A/N: Ola again. I really need to get this out of my system, even though it's probably been done into oblivion and back. Short I know.

Disclaimer: I don't own it, not that I'd want to own an old bald guy.

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"Iced coffee, cold," Picard ordered. Nothing happened. "Damn replicator," he muttered. He tapped his combadge. It wasn't working either. He had to nearly break a rib to get it to function. "Picard to O'Brien," he said.

"O'Brien here," came his tinny voice. "I'm on my way." By this time, he knew the drill. If the captain didn't get his coffee, things could get nasty. Transporter chief? he thought. I'm little more than a glorified handyman.

There was a knock on Picard's ready room door. "Come," he called.

"The door's busted, sir," Lieutenant Commander William Riker called back. He had yet to pass the Bridge Officer's Exam.

Picard picked up the crowbar off his desk and walked over to his door, staggering a little. He braced himself against the door and pried it open. How can this be a Ship of the Line if nothing works? he wondered.

Riker glanced up at the captain's towering turban. "Are you ever going to cut that thing off, sir?" he asked.

"You know I don't believe in haircuts, Number Six," Picard answered. "What is it?"

"We're surrounded by a fleet of hostile ships, the phasers are malfunctioning, we're out of photon torpedoes, and our shields can't even withstand a warning shot," he reported cheerfully. "And Geordi says we're about to have a warp core breach, but we've got duck tape on the way, so that's all under control. And Ensign Q died again."

Picard staggered out onto the bridge, plopping down in his specially modified chair. "Hail them," he ordered.

"Counselor," Beverly said frostily. "Please inform the captain that, unlike him, I was nowhere near being expelled from Starfleet Academy and passed the Bridge Officer's Exam the first time I took it, and have already tried all our viable options."

"Beverly says shut up until you get some intelligence," Deanna informed Picard, adjusting some of her armor.

"Counselor," Picard replied with equal coldness. "Please inform the doctor that she should be in Sickbay as it is a red alert."

"Jean-Luc says get your butt off the bridge," Deanna reported.

"Can't you just work this out and speak to each other again?" Worf asked nervously.

Beverly completely ignored Worf, saying, "Counselor. Please inform the captain that, in addition to being the Chief Medical Officer, I am also the First Officer, and my place is on the bridge until there are casualties."

Deanna grinned broadly. "Beverly says go to hell."

"Counselor. Please inform the doctor that there are four other Commanders on the bridge who are capable of succeeding her, including yourself, Mr. Worf, Mr. LaForge, and Mr. Data.

"Jean-Luc says get your butt off the br-"

"Sorry to interrupt," Geordi interrupted, standing up and falling into Deanna, "but my eyes have fallen out again."

"I told you to get a size 12 instead of 10," Beverly scolded, handing them back to Geordi.

"I didn't want to seem fat," he complained.

-

A/N: There it is. R&R, please.