, but this was slightly troubling.
The disease spread over his body. Near the end of his journey, several of his toes rotted off. This made it a bit difficult to balance properly, so he kept them stuffed in his socks. He would get some duct tape once he got to the Last Homely House. Elrond always had a supply handy.
When Legolas reached Imladris, he composed a letter for his father to say that he had gotten to his destination and was in perfect health. He knew Thranduil would turn a few missing extremities into a big deal and did not want to upset him. Thranduil had developed high blood pressure from the stress of ruling Mirkwood. Writing was difficult for Legolas because he was having trouble keeping his hands intact. He put on some gloves, and then he went to see if he could convince Erestor to write the letter by complimenting his penmanship.
Within a week, Legolas was held together almost entirely by Elrond's duct tape. He now wore a ski mask all the time. The other Elves gave him funny looks, but most thought it was probably a new fad in Mirkwood. The look began to catch on.
His disease was getting harder to hide. At dinner, he lost his tongue in his soup.
"Are you all right?" asked Elrond.
"Uhhh," said Legolas.
Elrond made Legolas take off his ski mask. Everyone else at the table retched. Legolas's disease was gross.
Elrond diagnosed Legolas in the dining room.
"You have a horrible wasting disease," he proclaimed.
"Uhhh," said Legolas.
"I have a cream that can stop it from progressing, but it will not undo the damage," said Elrond. "You should have said something sooner."
"Uhhh," said Legolas. He tried to glare, but his eyebrows decided that it would be more interesting to find out what bouillabaisse was really like and went to join his tongue in the bowl. He stopped moving his face and tried projecting thoughts instead. It didn't work. Legolas wished Galadriel were there to translate. She might have refused to use some of those words, though.
When Legolas's decomposition had been brought to a standstill, he was sent back to Mirkwood. He was afraid he would be an outcast. He wondered if his father would let him live in the depths of the palace and play the organ, coming out only when nobody would see him. However, Thranduil had a better idea. Through a combination of Legolas's new look and an out-of-tune viola, the Elvenking never had unwanted visitors ever again.