Secrets and Lies
Chapter 12
Sam waited until Abby fell into a fitful sleep, the monitors still regular, and slipped away. She walked out the front doors into the crisp night air, sucking several large breaths hard into her lungs, to try and clear her head.
She had known. She had known a good two months before Abby, and it was only now she'd chosen to unburden herself. Her baby kicked viciously, as if to remind her it was there. She took a seat on the bench, rubbing her now aching back with one hand.
However, she still hadn't told Abby the full story, had she? She still hadn't been completely honest. She tilted her head back, tried to stop the tears she didn't deserve to cry from falling. The sky overhead was clear and navy, the stars crystal bright. Everything around her had clarity; the only thing confused was her own emotions.
Sam opened the door, still wiping sleep from her eyes, and peered into the half-darkness in the hallway. A petite, hunched figure stood there, dripping wet.
"Neela?"
She questioned quietly, not wanting to wake Luka or the kids. The figure looked up, caught her gaze. The resident looked devastated. Totally shattered.
"Can I talk to you? I know it's late…"
Sam ushered her in efficiently, taking in the red, bloodshot eyes, the fragile expression.
"Get yourself out of those wet clothes. I'll get you a towel and some dry clothes,"
She went into nurse and mother mode instantly, knowing the difference feeling warm and comfortable could make. She snatched an armful of towels from the laundry pile, along with a freshly ironed t-shirt and pyjama bottoms. She handed the garments to Neela, then settled herself on the couch and waited.
"I need your advice,"
Neela paused nervously, her voice tiny, fragile, approaching her slowly.
"I know you don't approve of what I've been doing,"
Neela folded her legs beneath her elegantly. Sam caught her gaze.
"It's not that…"
Neela cut across her protest, nodding knowingly. Sam knew she couldn't deny it. She didn't like the situation, but she could understand where Neela had gotten herself tied up in it. She knew what it was like to be controlled by emotions you couldn't explain.
"There's…there's a little more to it…"
Sam narrowed her eyes and regarded the other woman all the more intensely. Neela struggled under her gaze, disliking the scrutiny.
"I…I'm pregnant,"
A hand flew to cover Sam's mouth, finding it difficult to control her shock.
"Please tell me it isn't his…"
Sam pleaded futilely, her gut instinct tearing her in the other direction. Neela looked up at her, and the truth was there in her eyes. Despite herself, tears stung her own eyes at the very thought.
"Have you thought about what you're going to do?"
Sam asked instinctively. She knew the answer already, and her heart began to sink slowly.
"You mean, am I going to have it or not?"
"Yeah, I mean, no. Well, yes,"
She fumbled her words, not knowing if she could be that direct with the resident. She ducked her eyes, tried to rein in her thoughts.
"Sam? Look at me,"
Her head moved slowly upwards, suddenly heavy.
"There's no choice to make,"
The honesty was so brutal it stung.
"There is…Neela, there's always a choice,"
"Really? When you got pregnant with Alex, was there a choice then?"
Neela shot back. Sam paused, forced into a rare moment of introspection. She drew the answer out of herself slowly.
"No…no, I don't suppose there was. In my heart, I always knew…I knew my baby had to live,"
Sam admitted, remembering her own emotions when she'd discovered she was carrying Alex. She remembered the kick in the gut that had told her that she could never kill this child. She knew exactly how Neela felt.
"Then you already know how I feel,"
Neela affirmed solemnly. Sam couldn't help but feel all this would work out for the worse. That all of this would haunt them all. But then, this was another life they were now talking about. That changed things.
"You do understand the implications of this. I wouldn't give Alex back for a second, but he's not just my child and he never will be. Whatever the circumstances were, it still took two. You are forever tied to him this way,"
The way she was forever tied to Steve. She couldn't regret Alex, but she hated his father. She didn't want Neela to end up that way. She was too nice. Far too innocent to get twisted up the way she had been by her experience.
Bile burned at the back of her throat. How could she have kept that to herself for five years? She had tried not to let it affect her working life, but working with him…it became unbearable. They played at getting along for a while, but she drove him out eventually. She couldn't bear being around him.
Her own deception had shocked even her. But in time, she'd gotten on with life. She had fallen pregnant with Louisa, and gotten so tied up in baby fever that the whole mess was all but forgotten. Forgotten? No, she reasoned, merely buried. And now, it had resurfaced and she had to deal with it all over again.
She tipped her head forward again, sensing another presence in the ambulance bay. The figure was painfully familiar. She looked dumbstruck, like her world had just stopped. Sam swallowed hard, considered greeting the visitor, the stranger. But she didn't have to. Neela spotted her, and began to cross the asphalt towards her.