The Boring Pre-story Crap: Greetings, I am Phobos-Hell, the one who will be presenting this fanfic unto you - the populous of aspiring writers of this site. It's a MGS2 fic, you know. Kick ass game, too. But I'm lazy, so in case you notice some missing things or false facts, uh, get over it? JK I haven't played it in a while, and it uh…it takes place in an alternate universe (let's go with that...). Second of all, Kojima Hideo Sama, I am sorry for butchering your script and degrading your characters in such ways that would bring a man to tears ( or at least say ew really loud).

(Bows to Kojima Shrine) Of course, I do not own any of the plot, script (except the parts that are supposed to be funny but will have people saying What the Fuck?), characters, Crank Yankers, Neo, any of the various digital incarnations of the A.I 'Agent Smith', or tampons. Nor do I own the skill of crafting a complex tapestry of plot twists and mind-bending, mind numbing, pants-soiling storylines - that belongs to the master himself - Hideo, Hideo, Hideo…

Overkill

Fatman and Raiden face each other off on the 'Shells rooftop. Raiden hears the C4 ticking all around him. Not much time left…

Fatman: 'Ello, govna'! My name is Fatman. (He bows very gentleman-like) But you can call me Fattie Fats!

Raiden/Sarah: (Pisses his tights) Shit! Why did I have to do it?

Author (sipping Smirnoff): I just shook up a bag o' names, and I came up with you. Tough luck, mothafucka!

Raiden/Sarah: I hate this world…Fattie - your reign of terror ends now!

Fattie: Reign of terror? Pshaw… All I ever did was stash a shitload o' C4 in this hellhole of a base, blow up a school bus full of third world country children, steel all the federal reserve from Fort Knox, threaten to blow up the White House, kidnapped the president's son, ate my weight in Whoppers - without paying, and knocked up a couple of housewives for fun. None of that qualifies as 'terrible', now does it?

Raiden/Sarah: I didn't know President Johnson had a son…

Fattie: Neither does anyone else - and I'm keeping that way! Little Johnny's all mine! (makes cooing noises, and takes a sip of wine) But if you've come looking for a fight - you've sure as hell found one! YEE FUCKIN' HAW!

Raiden/Sarah: You can't do nothing to me - you're a fatass. Which means you're slow! (Sticks out tongue)

Fattie: (Flips him off) So what, I got a fuckin' Uzi! Or whatever the hell this thing is. (Looks at gun and caps Charles) Yep--It's an Uzi. Plus, I can do this! (sticks out his ass and farts, moving at the speed of light)

Raiden/Sarah: What the?

Fattie: MEGA-SUPER-BAKERETSU-FATTIE-SMASH-ATTACK! BOOOOOM!

Raiden slips on a seagull terd, Fattie misses him and flies off the roof…

Fattie: Agghhhh! I forgot my fuckin' wine!

Raiden/Sarah: That was…easy. I still think I'm forgetting something, though…

He leaves the roof, with the C4 still tickin' away. BOOOM! Game Over, asshole.

Game player: Damn, I suck at this game. (Pushes continue)

Raiden/Sarah: That was…easy. Time to leave.

Mr. X: What the hell you thinking, fool! You forgot the C4!

Raiden/Sarah: Whu?

Mr. X: The big clumps of boxes laying around you, dumbass!

Raiden/Sarah: Oh, Mr. X, those aren't bombs. They're girl scout cookies! I think they're from my troop, too! Takes a box, setting off the bomb.

This is going to take a while, so let's skip this cutscene and go to the next section, shall we?

Raiden gets to a bomb-rigged bridge, connected to the next shell. Mmm, more cookies!

Pliskin on codec: Let me remind you, miss sarah, those are not cookies! It's semtex. And if you don't snipe the little lights on the consoles, we'll all be in for it. So don't mess up! I'll be there to check on you on a moment, I have to get the Kasatka prepped.

Raiden snipes the bombs with a PSG-1.

Raiden: Oooh! I'm bad! (Licks his finger and sticks it on his ass.) Eww! Why'd I do that?

Pretty soon, a kickass harrier jet - flown by Solidus himself - flies over head.

Solidus: Who do we have here! A little girl trying to foil my plans for world domination! How many times do I have to tell you, Raiden - get out of my water treatment facility!

Raiden: You never let me have any fun! Wahhhh!

Solidus: Ah, shut up…(Launches missiles at the bridge)

Raiden: Colonel, some friggin' maniac is trying to snuff me out! I don't wanna dieeeee!

Colonel: (smacks Raiden) Get a hold of yourself, man - er, whatever you are…

Raiden: How'd you smack me through the cocec?

Campbell: I'm a colonel, Agent Dipshit - I can do very nifty shit like that. Where's Pliskin? He's deceiving you and he can't be trusted and will probably shoot in the back of your head, but he can still help you.

Raiden (dodging missiles): Pliskin - where the hell are you. I need some backup!

Pliskin: Huh? Hey, shutup, Sarah - I can't hear the t.v. They're showing a 5 hour marathon of Sex and the City! That's my fav show in the whole wide world. (Claps and laughs giddily)

Raiden: But I -

Pliskin: Shhhh! Shush, you!

Colonel: Ah, screw him, then. He'll be dead in the next year or so…(laughs evily) We'll send a guy over there now.

From the tattered remains of the bridge, a cloaked figure arises from the flames. He has smooth black hair, which matches his silky long coat and sunglasses. A stinger missile launcher is slung over his shoulder and he smokes a black and mild.

Mysterious Dude: (Cough!) Damn cigs…Oh, hey there. I'm Neo. (Hype techno music plays, and he fights off a dozen Agent Smiths - sunglasses still intact, mind you) And I kick ass!

Raiden: Really? Then let us both do with the ass-kicking - shall we?