Disclaimer: Everything Velgarth/Valdemar related is the property of Mercedes Lackey.
A/N: Cat McD enjoys reviews. She really does. However, adding the words "about time" or "why is it taking you so long?" or anything to that effect makes Cat McD perverse. What that means is that those words make her step away from "I'm Where!", dump it into a folder and not touch it for a month or more. You want this written faster? Great! Cat has dishes that need done, laundry piling up and kids that need watched. Volunteers? (Note: Volunteering for this simply means Cat MCD will proceed to do as she pleases anyways and will probably bury this in a random folder somewhere anyways.)
Chapter 11 Apologising Good byes
Several days later, I stood with my arms wrapped around me, staring out the window. A knock came on my outside door but I ignored it. Firesong and Silverfox had practically moved into my sitting room so I knew they would get it. It really was sweet of them to do it. Especially since I'm sure it curbed their retirement.
—The phrase "like rabbits" never fitted a couple more. Still, they deserved it. And they were quite willing to not make others uncomfortable (for example: me) with it.—
While I had been wrapped in my misery, the grounds had finally dried out and everyone was enjoying the warming weather. Everyone except me. I couldn't go out there. Frankly, I wasn't sure that that ForeSeer wasn't waiting for me. Or anyone else for that matter.
My bedroom door opened and I still ignored it watching the nobility promenading in the garden below. I envied them, their sense of place. I still didn't know where I belonged and I missed that sense of security. Hells. I missed my life. All of it. Even the pranks my brother inevitably pulled on me when we got together. I wanted so much to just go home and forget any of this had ever happened.
In fact the only sanity I had right now was due to Silverfox. Firesong had tried but, frankly, when I had been so vulnerable at first, he had scared me. Silverfox's calming, soothing presence was always there. I had begun to change my view of him slightly over these past few days. I had finally gotten past my drool fascination with him and begun to think of him as more my older brother than anything.
Granted, he was an older brother who didn't try to pour freezing cold water on me in the morning, nor did he put bugs on my plate. Yes, my brothers still did things like that. And the three eldest were married. I despaired for their children.
Although he was still drool worthy, I just couldn't bring myself to think of him that way any longer. I still drooled privately over Firesong, but now there was easiness between the three of us that I had been faking that had become truth. The two of them were now almost my family here.
A throat was cleared behind me but I still didn't move. "I know ye be hurtin' girl but would ye at least look at me when I apologise?" Tun's rough voice broke my resistance and I turned to face him. Wait had he said apologise? "I didna know what he was goin' to say to ye. Honest I didna." I kept my mouth shut. He sounded so… distraught. "If I had thought he would hurt ye, I woulda told him to leave. But Kelath be a good lad, and one to come see an old groom of an afternoon." Like I wasn't? I didn't say it out loud. He sighed and mashed the hat that he held in his hands a bit more.
I couldn't say anything right now and just wanted him to say his piece and leave. I really was not fit company for anyone.
—Silverfox stayed near to help me through the remainder of my nightmares that still were plaguing me. Firesong stayed near as well. I didn't know whether it was concern for me or because of his lover and didn't really care. He could be and was a terribly sweet man. Yes, him I still harboured a crush for.—
"I'm sorry he hurt ye girl." He sighed and smashed the hat down on his head. "I'll be returnin' to me work now. Ye're still welcome to come and see me, if ye're of a mind to." Tun's face had fallen and he turned to leave. He reminded me of a kicked puppy dog. A very tiny, pathetic, underfed puppy. I hate being made to feel guilty.
"Tun," I said quietly. I didn't want him to think that any of this had been his fault or that I blamed him for any of it. Because I didn't. Well, at least not after hearing him out.
He turned back to look at me. "None of this was your fault my friend." I said softly. He turned to look at me. "I missed too much: my life, my family, my friends. I had thought I had come to terms with being here. I was wrong." I turned to stare out the window again. Below me, brightly covered nobles walked through the gardens. There were couples, several giggling groups of girls making calf eyes at the posturing young noble men. Here and there I saw a couple sneak off into the private bowers. "I would be honoured to still call you friend and work at your side." I concluded, turning back to him. He had taken his hat off again to wring it in his hands. I liked the old man. And hurting him, just was wrong. He had been trying to help out a friend.
—I might not have done the same, but his heart was too big for me to stomp on it. I'm really a softy. Sue me.—
I walked over slowly and took the abused hat from his hands. After shaking it out into some semblance of its former shape, I gave it back. "Thank you, Tun. You are a wonderful man." I kissed his whiskered cheek and was surprised to see him blush slightly. I chuckled a bit —my first in far too long— to see him so flustered. "You can't tell me that I'm the first girl to kiss you." I teased slightly, feeling better than I had in days.
"Ye're not the first, lass, but ye're the prettiest in a long time." Now it was my turn to blush and his turn to chuckle. "I'll be looking for ye at the Stables soon, lass. There be tack to repair." I saluted him smartly and smiled as he left me.
Seeing Tun had done me more good then probably anyone except Silverfox and an Empath could detect. I had missed Tun and hadn't realized it. He hadn't needed to ask for forgiveness though. I never would have blamed him for the actions of another.
—Well, not completely. I mean he had left me to the mercy of that nasty ForeSeer. That much I could blame him for. Sort of. Have I mentioned I'm a softy?—
So, Kelath was the name of the Herald who had attacked me. I had not asked anyone what his name was, not really sure that I wanted to know. I didn't know whether he had been expressing his own views or those of all the ForeSeers. I sighed and leaned my weary head against the window pane.
Now that I had a name, my mind had gone immediately to all the little petty revenges, embarrassing situations and nasty little vindictive things I could do to him. But I wasn't. I was a mature adult who was going to just turn the other cheek. No matter how much I wanted to glue him to a chair somewhere.
I was getting tired again. According to Firesong, I slept far too much. Which, really, was probably true. However, I ignored him. I slept when I was tired. Now matter how often it was.
I yawned punctuating that point. Silverfox walked into the room, quietly, without knocking. Then again. Why should he? Nothing exciting going on in here. "Will you be joining us for dinner?" He asked softly, seeing me standing at the window. He had been trying today to get me out of my room and I steadfastly refused. It was the first day I'd been dressed and that was only because Firesong had threatened to create a lake in my bed if I didn't at least get out of it.
Adept mages can get down right mean when they want you to do something. Especially when you argue with their lover for over an hour about something and they get tired of it.
I shook my head and he sighed. "You cannot hide in here forever, Sarana." —Want to bet?— He said sadly. He came up behind me and wrapped me in his arms. I leaned back against him with a sigh of contentment. "You must rejoin the world sometime."
I shook my head, just not ready to see anyone just yet. Silverfox was safe. I knew he'd tell no one what went on in here. No matter what was said or done it never went beyond my door unless I took it there. I would never do that. It bothered me that anyone had seen me as vulnerable as they had a few days before. "I'm not ready yet, Silverfox." I whispered. I yawned again and covered my mouth with my hand. "I'm too tired tonight."
I felt him sigh against my back but not press me into anything. He gave me a gentle hug then let go of me. He turned leaving me staring out the window. "I'll bring dinner in to you then, later." I just nodded and turned back to the window, not caring that he sighed again as he let himself out. I stripped out of my clothes, and threw them onto the chair. Lying down, I let go of the real word and fell into dreams.
• • •
Have you ever had dreams and had them nag at you even though you were then awake? I mean, just the insistent "you should remember what happened" in the back of your mind that never goes away? Annoying isn't it?
When I startled awake —you know the kind: one moment you're asleep, the next you are wide awake and ready to run a marathon— the sun was just setting, giving my room a sort of blood red glow. Not comforting, especially since I couldn't remember what my dream had been except it involved blood. My blood to be specific. I like it inside my body, thank you.
I could hear Silverfox and Firesong in the outer room. Their voices were a gentle murmur as I tried to figure out what had happened. What had thrown me out of sleep so quickly? Of course there was no one to answer me.
Sighing, I climbed out of bed and put my clothing back on. I bit my lip trying to decide. I was beginning to actually miss eating with someone beyond me for company. And Firesong and Silverfox were just outside the door.
—Procrastination is simple when you've just come off of a mental breakdown. Then again, I find procrastination simple anytime.—
Shaking myself, I cautiously opened the door. Firesong, in all his unmasked glory was picking at a plate on the table in front of him. Silverfox's back was to me. Aya was on his perch, watching the two eat avidly. Probably waiting for whatever titbits the guys would pass his way. Right on cue, Firesong passed over something small that Aya snapped up with relish.
"He's getting fat." I said, stepping out of my bedroom.
Both men looked at me startled. Thankfully, they didn't say anything. Silverfox just fixed a plate for me and motioned to a seat. I slid into it with a weak smile.
Firesong gave me a steady look. "Aya will never get fat. He is the epitome of health. Much like his bondmate."
—Firesong wasn't conceited at all. Still, he was so damned cute when he said things like that. Like smart-aleck prepubescent cute. He'd turn me into a toad if he knew I thought that.—
I, wisely, refrained from comment about that. Instead, I began picking at my plate. It seemed to be the thing to do since both of them were doing it. In fact, watching them, they seemed to be casting furtive looks at me, and not paying attention to the food they were pushing around.
I ducked to study my plate. They were glancing at me with the same furtive looks I'd noticed from several others, before I'd collapsed. What was going on? "Is… is something wrong?" I managed to whisper. Glancing up, I caught the look exchanged between the two of them. Something was up.
Firesong cleared his throat. "Sarana, we… No, I feel the need to get back to the Vales. With the weather clearing, and Gating no longer possible…" He let it trail off, but I could finish it for myself.
Blinking in shock seemed to be the order of the moment. Back to the Vales? Wow. I'd never even thought of them going back. I'd just blithely assumed they'd be staying here. Self centred? Yep.
"I see." I said, softly. And I did. Didn't mean I had to like it. Pouting? Yes, I was. "When do you leave?" I asked, looking at them.
Now it was their turn to blink in shock.
—I wasn't that self-centred was I? Don't answer that. No, really, don't.—
Silverfox cleared his throat. "We want to be gone within the week." I nodded. The faster the better. Good travelling weather would be essential.
"Alright," I frowned at my meal. Still pushing it around, a small plan began to form in my mind. "Would it be possible for me to go with you the first day?" Again with the blinking in shock. "Just the first day. I thought maybe I could get out of Haven a bit." I smiled crookedly. "I'd even ride a talking white pony so that they'd know exactly where I was."
Silverfox smiled slowly. "I think that would be just fine."
I returned the smile, looking at Firesong. He wasn't objecting. Of course, he wasn't jumping up and down with joy at the idea, either.
—Feel free to giggle at that mental image. Gods know right then I was trying not to fall over laughing.—
"It would, indeed, be good for you." He said, taking on the Healer tone he slipped into every now and again. "You need sun, and a bit of exercise. Frankly, I still think you need to get rid of those awful black clothes. You look like a ghost."
I groaned. It seemed Firesong had decided I was quite well enough to start the clothing harangue again. That was a double bladed knife. As he warmed to the subject, I decided it was a bladed club. Which makes no sense at all, but it seemed to fit.
"So!" I said cutting across him going on about clothing. "I'll follow you for a day?" I held up my left hand, right hand over my heart. "I solemnly swear to come straight back to Haven as fast as whichever horse, or Companion, can carry me."
Firesong nodded. Good, that was decided. A knock at the door startled us out of our talking about the road and which one we would take.
Silverfox went to get it and took the note from the servant. He brought it over to me and I saw that it bore the Royal Seal. So, it was Official. Which can be good or Bad. Trust me, it deserves the capital letter.
The servant was waiting for a reply, so I read it quickly. I was being Summoned. As in Royally Summoned. Immediately. Well, dinner wasn't getting eaten anyways. "Please tell her Majesty I will gladly attend her forthwith."
—Look! Coherency! And politeness! Don't get used to it. It won't last. It never does.—
I nodded in dismissal to the servant and went to get dressed, while Silverfox and Firesong did the same. Seemed they were going with me. I certainly wasn't going to complain! What the hell did Selenay want?