Chapter 10
Reality seemed to settle in as Elizabeth cut in to an older man and began working her surgical magic on him. The hospital reminded Elizabeth so much of Mark and she felt guilty for what Susan and she had shared the night before. She suddenly felt like avoiding her, afraid of what seeing her would do. However in the middle of surgery Elizabeth got a phone call she couldn't avoid.
"Its dad, he's sick." Rachel was crying on the other end.
Oh God, it was almost time. Elizabeth told Rachel to not worry about it; she was on her way. Elizabeth was going to Hawaii, she knew she had to. Robert allowed her to leave the surgery she had been working on and Elizabeth went down to the ER, absentmindedly really. She walked around for awhile until she spotted Susan finishing up with a patient.
Kerry happened to walk by. "Hey Elizabeth can you come look at this patient."
"Not now, Kerry." Elizabeth muttered under her breath, her eyes focused intently on Susan.
Kerry followed her gaze and found Susan at the end of it. She frowned, rather confused as to what was going on, but then moved on to find another surgeon.
When Susan was done with the patient she turned and upon spotting Elizabeth staring at her she smiled and began walking towards her. Once she got to her, however, Elizabeth grabbed her arm and pulled her in to the supply closet. "What's wrong?" Susan asked, stroking Elizabeth's cheek.
Elizabeth fell for Susan's touch, she needed her. She couldn't avoid her. "It's Mark." Elizabeth looked down.
"Oh," Susan wrapped an arm around Elizabeth, looking motherly concerned.
"He's getting worse and I'm afraid I'm going to have to go to him." Elizabeth fought back the tears.
Susan wished she could do something, but she couldn't offer to take Ella, because Ella would most likely go with Elizabeth to see her father for the last time, and she couldn't really go with Elizabeth, as much as she wanted to, it would just be too awkward. This was more of a family moment, one in which she was not a part of.
"Shh." Susan held Elizabeth to her, letting her cry on her shoulder, rocking her back and fourth. Elizabeth turned to Susan, capturing her lips in her own. She loved the softness of Susan's lips, the way they felt.
"I wish you could…"
"I know, but I'll be here when you get back." Susan assured her, knowing that when she did get back their "relationship" would be different.
They kissed again and then Elizabeth pulled away. "I have to go get Ella. I'll call you. I will. I need you." Elizabeth couldn't pull herself away from Susan.
"Okay." Susan nodded, figuring she wouldn't hear from Elizabeth and also knowing Elizabeth only thought she needed her, but in fact she did not. She needed Mark. After kissing one last time, Elizabeth left. Susan stayed in the supply room, leaning against the wall. Her hands sunk down into her pockets and she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. The tears began slipping through her eyelids, running down her cheeks.
She heard the door to the supply closet open and turned away, wiping frantically at her tears. "Susan?" Oh God, it was Abby. Damn.
"Yes." Susan nodded without turning around, but Abby knew something was up. She moved around Susan so that they were facing and looked at her. She knew she had been crying, and probably still was.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Abby asked, placing a reassuring hand on Susan's arm.
Susan shook her head no.
"Do you want to go get some fresh air?" Abby suggested.
Susan shook her head yes.
"Okay, come on." Abby wrapped an arm around Susan and the two began walking through the hospital, avoiding as many people as possible. They went up a staircase and up on to the ruff top. Abby pulled out a cigarette and lit it, leaning against the side of the building. Susan watched as she took a drag on the cigarette and then reached out, taking it from her. After a nice long inhalation and exhalation she felt a bit more relaxed. She had forgotten how nice it was to smoke, although she knew it was very bad for her.
Abby lit another cigarette and the two stood, smoking, and looking at the great Chicago view.
"It's not what you think." Susan whispered.
"I know." Abby nodded, exhaling a cloud of smoke which dissolved in to the air above her head. She turned and leaned her back against the side of the wall, which protected them from falling twelve flights down to the ground, and studied Susan's face which looked sad, horrified, and confused. "Susan, I'm not going to judge you. Whether you're a lesbian or bisexual…it really doesn't matter to me."
Susan shrugged. "I know it doesn't."
"So what's wrong?" Abby prodded.
Susan exhaled a long stream of smoke and leaned forward a bit more. "Elizabeth left to go see Mark. He's dying."
Abby nodded. "You're afraid that's going to change your relationship?" Abby just seemed to know everything.
Susan stood up and looked at Abby, her brow furrowed in confusion. "Do you think that's selfish?"
"No, you obviously care about her and you want to help her, but somehow it became a bit more intimate and you like that." Abby soothed Susan's concern, smiling at her. Susan hesitated a moment, but then smiled back. "So…how intimate…"
"Abby…" Susan gave her a look.
"Sorry." Abby backed off, feeling like she had just over stepped a boundary, but Susan sighed and told her.
"We only kissed…a lot. And no, we haven't had sex. I wouldn't do that to her."
"But you would do it…" Abby egged her on.
"Abby!" Susan said, annoyed, yet a bit playful. Turning away from Abby, she stared at a building far off in the distance. Taking a drag on her cigarette, she nodded. "Yeah I would, if she felt the same way."
"I'll bet she calls you tonight." Abby tried to cheer Susan up.
"I'll bet she doesn't." Susan rolled her eyes, tapping the cigarette free of ashes and then folding her arms. "I bet she'll arrive in Hawaii, see Mark and never want to leave his side until he dies." God, how sad did that sound. Mark dying, it still didn't seem right.
"Have you thought of who she'll turn to when he does…die?" Abby couldn't quite grasp the whole situation either.
Susan stood still for a moment. She hadn't thought about the afterwards, she just figured his death would send her in to mourning and she wouldn't want to be with anyone. "Yes, I have. But if you lost your husband, wouldn't you not ever want to be with anyone…at least not for awhile?"
"I guess, but you could still just be there for her as a friend until she's ready." Abby suggested.
Susan hadn't thought about it. Maybe she could play Elizabeth's friend, it would still give her a chance to be with her, but without being being with her. And with women it was different, it wouldn't seem like Elizabeth was cheating. It would be different if Susan were a man, it would probably be harder for Elizabeth to come back to her then. But somehow Susan felt a little surer of how all of this would turn out. Just as she was about to agree with Abby she felt her beeper going off at her side. "Damn, I have to go." Looking up she smiled at Abby. "Thank you so much…and thanks for the smoke."
"Anytime." Abby smiled.
Susan began heading towards the doorway to the stairwell but then turned around. "How did you know…about me?"
Abby smiled. "I saw the way you and Elizabeth were exchanging glances, staring at one another. You catch on to these things." She shrugged, "and I kind of overheard you talking in the supply closet."
"Abby! I'm going to kill you." Susan, remembering the beeper in her hand, added, "but not right now."
"Oh thank goodness, she's going to spare me!" Abby laughed and Susan smiled as she darted through the door and back down to the ER to greet an incoming GSW.
Kim was busy assessing a patient when Susan finally pulled out trauma room 2 looking worn out from trying to regain a heart beat so they could take the boy, who was shot, up to the OR. She brushed her wrist across her forehead, wishing Elizabeth had been in there with her. She already missed having Elizabeth around. However, looking up she noticed Kim Legaspi standing in front of her with a clipboard pressed against her side as she wrote on it.
"Dr. Legaspi?" Susan frowned, hoping it was her.
"Dr. Lewis!" Kim cried, turning to face her. "Thank you for those pain killers, they really helped."
Susan smiled. "Well I'm glad…call me Susan."
"Call me Kim." Kim grinned and they began walking down the hall.
"So you're working here."
"Yeah, Kerry talked to Robert and he rehired me. It's not what I had in mind, but it's better than no job." Kim shrugged.
"Well you know what they say, you can never leave County. Look at me! I came back." Susan laughed.
"So I hear." Kim nodded and smiled as they reached the Doctor's Lounge.
"So you're doing better. There's no problem with anything?" Susan studied her before entering the Lounge.
"I'm fine. I just take a few pills if the pain starts, but frankly it hasn't been hurting me that much." Kim's smile widened. She had a charming smile.
"That's good." Susan smiled back. What was this? School girl flirting? Yes, she found Kim attractive, but for one she needed Elizabeth, and for two Kim was taken. Kerry would be pissed if Susan took Kim from her, too. She laughed at the silliness of even thinking she stood a chance with Kim.
"What are you thinking about?" Kim eyed her.
"Nothing." Susan grinned. "Coffee?" She pushed open the lounge door and stepped in, both finding Kerry hunched over the table, paper spread out in front of her and the telephone pressed against her ear.
"No! I don't think that would be a smart decision. You should wait until next years…yes, I do have them, but I don't…" Susan and Kim exchanged glances and then headed in, staying as quiet as possible until Kerry was off the phone. Susan went to the coffee pot and began pouring three cups of coffee, asking Kim what she wanted in hers by gesturing with her hands. Kim sat down by Kerry and stroked her cheek. Susan noticed this motion and suddenly felt envious. Elizabeth was, by now, so far away. Susan wanted to be with her, to touch her the way Kim could touch Kerry whenever she wanted.
Bringing the mugs over to the table, she passed one to each and then leaned back, sipping her coffee and trying not to notice Kim and Kerry's hands intertwined.
Once Kerry hung up the phone she took a deep breath. "Damn them all." She looked mad, but a suppressed anger, for she then turned to Kim and they kissed. Susan felt a fluttering in her stomach and a longing in her arms, her lips to hold, to touch, to kiss Elizabeth again. "How are you holding up, honey?" Kerry asked.
"Good, but like I was telling Susan, it hasn't been bothering me." Kim smiled.
"Well good." Kerry turned to Susan. "You look tired."
"I am. We just spent nearly two hours trying to stabilize a GSW victim to get him up to the OR, where he will probably die." Susan said optimistically.
"Oh, don't be such a pessimist." Kerry shook her head, a smile present. "So where did Elizabeth run off to?" Kerry asked, knowing Susan would probably know.
But Susan seemed to get a little touchy when Kerry brought Elizabeth up. She looked down at her lap and took a deep breath. "She left to go be with Mark."
There was a moment of silence before anyone spoke.
"Is it already time?" Kerry sounded sad.
Susan could only nod, the tears threatening her eyes once again. Kerry reached out and took Susan's hand in her own.
"I know you were close to him." Kerry whispered. "Do you want to go home? Take the rest of the day off?" She asked.
To think about going home to an empty apartment, with some of Elizabeth's things probably still there, was not a welcoming idea for Susan. She shook her head. "I think it would be better if I stayed here."
"You're sure?" Kerry looked at her and she nodded.
"Hey, Susan, if you need to talk I'm here too." Kim added in.
"Thanks." Susan tried for a smile, surprised at how loving Kerry could be and how sweet Kim was. And they made a lovely couple.
Kerry squeezed Susan's hand and then let go of it. "I'd better finish up these phone calls."
"Okay, my coffee's disappeared and I need to catch up on some patients." Susan shrugged, pushing back her chair and standing up. She took the mug to the sink and sat it in the corner after washing it out. She heard Kerry and Kim kiss again and then some whispered sentences ensued and Susan felt like she was intruding. She was so jealous.
"I'd better go too." Kim's voice was filled with laughter from something Kerry had said. She got up and the two could hardly part, their hands staying together as Kim walked away, hands coming slowly apart, reminding Susan of the night before with Elizabeth. She had to get out of this room. She hated how perfect their relationship was! Why couldn't she find someone less complicated? But she knew she couldn't get her thoughts off of Elizabeth even if she wanted to so finding someone else was out of the question.
Susan slipped out of the door in front of Kim and went to follow up on a patient. After another few hours Susan was off. She was too worn down to take on a night shift so her only option was to go home, all though she didn't want to. On her way there she bought a pack of cigarettes. That one with Abby had seemed to get her hooked again, which wasn't a great thing, but she felt comforted with a cigarette between her fingers as she lay alone in bed, longing for Elizabeth to be there. She drifted off in to sleep after her fourth cigarette. She was so tired, but her body longed to be next to Elizabeth's. She had forgotten what it was like to be with someone, she hadn't been dating for a really long time. And now after spending that last night, wrapped up in Elizabeth's arms, her body pressed to her own, she missed that contact. She needed it. But despite this need, Susan drifted off in to sleep. It was late, about 11:00. She'd given up hope that Elizabeth would call. Slightly forgetting that there was a time difference between Chicago and Hawaii…
1:00 am...
The phone began to ring. It rang and rang but Susan didn't want to answer. She was too sleepy. She was finally getting a full nights sleep. But upon remembering she had been waiting for a phone call she reached out to the nightstand and grabbed the phone, turning over on to her back and pressing TALK. "Hello?" Her voice was hoarse and tired.
"Susan?"
She couldn't believe it. The voice on the other end instantly awakened her. "Elizabeth? Are you there already?" Susan asked, figuring she was calling because she hadn't gotten there yet. She probably hadn't seen Mark and figured out her feelings for Susan were false.
"Yes, I got here hours ago." Elizabeth sounded exhausted.
"Oh." Susan seemed a bit surprised that Elizabeth was still calling then. Hadn't she realized she didn't care for Susan? "How is he?" Susan finally asked, pushing herself up and turning on the bedside lamp, pulling a cigarette out of the pack. That damn nicotine really hooked you.
"Sick." Elizabeth sighed.
Susan nodded and flicked the lighter, a spark flickering at the end of it. She held it to the cigarette which she had placed in her mouth and it caught. Laying the lighter down, she exhaled. "How are you?"
"Worn down and Ella has an earache from flying." Elizabeth sounded tired.
"Oh, poor Ella." Susan frowned.
"Yeah, I finally got her to sleep. Everyone's asleep, I just couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about you and then feeling guilty, and then not because Mark is just depressing." Elizabeth seemed conflicted.
Susan inwardly smiled, to hear Elizabeth say that she was thinking about her made her more sure of their "relationship". "Well try not to lose any sleep over me. You should focus on Mark." Susan forced herself to say, knowing she didn't sound convincing at all.
"I should, but I can't." Elizabeth admitted.
Susan paused, inhaling then exhaling smoke. "To tell you the truth, after you left today I lost it." She studied the cigarette in her hands. "I can't stop thinking about you either."
"You know I should feel bad about this." Elizabeth spoke after a moment of what Susan liked to hope was positive silence. Her voice sounded relieved, maybe she was even smiling on the other end.
"No, don't feel bad." Susan shook her head, she didn't want Elizabeth to have to feel guilty, or bad, or sad, or wrong. She cared about her enough that she wanted her to feel a bit more positive and supportive of her dying husband. "Maybe we should put 'us' on hold so you can deal with Mark."
"You'd do that for me?" Elizabeth seemed surprised by how supportive Susan was being. For some reason she had expected Susan to be more persistent, wanting her to either be with her right then or never talk to her again. But that's not how it went with women. Women always seemed more lenient.
"Of course I would, Liz." Susan tapped her cigarette on an ashtray.
To hear her say Liz made Elizabeth's skin crawl. She ached to be with her just in that moment. "Thank you Susan." Elizabeth was ever grateful.
"No problem."
"Don't hang up." Elizabeth said quickly, not wanting to lose this connection with Susan.
"I won't." Susan smiled, cradling the phone between her ear and her shoulder.
"Talk to me." Elizabeth's grin was evident.
"About what?" Susan asked, butting her cigarette and turning on to her side.
Elizabeth adjusted herself on the couch, getting in a comfortable spot. "Anything."
"You don't want to hear my life story do you?" Susan laughed.
However Elizabeth seemed interested in her life. "Yes, I do."
Susan paused for a moment. "Well…I was born in a trailer park."
"No you weren't." Elizabeth laughed.
"Yes, I was." Susan protested. "For real. Anyway…………
TBC...so anyway...yeah maybe some more Kim/Kerry stuff next chapter? sorry guys.