The Boring Pre-story Crap: Greetings, I am Phobos-Hell, the one who will be presenting this fanfic unto you - the populous of aspiring writers of this site. It's a MGS2 fic, you know. Kick ass game, too. But I'm lazy, so in case you notice some missing things or false facts, uh, get over it? JK I haven't played it in a while, and it uh…it takes place in an alternate universe (let's go with that...). Second of all, Kojima Hideo Sama, I am sorry for butchering your script and degrading your characters in such ways that would bring a man to tears ( or at least say ew really loud).

(Bows to Kojima Shrine) Of course, I do not own any of the plot, script (except the parts that are supposed to be funny but will have people saying What the Fuck?), characters, Crank Yankers or tampons. Nor do I own the skill of crafting a complex tapestry of plot twists and mind-bending, mind numbing, pants-soiling storylines - that belongs to the master himself - Hideo, Hideo, Hideo…

There's Something About Fat Men

After getting several game overs, Raiden makes his way across the bridge. He finds his way to a lil' kitchen, complete with a fat guy in hiding.

Fat guy: How'd you find me? My cover was ingenious!

Raiden: Dude, you're in a box of condoms…

Fat guy: It's a hobby. Hell, worked for Snake in Metal Gear Solid. (Holds up MGS cd to audience) Buy today for only $9.99!

Raiden: Yeah, but this is a new MG game. Which means two things: one - great action, violence, profanity, guns, long, played-out explanations worthy of a movie (that's a hint to you arses in Hollywood) and other great shit. And two - somebody's gotta piss in their pants.

Fat guy: …..

Raiden:….Well, I'm not doing it!

Fat guy: (shakes head in pity) My name is Peter Stillman. I know stuff. I'm fat. And I have a munky!

Charles (munky): Oooh, oooh, - fag! - ooh, ooh!

Raiden: Damn you, munky…(eye twitches) And what kind of name is (snickers) 'Peter'?. Sounds like some lame-ass name you made up yourself!

Peter: Stop laughing! As a matter of fact, I did name myself. My momma named me…Kristal

Raiden: (Busting out laughing and pointing at Kristal) 'Kristal'! Oh, man, that's rich. You must have had a hard time at school!

Peter/Kristal: And you didn't?

All the taunt and ridicule of the past comes back to Raiden. A tear falls from his eye.

Raiden: (sniff) I don't wanna talk about it!

Peter/Kristal: So, who are you, anyway? I didn't think they'd send a drag queen in to stop a hostile terrorist insurgency.

Raiden: I'm Agent Dipshit - I mean Raiden! (Damn you, Colonel)

A knock comes from the door.

Peter/Kristal: It's Solidus! Hide me, quick!

Raiden: Hide over there by that box of watermelons - he'll never tell the difference!

BOOM! The door gets kicked down by a man - who looks suspiciously like Snake. He holds an M4 in his hand. He whacks Raiden with it.

Guy Who Isn't Snake: Oops. My bad. If I knew you were a girl I wouldn't have knocked the shit outta you!

Raiden: I'm a boy!

Guy Who Isn't Snake: Could've fooled me. Well, you still look like a girl to me, so I'll call you Sarah. My name's Pliskin (Mullet waves in slow motion, MGS2 theme plays) Iroquois Pliskin.

Raiden/Sarah: My name is RAIDEN! Hmm…I could get used to Sarah, though…

Pliskin: Sure, Sarah. Who's the fatass in the melon box?

Peter/Kristal: You can see me? I thought you said this was a good spot, Raiden!

Raiden: (shrugs) Moron

Pliskin: Dumbfuck

Charles: Fatass…Bannanas!

Everyone laughs at Peter. Later, Raiden tells Peter about their little bobm problem.

Peter/Kristal: (Holds up C4 detector) This little puppy's like a bloodhound. It'll sniff out the C4 in no time. Just push this lil button, and there you go. I also know the culprit behind this shit - Fatman!

Pliskin: A fatman! You mean YOU planted the bombs (whacks him with M4) you evil bastard!

Peter/Kristal: No, you idiot! Fatman's a terrorist. Somebody's gotta take him out. (peers at Raiden)

Raiden/Sarah: Ooh, I like fat men!

Pliskin: Too much information…Kristal, any girls around this place? I need to release myself.

Kristal: 'Fraid not

Pliskin: Shizznit!

Raiden, Pliskin, and Charles finally diffuse the C4 bombs. While Raiden and Charles are busy playing gin rummy, Pliskin visits Peter again.

Peter/Kristal: Pliskin? What are you doing here? Go take care of those bombs.

Pliskin punches him in the stomach.

Peter/Kristal: OW! What'd I do? (PUNCH!) AGHH!

Pliskin: Don't mind me, I'm gonna pick on you before Sarah and Charles get back. (PUNCH!)

Peter/Kristal: Why? I didn't do anything to you! (PUNCH!)

Pliskin: Cause you're fat. I don't like fatties. (PUNCH!)

Meanwhile, Raiden and Charles corner Fatman on the roof.

Raiden/Sarah: Colonel, I see Fatman! Do I have to fight him?

Campbell: Duh. But don't worry, he's fat. He can't do shit. Plus you have a munky!

Charles (with a banana flavored blunt): Oooh, ooh! You're on your own, fag!