Disclaimer: All things Velgarth, including: Heralds, Companions, Tayledras, Haven, etc, are the property of Mercedes Lackey. I merely play amongst what she's created.

Chapter 10: Seasonal Collapse

Seasons turn as seasons do. Fall became winter and then winter turned ever so slowly to a mushy spring. A really mushy spring. I swear I needed hip boots to get through the mud half the time.

I had given out my presents which had all gone over very well —no, I'm not smug about that. Hush.

I had finally decided on giving Silverfox a hand mirror. I had carved the entire thing and then had a small mirror set in. He'd deeply appreciated it —although I'm sure Mr. Peacock is getting more use out of it than Silverfox is. The others had gone over just as well. I'd even seen Talia wandering about a small green ribbon in her hair. Prideful? Me. Never.

Spring was becoming very squishy. Rain fell most days, keeping people inside and shortening tempers a bit. Well, maybe slightly more than a bit. I even found Silverfox slightly short one day. Guess he's human after all.

To say that Selenay was annoyed with me would be an understatement. The ForeSeers were still coming up with predictions of doom and gloom with me in the middle of it. What happened after all those disasters was still a mystery. I had taken to playing deaf and mute. I never responded to my name at all unless I recognized the voice and knew that it wasn't yet another harangue about the future.

I mean a couple of the Foreseers had even taken to accosting me in the halls, or outside. Wherever they could find me. About the only places I was safe were the salle —since no one messed around in there— Firesong's Vale, and my room. I really hate being confined.

Firesong and Silverfox had put off their departure to allow the land time to dry out or so they said. I got the sense from them that they were waiting to see what would happen with me. Nosy busybodies that they are.

The tension grew and grew everyday. It was crushing me. Almost literally. I kept getting a tension knot in between my shoulder blades. Silverfox often got asked to work it out. I was sure I was wearing the poor guy out. Well, just never mind. My mind didn't need that little descent into the gutter.

Tun had become a conspirator who hid me whenever someone came looking for me. Luckily no one ever suspected him of anything or if they did, neither of us heard anything of it. I loved that old man. He was a kindly uncle that everyone loves and is so guileless that he's never suspected of anything.

One pleasant —pleasant being relative— thing happened during this waiting time. My weapons skills had improved to the point that Alberich had gifted me with a sword and scabbard. If you could call that a gift. Still, he deemed me good enough to carry a sharp pointy object. I was sort of flattered. I now carried them no matter where I went. The scabbard rested across my back, leaving my waist free. It looked corny. To me anyways.

However, it was great to not have that weight hanging on me around the waist. When I'd first gotten it we had tried it that way but Alberich had almost cracked a smile saying I walked crooked. I knew he was right but the way he said it had both me and the Guards present laughing. Mr. Personality cracked a joke. With a completely deadpan face. But still! A joke!

Now, I slogged across the grounds on my way toward the Royal Stables. Tun would be waiting for me to fix some of the saddles that always needed it. It was not the greatest of weather and my sour disposition reflected it. I finally made it to the Stables and knocked most of the mud off my boots. "Hey Tun, the rain let up but I think the grounds are going to stay a permanent swamp." I looked up and didn't see my friend. I wasn't worried at first. Tun often was in the back room gathering up the tack we were going to be going over that day. And if he wasn't there, he would be back shortly. I went to the back room and saw several saddles, bridles and girth straps set aside already.

The weather was slowly warming up and I knew Tun would like to soak in the warm sunshine —what there was of it. I saw a figure standing in the doorway of the tack room and made a bad assumption. "Hey Tun, wanna give me a hand? You set out more than usual. So where do you want to start? Saddles or bridles?"

"How about what the hell you're doing in the middle of every Future I've Seen?" I dropped the saddles in shock. The man in the doorway stepped in a bit more, coming out of the shadows. I didn't know him although he wore Whites. I backed up, cursing my lack of a sword. The one time I forget it! But I didn't feel that I needed it here on the grounds —stupid me. I backed up and looked around. Unfortunately, I knew from bad experience that the Stables back entrance was nonexistent. I really had no way to escape from him. Still I kept backing away, wondering exactly what he wanted.

—Get your mind out of the gutter. He was a Herald. He'd take no for an answer.—

He followed me into the Stables, backing me into a corner. I bumped into a wall and stood there staring at him, not knowing what he wanted. I barely kept myself on my feet. Years of dealing with older brothers —all of whom were taller, stronger and, well, larger than me— finally came to my rescue. "What the hell do you want?" I barked at him, keeping the tremors out of my voice only barely.

"I want an explanation as I said." He said, advancing on me. Now I had to hold my ground. The wall was at my back and there was no where left to go. "Why does all of it revolve around you?" He stepped forward again, trying to use his size against me.

There he made a slight miscalculation. He may have outweighed me by a good hundred pounds and probably could grind me into pulp if he wanted to. However, all of my brothers had been as large as he was if not larger and I could stare any of them down at any given moment. I had learned it from dear old mama. She had never been bigger than a second and Daddy was a great hulking brute of a teddy bear —why yes, we were Southern. How could you tell?— (All my brothers had taken after him and I had taken after her.)

I stood there and crossed my arms, most of my fear dissolving away as I just thought of him as one of my older brothers.

—Granted he was a lot better looking than any of my brothers. But that may have been little sister prejudices talking.—

"Why should I tell you even if I knew?" I asked back. I began advancing on him. He began backing up. I think it was unconsciously. "All of you seem to think I have some idea of what is going on. Well, I don't! I have no idea what you're Seeing! So how can I know why I'm in the middle of it?"

He was now backed up to the point where I could see the outside of the Stables. There was no one in sight yet, but if I raised my voice enough I knew I could get someone to come running. "You're in it," he yelled back. Alright, maybe he'd bring someone running.

He pointed a finger at me. Around us the horses started shifting nervously. A few kicked the sides of their stalls. "Everything revolves around you! No matter what happens I See you! Up until a week ago, I barely knew who you were! Still I Saw you. Floods, fires, rockslides, all of it pointing back to you! Now why don't you tell me why?" A horse neighed a little wildly but I barely registered it, being caught up in my anger.

"How can I know any of it!" I raged back. "I'm not from Valdemar! I'm not from this planet! Where I live I wasn't anything more important than a nanny for children! I got stuck here! Now you're raging at me because of something you Saw! You want to know what I Saw!" Although he may have thought of it as ForeSight I knew it was only my nightmares. My fears preyed on me in my dreams. "I Saw me dead, a thousand different ways! So you worry about your precious Valdemar, Herald, and leave me to live my life what little may be left of it!"

I raced past him not caring what he did to me at that point. I ran all the way back to my rooms, locking the door behind me. I heard several people yelling at me. I ignored them. When someone came pounding on my door, I ignored it. Curling up in a chair, I stared at the small fire that burned in the fireplace. Tears rolled down my cheeks, completely ignored in my misery.

How could he do that? Didn't he know that I had no idea what was going on? I was a simple nanny. A want-to-be-writer. A flake. That was it. How was I supposed to know why he saw such destruction around me?

It was time to go. I didn't know whether my heart or my hard head —or my cowardice— was telling me but I knew it was right. I gathered up what I had, including some money that I'd made selling a few of my carvings. I ripped off my clothes and changed into my traveling leathers. It was good thing they'd been delivered the week before. With luck, I could sneak out of the Palace and into Haven. Then I'd leave the city and be down the road. Come nightfall, I could be long gone.

—I've mentioned before about my luck right?—

I had almost everything packed when a roar and a thud came from my sitting room. Drawing my sword, I crept up to the bedroom door in time to have it yanked open. Firesong stood there, looking madder than a wet Firebird. Behind him were Silverfox, Elspeth and Darkwind. None of them looked very happy.

My door lay on the floor of the sitting room. Somewhere along the line, I'd forgotten that Firesong actually was a powerful Adept. This goes back to the flake part.

I held my sword up, uncaring just who I was holding it on. "NO!" I screamed at them. "None of you get it! I'm leaving. Now get out of the way before anyone gets hurt!" I grabbed up my bags and held the sword out in front, tears streaming down my face. "I c-c-can't st-st-stay. Not now." I hated the fear and stutter I heard in my voice. "L-l-let me go!"

Then, I don't know what happened. I doubt anyone in that room expected what I did next. But it was just too much. I'd spent more than half a year here. My family, my life, everything had been ripped away from me. To them this was their life. To me, it was real and yet I was not supposed to be here. I wasn't supposed to be in Valdemar. Earth, America they were my home. I collapsed.

My sword clattered to the floor as I slid to the ground with a groan. It was too much. Didn't they understand? No, they didn't. They all had assumed that I had adjusted to being here but it had all been a facade. I had been playacting. Now, when time was coming to claim me, I was too overwhelmed to continue.

I didn't hit the ground; Silverfox caught me before that could happen. He tried to place me on my bed shooing the others out but I pushed away from him and tried to run. Elspeth and Firesong caught me before I could shove my way through the door. I fought them tooth and nail, screaming and kicking for them to let me go. They, of course, didn't. My voice yelled for all of my brothers by name, sobbing for my mother so far away...

I'll state here that I was thoroughly embarrassed by my actions. They treated me like nothing but a spoiled brat. Something Elspeth has experience at, but it was still mortifying.-

I couldn't tell how much time had passed, when I finally became aware of my surroundings again. Unfortunately, those surroundings were not the ones I'd hoped they were. I was still in Valdemar. In my room. I was on my bed, stripped of my leathers and my knife. I was wearing my nightclothes, under many covers. My eyes were gritty and sore. More tears welled as I thought of it all. My life, my family all gone. I was never to return to them. I must have made some noise because out of the shadows beside my bed came Silverfox, dressed in muted robes of silver and green. "Shh, ke'chara. It's alright now." He sat on the bed next to me and pulled me into his arms. I buried my face in his chest and began to sob once more. "Sweet Sarana. You should have cried long before now."

I just continued crying for however long my tears held out. Silverfox's robes became soaked with my tears. Behind me, I heard the doors of my bedroom open and close softly. I didn't care. In fact, the entire Palace could have tumbled down at that moment and I wouldn't have cared at all. My life was over and there was nothing left for me.

Soon, though, much sooner than I thought possible, the storm ended and all that was left was me with my head buried in Silverfox's chest and a very runny nose. I eased away from Silverfox and he gently handed me a handkerchief. After blowing my nose and using the damp washcloth he handed me to wipe my face, I felt drained. All emotion had been wrung out of me. There was nothing left. Silverfox was right; I should have done this long ago.

When I seemed to have quieted and I had had some of the wine he handed me, he came back and sat next to me once more, pulling me to lie in his arms so that I lay against his chest. I felt safe there and snuggled closer to be more comfortable. As my head lay against his chest, I could hear the steady rhythm of his heart. That steady thump soothed me as nothing else could. It reminded me of being a child and having a nightmare and either one of my brothers or my father coming in to comfort me and staying the rest of the night. It felt good to revert to those feelings again. Those were the times I had been safe and nothing in any world could hurt me.

"Are you ready to talk?" He asked softly. His voice reverberated in his chest, soothing me even more. I only nodded, not willing to try my voice just then. "What can you tell me of your family?"

That question started more tears but also the words. I told him a lot that I remembered and some I thought I had forgotten. He chuckled at times, hearing of my pranks on my brothers' various loves. His stroking hands comforted me as I told him of my father's death when I was in high school. He was quiet for the most part, asking questions that usually brought to mind something else entirely.

By the time I began to yawn through my remembrances, healing had begun.