Disclaimer: I don't own the Titans, Mario, Batman, Who's Line is it Anyway, Goku, Gohan, or anything I'm forgeting here. I do however own Brismo and all ads. Read, Review, laugh, cry, or else.
A/N: I know this may not seem to have anything to do with the Titans at first, but it does. Well, it does after a few segments. And yeah they play a much bigger role in the fiture episodes.
I don't own the Titans, Mario, Batman, Who's Line is it Anyway, Goku, Gohan, or anything I'm forgeting here. I do however own Brismo and all ads. Read, Review, laugh, cry, or else.The John Pelley Show
The theme music of the John Pelley Show, "Revolution"by P.O.D., begins as John walks out onto the stage infront of the millions of John's fans dressed as Drew Carey.
John: Hello everyone and welcome to Who's Line Is It Anywa--(looks over at stage hand who is giving him the kill signal) What?(John's assistant runs onto the stage and wispers in John's ear)What? Ya mean this ISN'T Who's Line?(more wispering) Really?(more wispering still)Really? You sure?(again more wispering)Darn ABC! Telling me that I had a chance to replace Drew Carey. They will all feel my wra--waitasecond! (reading overhead sign)'The John Pelley Show' eh? I haven't been on this stage in a few months and those darn network executives know why!
Audience: WHY JOHN?
John: OhmyGod! People! They told me it would be a simulated audience!(pulls out tape recorder) Note to self: Imprison network executives in Tartarus like common Titans.(looking at audience) Now to answer your question, because the intern named Cathy forgot my Latte'.
(Making his first appearance in over five months)Brismo: John, I didn't know you liked Latte's man!
John: I don't, I just like ordering them to say they messed up my order so I can throw it back in their faces.(akward silence) Okay now on with the show!(Applause sign lights up behind John making him look extremely stupid) Hey why are you all claping?(looks back) An applause sign eh?(pulls out rocket launching shotgun) Die Scourge From the Beyond!(destroys the sign for no reason) We'll be right back!
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING MAY CONTAIN STUPIDITY AND IS A COMERCIAL WRITTEN BY JOHN PELLEY. WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK...HMMM ISN'T RISK A BOARD GAME...AND HOW CAN THEY WATCH THIS? MAN THERE REALLY ARE TOO MANY QUESTIONS THAT AREN'T ANSWERED ON TELEVISION...
Girl walks into a Pizza place that is obviously ran by the Mafia.
Girl: Can I have an authentic Italian Pizza?
Pizza-maker-dude: Sure-a. Me-a make-a you-a a-a authentic-a Italian-a Pizza-a.
The man begins to make the pizza...Two hours later.
Girl: Sir may I have my pizza now?
Pizza-maker-dude: What-a pizza-a?
Girl: The pizza I ordered two hours ago!
Pizza-maker-dude: There-a is-a no-a pizza-a! For-a you-a to-a even-a ask-a such-a a-a question-a could-a get-a you-a waked-a!(pulls tommy gun out of pizza box and guns the girl down.) Now-a to-a eat-a that-a pizza-a!
WARNING: WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN WAS COMPLETELY POINTLESS AND SHOULD NOT BEEN SEEN AGAIN...OR YOU MAY GET WAKED! WELL THAT WASN'T VERY NICE! SHUT UP YA MOOK!(SLAPS SELF!) YOU WHERE WARNED...
The music begins again as we reopen with a gigantic screen TV on the stage.
John: This is the segment of the show that I pit two randomly selected guests against each other in a fight to the death, Celebrity Deathmatchstyle!(Applause sign some how lights up again) Darn sign!(pulls out mini-nuke and throws it on the sign, completly blowing it up.) Now for our first guest. He has stared in four films, three television series, numerous comics, and the upcoming Batman Begins, yes that's right HHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS; BATMAN!
Batman swoops in from the ceiling via batgraplinghook.
John(under his breath but into the mic) Drama King!
Batman: What was that?
John: Nothing cough loser cough
Batman: Icolud kick your butt!
John: Later. We've taken up too much time as it is! And the next guest, the Original Italian Stalion, the Plumber with the Hammer, boy that one's cheap, and Mr. "I'm not Affiliated With Organized Crime, Which Doesn't Exist", Mario!
A giant green pipe pops up on stage and up comes Mario in all his Italian "non-Mafia" glory. Somehow out of nowhere a wrestling ring appears around John, Mario, and Batman. Also a referee shirt materializes on John.
John: Okay you know the rules, no biting, no pushing, and no snowzers!
Batman: Why no snowzers?
John: I don't know they're just weird. Any way lets get it on!
Mario: I'm-a Mario an' I'm-a gonna--(Batman wraps the Batgrapplinghook's cord around Mario's neck and begin to choke him to death until Luigi and Yoshi begin holding Batman back) You-a little-a bleap I'm-a gonna kick-a you bleap! No-a-body touches Boss-a Mario! Lui, gimme my-a tommy gun!(Luigi lets go of Batman and gets Mario's Tommy gun. However in the meantime Batman over powers Yoshi and chokes him to death with his Bat-Yoshi-choking-ma-bob. Luigi takes aim at Batman and riddles Yoshi's body with bullets, empting the gun into Yoshi. Batman jumps over Yoshi's corpse and kicks Luigi in the face, pushing his nose into his brain, killing him. Mario pulls out his Hammer) I'm-a gonna break-a you bleapin' legs!(Mario runs at Batman only to meet the Batarang closeup, like in the face. Which of course cuts Mario's head in half.)
John: Batman wins! We'll be right back!
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT FOR BUY NOTE: BUY CRAP IS MADE UP AND DOES NOT EXIST DO NOT BUY THIS AT HOME.
Woman: I was board one day and decided to get on the internet. I wanted to buy something that cost alot, but wasn't worth anything at all. So after going to countless websites that promised crap but provided only priceless antiques, I decided to go to Buy Buy Crap is different, instead of anything anyone would find remotly worth something, they provide the absolute crap you'd just hate to be seen in the same dimention with! So don't delay, visit Buy today!
WARNING: THAT WAS POINTLESS...WHY DID WE AIR THAT DUMB COMMERCIAL? THEY PAID US SEVEN BILLION DOLARS TO! OKAY, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY.
The music begins as we open back up on the John Pelley Show.
John: Y'know what's really gay? Mustard!(audience laughs) No really, it is! Now on to our next guest...He is the son of World famous Martial Artist Son Goku. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SON GOHAN!(Dramatic pause) SON GOHAN!(John's assistant runs onto stage and wispers into his ear)Really he said THAT?(John's assistant nods and runs off stage.) It seems that Gohan thinks that he's too good to be on the same show as me. And so, in his place, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERSSSSSSSSSSSS THE TEEN TITANS!(Robin, Starfire, Raven, Cyborg, and Beast Boy walk onto stage and sit down in the chairs and on the couch next to John.) Hey how are you guys doing, it's been awhile since I invaded your P! True Cartoon Network Story hasn't it?
Raven: Hardly long enough!(drumroll)
John:(Pulls out a gun and shoots the drummer) Now any way, I don't think I like this seating arangement. (a cloud materializes as John moves the Titans to his whims) Okay now Starfire you move here, Raven you move next to Starfire, Beast Boy you go where Starefire was, Robin stay stationary, and Cyborg you sit waaaaaaaay down here.(the cloud drops revealing that John has moved the girls next to him.) Okay, now on with the interview...
Starfire: Friend John, why have you moved friend Raven and I next to you?
Raven: Yeah, and did you touch my butt when you moved us?
John looks around, sweat dropping.
John: No I didn't touch your butt, that was Beast Boy.
Beast Boy: Okay dude! Do you like, have it out for me or something?
John: No I don't have it out for you, but now that you mention it...(John takes out a cell phone) Yeah, Pizza Hut, I would like to order two thousand meat lovers pizzas. Have them delivered to the John Pelley Show after hours. The name? Garfield Logan. Thanks, bye.
Beast Boy: DUDE! That's MY name! And I'm a vegitarian!
John: Really, I didn't realize that. Well you're good for it right?
Beast Boy: I'm gonna kick your- -(Security comes and restains Beast Boy and carries him off stage to be put to sleep.)
John: Now anyway, back to ME. So Raven, I hear you are planning to write a book alongside co-staring on Titans. How's that working out for you?
Raven: Well, y'know- -
John: Really? Facsinating! Starfire are you a virgin?
Starfire:(blushing) Why, yes friend John. Why do you ask?
John: I was just wondering.(audience laughs.) No seriously! I was just asking!
Audience:(in unison): YEAH RIGHT!
John:(pulls out tape recorder) Note to self, kill audience. Anyways, so you've NEVER had sex or anything?
Starfire: No.
John: Are you sure you and Robin never, y'know(wink).
Starfire: Oh Gods no! I couldn't live with myself if friend Robin and I...
Robin: Why not! I mean c'mon!
John pulls off Robin's glove and slaps him with it.
John: I challenge you sir to a duel.
Robin: I accept and choose pistols at dawn.
John: Holy crap I wasn't serious! But if that's how you want it...(escorts the pizza dude from the first commercial in. The man guns Robin down in a hail of bullets then walks away.) See, it pays to have married into the mafia.(looks into the camera, wide-eyed) Which doesn't exist. There is no Mafia, there is no organised crime, this did not happen.(turns back to the surviving Titans) Now anyway, Raven are you a virgin?
Raven: You have no right to ask that question!
John: Do so!(pulls out contract with Raven's signature on it.) According to Artical H-A Section 123 Fine print, you have to agree to answer any questions I ask you. So are you?
Raven: Oh, God! Well, if I must then no.
John: You're not a virgin?
Raven: No, I'm not answering that question in accordance with my Fifth Amendment Right given to me via the Constitution of America.
John: C'mon answer the question!
Starfire: Yes friend Raven, tell us if you are.
Raven: Okay fine! I'm a virgin okay! Happy now?
Man from the audience: NO!
John: Shut up(shoots man with one of his various guns that appear from nowhere causing him to fall from his seat to the floor) It wasn't the fall that killed the man it was...the fall that killed the man.
Cyborg: Hey John, why haven't I had a good stich yet?
John: I was just getting to you. I don't really have anything I can do with you so you're going to be reformed to bring joy to the world.(pulls out Superpowerful Magnet that sticks Cyborg to it. John proceeds to deprogram him and turn him into a walking vending machine.) Now anyway, girls now that they're all dead I've gotta ask you a real question from my cue card. Could you ever REALLY forgive Terra?
Raven: No.
Starfire: Come now friend Raven. Surly you could find it in your heart to- -
Raven: I stand by, 'No'.
John: 'Kay second question, how much money is in acting anyways?
Starfire: I am paid several hundred thousand dollars in royalties every time the show airs.
Raven: WHAT? I don't even get that much for the new episodes! Or that one I posed nude in!
John: So let me get this straight, you've posed nude, but never had sex?
Raven: Yeah, basically. I mean they did cover my bleap up with rubble and stuff but I was nude during the filming.
John: That makes total sence to me. So is there any other stuff I should know about you two that I don't already?
Starfire: Well, back when Cartoon Network was going for a more edgy Toonami block they approached Raven, Terra, and I about doing a nude catfight scene but I refused.
Raven: We eventually decided just for Terra and I to fight in mud. In addition to writing my book and staring in the show with Star, we're going to begin our own talk show on Cartoon Network.
John: Why waste you time with those losers? You can work here on my show for free, not getting paid or anyything. No pitch needed.
Raven: Okay sure.
John: Sweeeet. Well, that's about it peeps. Catch ya on the Flip Side. Fo Shizzle My Dizzle Word! That's street-talk for 'Bye.'