The Boring Pre-story Crap: Greetings, I am Phobos-Hell, the one who will be presenting this fanfic unto you - the populous of aspiring writers of this site. It's a MGS2 fic, you know. Kick ass game, too. But I'm lazy, so in case you notice some missing things or false facts, uh, get over it? JK I haven't played it in a while, and it uh…it takes place in an alternate universe (let's go with that...). Second of all, Kojima Hideo Sama, I am sorry for butchering your script and degrading your characters in such ways that would bring a man to tears ( or at least say ew really loud).

(Bows to Kojima Shrine) Of course, I do not own any of the plot, script (except the parts that are supposed to be funny but will have people saying What the Fuck?), characters, Crank Yankers or tampons. Nor do I own the skill of crafting a complex tapestry of plot twists and mind-bending, mind numbing, pants-soiling storylines - that belongs to the master himself - Hideo, Hideo, Hideo…

The SOL Tutorial

Raiden gets to the door. To his horrified surprise, he spots a guard getting up off of the floor.

Raiden: Like, OHMIGOD! What do I do, what do I do, what do I DO!

Colonel: Stop screaming like a friggin girl, dipshit. Now, tell daddy what's wrong…(makes disturbing cooing noises)

Raiden: Terror-man…big scary gun…AN-94...Makarov…big guy…Hmm…kinda sexy!

Colonel: I've got it! Raiden, use your girlish looks to distract the guard.

So. Raiden flirts with the terrorist.

Generic Terrorist Grunt: Hey sexy thang! We don't get ho's like you in Russia. Let me get dem digits!

Raiden: Ooh, such a big strong man! (giggles) I might give you my number, if you let me see that gun of yours…

Terrorist: (pulls down pants) I'll let you see my barrel…

Raiden tries to keep his hands off the terrorist's unmentionables. (SLICE!) cuts off the soldier's wang.

Terrorist: Sweet mother of Stalin! (Dies of…I don't know - dick loss?)

Next, Raiden sees two unconscious soldiers in the next room. He spots a computer terminal in the corner.

Campbell: Raiden, walk up to that console.

Raiden: But it's big and scary! What'll happen?

Campbell: It'll give you a wicked-ass orgy…

Raiden: Weee! (touches screen) AHHHH!

After being almost fried by electric volts, the state of the art detection system - Soliton Radar- activates.

Too bad the guards are up, though. Raiden hides behind crate.

Raiden: Shiznit! I need a diversion!

He selects the item "WANG" on the items list. Terrorist 1 yawns, and gets a mouthfull of severed weenie.

Terrorist 1: Hey, this ain't a hot dog!

Terrorist 2 tries to pull it out, but Raiden caps 'em both in the head.

Raiden: Oh my God - I've killed! My hands will forever be stained with blood! I'm a fucking murderer!

Campbell: Ah, get over it. Now, go retreive the weenie for further use. And haul ass to the elevator. Get that thing out of your mouth!

Raiden takes the elevator, and reaches the 'Shells surface. He takes a deep, relaxing inhale - interrupted when a seagull takes a dump on his face.

Seagull: Squawk - Fag! - Squawk!

Raiden opens another door, meeting the barrel of an AN-94.

Terrorist: (Gasp!) Enemy sighted! Requesting backup unit! (Moves around stupidly without shooting)

Raiden: Uh…aren't you going to shoot me? (pats his chest) Defenseless here!

Terrorist: Well, this is a Metal Gear game. Which means its my job to stand hear and make scary sounds and do terrorist things. Why? Cause Kojima Hideo sama is such a nice guy, that he gives his players a chance to run or -

Raiden: shoot them? (puts SOCOM to terrorist's face)

Terrorist: Oh…(realizes his impending doom) Yea - AGH! (gets capped)

Pretty soon, Raiden turns from wuss to badass in just a few minutes. This shell is cleared! He's about to cross this suspiciously empty-looking bridge. Suddenly, a message beeps on his CODEC.

: Yo, ma nizzle! I got some in fizzle you may wanna hizzle!

Raiden: Whuu?

: I got some info, asshole! What'd you think I said?

Raiden: Is this some kinda prank call? Is this Crank Yankers? I will not be the object of lewd public entertainment! I got your number, asshole! 144.14!

: Yeah, whatever…My name's Mr. X I'm one of your biggest fans.

Raiden: Mr. X? What kind of name is that? Are you a pimp or something? I warning you - I ain't gonna be your ho!

Campbell: Heh, heh, that's right…He's taken!

Mr. X: Listen, dawg. There's a shitload of C4 on this bridge, and in this whole freaking place. And there's an ugly, fat dude in the next shell. If you wanna know about blowing shit up, talk to him. If it's masterbation you want, call me up, holmes!

Raiden: Don't worry, I'm an expert in that field. Wait, how do I get across the bridge?

Mr. X: Hmm? Oh. Dunno.