Title: What it Means to Be

Author: Sparklehunter

Warnings: Light shounen-ai, angst

Summary: Tsunade's reconciling what she did to Iruka, Iruka's reconciling his entire life, and Naruto's reconciling his skills as a ninja.

Part: Only I, 3/4

Author's Note: Please review. I'm getting nervous that the only one reading is Chibi-akuma-no-kage-sama, and discouraged enough to send her the rest and forget about it here. I don't want to beg (or threaten) for reviews, but I'm getting scared. Please?

Author's Note II: seven point five in a series of snapshots about the aftermath of an almost-death. Sequel to Betrayal/Die Alone.

What it Means to Be

Only I

by sparklehunter

"This is something only I can do," says Iruka.

It isn't a time for smiles, so Iruka looks at her impassively. It isn't a time for tears, so Hokage looks back sternly. It is a time for action, or maybe that's just the assassin in them coming out. Iruka's eyes have a focus Hokage hasn't seen in months. Hokage's eyes have a hope Iruka had seen die the hour before.

Still, she tries to talk him out of it.

"Iruka, you're paralyzed. You can't walk."

"And they won't suspect me."

"You're still recovering from the surgeries!"

"There's hot springs there reputed for its healing powers. It strengthens my story."

"You still need to relearn what your body can handle!"

"I won't need to, not for this. You could say it would be a waste of time."

He smiles at her, just a slight upturning of the corners of his mouth, and his eyes bleed the irony of the situation. The doubt is gone from his eyes, his posture. Iruka's never been the most patient of men, never been able to wait quietly for life to meander along. He always dives straight into situations, goes ahead with an impulsiveness Naruto himself would envy. Time has taught him how to plan, but not how to wait for those plans to ferment. At least, not how to wait gracefully for his plans to ferment. Kakashi and Iruka are similar in that regard.

"This is something only I can do," says Iruka.

"Iruka – "

"We need Naruto. He's a symbol in the village. We set him up as a symbol, Hokage, you and Kakashi and I. We've driven him to become the best, so he can achieve his dream, and even if he's –"

"Iruka, I can't –" Hokage says.

"– Even if he's the slowest bastard in the world when it comes to learning lessons, he's still learned those lessons better than any other student. We need him back. Hell, he'll come back as a hero, because he's Naruto." Iruka leaned forward in his wheelchair. Hokage admired the spitfire determination in his eyes.

"Iruka, we're talking exchanging you for him!"

"Well, they certainly won't fall for a bundle of sticks, not for the amount of time it will take to get Naruto out of there."

"And how the hell do you plan to get there?"

"Intelligence said that there's a town just outside the prison. I'll move in, travel by summons, play the disillusioned paralyzed ex-Shinobi. I think I'll be good at it." Iruka smiles, and the smile is cynical. "We need Naruto more than we need me, Hokage. Besides weren't you asking me what I had done for the village a couple of hours ago?"

Dark eyes lock onto hers, and Hokage screams silent victory and loss. Victory, because Iruka is no longer stuck in a self-pitying slump. Loss, because it takes his own death to overcome that slump. She prefers a depressed Iruka to a dead one, and that is where Iruka is going to end up.

"Go undercover into the village, break into the prison, switch places with Naruto, and allow him enough time to escape – you think he'll go along with this, Iruka?"

Iruka gives her a grin. "Naruto understands that the good of the village may cost one person. He'll fight it, but he'll go."

They both understand that, and it hurts both of them. But hasn't she made the choice before? Iruka is expendable . . . and too impatient to wait to find another plan.

"This is something only I can do, Hokage. Don't let your personal feelings stop you from saving Konoha," says Iruka.

TBC.