Author's Notes: Once again – I'll put a warning on this chapter that it does involve some cursing (you'll see why when you read on!)
Secrets and Lies
Chapter 19
And then it's all too real. She can't stop the tears, and she doesn't know why, but she doesn't want to. Her body curls in on itself, and she takes a seat on the sofa, knees buckling under the sheer strain.
Soon, her sleeves, her collar and the tops of her trousers are soaking, tears dripping from her face, coming faster than she can attempt to wipe them away. She isn't sure when the last time she cried this freely, this openly was. In fact, she isn't entirely sure she's ever cried this hard before. Crying is not a luxury she's had any time for in the last five years. She's been too busy bringing up Mina to spend any time thinking about herself.
But the argument…that just brought her part in this, her feelings back into sharp focus. It realigned her priorities, and for once, she allowed herself to think about her, without feeling guilty for abandoning Mina.
She cannot get the image of him storming away out of her head. His receding back, the tension in the line of his shoulders, the way he held himself. Now, she thinks she realises just how it feels to be walked away from. Now she knows how he felt when she walked away. And she doesn't like it.
Five years ago, she was his salvation. She was the cure. The whole world was falling apart around them, around him, so they held on to one another. And that was what mattered. It was real and it was raw and it lived and breathed in the here and now, and she lived for it. She lived for him.
Five years on, she's the problem. She's the cause. He is unbearably angry with her, and what's worse is, how can she blame him? How can she deny him the right to be angry? She should have known when she left that it was a temporary solution, a quick fix.
It is then she feels the warmth of another body next to her own, knee pressing lightly on hers. A scent filters through her interlaced fingers, soft, and distinctly female. Sam, she guessed, without looking up.
"Neela…?"
The nurse laid a gentle hand between her shoulder blades, the touch tender, comforting.
"What happened?"
"I don't know…"
The words came with difficulty, struggling for dominance over her ragged breathing. Sam sighed.
"He hates me, Sam,"
She said with a sudden clarity, pulling her head up and scrubbing furiously at her tears.
"He hates me, and I can't blame him,"
Sam could only shrug. Neela looked away, gaze focussed intently on a crack in the floor.
"Well, what do you want me to say, Neela? You knew this was going to happen,"
The nurse added matter of factly, the merest glimmer of sympathy clear in her tone.
"Not like this,"
Her voice cracked very slightly. That…that had been some twisted version of him. He hadn't been capable of that intensity of anger. But then, she'd never really pushed him that far.
"Where'd he go?"
Neela snapped her eyes back to Sam, scrutinising the nurse for her intentions.
"How'd you know…?"
"Where'd he go, Neela?"
Sam repeated insistently. Neela gestured towards the door.
"Said he needed to get some air,"
Sam nodded knowingly, her thoughts frustratingly unclear. Neela narrowed her eyes slightly, fearing Sam's intentions.
"I think it's about time father of the year 2011 and I had words."
Sam stated with great finality, pulling herself up from the couch with considerable difficulty, twinges in her back making it increasingly hard.
"Sam – don't -"
"Screw it, Neela, what's anyone got left to lose? He might as well know. In the spirit of honesty,"
The last word bit home, cold and sarcastic. Sam crossed her arms, regarded Neela evenly.
"He'll hate you too,"
"Then I guess he and I will be even,"
Sam answered flatly. The door swung back into place behind her. She propped her extra weight with hands placed on her hips, and walked out towards the ambulance bay.
The bay doors slid open with a pronounced swish. Sam's eyes caught on him immediately, and she made determined progress towards him. Her footsteps must have been heavier than she intended, because before she reached him, he snapped round to face her.
"I hope you're very proud of yourself,"
She opened bitterly, swallowing hard.
"Might have known that you would have something to say -" He returned, equally bitter. "Not at all like you to have an opinion on someone else's life, Sam,"
"Neela's in there crying her eyes out, and Abby's in there dying, and guess who's the common denominator?"
His eyes glittered, dark and angry. Sam didn't flinch. She was alight, determined, spoiling for a fight. A fight she sensed he was only too willing to give to her.
"What do you want, Sam? Really? Because I already know how you feel about - "
Sam cut across him.
"I knew about Mina,"
He only just managed to retain the bitter expression on his face, Sam noted. She stood her ground, unafraid. A woman of purpose, on a mission.
"What?"
"I knew she was pregnant when she left,"
His eyes widened, shock filtering through his veins.
"She told me, about three weeks before she left,"
Sam added – fully opening what had been until this point a carefully sealed can of worms – and waited for the explosion she knew would follow.
"You…you knew?"
The words almost choked him, it seemed. Sam shrugged.
"What the fuck? I worked with you for over a year afterwards and you never said anything!"
"And I'd have taken it to my grave, had events not intervened,"
She stated defiantly, working hard to reflect his anger right back at him.
"Oh how very noble of you, Sam - " He paused, snapped his eyes back to meet hers. "I bet you told her to get rid of it, right? After all – you know what it's like to end up with a brat you don't want, tied to some deadbeat dad because of a mistimed fuck,"
"Fuck you, Ray,"
Sam shot back, unable to contain her temper any longer.
"Just give me one damn good reason I didn't deserve to know? Tell me why you - " Fists clenched and unclenched by his side, as he purposely let the word hang for a moment " – you of all people, Sam, let me miss out on being in my child's life?"
"Loyalty, Ray. A word I doubt means much to you,"
The sharp edge of her tongue had fully kicked in now, and the anger that coursed through her was making her words drip with acid.
"Loyalty? Don't make me laugh, Sam!"
"She asked me not to tell you! I told her…I told her she'd regret it."
She had. She'd told Neela she'd forever be tied to him this way. That running away isn't always an option. His eyes told her he didn't believe her.
"Yeah, right. You expect me to believe that now?"
"I don't care what the fuck you believe, Ray, I really don't,"
Her words cut the air like a knife, left an empty, expectant silence between them. It was a long moment before he spoke again.
"So, whose idea was running away? Because that smacks of you, Sam, isn't it your answer to everything?"
The words were supposed to hurt. The barb was resentful, dripping with malice and fury. She barely flinched, holding her ground.
"That was all her. I had nothing to do with that,"
"But you knew where she was?"
"Yes,"
She returned simply. Another dead silence, in which she watched him intently. His gaze was aside, trying to gather his reserves for yet another attack. She rallied herself.
"I don't get you, Sam. I don't. You forgave her, you lied for her…what made what she did less wrong?"
"You were the fuck up! You were the one who screwed around on the one person who needed you most!"
The tone of her voice rose over the course of her tirade, almost reaching its peak when she had to break for breath.
"You couldn't be relied on, Ray. You'd fucked Abby over, why should any of us have thought you wouldn't turn around and do the exact same thing to Neela?"
Her rant reached its crescendo, echoing around them. He opened his mouth to speak, but she was quicker.
"It'd have been ok for a while, sure, but as soon as the going got tough, how did we…how did I know you wouldn't get bored with her too?"
She lowered her tone again, every word low and sarcastic instead. She crossed her arms across her bump, squared her shoulders.
"I sure as hell couldn't see her go through that."
Sam finished with a bitter flourish.
"That's what you think happened? I got bored! I backed out because the going got too tough?"
He merely glared at her, unrepentant in his anger.
"You think that little of me? I don't have any depth whatsoever in your opinion."
His voice changed – the tone abrasively derisive – but the passion, the anger was still omnipresent in his eyes.
"You're actually going to try and defend - "
He threw up a hand to stop her in her tracks. She ran a frustrated hand through her hair, sorely tempted to walk away.
"Yes, Sam, because I have a damn good defence."
Sam arched her eyebrows, waited for him to continue.
"Abby never told you, did she? No, right enough, I bet she didn't."
The laugh was mocking, cruel. Sam's eyes twitched, suddenly uncomfortable.
"Before Nature so conveniently did it for her, she was going to kill my child anyway. She never wanted that baby!"
She flinched - she couldn't help it. The pain in his expression was far too visceral even now to bear. Her heart jumped wildly, as she realised he had. He had wanted it.
"She pretended she did. We were making plans, the whole deal. Whole time she was making plans to have an abortion, behind my back. And I only found out by accident! By accident, Sam, can you even imagine how that felt?"
He was yelling by this point, hammering every word home to her, hoping to make her feel even half of what he'd felt. She tried not to give anything away, retaining her defiant stance.
"She was cold, distant, long before the miscarriage. She didn't need me, Sam, she didn't need anyone. Abby just loves to play the martyr, she always has,"
He laughed again, bitterly, recalling his previous conversation with Abby.
"Truth is, she pushed me away long before I finally jumped. I was only good for one thing, until that one thing got too damn complicated,"
Sam couldn't say anything. Paralysed, it seemed, by what? Fear? Guilt? She stared intently at his expression, the little half-smile that didn't match his eyes.
"See what you've done with half a story, Sam? You've fucked up! You've deprived me of 5 years of Mina's life!"
He paused, rant unfinished. Sam remained frozen.
"5 years! I can't get that time back! She's my little girl, and I don't know her."
He stopped, sighed heavily, and continued in a lower tone.
"So, thanks very much for that,"
His parting shot buried itself, as it was intended to, deep into her heart. He stormed off into the distance, left her standing there, dumbstruck and confused, and only clear on one thing. She needed to talk to Abby.